Gestalt September 2018

[Lauren Lucek]

Initial Gestalt Post:

This was my first official session with my practice client Nicole M. She initially came to me about two months ago when she heard that I was doing this training. She is a 32 year old single woman, mortgage broker, and moved to San Diego 9 months ago. Issues that she had said she wanted to work on were, identifying her self-worth at her job and finding a company that would pay her appropriately for her experience, dedication and sales. On a personal level, she struggles with finding a man that is looking for the same thing that she wants in a relationship: marriage, commitment, family, similar interests, respect. She is fairly new to the area and doesn’t have many, if any female friends because she says like-minded women are too hard to find and it’s easier to meet men (though dating apps), but then that usually results in a sexual relationship (where she feels immediately validated), but then fizzles out and makes her question ‘what is wrong with her’.
This first session was very impromptu, as she showed up at my house (planned), in tears. She had just spoken with her mother on the phone, and was told that her sister wanted to talk to her. Nicole and her sister have not spoken in a year. Specifics regarding the details behind that were not entirely clear, except that she has a very tumultuous relationship with her sister and they often fight over the phone, which results in them not talking for extended periods of time. This, however, was the longest they had gone without speaking. That evening was also the day before the anniversary of her father passing, 6 years earlier. So, this impromptu session started with a lot of emotion.
As we sat down to talk, I suggested this be our first coach/client session, to which she agreed. I focused on the gestalt therapy principles as we started and really tried to listen and become aware of what my client was feeling and expressing through her body language and how she was describing her feelings and thoughts through her words.
Nicole started with expressing how upset she was about the anniversary of her father’s death and how much she missed him. She was crying a lot, balled herself up in my chair (holding herself), and struggled to make eye contact with me. What I noticed about her was how uncomfortable she was in being emotional (she stated this), and as a coach, how this was a major trigger for me (as my father has passed as well). This made me think of Confluence as one of the Contact Boundary Disturbances, and how I needed to focus on her experience and remind myself that I was not having the experience. I stated that I was here for her and that I could relate to how she was feeling, which I felt continued to build the trust that she has in me her coach. She told a lot of stories about growing up with her father and how he was her favorite parent (her mother struggles with drug addiction). She also talked a lot about how she harnessed a lot of guilt around not being there for her father when he was dying (from cancer), because she couldn’t ‘sit around and watch him die. When he actually passed, she spoke of having to be the person in the family that had to take care of everything and make everyone around her feel better. This did not allow her to grieve herself. This made me think of gestalt’s idea of Introjection. When she spoke about what an amazing man her father was, she started hinting at how she wanted to meet a man and have a relationship with someone like her dad. I asked her if her dating on Tinder was bringing her any closer to finding someone like that, to which she started to cry more. (This is a topic I plan to dive deeper into in our next session, as she switched topics quickly after). I told her that I appreciated the back-stories of her father (as it was a way for me to understand some history and also how that history is effecting her current life). I suggested that we focus on the here and now and asked her about why she was upset about her sister. As a coach I felt that I needed to steer her in the direction of focusing on what was going on in the present moment. I wasn’t trying to dismiss or not validate all the feelings that she was having about her father, but instead tried to bring some focus to the session. I’m sure this topic will come up again.
As we segued to the topic of her sister, she expressed how upset she was that they weren’t talking and how scared she was to have a conversation with her, in fear of another fight and potentially another extended amount of time not talking to her. Nicole stated not being able to ever find common ground with her sister. He sister wants her to go to counseling about her father’s death. She also stated that her sister thinks she has low self-esteem because of the pictures she posts of herself on social media and the validation she needs. Nicole stated that she wants a normal relationship with her sister, as she is her only sibling, but that their relationship has not been serving her for several years. She also stated that she is not yet ready to give up. This made me think about Retroflection, and how Nicole is allowing this relationship to continue as is, because she somehow thinks she deserves it. I reminded her that she stated that ‘the relationship wasn’t serving her’, and ‘she wasn’t ready to give up yet’. I asked her if she ever used a journal to write down her feelings, and she said yes, but it was usually about men she was dating. I asked her what she wanted and needed from her sister, and suggested that she used her journal to write down these needs and wants, but to also write down what she wasn’t willing to deal with moving forward with her sister. She stated that she thought that would be a good exercise in preparation for contacting her sister, so that she could keep the conversation focused. We ended the session soon thereafter (as we had been talking for two hours). She stated feeling better about being able to talk about all of this in a safe environment and feeling validated about her feelings good and bad. I felt at this point we were moving toward Homeostasis, and she had a plan to move forward. I have a session set up with her this week. I plan to ask her how the journaling went and if she has called her sister.

