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Guiding through Grief (SP 2018)
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22 Replies
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My client for this session is a 70 year old retired college administrator. He is a former teacher of literature with a particular love of British literature and British authors. He is extremely intelligent, well-read and well-traveled. He is a collector of books with literally thousands of copies of first editions. He is single and has lived alone for most of his life.
He has been the primary caregiver for his elderly mother for a number of years. However, having retired in the last three years, and with his mom in a supported living environment, he has rarely left her side over the past two years. She passed away this past June and his brother passed away just last month.
We opened our conversation with something of a catch up of the past few days. Very soon however the conversation turned to how he’s trying to navigate the losses in his life. In addition to the loss of mother and brother, he talked about a continued difficulty not working and teaching. Additionally, he has developed an arthritic condition in his knees which hampers mobility and leaves him sitting at home more than usual. It seems that loss for him has come from so many different directions concurrently.
As he talked, I reminded myself of some of the basics of what we have learned about grief, 1) this is his grief and not mine, 2) how he processes it is unique to him, 3) dealing with someone who’s grieving may not necessary follow our coaching paradigm. I also became aware of the Rescuer/Teacher in me who is uncomfortable with the pain of grief and might look for a quick fix or answer to provide some relief. I made a conscious effort to breathe and let go and just be present.
He clearly was beating himself up and ruminating over his inability to move forward, finding motivation to connect again socially or even to leave the house. I thought about our handouts on the determinants of grief, particularly the nature of the relationships and their impact on grief. He has lost his remaining nuclear family in 6 months. That’s a lot. I suggested that he might be a little more forgiving and tolerant of himself and that his process might be longer than imagined. I proposed that it is important to live out our own process and while people mean well – the truth is we all grieve in different ways and on different timetables. He talked about a feeling of being closed in, yet not really having the energy to engage. I inquired about his “alone time” and what was his experience of it. He did not describe it in depressing terms, just soothing and reflective. I reiterated the immensity of the loss he is experiencing and the need for a more inward focus is very understandable. He did however express a darkness about his physical surroundings in the house. I asked if there might be options other than having to be out with people. (I admit to you my cohort this was a leading question, oh well) He seemed to think the idea of sitting on the back patio with a book, now that it’s warmer, would be a pleasant change.
He expressed surprise at thinking at times that he was really doing better and then a sudden depth of sadness making a reappearance. He seemed to hold a frame of reference that he should just progressively get better on some continuous trajectory. I shared that based on what I’ve been learning most of us experience grief as more of a roller coaster and it’s important to be patient with ourselves. He talked about the notion of everything getting back to “normal”. I just shared that people had shared with me in times of my own grief the idea of “getting over it and getting back to normal” hadn’t worked for me. I said that I believed that that was unrealistic because I won’t have that person’s physical presence again (adjusting to a world without the deceased). I mentioned the notion of learning to re-order my life as it is now rather than expecting some kind of previous order. This notion resonated with his reality and seemed to offer some relief of expectation.
He slowly returned to voicing his ideas about what might be next for him. He said that he would love to go to Spain but was concerned about his knees and mobility. He mentioned a friend who still travels but makes arrangements with the airlines for wheel chair service. I reinforced that option. He mentioned a friend who had invited him to come to Colorado for a visit. I suggested that maybe that would be a good “dry run” for returning to travel. I said maybe you could call your friend and explore that plan. He agreed. I will follow up this week.
I guess as I reflect on this session, I really am struck by the enormity of grief, how real and encompassing it can be. I’m aware that even though I know mentally about being present with “someone else’s” grief with some detachment from my own – it’s really hard. But I do see the importance of mirroring their experience and remembering and respecting the wisdom that is needful is inside them. I am really grateful for the training we have received on this topic – it is so relevant personally and professionally.-
Hi Brad, I like your summary list of reminders about grief that you listed before the session. In particular, what a good reminder that dealing with someone in grief may not follow our coaching paradigm. It is such a good thing, in my view, to accept that sometimes, all bets are off – we can hold the container for the severance, threshold, incorporation – and sometimes it may be something else that’s called for. Maybe you just hang out in the grief (issue) the whole time. Maybe bringing the issue to light is what’s needed for that session. Maybe the need is just companionship and a good conversation. I’m curious if you had a sense of navigating the session in any sort of order. Did the map that we work with apply here? Were there times you had to let it go?
