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Participate in the Online Discussion- Brain 2 and Change (April 2019)
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18 Replies
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I’ve started dabbling with coaching with one of my friends from home. Although I haven’t been in a session with her where I establish coaching presence, I wanted to write about our “session” reflecting grief. She knows about this program and is open to me coaching her more one on one. However, a communication happened around her willingness to be coached by me so I just want to make that clear.
So our last “session” was a couple weeks ago, right after our grief intensive. We were sitting at her kitchen table and she was discussing her relationship with her dad (which I know well) and I was working on that fine line of being a friend and a coach. Nonetheless, I want to talk about this experience because I think we really touched into something. She was going on about her dad and by doing so got frustrated. So I asked her what was happening there. In her body, in this moment. At first she didn’t quite understand what or why I was asking her what she felt in her body. She somewhat laughed it off waiting for me to respond and so I asked her again. She told me she felt tense in her chest, her palms sweating and that the heat was rising from her stomach to her head. Then we sat with that for a few minutes while she somewhat laughed it off, but also noticing her body functioning in such a way.
After a minute or two I checked in with her and asked where she was. She told me that she wanted to block out that anger because it reminded her of her dad and with that, she did not want to be like him. Knowing what I know about her and her story, she is a problem solver, a doer. When I asked her what she wanted, her answers were external i.e. I want my dad to be a father figure. I heard her, and because she’s one of my best friends, I did struggle with not trying to justify her feelings or try to problem solve. Her and I struggled through family dynamics during an overlapping time so there’s a lot of story behind our history in the ways we’ve talked about our dads. Nonetheless, because this wasn’t an established coaching session, we didn’t get to that deeper need because of where we were headed. I’m becoming more open to finally having a real practice client and exploring my role as a coach. Better late than never!
I know she’s struggling with a lot of grief around her absent father, and so next time we connect and establish a real session, I want to bring up this experience to her. Where is she at now? Is what she wanted still what she wants? What has or has not shifted in her life? I think one of the overarching themes in my session with her was she doesn’t grieve the way she wants to because she feels she has to stay strong. So I’m curious about how we can work on letting her guard down and just being with the feelings that arise when she talks about her dad.
I believe nature connection plays a part in this because of the way she brushes things off and goes, goes, goes. It seems to me she’s not always in the moment so it was interesting to see how her mind goes into protection mode when talking about this heavy topic. Because she wasn’t nurtured by her dad, she feels the need to stay strong for everyone else. I’m curious what it would be like for her to surrender to the possibility of being out of this controlling state. Her environment has helped mold her into this strong person, but I’ve noticed that feeling vulnerable is something that’s hard for her. I want to help create a space for her where she can feel in her feelings without putting up the strong front guard. Learning from Kim, I believe I can do that by just holding space for her to just be in her emotions and grief, something that she struggles with doing.-
Hey Amanda! Even though you said this wasn’t an established coaching session, you brought this conversation with your friend up for a good reason. First off, you tapped into your awareness of how your client was feeling by noticing her body language and you asked her to notice it, and describe it. Even when she laughed at your question and was visibly uncomfortable, you stood your ground and asked her again. Great job! Your client/friend stated that she ‘wanted her dad to be a father figure’. This is tricky, because she has no control over what he decides to do or how he decides to be. However, you tapped into noticing that she doesn’t grieve for the absence of her father because she is always trying to be strong. Now how can you get HER to notice that and allow herself to ‘surrender’? I think you on the right track with holding space for her and allowing her to feel all the feelings and emotions that may come up for her. From my personal experience, it’s having that safe supportive space to really start breaking down some walls. Great job! What’s next?
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Amanda, it seems like you’ve set a good tone in pre-establishing a coaching relationship with your friend and really, it’s kind of good practice for you to just step back and be an active observer rather than try to give advice as a friend like you might normally do. I don’t think there’s necessarily an either/or when it comes to friendship and coaching, just a different way of engagement. You challenged yourself to engage her in a different way, but you are still being her friend. Now, hopefully, you’ve gained more of her trust by choosing to support and hold the space that she’s currently in without having to guide her one way or another. Now if she decides to engage you as a coach, then the agreement between you is that she will be guided and you will guide without executing your own agenda for her. There is that fine line of challenging the client and pushing them over the edge and out of their window of tolerance.
