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Brain One Discussion December 2017
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18 Replies
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This practice session was the day after the face to face ended, so many of the new tools were naturally fresh and right there.
As we moved into the session the majority of our time was spent discussing the issue, which had a lot of factors. The underlying theme was that the client wasn’t clear about a decision he needed to make. There were so many factors playing in – career, personal life, relationship, beliefs, old story.
Each time I ask what he wanted, I felt like we ran into a block. He didn’t know.
In the past I might have taken this on as my responsibility, tried to fix it, or create a story that I was failing as a coach because my client wasn’t becoming aware of what he wanted in the session. But NO! It was so clear – He’s in contemplation! He knows there’s an issue but he doesn’t know what he wants yet, and so he can’t yet see where he’s going or what he needs to do to get there. And that’s OK.
As I became aware of this, I knew to let go of getting anywhere except where we were – in the mystery of the want. Sinking into this, I began seeing an image of him planting a red pennant flag in a stack of rocks, saying “this is what I want”. I shared the image with him and he laughed and seemed to relax a bit in seeing that this was his next task.
If the session had been longer I might have suggested a wander or some sort of experience to perhaps get closer to the want, but instead I invited him to treat his life for the next few weeks as a wander, and to see what emerges as he continues to ask the question, “What do I want?”.
I can also see now how continuing to work with connecting with the want might be the issue for the next session, and there might be a new myth opportunity or a deeper need for getting in touch with “what I want”.
This was a big learning as I hadn’t yet come across a client who did not know what they want, and now as I reflect I realize that there are a lot of opportunities to work with this and meet them in the uncertainty – when was a time you knew what you wanted? what was that like? do you know anyone who knows what they want? what are some of the qualities they have?
Understanding the stages of change was immensely helpful to me in navigating this session and I am looking forward to continuing to get to know the different stages through future sessions.
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Megan, awesome post! So cool to see that you were able to see the stages of change so quickly in your clients process. What a relief that you were able to see that it’s OK to be in contemplation. I love the exercises you talked about that will give your client an opportunity to explore more deeply the stage he is in.
C’mon everyone! I wanna see more awesome posts like Megan’s!! 🙂
Happy Holidays!!!
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Megan, I love your questions of “when was a time you knew what you wanted? what was that like? do you know anyone who knows what they want? what are some of the qualities they have?” Perhaps if I’d employed these with my client at the outset, it would have helped her. I have experienced quite few clients who are not sure what they want to work on in a session. I’m wondering how to frame up a coaching session with an intro that might give my clients a bit more space to ponder it before I dive right in and ask them what they want. Sometimes I’ll ask “What inspired you to want to be coached?” Which seems a bit softer and expansive than “What would you like to work on today?” which I also sometimes ask. I’m wondering how others of you begin your sessions and how you handle it if clients don’t know. Also wondering if there would be a benefit to giving them some prep questions before a session. Has anyone tried that?
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Yay! So cool you were able to see the stage he was in. I need to be more aware of this as well. I is helpful to see what stage they are in, the the coach and the client. Helps reduce frustration and the spinning on the hamster wheel.
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Megan,
How great it was that you were able to dianosge where in the process your client was! In your words, ” It was so clear – He’s in contemplation! He knows there’s an issue but he doesn’t know what he wants yet, and so he can’t yet see where he’s going or what he needs to do to get there.” You go on to explain you normally would have taken on that as “failure” of sorts on your role as a coach, and I’m so glad you did not. I think it’s also important to let the client know that this is a normal part of the process, too. If a client can’t make a decision about something, they could internalize it and see it as a flaw when in fact by normalizing it with them, it might help them work through it. I see that the power in this post is now that you were clearly aware of what stage your client was in, now you can go to work on establishing the “want”. It sounds like that could take some time over several sessions. Thanks!
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Initial post
Brain function helps me better understand what’s happening for the client in the stages of Severance, Threshold and Incorporation, and how to feel more comfortable guiding through them. Until this module, I found myself feeling somewhat anxious as I strove to facilitate outcomes. Now, with an understanding of the stages of change, and an awareness of the client’s tendencies toward chaos or rigidity, I feel more comfortable in slowing down, guiding differently, depending on which stage the client is in.
