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Gestalt Discussion (September 2019)
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46 Replies
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I have a question for you my dear coaches and guides….
I am meeting with a client to practice Gestalt this Thursday 10/3 and I am wondering is there a better way to start the session. Typically I would spend a few minutes with the client to go over “what was” since the last session. But if my intention is to practice/use Gestalt, hence be in the “here and now” , isn’t that simple practice taking me back into the past and in some ways defeating the purpose? Would it be better to just not do a check-in, or do it at a later time, or skip it, and get into the “here and now” and meet the client wherever s/he is at the time we start the session?
Thanks all!
Keep the Fire Roaring and Be Hippy!
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Nadine,
This is such a good question and one I am constantly playing with in my own practice. I think this is one area where the practice of Gestalt and Coaching meet in a paradoxical manner. You are correct in that Gestalt is about the “here and now”, acknowledging that whatever is arising in the moment is the actual work that is most relevant for the client at that time. This approach gets a bit tricky within the coaching framework specifically when we start tracking the past (how the client did with the action items from last week). In my experience, beginning the session with a check in on how the past week or two went with the action items invites the client into the past and into their brain, quite the opposite direction of Gestalt.
I think this is something you get to play with and discover your way with in your interactions with practice clients. My invitation would be to try a session where your intention going in is to just stay with the here and now, intentionally not checking in on action items from last week, and see how that goes. Additionally, try doing a check in and then bring the client into the here and now. You might also try starting with the here and now and then checking in later in the session on how whatever was arising is connected to the plan/action items from last session, helping to form connections.
I would love to hear how this goes for you and hear any insights you find with your explorations.
Let that fire ROAR!!
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Thank you Mandy.
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INITIAL POST – I found it very difficult to apply my impression of Gestalt in a session over the phone. As I was not in the same environment as my client and was not able to see her or what was happening around her, so this took me away from focusing on Gestalt, since my impression of Gestalt was being aware of my/our surroundings and the changes I became aware of. That said, in hindsight, I did have a better awareness of her verbal rhythm and did notice some times where I felt her stumbling or backing away from her true thoughts by using phrases like “I don’t know.” When I felt it was more of an “I don’t want to go there”, or “I don’t want to look deeper.” I struggled with pushing her deeper. I did hold the silence and she did come back at one point with a deeper thought. I think it was in part due to it being our first call and my uncertainty of how far to go. I think I may feel more comfortable with it after a session or two. Or maybe it was my intuition saying it is not the way to go at this time? Probably need to trust that more than second guessing myself after the fact.
Looking back now I see several ways I could have brought more into the session and ways I did engage to the best of my ability in the situation to bring her into the present moment. I asked her what if her challenge was solved, how would that feel? How do you tap into that in the moment? I could have had her engage more with her discomfort in the “I don’t know” to really uncover if that is truly the case. Maybe ask “if you did know, what might it be?”
I am drawn to learn more about Gestalt as I expect there is more to it than my initial perception. My take away at this time is giving me more confidence to be in the present moment and trust my guidance there. Awareness of changes to baseline and curiosity to the cause of those changes, whether in person or via phone. I will continue to practice to enhance these skills and more as I continue my reading and learning in this direction.
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Sheri, these are great reflections on your work with your client. And yes, practicing with a Gestalt-y approach might be a bit different via phone. In this case you are not looking at body language so much as reading tone of voice, tapping into baseline shifts and other energetic shifts that you can perceive as you tune into voice (which you noted). You might also experiment with setting the intention to really tune into contact with your client, focusing throughout the session on when you and your client are in contact and tracking when contact is broken (either by you or your client). You would be tracking this through noticing energetic shifts, deflection, introjection, projection, confluence, retroflection. I find these helpful to track and create awareness around if possible. They are like possible doorways into understanding more of the issue your client is dealing with. I also find these way helpful to track especially in my client notes because they can potentially point to patterns that inform me of how my client is moving through the world. Awesome job!
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Mandy, thanks for your comments and for the idea of tracking these dis-connects in notes for tracking patterns! What a great idea. Still a big practice area for me… note taking, I tend to want to write down verbatim what is being said rather than listening through feeling for those energy shifts and what is not being said which I hear is often more important.
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Thank you for your post Sheri and for sharing your experience with bringing Gestalt into a video call session. I had not gotten that far in my head, but your and Mandy’s feedback are preparing me for it. The part of Gestalt that is interesting to me is the awareness of what is going on for us as coaches. When you say “I struggled with pushing her deeper” I am wondering if you had noticed what was going on for you at that moment? What were you bringing to the table?? Your own deflection, introjection, projection, confluence, retroflection??????
