Gestalt Discussion September 2020

[Leslie Wier]

I currently do not have a practice client that would be easy to practice Gestalt principles with (but working on it!), so I’m going to be writing based off of a hypothetical situation crafted around some common challenges/needs I see a lot in my current work as a health coach. Based on what we have learned, I view the application of Gestalt principles from two perspectives, how it applies to the coach and how it applies to the client.

Background: Many people I work with need help with healthy and sustainable weight loss or the prevention, reversal, or management of chronic illness. This requires lifestyle changes that can include but isn’t limited to establishing a healthy diet, exercise habits, better sleep hygiene, and stress management. Often times, it also involves the shift from a fixed to a growth mindset, establishing a sustainable source of motivation (internal, intrinsic, approach focused motivation), a shift in self-talk, self-efficacy, and self-compassion.

As it applies to the coach, I see Gestalt principles having a significant bearing on coaching presence and approach. In any coaching relationship, coaching presence is of paramount importance and this is evidenced by the ICF competencies. Maintaining presence is a cluster of competencies that is explicitly stated by the ICF in it’s updated 2019 Core Competencies. If Gestalt therapy is primarily a means towards establishing awareness, and being aware of awareness, then it is a perfect vehicle for enabling a coach to remain focused and respond, to manage emotions and work with strong client emotions, and to be comfortable with working in a space of not knowing. It’s this last point in particular that stands out to me and I recall the idea of “The Eternal Now”, which came up in our intensive. The awareness that Gestalt brings allows us to be aware of how we are feeling as a coach, and in particular when we are feeling emotionally aroused. Gestalt, and the idea of allowing ourselves to simply be present and aware of what we are feeling in the moment, allows us to sit in that space and the unknown. This is particularly helpful for me as a coach. One of my tendencies when I am not fully present is that I want to “fix” things. I am a problem solver. When I am faced with the unknown, I want to figure it out! However, that is not my role. When I allow myself to be in the Eternal Now as a coach, I suspend that need to fix, that tendency to constantly be looking toward what comes next. The longer I stay in the eternal now, the more I am able to create space for silence, pause, and reflection. Thus, the more opportunity there is for curiosity and co-creation. There is a quote from Gestalt Therapy: An Introduction, that feels particularly relevant here. “When the therapist believes that the past causes the present and that patients are controlled by unconscious motivation not readily available to them, they are encouraged to rely on the therapist’s interpretations rather than their own autonomy.” As a coach, if I am unable to sit in the present and the unknown, I rob the client of their autonomy. It is not always necessarily my job to dig into the ‘why’ and ‘how’ of things as it’s led the client to this point. It’s not my job to figure out or fix things.

As it applies to the client, for the majority of the people I work with every single one of the lifestyle or mindset changes they make begins with the need to develop awareness of what their current habits are, as well as awareness around what they envision their lifestyle to look like with the changes that will best support their health. I see Gestalt being of particular relevance as it helps a client to become more aware of their own internal wilderness and nature. A lot of the clients I work with have a tendency to be very caught up in that past or the future – who they were when they were healthier or looked different, or how they desperately want to be. It keeps them from being aware in the present, and keeps them from awareness in the grand scheme of change. I see Gestalt principles being particularly useful in helping a client to understand the importance of ‘awareness’, and ‘awareness of awareness’, as habits in and of themselves. I envision particular relevance in using it in the situations in which a mindset shift is clearly needed, e.g. developing awareness in the present of core beliefs, self-talk, and motivational drivers, and I’d like to explore this in the context of an nature setting as the external wilderness can be such a great mirror and way of developing awareness of our internal wilderness.

[Gina Lobito]

While I have not practicing the Gestalt principle with a client, I have been able to practice them during a Community Meetings which I host through work. I currently am assigned to Crime Prevention Unit. Part of my duties is Community Outreach which involves fostering relationships between the community and police department and education. Holding these meetings can come with innate challenges of addressing the perceptions and expectations the public has for law enforcement. Often times, part of these meetings is education the public. Often times what they believe to be true is not based on fact or what is. Often times it’s mis-information or what perception of what Law Enforcement is or is not.