I also want to mention that I really appreciate the way you describe your sessions. I feel like I’m there and I get to witness the session like a fishbowl. Very inspiring!
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Thank you for sharing. I am a little bit late getting in the game here.
I do resonate with the rescuer and healer in you… I am the same. It is a struggle for me to sit back and let the healing session unfold. I have been a problem solver, as a nurse, for over 20 yrs… it is hard to let that role go. I am a work in progress.
This was intense session, this client was dealing with all kinds of grief.. family, physical, social…
This session really opened my eyes to all forms of grief. When I think of grief, I initially think of loss of life, but it is so much more than that.
Great job!
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Brad,
It sounds like you did a great job creating the space for your client and listening. I agree with you when you said “dealing with someone in grief may not follow our coaching paradigm. It is such a good thing, in my view, to accept that sometimes, all bets are off – we can hold the container for the severance, threshold, incorporation – and sometimes it may be something else that’s called for.” It would appear that is exactly what your client needed – space to be with grief. A lot occurred to this individual in a short period of time and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to cope with. I feel that you gave your client so much by just being present and listening and reflecting. Great job!
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Hi Brad,
From your reflection, I see how you were able to hold space for and validate your client’s true experience with grief and be an authentic human in the moment. I hear how you checked out some different options with him, to see how they might land (forward movement/change of scenery/connect with others) for him. These were in service of forward movement, a new normal that he would create (rather than expecting the old normal to return). I heard that for now— reading a book on the porch was a doable, possible change of scene and then eventually, someday he might be able to get out and go to Spain with the right resources in place.
It was interesting to hear how this spectrum lined up for him with your presence and gently held, non judgemental container. It’s interesting to note how holding space for another’s reality and grief can create a sense of being seen, accompanied or held/acknowledged and this can be enough to create a little movement or safety for them to peek into their next possibility.
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Grief is not something that comes up in an average coaching session for me, as most of my work focuses on helping people create businesses. Not to say that grief may not be part of this process, it’s just generally not something we unpack unless it’s really up and necessary. But as it were, I had a kind of serendipitous and impromptu session with a friend/sub-contractor that included both grief and business coaching… perfect to reflect on for this module!
I spoke about this person in the brain and change discussion. She recently found out that her husband has stage 3 cancer that had spread to his heart and was inoperable due to it’s location on the central artery. Suddenly her life turned upside down and she was faced with the possibility of losing her husband and becoming a single mom of two, without any income. And then there is also the possibility that he will survive and thrive for many years to come. But no matter what, their life as they knew it has changed. Everything is re-oriented towards treatment, planning, recovery, and a renewed sense of valuing their time together as a family.
She had emailed me letting me know this was going on, and we have a strong enough rapport that by the time we connected by phone she seemed very comfortable to just open up about where she was in her process. To my surprise she was in a very “get it done” mentality, and some of the shock and despair that had come through in our email communications had shifted into action. Her main focus now was on creating a fundraising page and creating a plan for how her family was going to get through the next 4 months financially. So… we talked about this, and she seemed very grateful at the end to be able to talk through it so frankly. I gave her some tips on fundraising, and was completely neutral and “business-y” about her GoFundMe page for her family. I think she was actually happy to be able to have a regular conversation about the practical aspects of how they were going to raise enough money for the treatment and cover their expenses while her husband is out of work.
I think had I not gone through the grief module, I may have had a preconceived idea of how our conversation should have gone, or maybe a judgement about us not spending so much time on the emotional aspects. But the grief module really helped me get that it’s totally unknown territory and people are going to go through it in their own way, ant their own time. It’s not a linear process, and you really never know what you’re gonna get. She seemed to be in some level of acceptance when we spoke and so I honored that and operated from that place with her. This is the big take away for me in the grief module – have no expectations, meet them where they are, and get curious about what they need from that place.
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Megan,
I think your summary says it best “This is the big take away for me in the grief module – have no expectations, meet them where they are, and get curious about what they need from that place.”. I too share a more “business” approach with my clients, and I don’t intend to specifically work with those who are grieving. However, there are many faces in our organization wherever they are staff, vendors, clients etc and they have lives of their own and it only increases the exposure to grief. Just today I found out we had a vendor lose his wife over the weekend to breast cancer. I had no idea, and now this individual is heading down a road where grief will be present. If the only thing we can do is listen and be there for this person, then that’s what we should do as coaches. In summary, I agree with your assertion that we need to meet them where they are and help with what they need.