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Excellent point Nadine! To be aware not just of shifts in her (the client) but also what an why is happening for me. I was thinking about observing the nature around us in the moment but not within me too. So much to keep track of… practice, practice, practice! Are you doing anything in particular to that you are finding beneficial in opening yourself to this awareness? Or do you find it to be ideas and thoughts that come up after the fact…that is more where I am, wish I had said or done… I realize this is a start. The awareness after then becomes awareness during then awareness in the moment then shifts to confidence in taking action on the awareness. We are growing!
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Sheri – As I was reading through this, it brought up to me a session I had with Mandy since our last intensive. I’ve been coming to an understanding that I have too many priorities in my life – I created a mandala of priorities (borrowing the idea from Parts work – great exercise, but that’s an aside). It was online and she had me go through a Gestalt exercise where I visualized having my most supportive friends surround me and then I let had to let go of my priorities one-by-one (represented by balls in the air) and then listened to what each friend said to me after I let each of the balls go.
I share this as it sounds similar to what you were doing with your client. Mandy did need to keep me engaged as this was uncomfortable for me to face. She kept me verbalizing how it felt and we talked about what I heard in the visualization. So helping me stay away from the “I don’t know” by talking through what my friends said to me which, of course, was really how I was feeling.
And I share with you this strong interest in Gestalt. Understanding that what is happening/feeling in the now and then expanding this through experimentation(s) is my boiled down version of it which I see so much potential for taking clients through.
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Kim – Thanks for sharing this experience, painting a picture of that letting go process, as well as, the impression it made on you. Powerful. I will certainly put that in my box. Way to go Mandy! I am curious if that is something that just came to you in the moment and if the two of you came up with the idea together or if it is something Mandy has lead others through before or been lead through herself?
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This specific visualization experiment is not something I’ve led a client through before. It was just an inspiration and idea that came to me in the moment based on the content of what we were working with. I find that when I am coaching and I am truly present (setting down my own parts that try to plan out the next move or know what to say) then I enter into this very curious and creative space. It’s like diving into the unknown and exploring in there. When I am in this state sometimes ideas for experiments just pop up into my mind. I always check out the ideas that arise with my client to see if they resonate and if my client would be willing to experiment. In this case she was! So into uncharted territory we go. What I anchor to in these experiments is the deeper need. When I know these ideas are not coming from my agenda but rather arising out of deep presence, listening and contact with my client, I view them as part of nature and part of the gestalt (the larger picture of everything that is going on) and in that light, an important part of the whole. But, like I said, I like to check it out by sharing what came up for me with my client and asking if they would be willing to experiment, or if this idea lands for them.
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I met with my practice client in person at the river.
I could see and feel her relax, and drop in as we went along on our walk. Even though we were walking or standing outside I noticed she’d hold her beverage container differently as she spoke of different things.
Walking side by side did make it difficult to keep eye contact, but we would stop and face each other when needed.
I recognized some deflection and was able to bring her back to the topic, some introjection as well.
There were some things that needed to be released and she did so by throwing a rock into the river. Afterward, she stood up straighter, her eyes were wide and bright and she was smiling. She noted feeling much lighter and open and that closing her eyes and listening to the water in that moment that she can very quickly feel centered and grounded. She was happy that she has a list of tasks to take away with her that day to work towards her goals. She talked openly about some difficult issues where I could share a little bit of my own experience to show her that I understood and that helped her be more open. I like doing sessions at the river. It really encourages the go with the flow, calming, stillness and movement, releasing energy…-
Hi Melody,
Your comment about it being hard to keep eye contact while walking struck me and brought some ideas forward. It sounds like you maintained connection to her despite the lack of eye contact, which shows how much of our connection to others exists beyond eye contact. It also reminded me of some of the more powerful conversations I’ve had with loved ones, the tough conversations that you don’t really want to have… I’ve had several while driving in a car, and they were powerful. The direct eye contact is sometimes too much when letting out the deeper stuff. We maintained connected through our conversation, and the conversation flowed with ease because of the lack of eye contact. I’ve read similar things about conversations as parents too, something along the lines of children opening up more when they are older when there isn’t direct eye contact. There was one story in particular about a child opening up while her mother put her make up on. The mother could see the child in the reflection in the mirror, when she was done her make up, the child was still opening up, so the mother washed her face and started again. For some reason, your comment reminded me of this. It also makes me eager to play with eye contact with my clients, when do they need more? when would they open up more with less? I think it’s a fascinating area to explore. Thank you for mentioning it!