While conducting these meetings, I found it has been extremely helpful to put the Main two Gestalt Principles into practice: (1) Awareness of myself and the person(s); and Applying Long Pause.

The Awareness piece as come in very handy as I can practice as I recognize and Introjection, Projection; Deflection; and Retroflection may be occurring from a citizen or even myself. Being in a public service, I experience Deflection the most from the public. Wanting an external factor, in this case the police, to fix their problems, but not willing to understand what the role of law enforcement is. There some issues, such as homeless and transient, that requires certain things to be in place, such as housing, before Law Enforcement can admonish a person from public areas. There are many logistics involved which gives the perception that Law Enforcement is “not doing anything.” When I hear blanket statements such as this, it’s challenging not to take it personal. Putting into practice Awareness of myself as well as, in this case a citizen, is extremely helpful to me. In conjunction with a pause before responding, it’s an opportunity to listen, reflect back to the citizen their concern, then answer the question and educate and empower them about the process.

Where I get to practice awareness, deep listening, and build on a maintaining a strong presence throughout the length of these meetings, which often times run about 1 1/2 hours, I can see this is supporting me when I put these skills into practice during a coach session. The difference, would be to bring awareness to the client and create the dynamic and experiential component that Gestalt offers so beautifully. Instead of answer questions and giving answers as I would for a community meeting; with a client I would asking powerful questions and allowing (with the pause) the inner awareness and unfolding of the self to occur. As in these community meetings, wrapping up the end of the meetings, which often times leads to the agenda for the next meeting, I can apply this in a coaching session with a client, giving space for the client to close out the session together and live room for their agenda and potential contract until we meet in the follow up session.

Also, I found using the Gestalt principles is supporting me in moving within the stages of ceremony with more ease, and less inclination to control what happens, and just allow it to flow, and hold the space within the parameters and agreement set forth prior to the session commencing. This holds true, for the community meetings as well.

[Gina Lobito]

@ Leslie,

“When I allow myself to be in the Eternal Now as a coach, I suspend that need to fix, that tendency to constantly be looking toward what comes next. The longer I stay in the eternal now, the more I am able to create space for silence, pause, and reflection. Thus, the more opportunity there is for curiosity and co-creation.”

I love this realization you shared, I too can resonate with the wanting to “fix” and look for “what’s next” thank you for recognizing the power of staying in the “eternal now” and everything else mentioned in the above exert from your post. The opportunity for co-creation is a beautiful process and feeling to be a part of, witness, and observer of the self and with another. As you are gaining more practice in the space of the “eternal now” how have you felt yourself change?

Gina

[Sarah Hope]

@Gina, I think you just named one of the biggest gifts of Gestalt for me here. I was previously unable to put a name to it- but I do often struggle with attachment to outcome in the ceremony process. I think you are right that Gestalt can help the experience become a shared one- and it can unfold more naturally in that context. Thank you for naming this. I’ve had more ease in coaching since the gestalt session.

[Deanna]

@lesliewier
“As a coach, if I am unable to sit in the present and the unknown, I rob the client of their autonomy.” Spot on. Thank you for reiterating this piece of insight. I also find sitting in the unknown really challenging as a coach. I often forget that it’s not our job to “figure out or fix things”, even if my client perceives my role to be that way. I believe that the part of us that wants to “fix” is coming from good intentions, but often forgets that clients are whole and have their own answers. Do you have any tools for dealing with the desire to “fix” when you are in a session with a client?

@gmlobito1
I am inspired in reading how you have applied our Gestalt training to your meetings in the police department. I imagine that people are highly triggered in those meetings, and I imagine being a facilitator can be really challenging, especially in staying grounded, aware, and present. It sounds like a great (and challenging) opportunity to practice Gestalt. I am now curious and inspired to apply Gestalt in other parts of my daily life, outside of a coaching context.

[Deanna]

@lesliewier
“As a coach, if I am unable to sit in the present and the unknown, I rob the client of their autonomy.” Spot on. Thank you for reiterating this piece of insight. I also find sitting in the unknown really challenging as a coach. I often forget that it’s not our job to “figure out or fix things”, even if my client perceives my role to be that way. I believe that the part of us that wants to “fix” is coming from good intentions, but often forgets that clients are whole and have their own answers. Do you have any tools for dealing with the desire to “fix” when you are in a session with a client?