Thanks!
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Summary Post – Brad
First, thank you Ivy and Megan for the thoughtful feedback. Megan, In answer to your question about having a conscious framework in place, I really did not. What was helpful was recalling thoughts from our intensive, particularly to be present, aware and attending. Grief really seems like a very different thing to hold in a coaching session. Maybe because its more like an empathetic experience. I did come back to our map as I reflected on the session to help see the concepts. I like Ivy’s comment about “being seen”, wow, isn’t that what we all hope for in our grief – someone who is really seeing us and still able to sit with us in that condition – without judgement or instruction. Also Megan, your support of your friend is so loving and kind and I like how open you were to how she is addressing this time in her life. Regarding grief, I want to believe that hope can arise within us all. Just as I believe that we seek a state of equilibrium, we can emerge in time from darkness or the “well of grief”. All experience shapes us, yes? As one who is examining The Caretaker part of me, I need to be reminded of the formation of the gestalt – to simply be with “what is” and know there is no catastrophe. Humans are incredibly resilient by nature. I, as a friend and coach, need to trust in others inner compass – my role is to listen for the tone of the inner GPS. While I think of dealing with grief as less goal directed, it certainly mirrors the process of severance, threshold and integration. And since feasting on Siegel’s work, the term integration holds greater meaning for me. Finding that flow at the center of Self where all things shape me and I can collect and hold all of my experience. See you soon!
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SUMMARY POST
Reflecting on this module, I’m also reflecting on my time with EBI and learning to guide. I tend towards simplification in life, and if at all possible like to boil complex experiences down to an easy take away – a way of being, a concept, a feeling. What I take away from this module, and so many of the modules, is to just show up, be present, listen and accept what is. It seems so simple, and yet it’s such a practice for me. This training has provided a wonderful space to practice. It’s helped me let go of my fear around showing up for certain things – trauma, grief, heavy emotions, neediness, expectations. In a somewhat mysterious fashion, I’ve gotten a better grip on my boundaries through this practice. Or maybe having a better grip on my boundaries has helped be feel safe enough to do this. Whichever came first, the chicken or the egg, I am very very grateful for these experiences. I feel both courage and safety to step into meeting someone in their grief, or meeting them with whatever they bring to a session.
Specific to grief, I love the concept of the “well of grief” that Brad mentioned. Part of life is grief, a deep and endless well of it. Through my own life experiences, I am starting to trust its medicine. Grief breaks us open, it expands our capacity to feel, to love, to enjoy life. So, I can trust grief to work it’s magic on my clients too. Grief is medicine, and I don’t need to do anything but witness it doing its work. As Brad and Ivy noticed, being seen is a gift all in itself.
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Megan- I love what you said about grief being a medicine. I agree that being able to go through the motions and feel is what makes us feel all that life throws our way! If things never changed, if we never grieved a day in our lives would we appreciate what we have? It makes me feel greatful for every day and hopefully help accept when things change with the knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I also wanted to comment on what you said about feeling better about putting up boundaries while working with clients. Good for you! I feel this is something that I am looking forward to working on…. Having boundaries and self care while working with others is key. Self care and boundaries aren’t just for you its for our clients as well.
Something that I have written down is…
“I want to be present with their pain, but not take it on as my own.”
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Grief
Initial Post
6-25-18One of the biggest things I learned during our intensive is that “closure” for the pain of grief is actually a myth. Ashely David Prend explains that it’s human nature to seek a neat, tidy closure so that we may continue living and leave the pain behind. Prend goes on to explain that we can never completely shut the door, because doing so would be more painful as it would sever the connections, memories, and love we felt and that would be even worse. This was a big awakening to me, as I always thought closure was the last “step” in the process of grieving. I thought you had to put it behind you somehow. What I learned in reality is that it’s not actually a process of closure you go through, rather a process of incorporation so that you may continue living your life.
This process of incorporation is better explained in Wordens Four Tasks of Mourning. The first step is Accepting the Reality of the Loss. Simply put, this is coming to terms with that fact that a loved one is gone. This step is a logical first step and one I always thought would be number one. Once it is realized that the person is gone and that reunion is impossible, it becomes possible to move on to step two and start processing the pain.