I have felt quite inadequate in working with one of my practice clients because, after three sessions, it seems she is stuck in story and fixed beliefs that prevent her from even clarifying what she wants. Her issue involves being in an unsatisfying relationship, yet she can’t leave for fear of being alone. She wants “clarity” without making any changes. Until this module, I worried that I wasn’t helping her, even though she keeps coming back for more.
As soon as I read Prochaska’s Stages of Change, I felt a huge “aha” that she’s in pre-contemplation. Knowing this, I can relax and understand that it could take quite some time before she is ready for action since she is still resisting change, clinging to the bank of rigidity
Fear based thinking has been evident (“There are no other good men out there. If I leave I’ll be alone forever. I know he’ll leave me eventually for not committing, but I’m better off waiting for that than addressing our differences.) I couldn’t figure out questions that would help her see from a different perspective. Reflections were met with “This is how it is. There’s no way around it.”
Viewing her process using the metaphor of the river that we learned, helps me understand that, for her, clinging to rigidity feels safer than chaos, which I now understand is due to trauma, evidenced by her background. Knowing that chaos and rigidity impair integration and that widening the river of tolerance between the two helps them avoid getting stuck on either bank, allows me to see hope and possibility, even if takes some time for her to test the waters. Before this, I was feeling desperate to help her. Now, I can imagine ways to gently urge her to explore, rather than driving for a solution.
Remembering the acronym FACES (flexible, adaptable, coherent, energized and stable) will help me stay in the proper state with her while maintaining greater awareness of hers. It’s comforting for me to realize that “…complex systems have a natural drive toward integration” and my job is simply “…liberating the natural inclination of each individual to move toward well-being and health—to move toward integration.” (Pocket Guide 16-8) Knowing that integration is not a fixed state, eases my mind. As the author points out, it’s a verb not a noun and can be seen as a journey and not a destination. Until now, I was much too goal oriented with clients, wanting quick results. I see that this client is exactly what I need to test a new way of coaching. With her I’m experiencing that paths toward integration meander with forward and backward steps, especially when trauma is involved.
It’s helpful for me to keep in mind the two ways of processing: left and right brain functions. Also viewed, as Siegel points out, as top down (life filtered through past experiences) and bottom up (experiences perceived in a larger context). He describes that mindfulness practices and living creatively keep the top down function from dominating, yet this can be a life-long challenge for those who tend to feel like victims of outside circumstances. “We have a proclivity to observe and narrate, perhaps to gain a sense of control and certainty, instead of sensing and experiencing with a fresh and open mind. What we need to embrace is uncertainty. Learning to thrive with uncertainty is the root of creativity.”
During my next session with this client I may help her gain clarity using partswork exploration as a mini threshold experience within severance. I see the threshold as one way for clients to experience living creativity and open-mindedly as we guide them to explore without attachment to outcome. Intention opens doors to possibility without rigidity when framed as an “experiment.” Stepping across the threshold with a client can feel like chaos for both of us, but now I hold a deeper understanding of its value as a beneficial creative process. knowing that intention will organize the client’s experience (like Michael’s example of overhearing particular voices in a coffee shop) and, hopefully, provide her relief from the need for control.
Because this client tends toward rigidity and views life through the lens of traumatic memories, I also intend to experiment with mindfulness practices, testing Siegel’s hypothesis that doing so keeps the top down function from dominating. Knowing that Nature (natural process) supports integration and wholeness and even creates the pull toward it, I gain confidence in trusting the process and releasing my own need to be outcome driven while coaching her.
I intend to prescribe “Vitamin G” since we work via Zoom. Nature alone offers a myriad of healing benefits. When combined with mindful awareness (instruction to notice details for example) the positive effects are compounded. To quote Your Brain on Nature “We might consider mindful exercise in greenspace as vitamin G triple strength” (pg. 226)
Since time in Nature shifts our brain through entrainment, triggering an alpha state, this can lead to greater inner awareness, toward harmony and integration, more readily than through coaching without Nature’s participation. I want Nature to become an integral part of all the coaching that I do and this module opened my eyes to even more reasons why.