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I don’t think it was just about not keeping eye contact, also that it was harder to notice her body language in general as we walked side by side. This makes me think that instead of walking most of the time I can change it up and try and find somewhere to sit at first and chat, then walk a bit if needed…It’s rainy season though and who wants to walk around with a wet butt!!?? I suppose it’s time to pull out the ziplock bags with the newspaper in them or the crazy creek…
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Amber, thanks for shining a light on the relationship to eye contact and depth of conversation. Intriguing – yes! Thinking back on some of my own conversations I realize that often I will break eye contact due to the compassion coming from the other person. For the need to hold myself strong enough to get the words out, as the compassion will often break me down into tears. Thinking of my gestalt experience at StarHouse it was very hard for me to make eye contact with you, even when you were sitting knee to knee with me. I’m sure some of that came from a feeling of not wanting to be seen crying, shame? (probably should look into that more?) But I felt very connected with you even without the direct eye contact. I felt the support and care in your presence.
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Yes, such a good point to be highly aware of eye contact, when and how it helps and how it can potentially serve to allow someone to go a bit deeper at times. This reminds me of a session I had with a client where she was very triggered but not yet fully verbalizing what was going on for her. We had been sitting on the ground face to face and I asked her if she’d like to sit back to back for some support. As soon as we turned to sit back to back, she opened up completely. Perhaps this was partly due to feeling the physical support of another but maybe it also has something to do with the ability to really go inwards with that lack of eye contact. Interesting inquiry!
Melody, sounds like you were tracking really closely body language and contact disturbances. Awesome! And how powerful for you to see the effect this particular type of landscape has on YOU, such that in that type of environment you are able to really trust and go with the flow.
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Mandy I love the idea of sitting back to back for support, etc!!!
I may need to use this one day!
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To establish the coaching relationship, especially since we were connected through EBI, we spent a little time getting to know each other (about 10-15 minutes). I went first to help her feel more comfortable in opening up to me. I shared a little about who I am, my current life (single mom, full time job, etc), and about my experience and goals with EBI. She then shared about herself. It turns out we both have sons that are about the same age, so we connected over that a bit before starting our session. To transition into the session, we took a moment to take some deep breaths and ground.
I noticed gestalt come into play during her description of her current situation with the business she is creating. I noticed her arms frantically move around as she talked about how her business is scattered across different geographic locations. She later made similar motions when talking about her mind being scattered. When she was talking about her business she mentioned wanting it all in one place. When she talked about her mind, she made a similar comment about it feeling scattered and wanting to be grounded and focused. I reflected these and their similarities back to her. Through all of this, we couldn’t quite get to the deeper need, but did uncover that she feels most grounded and clear headed in nature. I encouraged her to find a sit spot. She liked the idea but was uncomfortable about how to do it. My sense was that she was worried that she wouldn’t do it “right”. We discussed the sit spot a bit. I encouraged her to give it a try, play with it, and do what feels right. We also discussed a meditation she could fall back on if she felt awkward as she sat. I also encouraged her to get a journal to write down anything that comes up for her through her sit spot experience. She was pretty excited about giving it a try. As we wrapped up the conversation, she said that talking it out and coming up with this plan to find a sit spot was really helpful. As she talked about that, we hit her deeper need, she said, “I want to connect to myself to help with others”. I reflected that back to her and she nodded in deep acknowledgement that we had reached what it was she was looking for.
We are going to play with bringing nature into the coaching experience next week. She is going to call in from her sit spot. I’m looking forward to how nature will show up in that interaction.
Overall, the session flowed well, however I did notice that I could be a more effective coach by talking less. I think this will become easier as I work with more people. When I’m nervous, I tend to fill the silence, so this is something I will definitely be paying attention to going forward.
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Awesome observations Amber! I think filling in the space with talking is something we can all relate to!! One of my mentors had me do an experiment once, to time myself in a session and give at least 20 seconds of silence and see what happened. It was so eye opening. First of all, it felt like a loooong time but in actuality it was only 20 seconds. But more importantly, it really opened up so much more possibility for my client to sink deeper into their experience and their internal inquiry, without my need to fill in all the empty spaces.
I also LOVE that you are finding ways to incorporate nature into your online sessions. This is amazing! Great work!
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I enjoyed reading your session and I followed it as if I had been there in person. I sensed flow throughout. What I am understanding more and more now is that we have to relinquish the need to go somewhere. I like how you have brought up your “hunches” to her attention and it may, or may not, have gone further and that is OK. And what I find amazing is that we always seem to get to the deeper need in a roundabout way. Now I realize there are different ways to get to the deeper need and strictly following the severance process isn’t a must.
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Thank you for your feedback, Nadine! I had an experience with the same client this week that gave me similar insight what you just shared about getting to the deeper need and the severance process. We were coaching from her sit spot but her battery was a bit low and we weren’t sure if we were going to have enough time for the whole session. She had shared that her sit spot caused her to start writing poetry again. I invited her at the beginning to reread the poetry and go through the sacred questions with it. It was kind of starting the session from the end and going backwards, but I wanted her to have something to take with he through the week if we got cut off due to the low battery. The interesting thing, was that we made it through the session and ended with her deeper need, which was in line with what we had started with! It’s so cool how “all roads lead home” and how fluid the process can be while still being effective.