The second step is Processing the Pain of Greif. This step can be described as “feeling the feelings”. This is an important process because if the pain of grief is not worked through, it can manifest itself in other ways or behaviors. Essentially, the individual needs to let it all out, and again this makes sense to me as a step in the process towards healing grief.
The third step is Adjusting to a World without the Decreased. An easy way to describe this step is, “who is going to mow the lawn?”. This step tackles concrete things and plans for role adjustment to survive on a daily basis. When losing a loved one, adjustments will have to be made and these adjustments can be external such as chores, internal which is gaining a new self of self and spiritual which is adjustment to a new sense of the world. Again, this step makes sense and was clear to me in the process of healing grief.
The forth step is the one that was surprising to me and relates back to my earlier discussion relating to closure. The fourth step is Finding Enduring Connection with the Deceased in the Midst of Embarking on a new Life. Essentially, this is the step where you move forward with your life. However, the big difference here is that you are not “closing” anything to move on, rather you are incorporating the loved on who is decreased into your life. This is a huge distinction! You are not shutting the door on the past and opening a new one for the future, you are keeping that door open and simultaneously opening a new one. Understandably, this is the most difficult task to work though for anyone grieving. However, it is possible. It is possible to memorialize and remember a dead loved to keep them with us and to engage with life.To me, this is where coaching comes into play with grief counselling. The role of a coach is to create awareness and bring out something in another that they may not have otherwise seen before. I don’t think that most who are grieving are aware of that fact that closure is a myth and that incorporation is the actual process they need to go through. I am extremely grateful for gaining this knowledge and I imagine so would another if they learned how to incorporate connection with a deceased person into their life (and how much time they potentially saved) by going through the correct grieving process. The role of the coach is to create a space to allow the person to do exactly this. It will of course depend where the person is in the process, but knowing the process and normalizing it with the person will allow them to progress. The severance, threshold, and incorporation work will change throughout these steps, but in the end the person will reach a point of incorporation and be able to continue functioning in their life, and that’s what is important.
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Nick- Initial Post Response. (Not sure if I am clicking the right button when responding) again sorry it has taken me so long to jump into conversation on here.
I wanted to say THANK YOU for this post. As I re-read all of our post it help me re-learn all these lesson over again. Your way of describing the process really help me learned the process of grieving all over again.
I also appreciate the reminder that closure is a myth and that incorporation is the actual process they need to go through. You say, “You are not shutting the door on the past and opening a new one for the future, you are keeping that door open and simultaneously opening a new one.” I feel this is HUGE. We are taught to “move on” or “get over it” but the truth is moving through it and process it and than, “Open a new door.” So thank you for your words 🙂
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Nick, great job. I enjoyed reading this. Great job going through the steps of grief. I especially connected with the Process of Incorporation — not necessarily closure, but leaning how to incorporate the loss into your life and learning how to live with if. The second that resonated strongly with me (although they all did) was the Feel the Feelings. I have found that so many people are afraid to feel. It hurts, why would we want to feel the hurt? But, I feel this is so important. Feeling is Healing. To keep the yucky, unpleasant feelings buried keeps them inside, not is a space where you can deal with them… then, somehow, someway, those unpleasant feelings will surface and sometimes in odd ways.
Thank you !
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Nick, great review and I really enjoyed hearing your personal process and description of the steps. I feel curious about how closure relates to unfinished business. When I first learned that closure for grief is a myth it really didn’t make a lot of sense to me. I also didn’t really think closure is completely being done with the issue but maybe something left unsaid. For example, for me closure might be getting a chance to talk to you are dying loved one and telling them something important, learning how they died, or for a more simple example getting to understand why your spouse left you. It might even look like speaking to an empty chair as though it were the deceased, which I think can be super helpful in processing the loss. So, I don’t think it is appropriate to expect to never feel pain from that loss again but it seems natural to try to work with unfinished business, which I think some people call closure.
I also think it’s worth acknowledging that the four tasks of mourning do not seem like a linear process. It seems to me that it can be cyclical or even all over the place but as time passes and emotions are processed gets easier to go through. A lot like the cycle of change it seems like a sort of relapse can be experienced. For example, a person might accept the person is gone, processed a lot of feelings, feel like they have adjusted and are doing okay then find an old picture and be brought back into processing their emotions.