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(more context for this post is found by reading the grief post first)
My client recently had a breakthrough during out last session that ended with her experience in nature letting her know that “it isn’t your fault.” There is so much to unpack in that statement that became a deep truth and catalyst for change she wants to see in her life. She came to this session with a much different energy, but still unsure of how to move forward. She reflects that the experience she had during our last session opened a floodgate of past memories that she correlates to the “stuck” position she feels like she’s in now. She says that “stuck” is also minimizing her experience and that “trapped” feels like a more appropriate word.
To briefly give context, she basically has lived her life for the acceptance of others. She’s a sensitive soul whose parents have been chronically abusive to her mentally and emotionally. She has historically been compared to everyone else and feels like she has never been seen for who she really is. This has caused her to doubt who she really is and has lived life in fear of failure. The connection with her grandmother was the only relationship where she felt she could be herself and was fully embraced. And when her grandma passed away, so did any shred of confidence she had left. Not only that, but she recalls side-handed remarks from her parents about how “grandma passed away because she couldn’t handle the stress of taking care of the grandkids anymore.”
Her story has been “I’m not good enough and the one person who believed in me is gone because of the burden I put on her.” I feel this session is really getting into past trauma and in a possible situation that is not aligned with the intention of coaching. I affirm my client and what she has shared with me and ask her how she wants to continue. She says that she understands and respects where I’m coming from and shares gratitude for listening to her so openly and holding space for her.
I felt compelled to give her some more space at this point and invited her to engage with nature again with the intent of seeing where she is now and asking what her next step is. I reflect to her everything that has happened since we’ve met and the story that she is now contemplating. She came back to the session and shared that because she has so much anger, hurt, and resentment built up toward her parents she believes engaging a therapist would benefit her. I honored and affirmed her decision as it takes courage to enter into dark spaces and be vulnerable.
I asked if she felt like there was anything, or any part of her that was pulling her forward which she might want to continue in a coaching relationship for. She referred back to the acorn symbolism and stated that “the acorn breaks free in the dark, but it is fed by water and light. I feel like connecting more with nature has been a light for me and I want to build on that relationship.” “Awesome. What does that look like for you?” I replied. She referred back to my mention of having a sit spot and stated that she would like to make that a regular practice. She likes the idea of creating more intent with having a sit spot and I invited her to create a mantra or a symbol that can hold her intent when she enters into her sit spot space. She decided to keep the image of the acorn in mind and created a mantra honoring her grandmother…”I am the potential of a great oak tree and though I’m an acorn now, I won’t stay buried long.”
For possibly the first time my client has consciously created an intent and believes that a deeper relationship with nature will prepare her for the actions that are to take place as she begins to navigate new spaces of darkness and light. This new ritual of entering into her sit spot as something more sacred, and safe, is showing her that she has the choice and control to do something for herself that will also benefit those she is in relationship with around her. In making this choice she is beginning to sever the belief that she has little value and nothing to offer the world.
It has been amazing to see some real shifts happening in her so rapidly, especially considering the abuse and conditioning she has endured throughout most of her life. Her sensitive nature has attuned to the natural world in a very organic kind of way. I imagine her grandmother could sense that within her and did her best to cultivate her gifts when given the opportunity. It is easy to see that she carries the same wisdom of her grandmother and is ready to begin a deep healing.
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Kent – what an amazing breakthrough for your client!! I loved how she was able to see the benefit of your coaching and guidance, but also her connection to Nature and her sit spot and perfect Mantra. How exciting for you as a coach! And it sounded like you were really listening to her and guiding her with your powerful questions. Great job! I also resonated with the section of your summary post where you reflected on the movie The Secret. With our new understanding of how the brain works, you are right when you point out that it’s not the universe giving us what we want, it’s us deciding what we want, putting it out there, and then keeping our eyes peeled for the signs.