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Elizabeth, I’m so intrigued by what you remember most from the module compared with my own big takeaways. I love reading through your recap of the river, which totally escaped me in the module, but here listening/reading your words I feel a visceral sense of an actual roaring river and a woman clinging to the banks. I have been working with a metaphor recently of ‘surrendering into the river of my heart’ and this idea reminds me of that. It sounds very romantic to me, to surrender into the river, but my experience has shown me it can be quite terrifying…. never know when you’re gonna hit rapids, or drop off a hundred foot waterfall, or… who knows what. I really appreciate what you are saying about the shift you experienced since the module, and the new way you are working with your client who is clinging to the river bank. I hear compassion and patience in your new approach, something I’m going to set my sights on integrating into my coaching presence. Thank you for sharing!
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Hi Elizabeth,
I enjoyed hearing about your growth as a coach! You seem to have an awareness of the line between coaching and therapy, as you described your experience “Before this, I was feeling desperate to help her. Now, I can imagine ways to gently urge her to explore, rather than driving for a solution.” How awesome!
I myself tend to want to “fix” things, but am also learning that it takes patience to just let the client “connect the dots” for themselves. As I mentioned in my own post, I struggle with a client because I can “see” something yet my client does not “see” it in their own eyes. I’m still learning how I can keep nudging this observation and keep putting it in front of them, but have realized it will take time for it to “click”. It won’t be powerful until the client sees it for themself, and the time it takes to get there is OK.
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Hi Elizabeth,
I really appreciated your reflection on Brain 1, where you are with your client, and your growth as a coach. I hear you knowing your client and yourself better and how you will engage both in a different manner as you move forward. I get a sense of a deepened perspective (for yours and her process), trust, and newfound opportunities to be creative in the moment. It feels really expansive. Imagine how this expansive, creative space you bring will be a continued resource for your client. Your playful confidence partnered with Nature could really be modeling for her to journey into discovering her truth, as you hold space for her to move away from the edge, into the flow of her possibility.Did Katie do the “pleasure walk” exercise with you all on the last days of the Trauma module? This ties into your thoughts for creativity, hanging out with a client in pre-contemplation (or like Megan’s in contemplation). In the pleasure walk, it’s a creative exercise to get a client to focus on what is pleasing, what they like in the environment. Another coach I know has framed it like, “what is perfect about this situation?”. I just thought it might be fun to, when you know it’s appropriate, to have a client be in touch with what they like/enjoy/ or what is working well…..as a way to lean into what they know about themselves or what they want. There could be some strong, somatic information to be found in what feels good and the desire to have more of it in one’s life. An idea that just came up….
Warmly,
Ivy-
Hi Ivy. I thought I responded to this when I first saw it, but I see that I haven’t. Thanks for the fabulous reminder about helping clients focus on what’s positive and what’s working. I do that to some degree, but since reading your post I’ve been even more aware of it. I also love the idea of bringing somatic awareness into it at the same time. Connecting the mind and body in the creation of new circuits will amplify the effect! Since my practice clients are long distance, I’ve been pondering how to bring in Nature connection more. They might enjoy taking pleasure walks in Nature on their own!
As always, thanks for your insight and support!
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I apologize for the late entry. I want to share a few experiences I have had since the December Face to Face.
A few weeks ago, my step daughter had a few friends over, 4 girls and 4 boys. It was FREEZING cold outside. Although I told the kids it was too cold to walk to the park, they collective grabbed their coats and headed for the park. Of course, they were not dressed appropriately for the weather.
20 minutes later, they returned, complaining about how cold it was outside, I shook my head and thought, “I told you so”. Anyway, a few minutes later, I heard my step-daughter calling for me, noting her friend was acting really weird and could not breathe. I rushed down the hallway, to find one of her girl friends having a full panic/ anxiety attack. She was gasping for air and trembling. I grabbed her hands and made eye contact with her (instructed others to leave). We sat on the floor and worked on her breathing, slowing her breaths, taking deep breaths. I then had her look at something in the room and describe it to me. She did this while we continued to work on grounding and breathing. We repeated the “describe something” a few times. Within a short period of time, she was back to a fairly normal state of mind. She stated she felt better. I got her bundled up, had a friend come sit with her while I went to make a fire and some hot cocoa.