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Initial Post-
Learning about grief spoke loud and clear to me. What caught my interest was learning that we can grieve in more ways than the death of a loved one. Grief may come in many different circumstances. What I do know is when it arises in myself or in a client it is going to be heavy, it is a huge weight to carry around if not processed and or released.
Something I wanted to share and I am sure you all can relate with. I felt a lot of grief with graduating EBI. Something that was taught to us was the grief that comes from a decision you make, even if it does come from a decision you/they make you are STILL allowed to grief. I came home after graduating and also started a new job. I left a job that had supported me in many ways for over a decade. But a lot had shifted, mostly a lot had shifted in myself. I made the decision that it was time to move on/forward. I felt a lost of community from both EBI and the community this job had provided for me. It took me a few months, really till now to go through the motion of grieving…. I felt like I had lost two huge communities but what I learned going through this was it really does take TIME to heal or to get used to the new changes. It could be a transformation in positive ways for some but allow them to go through the process.
While working with clients I have learned that you can’t push them forward or though their process of grief. A huge tool is mirroring your client, meet them where they are, and walk side by side. I think it is important during their process of grief to not talk about what’s supposed to be or what could have been….talk about what is, talk about what is happening for them now.
Something that I wrote down that I circled a bunch of times is…”We are not taught to sit with the in-between, or the GREY area.” Why is this? Why aren’t we allowed to process things? We are told to be strong and to move on. Grief has always been weird for me. I always related it to the death of someone in my life. I never really felt like I had emotions towards it. I look at the people around me and how the grieve, and it explains everything for me. How are our clients are taught to process (grieve) is a great to have awareness around? Make sure you can sit with others, be aware of what grief looks like, and call it out when you see it…talk about it, If we can be ok with talking about it than it makes our clients feel safe.
SO, moving forward I believe when grief arises I want to create a safe place for them to talk about it,and process it. Be there to listen and reassure them they are where they are and that there is no timeline for grieving and moving forward/on. Be patient. Be kind.
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Hey Michelle, wow it sounds like you really got a lot out of this module. It seemed incredibly important to be able to understand what others are going through and for their experience not to be limited by anything, death for example. I loved hearing your example of how this applied to your own life with leaving EBI and your other job. It seems like any major life transition comes with some grieving of a previous life. I’m glad to hear you are able to acknowledge this and allow yourself the process.
I also appreciated your reflection on how important it is to meet the client where they are instead of making them feel like they need to be different in any way. It also seems important to hold the knowledge of that may not be helpful for the client to be stuck on what’s supposed to be or what could’ve been. At the same time, it’s important to acknowledge that this desire is what’s happening for them now and that is important.
You also say, “be aware of what grief looks like, and call it out when you see it” which I agree is very important. Sometimes just helping a person to understand what is happening to them and normalizing it can be one of the greatest gifts.
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Summary Post-
This course about grief has been one of the most helpful courses with EBI. Learning about how we process grief and the different stage are a huge help while working with clients. To be able to be present with ourselves and our clients as they working through whichever stage they are in and for us to be able to be a “guest house” for our clients is helpful in every way.
I see grief in a whole different way as a I did before. I see the process of change and closure differently as well and I HONOR incorporation more than ever now. Our goal is to help guide our client to figure out what to do NOW what do they need and how will they move forward with or without their grief. Honor where your client is in the stages of grief. Mirror them, empathize with them.
I know in all of my grief all I really ever needed was someone to listen and normalize what I was feeling. Through my transition now for example, I am about to move away from my community, my family, my comfort zone and I know it’s going to feel a lot like grief. I have had people in my life recently listen to what I am deciding to do and not empathize, they have negative comments for selfish reasons which I do understand but it creates doubt and fear of doing something that I feel is beneficial in my life. Than I have people who say that they will miss me and cherish these last few months and that they are so excited for me. How you show up for people makes a world of a difference. We are looking for someone to normalize how we feel and tell us it is ok to feel what we are feeling but that it will be OK. The difference is huge. So, the answer- show up for our clients with a safe place for them to talk and be accepted. Guide them through their process don’t push.