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Summary Post:
Overall I have come to value understanding neurological functioning so much more than I ever have before, even as a psychology student. It really does help give a structure and context to the work I do as a coach and helps me conceptualize where my client is at in their processing and how we can work together to change how they think, act and feel that is in alignment with their more authentic selves. Personally what has stood out to me is the power of the relationship between INTENTION and ATTENTION. In my own healing of my feminine and masculine aspects, I perceive INTENTION as the receptive, feminine part of me and ATTENTION as the giving, masculine part. To be truly mindful is operate in both INTENTION and ATTENTION.
I have also appreciated understanding more about the RAS. It has helped me reshape the belief that I perceived others having, but I had difficulty accepting. I recall seeing a film once called “The Secret” which reviewed the “success” of so many people who created a vision for themselves and the “universe conspired to make it happen” for them. But their was so much focus about gaining material things that the whole concept really turned me off. Now I get it! It’s not about the universe giving us what we want most, it’s us deciding what we want and training our brain to look out for how to get what we want.
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Initial Post:
I worked with a client for one session, that was a practice client from EBI. At first I would have said that maybe I did something wrong and that’s why she didn’t want another session. However, upon reflection and experiencing this Intensive, I’m aware that she just wasn’t ready.
She definitely had a lot going on in her life, and because I had never met her before, I spent a good chunk of our session listening to her ‘story’. She was starting her own Coaching and retreat/guiding business, she had a contract to write a book, she was looking to start at EBI, she was overwhelmed, depressed, blocked/stuck, frustrated and avoidant (her own words). She described being ‘stuck with the responsibilities of someone she was 10 years ago’ and who she wanted to be now. A major shift happened 5 years ago when she went through a divorce. She all of a sudden became ‘anxious and depressed’.
I tried really hard to not get sucked into her story and listen for her goal/want/need. I remember talking about Words, Feelings and Themes, and how we should focus on words in relation to what the feeling they are not trying to have. What really stood out for me with this client, is that it was nearly impossible for her to say one good thing about herself or if any thing made her feel (good, happy, passionate). We spent a lot of time trying to chunk down some of her responsibilities so that she could experience small successes. I asked her what it would feel like for her to meet some small goals for herself and even what she may need to get her there. It was a real struggle with this client. I actually got off the phone wondering what I had just spent the hour doing, besides exhausting myself.
My question to you guys is, how do you navigate working with a client like that. (Not that she gave me the opportunity to do so).-
Hi All,
I am curious too, about the different approaches you each would take with a client who may be very attached to or identified with the self sabotage. My thought would to be the ‘holder of hope’ while she is unable to fully hold it for herself. I imagine my impulse in the moment would be to highlight whatever comes forward as “where s/he wants to go”. And also, if possible, explore the blocks that brings more awareness and maybe illuminates choice points. This could be a slow, multi session process to help a client find the glimmers of hope or ropes out of the deep dark hole….so sometimes just being present and listening serves the purpose to move what needs to move at that time. Trusting a client’s journey, especially when we are not able to help catalyze the energy towards the change they desire or help them in the way we desire, can be a tough. In these cases, I like to remember the larger consciousness that is at work and release the client to that wisdom. Lauren, you may never know what your listening presence, reflections and caring questions did for this client– I trust that whatever transpired was meaningful in that moment and continue to connect to the ripples. I really do.
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Initial post:
I have 2 paid clients currently and I am working with both of them as it relates to them changing how they think about themselves and their professional roles.