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Amber I too found that sharing a bit about myself, either at the beginning or if it’s relevant during the session really does help the client open up, that feeling of being understood can make a big difference. With a different client than I talked about before we found that taking time at the beginning and/or end of the session to just drop in and be present is very helpful and we will continue to do so in future sessions as well. This clients need to have time for herself to do that was not happening outside of the session so putting it in the session makes sense.
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I appreciate how you all are holding curiosity for Gestalt. I hear a lot of good questions arising as you are exploring and noticing with your clients. What is this modality, how does one sense it? how does it show up in a session, in life? It is an interesting dance of being conscious of, “what is happening now?” As the guide, you are caught in the dance, too, because it’s not always just– what is happening now with my client, but also what is happening now with me? Like a light awareness over the whole “gestalt”, (used in this way the word can also refer to the specifics of the entire scene).
With this type of awareness, continue to be curious about when contact is held or lost, or what the body is revealing or not. I appreciate the examples in the forum so far: how do I show up to the present moment? I notice something drops away in this part of the conversation repeatedly, how does contact look or feel between bodies & in/with nature, what is effective? What is stored in one particular, repeated gesture? Lightly tracking any or all of these within a session gives you another avenue of vision into your client’s reality and helps you to develop your ‘x-ray vision’ as a guide.
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INITIAL POST
I started my session with my client by asking my client: 1) how do you feel right now? 2) what are you experiencing? 3) do you have any body sensations?
My client went right away into story mode, and wanted to explain why she was feeling what she was feeling. I interrupted her and asked her to just state how she felt. Confusion arose for her, she went directly into her head, she no longer knew what to do, she felt like she was doing it wrong, and she became frustrated, likely with me. Her body language changed, she was in defense mode, I lost contact.
To re-establish contact, I grounded us back with some breathing. As she was tracking her breathing, I asked if any theme or dilemma was present (relationship, work, or what just happened???) and offered her to share with me. What was present for Karen was what just happened. A few themes emerged: “when I am cut off I don’t feel like I am worth their time”, “I get frustrated when people don’t lay the rules clearly”.
I owned up and apologized for interrupting her, maybe too abruptly. And, I brought to her attention that her reaction was very charged. I asked her if that was an isolated moment or if that was a recurring pattern. There may have been some reluctance to admit that there was a pattern, but she slowly found some examples that grabbed her attention to it.
We continued on that theme and I decided to use the empty chair exercise to explore further. I asked Karen to have an open discussion with her friend Angela, and to tell her how she felt. Angela was a pillow sitting on the couch in front of her, and the zebra pattern reminded her of Angela’s boldness. Karen though it was perfect. A few things came out of the discussion, as well as some emotions, but Karen was still censored, and was not able to fully express how she felt. I sense some anger and suggested she expressed to Angela, but “it is not something you do” she said (looks like an intraject we could have explored). Also the fact that she was not understanding where this was taking her, made her doubt every step of the way. I ended up spending a few minutes to demo a different scenario (that I had viewed online) and that seemed to have helped, and that freed her up a bit. I also mentioned and explained the circle of experience and how our mind complete it when it is not complete. Creating a brand new experience to complete the circle of experience was a concept she had experienced before.
Later on she brought up another friend, and the energy was super charged. At that point I realized that person would have been a better person in the empty chair, but I stayed with Angela as we were already 45 mn into the one hour session. Throughout the empty chair exercise with Angela, I stopped Karen a few times to ask her how she felt. Truth came out more readily that way and I then asked Karen to address Angela with those comments.
At the end of the session, we had gone somewhere, not exactly sure where, though Karen thought it was beneficial and she was satisfied. I personally did not think I was successful in completing the cycle of experience.
I shared my experience with Michael and here is his feedback. I am sharing it because I believe it could be useful for others. “I love how you hung in there with your client as she reacted to the interruption, and how you processed with her to where she became aware of the greater pattern in her life. You helped her create awareness (ICF). From what you shared, I do see your engagement with the cycle of experience. I know you were practicing Gestalt, yet coaching is not Gestalt Therapy. Starting a coaching session with a general question of what is arising now will always activate the story, and you will find your self swimming upstream a bit. What question could you ask at the opening of a session that focuses and grounds your client to focus on goal setting and contracting with you? Regardless, I will say that even the best efforts to quickly get to contract with a client can be overridden by the client’s need to stay in the story. When that happens, you need to go with it, but you can reflect in ways that trigger awareness. For example: “I hear how important it is for you to share the back story with me. What else do you know about your goal for this coaching session?” “
When I interviewed that client I really didn’t understand the difference between Gestalt Therapy and Gestalt Coaching. What I am slowly gathering is Gestalt might be a way for us to notice when there is in-congruence, or when the client is losing contact, or the energy is changing. It might just be another awareness tool for us, maybe that’s all we need to know in order to call the client’s attention on what it is happening for them in the Here and Now????-
Nadine – Thank you so much for sharing your experience. And Michael’s feedback. Great learning for all of us, even if it was an uncomfortable situation of you!