@gmlobito1
I am inspired in reading how you have applied our Gestalt training to your meetings in the police department. I imagine that people are highly triggered in those meetings, and I imagine being a facilitator can be really challenging, especially in staying grounded, aware, and present. It sounds like a great (and challenging) opportunity to practice Gestalt. I am now curious and inspired to apply Gestalt in other parts of my daily life, outside of a coaching context.

[Sarah Hope]

It’s wonderful to see that gestalt is being applied in other places, outside of coaching. It is such a healing practice. I wonder what would happen if this became the norm in more workplaces and organizations. This idea really inspires me

[Leslie Wier]

@gmlobito1 you are in such a challenging work space, especially during these trying times when the public opinion of the police is often not very high. I feel the skills in awareness you’re practicing from a Gestalt perspective are exactly what is needed from anyone working in public service and law enforcement. You are a great model for your colleagues! As @deanna.falge mentioned, these skills are not just beneficial in coaching, but in our greater personal lives as well and can really lend to better communication and relationships with those around us. Much of what is happening in our socio-political climate today is a result of people reacting to their feelings rather than responding to them. Gestalt principles are needed in everything we do!

@gmlobito1 I’m curious, how has your focus on awareness impacted your interactions with the citizens you meet with? What changes or differences do you see in those interactions, if any?

You both ask such great questions. @gmlobito1 regarding your question, “As you are gaining more practice in the space of the “eternal now” how have you felt yourself change?” –

I’ve been practicing this quite a bit more since starting this module and starting The Untethered Soul, and I find that a couple of things are happening. First, just the concept of the ‘eternal now’ has made it so much easier to recognize when I’m stuck in my head and notice the need to pull myself out of it. I’ve been trying to figure this out for many years and I feel like the lightbulb just kind of turned on reading The Untethered Soul. It just makes sense to me. I find that I’m living less in the past and in the future, and am more focused on the present – not just how it feels or what is here, but it’s easier to assess what I’m able to realistically do every day without worrying about all of my *shoulds* based on the future.

@deanna.falge regarding your question, “Do you have any tools for dealing with the desire to “fix” when you are in a session with a client?”

Mostly I just need to be aware. When I’m aware of it, I can usually avoid it. “Fixing” is my auto-pilot habit, so it’s naturally going to happen. I just have to keep bringing myself back to the idea that it’s not my job to figure things out for the client. Also, sometimes if I see an idea or a ‘potential solution’, I’ll ask permission from the client to share it and I’ll frame it not as a recommendation or a suggestion but rather a potential experiment or something to try to see if it could work for them. This helps to preserve their autonomy by giving them the opportunity to say “no” to both me sharing, and “no” to trying out the idea.

I really just need a poster on my wall that says “Be in the eternal now” hahahaha.

[Deanna]

I am still processing the Gestalt material, so I don’t feel that I have fully applied the Gestalt “cycle of experience” in my coaching sessions yet. However, I have noticed that Gestalt has influenced my coaching and daily life in several ways. First, I have become more aware of contact boundary disturbances in my clients, myself as a coach, myself in daily life, and people outside of coaching sessions. Second, I have been questioning and exploring my “emotional involvement” vs. “emotional engagement” with clients and overall relationships in my life. Lastly, I feel that my awareness and practice of Gestalt theory has made some small, though significant, changes in my sessions with my 15-year old client.

My 15-year old client has been a challenging client for me over the last 5-months that I have worked with her. I sometimes find myself getting emotionally involved (instead of “engaged”), and basically losing myself in her world and triggers. I have struggled with finding the balance between being involved vs. uninvolved/distant. I logically understand the answer-emotional engagement-but putting this into practice has not been easy. However, last week I noticed a significant shift in our time together. I utilized Gestalt theory by pointing out moments of contact boundary disturbance. I did this as a friend would do- gently, lovingly, and authentically. She responded well. I felt our connection deepen, and I felt more relaxed and comfortable with her. Also, by relaxing into the session, I felt myself being more engaged in her world, but not taking it on as my own. At the end of our session, I felt a difference in my body- I didn’t feel so drained and exhausted. I felt good, connected, and grateful to be spending time with her. She said goodbye with a genuine smile, which I haven’t seen from her before. I feel our trust deepen for one another, and I look forward to more sessions together.