#1: Is a good friend who asked me to coach her. She’s a divorced (husband had an affair) mother of 3 amazing children, she was recently promoted to VP, she’s a lawyer, her father, with whom she was very close, passed away in his sleep 2 years ago (no known health issues so a total shock). She struggles with anxiety and a lack of self confidence, pretty much a classic case of imposter syndrome. As a lawyer, she is very data-driven and wants the coaching to be about tools and solutions so guiding her thru’ the uncertainty of trying to understand where her issue stems from can be very challenging. She is also in a relationship with someone who she has stated is not ‘her person’ yet she isn’t willing to end it; she has told me that he gives her confidence and I suspect that this is something she needs, in whatever form she can get it, based on her history. One of the things she has asked for my help with is ‘what is a VP?’ I invited her to create an avatar, of sorts, of all the things she admires in all the executive level leaders she knows. She’s still working on it but, my intention was not for her to look at those skills and characteristics and then to become them, it was for her to realize that she will be the VP that she is and that the promotion came because of who she already is and the work she already does. This was a bit of a ‘mind fuck’ for her as she genuinely believed she needed to suddenly show up totally differently. It was a delight to see how that realization freed her to believe that she could show up as her and have a seat at the table. While she still questions herself in the broad sense, she says that she feels that she has a right to be at the table with other executives. Combined with her thinking differently about herself, we have also started to incorporate parts work into the discussion to understand what part of her is driving her anxiety and lack of self confidence – the purpose is that, once we can dig into that, we can start to create new stories (new neural pathways) for her to believe about herself.
#2: is a professional client who was referred to me by my former People leader. She is a qualified therapist who practiced for over 4 years, she is recently married and has taken on a new role as a Business Partner. The challenge presented to me was that she brings too much of the therapist to work and is challenged with putting the company above the employee needs. She is validated by recognition from others, high productivity and being a problem solver, all of which are pretty much absent in the role of a Business Partner! So, in my conversations with her, we’ve been uncovering issues with her new leader who triggers her because he reminds her of her mother and how she can find the balance of being empathetic but also impartial. I’ve been coaching her for 6 weeks and, suddenly, this week, she had the breakthrough that she could bring her therapeutic skills into the workplace and be the corporate steward she needs to be. She has been able to change her thinking from believing that the 2 have to separate to understanding how she can leverage her innate empathetic nature and skills as a therapist, to the benefit of being a Business Partner. She is also familiar with Partswork so it has been interesting to explore that aspect of her personality and how that is influencing her thoughts and ‘stuckness’.
As I reflect on #2, I had been feeling that some of the threads of our conversation were repetitive but, in writing this, I’m reminded of how long it takes to change thinking and behavior and that ‘neurons that fire together wire together’ so, in fact, the repetition has been helpful and brought us to the enlightenment we achieved just this week.
Understanding the stages from pre-contemplation to termination (although I have to admit that I am very conflicted with the concept of termination – I’m not sure it’s ever over, it’s simply that you become better at managing it to the point that it is no longer a focus) has helped me, as a Coach, to understand where my clients might be at. My nature is to move quickly and reminding myself how long things can take for others is imperative to me being an effective guide and partner on their journey.
I haven’t had the opportunity to incorporate nature into #2 as we do video conference which doesn’t lend itself to incorporating nature. With #1, we did go on a hike a couple of times but, as Amanda said, they were not formal coaching sessions so I wanted to maintain that boundary between friend and coach. What is interesting is that, from a personal point of view, I notice how differently I approach conversations where guidance is sought from a friend. I think I have become more curious and less opinionated – historically, I would have given advice and an opinion, now I tend more towards asking questions, unless I’m directly asked what I would do. I guess I’ve created my own neural pathways! -
Response to Amanda:
I say this with love; in the time I’ve known you, you have consistently voiced doubt about your gift as a guide which, to those of us who have had the benefit of being guided by you, is difficult to conceive. You have such a genuine love of people and create a safe space for us to speak with vulnerability and openness – my wish for you is that you could experience yourself!
I have also observed that your own challenges, while you can empathize with the other person, don’t seem to create confluence – you are able to (or at least seem to be able to!) remain detached from your client’s experience such that you can guide them effectively and without bias.