I too have a difficult time wanting to pull out of the story and focus on what is happening – now. Since we can’t guide through a past story and other’s parts in it, although this does influence this ‘now’ From what we learned and from the reading, that is very much the Gestalt theory that you work in the here and now. And, Michael’s input on staying with the story but then bringing it back to the goal of the coaching session through reflection can be a difficult one. We have to determine when/where/how to get to that point.
The empty chair exercise sounds like it did get your client in a more communication state with herself and needs. Just maybe not in a deeper need state. But if we go back to what Derek taught, that sessions may not come to what we think of as a completion but it may be a completion for the client. Are you going to meet with Karen again? Maybe taking what you started with the other person in the chair (after Angela) and taking that further?
Finally to your point – we’re not Gestalt therapists. But it can be one of our tools to understanding how to guide our client as just one part of our sessions. If we weren’t practicing specifically Gestalt would you have stayed with it or maybe brought in other tools? Just a thought.
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Nadine, this is awesome and such a wonderful job from your write up of the experience. I want to address what you wrote in your last paragraph. I think Gestalt in the way we are learning to incorporate it with coaching is like a pair of x-ray vision glasses we can put on. I would say yes, it is an awareness tool super focused on what is arising in the moment. I really noticed how you used what was happening in the moment with your client’s reaction to your interruption as what actually had the most juice to it — the new issue at hand, versus the story that she had started talking about. This is a huge growth in your tracking skills from foundations where you likely would have continued to track the story and look for the want. You were listening on a much deeper level (body language, tone of voice, energetic shifts, what was NOT being said, where your client was NOT able to go) and highlighting that.
I would say Gestalt is also a tool to track contact with our clients. We can check out if our client is in contact with us or not. Where as a coach are you breaking contact with your client? And when and how are they breaking it with you? Looking for introjection, retroflection, deflection, confluence, projection and creating awareness around these.
Awesome job!
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My practice client is a friend of mine and I’m quite familiar with her and the story she’s been in that she wanted to address. That was a pro in that we didn’t need to spend too much time on the story side. Although, she did very much want to spell it out again in the context of what she wanted to address so I held that space for her to let her talk through it with the gentle reminder of what her goal was/is. But it was also a bit of con for me as a guide as I had to backup and separate myself out of what I already know and how I want to help my friend.
We talked through our session while we were out on the water – her on her kayak, me on my paddle board. She has let me know many times that she is most relaxed and feels freest when she’s out on the water. This gal is very reserved, concerned about being ‘judged’ and very analytical so for her to be open to coaching, I thought this would be a great place to be.
What most came to mind as we were talking through her session was she is stuck in the cycle of experience between mobilization and action. As we kept creeping up to the difference between the thoughts of moving past the identified issue and creating another action than going back into the loop, she would start re-analyzing and going back to the story. It was easier for her to deflect back into the logic of how ‘it should be’ versus allowing the feelings to come through to move past this.
Her issue has to do with being secure that she has the power to make her own decisions vs. letting circumstance making her stay in the same place. So we tried an experiment where I had her paddle through several coves without a plan, just wherever the whim took her. I encouraged her to not follow a set pattern. And I followed along. When she asked where we were going, I just held the silence to let her decide. There were some very tense moments and fear that came out as anger at first, but after a while there was also the joy of just going along. I let her take it further by being the decider of what way we went back to shore and I could tell that was a confidence builder. She never did let go enough though to express a deeper need but I noticed she was more comfortable when we were packing up.
We are meeting again soon as she wasn’t ready to take any steps on this on her own. It will be interesting to see how she feels now that there’s been some time to digest the feelings that came up.
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Kim, I love how you used exploring on the water as a way to give her permission to just do/be and not follow how things “should” be. It sounds like it was a good first step in her letting go of some of the story (in some way). Your description of the session and how she kept coming back to logic and the “shoulds” reminded me of the reading in Coaching Skills when they talked about how it’s important to get to the emotion behind the story in order for real change to occur. This session seems like a perfect example of that.
A bit unrelated… I LOVE that you are coaching on the water. I have a paddle board and have been contemplating getting a second one (down the road when it makes sense) to do coaching sessions on the water. I’d love to chat more about your experiences coaching from your paddle board if you are open to sharing.