While I was in the sunroom, getting the fire started, I noticed another one of the girls laying on the daybed under a bunch of blankets. I asked her what was going on. She said she didn’t feel inside her body, and that she felt very strange. I started to apply the techniques learned again. We worked on breathing, grounding and having her focus on an object in the room and describe what she was seeing. She was very scared and concerned. After a short while, she was feeling a little bit better, enough to get up and walk into another room. In the room, I had her practice the “this is my___________, this is my ___________” tapping and rubbing that area of the body. She eventually started to reconnect with her body and felt much better.
It was a very scary situation and I am very appreciative of the skills and knowledge I had to address what was going on. I think I prevented a few trips to the emergency room. A few of the kids said their parents would have called the ambulance.
Of note, all of the kids got the parent lecture form me about dressing appropriately and eating / drinking appropriately. The girls are pencil thin and didn’t eat, have a history of anxiety and on top of going outside without hats, mittens, etc.Another situation I applied the skills to was when I was at work. I was working in urgent care on a weekend, and a patient called in having high anxiety/ panic attacks. He wanted to speak with the Mental Health provider on call. The patient was connected with the provider. The doctor called me back and wanted the patient to be seen in the clinic for physical signs of distress due to his anxiety… shortness of breath, sweating, chest discomfort, etc. I called the patient back, who said, the doctor didn’t really help him. He didn’t give him any exercises to do to help calm him down, only told him to take his “pill”. The patient was clearly in high anxiety and was struggling. I took some time with the patient, had him get settled in the sofa, in a comfortable position and take a few deep breathes. I had him take the breaths all they way down past his feet into the floor. I was trying to help ground him. Once he was a more grounded, I had him focus on items in the room and describe them to me, which he did. We repeated the process a few times. The patient was very appreciative and was feeling much better. Hi s mother was with him, who was going to sit with him and they would both continue to look at things in the room and describe them to one another. The patient actually enjoyed the process. Not only was he feeling better, but he was seeing things in the room in a whole new way.
After all the episodes I dealt with, I kept hearing Michael say “This shit really works!”. I think those were the words from a friend of his.
I think these are very valuable tools!!! Anxiety in society is increasing at very fast rates, we need to be able to jump in when we can and help when we can and ultimately, get medical attention if and when needed. -
Summary Post
This Brain 1 module changed everything for me. It provides an aerial view of what is happening for the client. Before, I felt like I was on the ground tracking the stages of the process. Now, the higher view allows me to be more present with the client and I experience a deeper, more heart-centered connection when I coach. It’s as if learning about the brain frees me from it.
Now, I can relax more and enjoy the compassion I feel for whatever stage or place they are in, knowing that nothing is wrong and nothing needs to be fixed. I’ve been able to let go of any agenda and the fear that I have to “do” something to ensure a positive outcome. Now, I’m better at checking in with the clients, allowing them to decide if we’re on track or not.
With the practice clients I have, I see their tendencies to keep circling back to negative memories and past traumas to inform their present situation. I love Ivy’s share about the pleasure walk and asking clients what is working and what feels good. It’s a great reminder to keep coming back to this, or even as a way to start a session. This helps them wire new neuropathways. Rob’s analogy of the Grand Canyon has been helpful in explaining this to clients when they wonder if change is possible. Reminding them of other situations when they could has also helped.
What I love about this work is how it teaches me to be more fully present, not only with clients but also in my daily life. I just finished an online program with Eckhart Tolle called “Practicing Presence” designed for coaches and healers. He shares that when we are fully present ourselves, this allows the healing/answers/insights to come through, from a higher place. I have noticed this to be true. I no longer feel compelled to “do” something if a client appears to be stuck. Now I know that this is just what is true in the moment. With the belief that they are whole and fully capable, I can just “be” in a state of loving presence. From there, my next question for them arises, seemingly intuitively, rather than me having to search for it, or reference my fall back questions. Today, I more fully understand Ryan’s sage advice that going slower is actually faster.