I don’t know if you already do this but, I would invite you to reflect on a session and sit with how you physically feel. Then start to focus in on where things felt organic and try to understand why; I’d love for you to be able to believe in the gift that you have for being there for others. -
Response to Lauren:
Your frustration and exhaustion are both palpable in your response – I feel you and I’m sorry that you had such a challenging experience, but, I would +1 to what Ivy said. She seemed to have so much going on that perhaps she just had to get it out there before anything could shift – unfortunately you were the vessel into which she dumped it all and it seems to have left you feeling ineffective. However, just creating that space for her to unload, I’m sure made a difference in how she felt and, having received coaching from you, I’m confident that there is nothing that you did/didn’t do that would have changed the dynamic.
I remember Michael saying that it’s important to let it go in the moment and then, gently, check in after some time has passed – have you done that? On the day she met with you, from what you say, she doesn’t seem to have been in a space to be able to do anything other than purge but, I bet your questions triggered some questions in her mind – the challenge is whether she’s created any space to hear them.
IMHO there will always be clients who aren’t ready for us – I’m guessing she was in pre-contemplation – and the challenge for us is to get comfortable with that rather than creating any space for doubt in ourselves. I wonder what part of you is that little voice suggesting that you weren’t enough and that you didn’t achieve anything that day except exhaust yourself? Maybe this wasn’t about her at all and is an opportunity for you to challenge your thinking about your abilities and gift as a coach…? -
Summary:
Change is hard!!
Generally, I seek change out as a source of personal growth but, when it’s change that I don’t seek, it can be really challenging. That’s because I like to control my world but, in studying neuroscience and learning about the stages of change, I believe, as I write this, that I have more tolerance for appreciating how hard change is for all of us. I’ve found myself thinking much more about changing a habit I have and, per what Kent said, the difference between attention and intention and the stage at which each of those is relevant.
I found that the readings, for this module of the course, were easy to digest and made a lot of sense. They were highly relatable and explained the brain and our wiring in a way which has given me a lot of confidence about how change happens and the power of the relapse as a tool for learning and reflecting. As I think about my role as a partner in someone’s journey, this has educated me in a way that I, already, have changed my own attitude towards someone’s change journey. I appreciate the stages and the speed at which we all move thru’ those stages being different. As I’m coaching my 2 paid clients, I already approach those conversations differently, with more empathy and kindness for the challenge but also with a confidence that, if you practice, the brain will re-wire and serve your change process. -
Kent it sounds like you were really able to support your client and give her the space she needed to feel all of what was coming up for her. I love that you invited the idea of a sit spot into her life as well as finding something that can symbolize her own strength. I think it’s great that your client acknowledged that she needed to see a therapist and that you were still able to comfort her and help her create a mantra for moving forward in her life. Great job!
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Wendy, I loved reading this post! The ending was fantastic 😉 I can really appreciate what you said when you were talking about client #2 going from pre-contemplation to termination. You said that it doesn’t go away but we find it easier to manage and it no longer becomes a focus. I think that’s a brilliant way of looking at termination because if there’s anything I’ve learned from Partswork is that we don’t get rid of our parts but recognize that they are saying something and work to accept them for who they are. Moreover, it doesn’t mean they go away and we learn to live through them and discover what life could be like if we didn’t allow them to control Soul.
As being a client of yours in the past, I know how incredible you are at being able to ask thought provoking questions and really work to understand what is coming up for your client. I recognize that when you said you did not give input or state an opinion to your client, that you are absolutely shifting your own neural pathways to become more open, present to your client(s) and to yourself. -
Lauren, after reading your post my initial reaction was that this person is just very much boggled down in her own story of self suffrage and needed someone to talk to about what’s going on. Since we went through EBI, it’s easier for us to recognize that all the “stuff” is just a story and we are the ones that put meaning behind what’s happening. And our story is designed to become real for us. Your client was in their “stuff” and it seems like she had no consciousness of being there. The story she had created put her into autopilot and thus, she believes that is reality.