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Amber – yes, I’ve done two coaching sessions on the water. The first was unexpected but came naturally, the second (the one I shared) was planned. Both good learning experiences and would love to share my observations/maybe figure out some ideas on this together. I’ll messenger you and we could talk through 🙂
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Hi Kim. I totally understand the need to “backup and separate myself out of what I already know and how I want to help my friend”. I find that even when coaching someone who is not considered a friend, but may have similar stories or associations (like with NCL students) that I am needing to practice this as well.
I love that you two got together on the water, a place safe for her. -
First of all, as I am currently exploring combining coaching and motorcycle and in the process of defining a service around it, I am totally enrolled with the idea of coaching on the water! How cool is that?!! And so perfect for where you live. I definitely want to schedule a session with you. 🙂
The situation with your client reminded me very much of a coaching session I recently had, with a new client I had never met. That session left me question my ability to coach that client as I felt there was no opening for me to work from. I brought the situation up to Michael as I had apprehension going into the next session, and he reminded me that trust is a 2-way process and it has to be established first. What a good reminder! I let go of my worries, went into the second session with a lighter heart, my client started the session by apologizing for not being open on the first session… and we had a great session. You did know your friend well beforehand, but I wonder if trust still had to be established with Kim in her new role as a coach?
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Nadine – Absolutely need to do a session on the water together!
We are just entering into our beautiful weather season, one of the reasons I live in AZ. And I am finding it is such a peaceful place to be with folks. But definitely more involved time-wise.
Thank you for bringing up the point about trust in me as a coach. I hadn’t thought of the relationship with my friend like that needing to build that type of trust.
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Kim, this is so awesome! I love the session on the water idea, particularly thinking about your unique gifts as a coach so connected to adventure and movement!
Nadine, wonderful point you bring up about the friend possibly needing to build trust in this new role of Kim as coach.
I would also add that it’s important to remember that whatever pattern or behavior our client is facing has established itself for a very good reason in their behaviors. There is likely a lot of fear deep down that is incredibly uncomfortable for the client to touch. Facing this and beginning to shift it can sometimes happen in one session, and it also makes perfect sense that it might take however long it takes for our clients to be able to “go there”. Change is a natural process and change can be totally scary.
Kim, this sounds like you did such an amazing job of guiding your client into an experiment that likely challenged her limiting beliefs. And she did it!! And you saw a shift in her as a result. This is wonderful! Even if you feel as though you did not land on a “deeper need”, this sounds like a very relevant and important experiment you had. This is where the incorporation phase of your session can be really important. After this kind of experience, everything has been shaken up for your client and is beginning to reorganize itself. This is where you can take some time at the end to inquire about how this experience can inform how they move through the rest of their day and week? What they might do differently? Is there a mantra or a phrase they can use to capture the shift that they are currently experiencing and bring that into their daily life?
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SUMMARY POST- My biggest take-aways from my experiences through this unit are loosening the reins on the process and talking less.
The severance process is important, but it doesn’t need to be rigid. It can flow in and out of parts and out of order if necessary. While I knew this as a fact we learned in foundations, I was really able to experience it with one of my recent coaching sessions where the session essentially went backwards. It instilled the lesson from a deeper, experiential place, that all roads lead home and that the deeper need will arise, even if the process is out of order. As I’m writing this I am also realizing it’s another place in my life to let go of there being a right or wrong way to do things. We tend to be wired (likely from childhood) to do things the “right way” instead of doing them intuitively and in a way that feels right to us. (interesting interjects here…)
As I practiced with new clients who I have no previous connection with, I realized that my nerves fill the space with my voice. Giving a bit more silence before responding will allow the client to go a little deeper. I noticed that even just a few more seconds and my client and I wouldn’t start talking at the same time and she would have gone deeper into what she was exploring. I’d stop and ask her to continue, but of course she would deflect back to me at that point. I’m reminded of the energy that Derek would show up with. He was fully present (not in his head), calm, and open. He often spoke very little. I know that doing less is often actually doing more for our clients, I just need to practice the silence of just being present (perhaps more meditation in my life may be useful here). I can also see how a lot of embodying this presence and slowing down on my side relates to what I wrote about about allowing the process to flow as it needs to. Getting out of my head and out of “the right way” of doing it will allow me to be more present, to slow down, and to bring that calm and openness to my sessions with my clients to better serve them.
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Summary post-
What I am taking away from this module is that there is a LOT going on and to be aware of between the coach and client without even words being spoken.
How I hold myself, what’s going on in my mind, my day, my life, will all interact with the session.
I need to maintain a safe container for my clients to be and feel safe to be open and supported while also keeping my separateness to be able to do so properly.
Staying in the present while listening for how the past or future is trying to creep into the moment can be difficult at times.
I like the focus on the physical sensations that come up without having to give them a name like anxiety, stress, or other labels from society. The idea of helping someone change how their body reacts to a memory, thought or event, to help them create a new pathway is very exciting to me. I believe this is how we heal and grow and continue on our journeys to living our best lives.