Of course continued study will always be valuable and as I reread Jenny Rogers’ book, it feels like the coaching skills will start to seep into my bones, eventually simply emerging as needed. (Can’t wait for that!) I love that there is so much to learn and that my own personal growth is never ending.
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SUMMARY POST
I’ve worked with the same practice client once more in person as well as been in communication with him via email since my initial post. He just shared with me a wonderful affirmation that I really helped him by bringing his awareness to the issue of “I don’t know what I want.” After our session he brought his focus to that and realized he does know what he wants, he was just afraid to admit what he wants for fear he might not ever receive it. Since then he has received exactly what he wanted… from my perspective it was almost like all he needed to do was admit it, and there it was waiting for him. I feel very grateful to be witness to this sort of beauty.
He has also shifted big time from seemingly having no direction to suddenly wanting a timeline and to know how quickly we can get through the process of launching his business. This is pretty amazing to me as well. The energy of working with a client who is in the planning and action phase is SO different from pre-contemplation and contemplation. I notice that I need to shift my energy to meet him where he is. The presence I had when he was in contemplation doesn’t feel appropriate for the planning phase. I have this sense of needing to sit up straighter and be more alert. The pace is faster. Where as in contemplation I was super relaxed into a slower state of deep listening and reflecting, now I am more in a more dynamic mode of guiding.
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Summary Post on Change – Brad
I have to begin this reflection on change with a Mezirow quote about learning – all learning begins with a disorienting dilemma. It’s seems to me as I ponder our reading and our experiences that disorientation and conundrum are more the rule than the exception. In fact, sitting with the conundrum, recognizing it for what it is seems really ok – because it can be ok if it’s what is most true in that moment. Megan talked about her growth out of fix-it-ism. I think this is huge! In fact, al-anon has taught me that the opposite addiction of alcoholism is fixitism. It’s precisely because we are caring individuals that we want to fix people immediately. But I like Elizabeth’s reflection here that natural flow moves toward oneness and wholeness. Growth happens as a result of working in sync with the environment.
Carrie’s direct experience with anxiety is very relevant in working with change. If I’m consumed with physical anxiety, I can’t possibly move toward change. In fact, I may quite literally not be able to move at all. The skills that she used to bring the young women back into their own bodies and current awareness are useful in change. Seems to me that embodiment is fundamental to awareness of what is current state in order to make progress toward a desired future state.
This is where I love the simplicity of Megan coming back to that wonderfully defining question, “what do you want”. Can we just sit with that, reflect on that, restate that, get really familiar with the want. Change requires contemplation, this is where I tend to rush things, trying to get to threshold way to soon. Only to come back around for lack of clarity like Elizabeth discovered with her client stuck in her story for whatever reason. I’m guessing that contemplation needs a lot of attention. What is fleshed out here can be the fuel for planning and action stages.
Again, I come back to the positive of what’s working as Ivy suggested. What’S perfect in this moment? What’s working well? In fact, I agree with some of you that perhaps highlighting the things that are working well for someone can resource change. So, let’s be here now, see what is and what work might we be ready to do. And remember, the person across from us has all the inner resources needed to support the life that is unfolding in them.
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Initial Post on Brain/Change. – Brad
Since December’s meeting, I’ve been through major changes personally and in my family, including a major move and beginning a new job. Additionally, I’ve been taking a class for individuals with mentally ill loved ones, attending a new men’s group devoted to a contemplative life and going to al-anon meetings for the first time. I’m Immersed both in education about and the experience of the mind/brain relationship and change. Everything in my life right now points back to this poem by David Whyte:
Enough. These few words are enough.
If not these words, this breath.
If not this breath, this sitting here.
This opening to the life
We have refused again and again
Until now
UNTIL NOW.While there is some gratification in understanding the physiology of mental processes and their interplay with emotion and senses, it mostly overwhelms me. And the realization that neural pathways created early in our life are the size of the Grand Canyon depresses me. But I am bolstered by some things that we also are learning to be true:
We can experience this present moment.
The natural world is our ally.
All things, including us, are moving toward wholeness.
Empathy and reflection are powerful tools.
Connectedness is our natural state.
We can learn to work with these powerful forces.
We can trust soul.