Since our intensive, I have been exploring how to be “emotionally engaged” vs. involved with clients as well as with friends and family in my life. I think a part of being “engaged” involves a return back to myself. I lose myself when I get deeply involved or deeply distant. In being present to myself, and tending to myself, I may be able to be more engaged with my clients and relationships in a healthy manner. I am working on an introject that says “I must give myself up for others, or else I am selfish”. I am curious if anyone else has dealt with a similar introject, and their tools for dealing with it in a coaching context.

[Gina Lobito]

@Leslie,

“I’m curious, how has your focus on awareness impacted your interactions with the citizens you meet with? What changes or differences do you see in those interactions, if any?”

My focus on awareness supports me staying more present and more neutral. It also as supporting me to recognize when someone may have their own agenda, which has the potential to detract from the purpose and goals of the meeting (building community and education toward common goal). I find myself recognize when I might have the potential to lead from an emotional state while hearing criticism, then I can take a breath and return to center I can either address the person by finding the words to acknowledge and state, something, like thank you for the insight, that’s not the purpose of todays discussion. We can discuss your concern off line.

I also am finding the willingness of the citizens to engage more, by allowing the space to hear them, and also allow the meetings to evolve based on their questions and interactions. I am seeing changes. I recently, in a small interaction with a potential block captain, brought new awareness to her own prejudice she had of police and law enforcement. This potential for expanded perception and understanding of first responders, particularly law enforcement, especially in todays climate, excites me that change is very possible from from public perception as well as from law enforcement perspective. I am reminded of a pendulum, and it swings based on the emotions, and beliefs of society and the past that lives within people.

[Sarah Hope]

@deanna I love that you named the introject about giving up yourself for your client otherwise you are selfish. This is a big one for me and I can often remember my mother using the word selfish against my or others so that I internalized that having self- and personal needs is wrong. Earlier in my practice I would find myself almost enmeshed with my clients lives and issues at least during the session. I might have even sent a follow up text like. “How are you doing with….” but this put a lot on me and I might carry them, mentally, outside the session. I’ve developed better boundaries over time but Gestalt has really helped me put more faith into the strength of the session and it becomes easier to stay present in the session and also not tuck in it when it ends.

[Gina Lobito]

@deana,

“emotional involvement” vs. “emotional engagement” I love this awareness. when getting emotionally involved in someones ‘story’ or life it can interfere has the potential for an adverse experience. It leads me to think about when I have found myself coming from a a place of emotional involvement rather than Engagement. I feel can set one up to be in a “fix it” mode as you described you are working with. I too share in working on that and moving away from “fix it”. I find engaging from a place when I have become emotionally involved, whether it’s coaching or in day to day life, it leaves the potential for an adverse experience and taking on the responsibility of others and ultimately then I can become someone to be blamed for their choices and outcomes in their life.

With coaching, I find emotional involvement can interfere with maintaining the ICF Core competencies and being successful in coaching presence, a co-creating space, possibly ethical issues can arise. I found when I observe myself becoming “emotional involved” I then become attached to the outcome, no longer neutral. Leave the potential for confluence to occur.

Recognizing when I come from a place of “emotional engagement” and can maintain self awareness, coaching presence, deeper listening and still express empathy and showing up fully for the client.

In any event, this awareness to “emotional involvement” vs emotional engagement” has brought up a lot for me to think about and recognize in my day to day and coaching. Thank you for bringing this topic up.

It also makes me think about Leslie’s response of practicing being in the eternal now, and how she expressed experiencing less stress by living in the now. I imagine “emotional engagement” and practicing being in the enter now would compliment sustaining stronger good coaching presence during a session.

[Deanna]

@gmlobito1
Hey Gina, thanks for your response. I agree with the implications of being emotionally “involved” vs. engaged. I also agree that emotional engagement and being in the “eternal now” are complimentary, and for me go hand-in-hand. I find that I can choose “emotional engagement” by choosing to be relaxed in the eternal now and unknown, and consistently reminding myself that my client is whole and has all their own answers within (not me). I definitely feel challenged in feeling this way with teens! I’m curious what part or parts of us feel that they want to be emotionally involved and “fix” everything for our clients.