That day at the Starhouse when Derek said “I would have run out the door with you” because trauma gets stuck in the body are words I will never forget. Helping someone through that doorway, to a better, healthier, happier life will be an honour.
There is a process to follow as a guideline and not all session may hit on each point, and that’s ok. I can go with my gut, and go with the flow and my client can still have an impactful, insightful session. -
SUMMARY POST
To summarize my learning, Gestalt’s goal is awareness. Gestalt is an exploration tool that can be used anywhere in the session with our clients to bring awareness to a particular area and to bring focus on the Here and Now (process / what is happening vs. content / what is being discussed). Through my limited practice, our readings and the posts from my cohort, I can already see the opportunities to use Gestalt are endless as long as we go with the flow and let creativity take its course, use techniques toward increasing awareness, and as long as they emerge out of the dialogue. Awareness and dialogue are the two primary tools in Gestalt.
Though at first hand it seems easier to apply Gestalt when being in person with the client (easier to notice body posture, facial expressions, gestures), it can also be applied over the phone, though it might a bit different (now noticing more voice quality and tone, or tapping into baseline and energy shifts, tune in verbal rhythm of the voice, notice when contact is lost…)
I like how Ivy puts it “ As the guide, you are caught in the dance, too, because it’s not always just– what is happening now with my client, but also what is happening now with me? “ The Gestalt coach needs bring her whole self into the session. She seeks to be fully present in her body and aware of her thoughts, emotions, physicality and spirit/ energy. Gestalt coaching requires the coach to be intuitive, self-aware and in touch with her bodily and emotional selves. The coach’s presence is active, excited, healing, honest and direct, and the coach is responsible for the quality and the quantity of her presence, and for keeping her awareness and contact clear and matched to the patient. For this reason it is important to keep a pulse on what is going on for us as coaches, as well and to notice what we bring in the session.
What I learned in this last couple of months is that we no longer have to be confined to the structure on the Severance Process and still be efficient in determining the deeper need, and that opens up new possibilities. I am looking forward to learning more about Gestalt as this approach really appeals to me. -
SUMMARY POST – My take-away’s from our Gestalt module: 1.) I still have so much to learn and practice to bring Gestalt into the most useful tool it can be for me. 2.) It is about awareness. Practicing my awareness tools, 360 vision, sensory meditation, baseline, etc. will all help in my ability to notice the changes in the nature of my client, around us, and within myself. 3.) Curiosity plays a big part as well, what is causing this change? Without the curiosity I think the awareness goes unacknowledged. Thank the curiosity leads to action for discovery.
As I type this I am realizing that this is a practice I can bring into my everyday, every moment life, not just in coaching. I also feel that I am doing more of this work already than I realize. I trust my intuition (gut guidance) and can see how I am already leaning into the unconscious awareness I have of my surroundings, a situation, or my inner self/beliefs that guides my gut. It is almost as thought I need to expand more in a conscious manner upon this.
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Summary Post
Echoing what everyone is saying – Gestalt is about awareness. Awareness of our selves and awareness of our client in the now. Actively listening and actively contributing while staying focused on the verbal and non verbal cues. There is a lot going on!One of my biggest learnings is to stay in the present and not over-anticipate what experiment(s) to do with the client. In the few times I’ve tried this I found myself drifting in to ‘what am I going to do?’ mode. And then if I do this, ‘what will I do next?’ In that way, I was getting away from the curiosity/creativity for the client and more trying to check the box of I’m supposed to do this.
It is really driving home for me the need to practice, practice, practice. Not just Gestalt but everything we are doing. And for me, I need to get away from what I think a session should go like and let it flow. Trusting that by holding the space needed for my client will allow what is supposed to happen will happen.
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I just viewed the Gestalt Toolbox Integration Webinar as I was not able to attend. As always, it is so nice to see your smiling faces. Thank you for that!
This was very useful webinar for several reasons. First, hearing the terminology (awareness awareness awareness, interject, projection, retroflection, cycle of experience, contact… to name a few) brought me back into the conversation. Because t feels like the Gestalt introduction by Derrick was eons away, even using Gestalt with my clients, since I have moved to practicing Partswork.
What was also very helpful to me is when Ivy said that Gestalt coaching is not in service of the client’s healing, it is not necessary about completing the cycle of experience, it is not therapy (Super important “nuance” which I am not sure was made very clear during the intensive training). Instead it is client led, the client notices her patterns, realizes that it is not serving her any longer and makes choices accordingly. The question for us as guide is how do we create an experiment around that? Did I understand that correctly Ivy, Mandy?
The term “super hero listening” that Mandy coined really helped me crystallizes the importance of listening to the clients and to ourselves as coaches. Thanks to Kim for bringing that up. Everything that is happening has everything to do with us, we are an inherent part of the equation.