As being coached by you, I know how incredible you are at providing space for your clients and giving them that space to let out all the “stuff.” To me, it seems like she the greatest thing you did was to give her space to just be. To sit with it, vent it out. Now moving forward, I would ask her something to bring her back into the present moment – acknowledging that she’s going through a lot but to shift her neurological pathway of how she normally perceives her life. For example, “What’s something you’re grateful for in your life right now?” or something along that line to bring them in present moment. Even if the client doesn’t know right away, it’s a good exercise to help them discover what they are grateful for and that their world doesn’t need to be their story.
You know I’ve always struggled with my confidence as a guide, so I can see how this session could make you question what you were doing. But you’re an incredible coach and trusting your learning process is all about becoming a strong guide. Great job! -
Summary
Agreeing with Wendy: CHANGE IS HARD! Our brain really is a fascinating mechanism. After learning about the brain, the neurological waves and patterns, the neurosystem of it all, I can honestly say that reprogramming our brains is no easy task. We have been living in survival forever!! We are constantly carrying around story and the myth to what’s actually happening because the brain wants to resolve conflict of feeling. We’ve literally been programmed since we could remember on how to be, act, feel, etc. and our brain has been absorbing this until we walked into the Star House. We can create how we want to be in this life, what we want our lives to look like, paint it any way we want. How many humans do you think create that possibility for themselves? I think not enough. Our brain is just absorbing information and protecting us on how it sees fit, I have an immense amount of gratitude towards that. From my own experience reprogramming is no easy task, but since we have this awareness of autopilot, unconsciousness and consciousness, under every image if a feeling and every word is an image, there’s possibility to create a new way of being. To achieve this, I need to program my brain differently and surrender to the fact that it is difficult, but attainable. -
Yay! I am feeling gratitude and admiration on how you all are showing up to yourselves, each other and ultimately your visions/your future people by this new energy in the forums. <3
Amanda, yes--the reprogramming is so important and takes time. How to embody this in yourself and to underline, highlight and hold this for your clients as you go forward? I think of the power of naming the mythic image (what the client is seeking to become) and the importance of creating ritual around this. The initial connection (threshold) experience of that which they want to become is the beginning of the new neural pathways. The ritual is constant tending and strengthening of these new physical attributes of the brain and new coordinates. An empowered, somatic ritual brings together the body-mind into knowing, growing, firing and wiring-- stepping into and BE-ing the mythic image.
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Summary Post:
We are all in agreement that Change is hard, and yet, we have all made leaps and bounds in this change over the last year+. Thank you all for your feedback, and to be honest, I never thought about reaching out to that client. But now, I feel like I have the courage to do so. Really, what do I have to lose?
Some things that I am taking away from this section is my personal challenges and practice of neuroplasticity. So many people, including myself, what those changes to happen immediately, and that’s just not realistic. Understanding that change is possible, with some focus and practice, is the key for me. That, and the fact that nothing happens overnight. A quote that I remember from the Pocket Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology was, “Neuroplasticity has an upside and a downside. The challenge is that negative experiences can alter brain structure in long-lasting ways that make life difficult. The positive opportunity that neuroplasticity affords is that IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO USE THE FOCUS OF ATTENTION TO ALTER THE BRAIN’S ARCHITECTURE.” Until you start to explore your own personal blockages and invite your client to do the same, you don’t always see what is holding you back. The story continues and you believe it to be the only way.
I’m starting to ‘read’ (audiobook) Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. I would relate it to the book The Secret, but with a scientific approach. I have also been meeting with Ivy and that has helped me to identify and focus on what my brain is telling me, how I react to things, and how to change it. For me, finding a sit spot has been a challenge, but I have been trying to find alternative ways to contemplate my life, actions and thoughts about myself. Journaling has been really helpful, because when I read back over my entries, I see how I get lost in my story. Related to Brain/Change, I have been recording actions for change and reflecting on them. It’s mind blowing (no pun intended) on how reflection helps the brain change. You start to recognize new actions and how consequences from them can be life changing! Practice practice practice, record and reflect!