There is power in community.
Mindfulness is prerequisite.
In truth – all is well. -
Intial Post
What steps did you take to establish the Coaching Relationship and focus the session?
The steps I took to establish the Coaching Relationship is a bit different in my situation as I see my practice clients everyday at my office. However, I do set aside a recurring meeting time to allow our coaching session to occur. During our session I intend to keep it a higher level coaching conversation, but it always seems to drift back into talking about work “stuff”. This might be problems, updates, staff concerns, etc. This would frustrate me at first but I’ve learned it’s inevitable In a work setting. What I plan to do is go with that and ask more questions like “How has that been working?” or “What help do you need doing that?” or “How else could we do this?”. I think deeper questions about the surface level “stuff” will get us into a deeper conversation about how things are really going.
How did or could change theory and neuroscience principles fit into your nature-connected coaching session?
Change theory can help me bring awareness to what stage in the process a client is in so that not only I know, but I can share with the client too. In my coaching, I have a practice client that has difficultly communicating with others. This individual can be very difficult to work with, and sometimes vendors reach out to others in our office and intentionally go around him. As his coach and boss I have seen this issue and brought it to his attention. Now that I know change theory, I can see that he is in Precontemplation stage. As described in Changing for Good, “They lack information about their problem, and they intend to maintain ignorant bliss at all costs.” I see it as my role as a coach to bring attention to this issue so he may become aware of it and the impacts it has. It may take time before he is ready to move to the next stage, which is Contemplation to begin working on it. I’m in a unique position because from a coach’s point of view, this client may not be ready to work on this issue yet. However as a boss, I see the issue and feel it needs to be worked on, so I will bring the issue to light probably before he is ready to address it. I believe it is my role to bring it to light and to help move him through the stages so we can work on it.
As for neuroscience principles, it really is true that we are conducting “brain surgery”. In order for change to occur, the brain must physically change. I really liked the saying “neurons that fire together wire together”. This reminds me of a book called “The Slight Edge” where the concept is small actions taken consistently over a period of time add up to large results. This is the same in neuroplasticity as it takes action consistently over a period of time for neurons to wire together. We learned that the brain is always trying to change towards optimal potential, so the brain is going to change regardless, so we want to be sure it is changing in the manner we desire it to change. If we have negative habits, issues, etc the brain will change in that regard and it may not benefit us. The Slight Edges speaks to this as well because the small actions can be positive or negative and the result will be largely positive or largely negative, and it’s our choice. A positive example would be doing pushups every morning, and after a period of time you will see increased strength. A negative example would be eating a donut every morning, and after a period of time you will probably see your weight increase. Each action is small, but will add up over time. So with neuroplasticity, we want to be sure we are changing our brain in a beneficial way.
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Brain/Change 1
7/31/18
Summary PostIn summary, I’m learning that I can only move at the “speed of change”, and the kicker is that speed is different for everybody. In my original post I mentioned some frustration because I felt some struggle in trying to bring awareness to someone because I was trying to force some change in behavior. What I’ve learned in reading these posts is that until the client moves through the stages of change on their own, there won’t be any “change”. So, as a result it is my job as a coach to help bring these blinds spots into light for my client, but until they move into a contemplation stage and recognize that change is needed, no real progress will be made. While this might be hard to swallow, I accept that is is OK. I like the quote from Changing for Good, so I’ll use it again – “They lack information about their problem, and they intend to maintain ignorant bliss at all costs.” I see now it is not my role to “force” change, but help them move through the process of change at whatever speed is desired. And additionally, I accept that a client may not fully move through the process and change may not occur at all. That’s OK too.
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Summary post-
I use this/ these techniques ALL THE TIME! Anxiety is running wild in society today, everyone seems to be having anxiety/ panic attacks/ depression/ etc. While talking with friends or family, or, working in the clinic, I find myself naturally slipping in to mode and helping people get outside of their inner struggles and focusing, even for a moment, outside of themselves. Guiding them through some breathing techniques and getting them to focus and describe what they are seeing. Engaging all the senses, sight, smell, hearing, etc. It is like a reset button. Such simple and effective tools. I absolutely love this stuff!!!