And the reassurance that we do not have to have all the answers. As Mandy said: Live the questions long enough!! Thank you Ivy for this beautiful quote.
“Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given you, because you wouldn’t be able to live them. And the point is to live everything, live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” -
What I am taking away from the Gestalt module is that Gestalt is the here and now, being in this current moment with the client. How I show up as a coach is part of that moment, how they show up as a client is too. As the coach I need to be aware and watch for the body language of a client to show me if there is a conflict between what the client is saying and their physical expression and what does that tell me? The client is, like always, the one in control but I can also gently push towards their comfort edges a bit to see what may open up for them. Creating an experience where the client can physically explore a situation in a new way to complete a cycle of experience/ therapeutic cycle with a new outcome to create the beginning of new neural pathways is very impactful. To me Gestalt is something that is always part of all sessions wether it be “just” being present and in the moment with the client and keeping them there, watching their physical body expressions in a situation or going all the way into an experiment.
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I found myself engaged in active listening from the initial point of contact. I have incorporated a consistent practice of settling myself and practicing the check-in procedure I facilitate with my groups to invite them into the present moment experience with myself prior to approaching a session with any clients – truth be told, I have set the intention to incorporate a degree of this before leaving my house! From the outset, I was so excited for the practice client and named that immediately. My perception is that, through modeling authentic joy for them and their decision to take a look inward, there was a solid establishing of trust and team approach before we even got past the first few minutes of our conversation.
I should clarify that this session was over the phone. We had discussed, via email, meeting in person and then scheduling was tricky. I had suggested Google Hangouts and they were concerned that internet connection would not be sufficient, so we settled on getting started over the phone. I approached the exchanges around the scheduling of the actual session as the session itself. The client hinted at hesitation/skepticism around any semblance of connection being possible if we were not together and outside. I honored that concern while inviting a reframe that perhaps what I was perceiving as an expression of doubt (they used the word “doubtful” and phrases like “I don’t see how…” “but we won’t be outside…”) might have underlying curiosity around it. They were receptive to their voiced doubt as being a barrier to curiosity, and we booked a phone session.
The session went through several pacing shifts as we began. From slow and seemingly hesitant to energized and vibrating as we got through some story and into some conflict. During the slower, initial minutes of the hour, I tried to be aware of the client’s breath and, through asking for clarification, was able to establish that he was sitting in an old desk chair (it was SUPER audible when he shifted his weight during our time together). I focused on not filling these quieter, ‘slower’ parts of the exchange and found that this helped to further establish space between us. Not space separating us; rather connecting us.
The sounds from these quieter, initial portion of our session informed baseline shifts throughout our time together, and I would point out my awareness of these noises as they came through. I attempted to do so with humor and playfulness and curiosity; highlighting with comments such as, “I’m wondering if anything is coming up for you around this—sounds like pacing…”
I felt that the session might be heading in the direction of some well-rooted introjection, yet decided not to name this curiosity and allow the conversation to continue to unfold. We, instead, moved forward together with a dialog around their experience and movements as we casually connected over the phone. It occurred to me, as we reached about 40 minutes into the session, that I had been approaching our first session as a ‘guided tour’, if you will, to just how there is room for powerful connection through a phone session with a guide…almost as if I was providing a DEMO of our potential work together. I made a decision to name this awareness for myself, and asked how that landed with the client. They said that they hadn’t felt as if it was a test-run…and then paused for quite some time…I held that space and waited for what felt like the “more” to come. And it did! They named that they had had a few conversations with peers about how doubtful they were that this could “work” over the phone and that they had been sort of car shopping and test driving. I can’t name any audible shifts in tone, pace, or even movement from over the phone; however, as soon as we both identified this lens through which we apparently were both engaging, the energy dropped and we might as well have been in the same room!
I asked if I might turn inwards for a moment and explore why I was easing an agenda onto our time together and was granted some time; acknowledging that this was the clients session and not my own, I offered up that I felt it could better inform the duration of this session as well as future sessions together and invited the client to ask in to where their hesitation may be settling.
Based on time restraints, we decided to set up 2 more sessions, specifically over the phone, to continue to navigate what had come up as our time together was closing. Seemingly creating the session itself as the “Experiment” to shake up that homeostasis and reframe/reorganize the experience…hopefully more free from what we BOTH brought in to it.
It felt great to own what, upon reflection, felt like a subtle agenda—almost defensive in nature—that I had invited in to the session. And the naming of it really created tangible contact between us during the session…we were both in it up to that point, or so I perceived; however, the connection through that highlighting solidified something. Excited to see where it will unfold from here and think that we will begin subsequent sessions with some more intentional grounding and breathing. Maybe a naming exercise to see what we’ve brought with us…so fun!