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Greif
8/1/18
Summary PostThroughout the grief unit, I wasn’t sure how I would interact with it being that my coaching presence is less so working with individuals on their own, but more working with individuals in our organization. What I have come to realize is grief is all over the place, and you simply don’t know when you will run into it. Also, while grief has a general process in which someone works through it, the speed and emotions related to it can be vastly different from one person to the next. Before this unit I was unsure how to deal with grief and how to even be around it, let along support someone with it. In these posts I’m seeing that it can definitely throw you (as the coach) off balance if you start going down that road with your client. Thankfully we have had this unit to give us an idea of what we are working with so we are not so startled or taken off guard. I’m realizing the best thing we can do for someone is just create a space that is safe and comfortable, and let them sit in the grief, process, and do whatever is natural for them in the moment. I’m going to venture that an individual likely will not create this space for themselves, as they are swirling around in the world and unsure what move to take next. As coaches we can create this container, and just be with them. To me, creating this for them is a huge first step in processing the grief and working towards integrating it (not closure!) in their life.
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Initial post,
I found this module extremely useful and extremely helpful. When I attended this module my girlfriend had recently lost her father unexpectedly. I had been trying to be there for her the best I could, but kept saying the wrong things and feeling unsure of how to show up for her. Sometimes I just felt uncomfortable because I wanted to help but didn’t understand how to and she could sense my discomfort which would easily cause her to feel guilty. At the time of this module, it had only been a little over a month since her dad passed. At first, she was extremely upset which felt completely expected to me but as time went on I realized there was more going on than I knew how to deal with. For a while she was still able to explain what was going on for her, cry, and engage with me about her process. Sometimes, she might even have a good day or just be able to enjoy small things. Other times, it felt like there is no reaching her, there is nothing she wanted and no way she could engage. My usual tactic was either to comfort her, make her smile in some way, or to find something for us to engage in together but was becoming frustrating and burdensome for her. As time passed she became more distant and her grief seemed to become more complex and subtle. This is when I realized I needed to learn more about what she was going through.
The simple understanding of how complex, and long-lasting grief can be was extremely useful. It is also very helpful to learn that multiple losses can all be part of the same grieving process because she had lost other people in her life in recent years. This gave me a deeper perspective of what she was going through and made me feel the gravity of the situation more strongly.
I also appreciated learning how important self-care is when supporting someone in grief. I would often look to her for support and process what I was feeling. Either that or I would hold it in feeling like I could support her without needing support myself. Before the module, I was starting to learn that she really was unable to process with me anymore and felt a huge relief once I had more of an understanding of what was going on. I realized that I needed to find someone else so that I could discharge the emotions I was taking on in supporting her.
Something else is very happy to talk about was all the ways people miss the mark in trying to offer comfort. My girlfriend would often complain about how frustrating this was, especially with her classmates. She did tell me how hard it was wanting support but when she would tell people about her dad’s death could tell they just felt uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say. So instead of being with her, they would offer platitudes like “time will make it all better” or “he is in a better place now.” I also learned through this how easy it can be to say the wrong thing. I learned that I tend to want to put a positive spin on the situation if possible especially when I’m uncomfortable and trying to be positive is often upsetting. To her there really wasn’t any positive way to look at it, her dad died which was just horrible and it needed to be okay that it was just horrible. I also messed up a few times by commenting on how well she seemed to be doing or her strength in processing her emotions. Even though I didn’t mean them this way she let me know that the subtle message she received when I said these things was that she needed to be strong or happy instead of allowing herself to feel weak or sad.
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Summary,
Wow, I took away so much from this module. I was so happy to get a better understanding of what was going on with my girlfriend and appreciated having some of what was going on with her being normalized for me. I felt so lucky to start getting a better understanding of how challenging, all-encompassing, and unpredictable grief can be. I found it especially useful to learn that multiple losses can have a compounding effect and all be part of the same grieving process because my girlfriend had not only lost her dad recently but had three other significant losses in the past three years. I already knew that this was huge but this module gave me more perspective and understanding.
She would often talk about how she felt like she lost all of her friends to this process but I didn’t really understand how this could happen. She would try to tell me all the frustrations she had with people but I always felt like she could have been more understanding. Now I understand how challenging it can be to put any effort into a relationship at all when all of your energy is going toward processing the intense emotions you’re having. I understand how sensitive a grieving person can be to feeling like a friend isn’t there for support because they don’t know what to say. I understand how easy it is to say the wrong thing and how often people that are grieving are having to deal with other people’s discomfort which causes them to say and do the wrong thing a lot. It was striking to me how, even in such an emotional place, she was constantly having to be a teacher for others in how to be with her. This frustration often causes her to just want to be alone even though he really wanted to feel supported. I now know that this a long time is very important but it’s just as important to have companionship. I also know now that not everyone deals with grief in this way but I do imagine that this experience is somewhat common.