[Gina Lobito]

@deanna. I recently had this pattern of wanting to make things easy for others brought to my awareness. I feel at this point, recognize there is a part of me likes when there is ease and simplicity, but also values when I am in service and celebrate when others transform their life. As I am writing this, doing for or “fixing” for others, feels more about myself wanting to thanked and acknowledge, kind of like hey, “look what I did for you” There is a subtle expectation of acknowledgement and sharing part of someones success. Ummm.That’s sounds a bit self centered and egoic…I feel there is also a part of me that just wants the client to “get it” and “wake up.” I had not realized that before, operating this way is so subtle and subconcious even. Um.. I am going to let this question unfold for me some more…I know there is something deeper here for me to draw wisdom from.

I stay in a place of “emotional engaged” and in the eternal now, I keep myself in a neutral state of being, allowing the client to do their thing,

Thank you for this question Deanna. 🙂

[Leslie Wier]

@Deana you talk about losing yourself in the world and triggers of your 15 year old client and how you’ve been becoming more aware so that you can create that “I am I” and “You are You” barrier. This is something that I have noticed is a sort of rite of passage with every new coach I have worked with. You definitely are not alone! I wonder if our mirror neurons, as the basis for empathy, have a role to play in this happening. We are wired for empathy, so it can be easy to feel what the client is feeling just like yawning when someone else yawns. Interrupting that tendency is a skill in and of itself for people who are naturally more empathetic based on genes and upbringing, just like nurturing empathy is developing a skill in those who don’t normally exercise that part of their biology.

Overall reading our posts here, I’m seeing Awareness as a journey and a habitual practice in and of itself. It’s like an onion with so many layers that are peeled back over time!

[Leslie Wier]

@Deana you talk about losing yourself in the world and triggers of your 15 year old client and how you’ve been becoming more aware so that you can create that “I am I” and “You are You” barrier. This is something that I have noticed is a sort of rite of passage with every new coach I have worked with. You definitely are not alone! I wonder if our mirror neurons, as the basis for empathy, have a role to play in this happening. We are wired for empathy, so it can be easy to feel what the client is feeling just like yawning when someone else yawns. Interrupting that tendency is a skill in and of itself for people who are naturally more empathetic based on genes and upbringing, just like nurturing empathy is developing a skill in those who don’t normally exercise that part of their biology.

Overall reading our posts here, I’m seeing Awareness as a journey and a habitual practice in and of itself. It’s like an onion with so many layers that are peeled back over time!

[Leslie Wier]

@Deana you talk about losing yourself in the world and triggers of your 15 year old client and how you’ve been becoming more aware so that you can create that “I am I” and “You are You” barrier. This is something that I have noticed is a sort of rite of passage with every new coach I have worked with. You definitely are not alone! I wonder if our mirror neurons, as the basis for empathy, have a role to play in this happening. We are wired for empathy, so it can be easy to feel what the client is feeling just like yawning when someone else yawns. Interrupting that tendency is a skill in and of itself for people who are naturally more empathetic based on genes and upbringing, just like nurturing empathy is developing a skill in those who don’t normally exercise that part of their biology.

Overall reading our posts here, I’m seeing Awareness as a journey and a habitual practice in and of itself. It’s like an onion with so many layers that are peeled back over time!

(Side note, has anyone else been having problems with their posts going through when you press ‘submit’? I can’t count how many times I’ve had to submit for it to finally post it seems)

[Deanna]

@lesliewier
Wow, thanks for saying how the “I am I” barrier is like a “rite of passage” for new coaches. I feel like my experience is much more normal after hearing that, and I am also excited to notice that I am stepping into a new way of being as a coach. In just becoming aware of my natural tendency to mirror and empathize too much with clients, I have noticed a big shift in my coaching presence over the past week. Mandy told me the other day that when we become Aware, our brains/bodies naturally shift to resolve the issue. Simple awareness is key, and yes, definitely an onion!

Also, yes, I’ve been having the same issue with posting things. I’ve only encountered that in this particular forum.