Through this module and this experience of being with her, I learned how important it is just to be there, and for the bereaved to feel seen in their grief. Sometimes grief can be a roller coaster of emotions, feeling fine one minute and crying the next. This constant flux of emotion can leave the bereaved feeling crazy and very self-conscious. This is when is very important to validate and remind them that is a normal feeling for someone that is grieving. Reminding someone that grief is not linear and can feel very disorganized is very helpful. Since the bereaved has such a wide range of emotions important to keep checking in to see how they’re doing even if seems like they’ve been doing. This is also a very long process. It may take months for to really start coming out, it may take months for there to be any semblance of normalcy, but it’s never really gone.
I also learned how challenging it can be to answer simple questions like how are you doing. It can leave the person confused on how to respond, whether it’s a simple formality or real check-in, if it is a real check-in do they talk about how they’re doing in general or right now at this moment, and can I say too much, will freak this person out.
Another thing I think is really interesting is that grief is a type of trauma. This makes a lot of sense because any time someone would call my girlfriend unexpectedly she would feel worried that it was going to be news about another death. It seems like the essential too much to deal with too fast. I’d be curious to learn if and how trauma tools could be used for grief.
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Initial post-
I am a little bit late in the game here. I have enjoyed reading all the posts.Grief, this is such a hard topic. Initially when I think of grief, I think of a loss of a person or animal. The class really brought to light how grief is multi-dimensional, multi-sourced. It is loss of life, it is loss of activities, it is loss of physical body, it is loss of social connection, it is loss of…
The exercise of entering loss on the timeline was very insightful for me. It was seeing my life on a page, bringing attention to situations I had not consciously addressed. I feel it triggered some past losses that I may not have had fully addressed.My client had recently lost her husband of over 20 yrs. They were high school sweethearts and had a romance like out of a movie. They have 4 children. her husband got cancer and eventually died.
When addressing the loss, she was at a loss for words. When people ask her how she is doing, she doesn’t have an answer. She states she has not cried, she has not grieved… she didn’t know how. She stated she didn’t have time, she had 4 children to deal with. Life has taken over… work, kids, dogs, arrangements, events, etc.
I wanted to help, give advise, give a hug… do what ever I could….. But, I know there is nothing I could say or do to make her better. It was something that she needs to address… in her own time. As a coach, I could only hold space, a safe space for her.
I did find the simple statement of “How is your heart today” to be much more effective than “How are you doing”. I gave her a place to start, to feel and to express; even if the answer wasn’t clear.
As a follow up to the session and a check in with her. She stated she still has not fully grieved. She has learned to live without her spouse. She has learned to be a single parent. She has learned to get through birthdays, weddings, graduations, etc. But notes, he is never far from her heart.
She did eventually stop wearing her wedding ring, she stated, she didn’t feel married anymore. I felt this was a huge step towards healing… she was feeling something. She was feeling what she needed and the way she could.
Feelings and grieving are individual. Never a cookie cutter process. It is not a close and be done, move on. It is learning how to live with the loss. Knowing that you will be learning along the way and will continue to learn, grow and incorporate.
This is such a powerful topic. One people are so shy and resistant to address. They don’t know how to deal on their own, how do they help others. Space and support… that is how.
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Post summary.
I find this to be such an important topic. This session has really opened my eyes to all the forms of grief. To really understand that everyone goes through the grief process differently. To understand the importance of holding space and creating a safe container for the client.
It helps to understand people in general. Why are they in the mood they are in. Has there been a physical loss? Are they grieving due to being a new empty nester? Are they grieving because they just graduated college and that live has ended, a new one to begin? Loss of a relationship? Loss of a house/ possession…
It is weird what “little things” can trigger a grief response… sheesh, I still grieve the loss of an antique radio that we gave away… it was always in the garage when I was growing up, I played on it, pushing buttons and thinking about how life was when that was the only form of entertainment. It has been gone for over 20 years… I still miss it.