[Ivy Walker]

Hi Lauren, what a big, first session with your practice client! Lots to hold as a guide and just be present with, as a safe space to allow the issues to come forward. Great job being there, holding space and also giving some direction that helped your client find some focus> Sounds like she moved some energy towards beginnings of new awareness and clarity.

It seems like a lot of initial sessions can be like this– where just getting familiar with the issues is the whole session. Yet, you also brought in such a valuable opportunity for her to move into her wants and needs on her own time in journaling. Well done! This is a gem of a suggestion and will probably open new doors of focus for her, on her own and when she next sees you. Great reflections on how Gestalt has entered into your xray vision as a coach–in your awareness and curiosity about your client and yourself in the moment. Do you yet have a sense of her deeper need?

[Lauren Lucek]

Hi Ivy! Thanks for your feedback. I am curious how the journaling for her is going. I ran into her the other day and mentioned it in passing, and she said putting all the things down into words was a little scary. This makes sense to me. I think when you start to realize how much control you have over your circumstances and future, and start to own your behaviors, you can’t really blame others or the past for the direction your life is going. Maybe that sounds a bit blunt, but if you WANT something in your life to be different or change, you can’t continue the same patterns that aren’t working for you and wonder why nothing is changing.
My next session with her is on Sunday. In this session, I want to invite her to really start thinking and talking about what she wants in her life, and hopefully move closer to her deeper need. I think the journal will be an excellent tool for Nicole, as her peer circle is not one where she discusses her feelings. Hopefully this is a good outlet for her.

[Kaity Holsapple]

Lauren, reading this was such a beautiful refresher for me of the power within Gestalt. It sounds like you we’re able to see an recognize occurrences in your client on many different levels, including within yourself. You were aware of her body language, speech, and your own sensory experience of the contact boundary. I love how you saw the thread between your client’s dad passing, and her “story” regarding dating. You were able to reflect this, and bring your client back to the present moment. I really appreciate your questions around her relationship with her sister, asking what she wanted and needed from her. It sounds like that wasn’t something that had occurred to her before, and she was stuck in between wanting a different relationship and wanting to settle for the relationship as it was. This sounds like a lot of ground was covered for your client, and that you were able to gather a lot of important information to use when moving forward to future sessions. I echo what Ivy has shared, beautiful job holding space and being present with some heavy and big emotions! I’d be curious to hear how your following sessions have unfolded after this point.

[Wendy Barnett]

WOW! This seems like an intense session and I’m sure one that you might have had to be very conscious, as you say, of your risk of confluence! I was wondering how you managed to do this in 1 hour (my naturally-established time based on work parameters) so I’m not surprised that this was a 2 hour session. I also really appreciated how you re-focused her back to the original reason she came to you; she seemed to be all over the place and it’s easy to get drawn down the many paths our clients can lead us down.
I’m not surprised because you’ve coached me and I know how gifted you are but Nicole is fortunate to have you as her guide! I’m eager to here more. Congrats on starting the journey as a guide 🙂

[Lauren Lucek]

Hey Wendy! Thanks for your kind words. 🙂 I thought about the how much time we were talking, and I think moving forward, I will try to get this down to 1 hour. However, in the moment, there was a lot that I didn’t know about her history, and even though a lot of it was ‘story’, it was helpful to get an understanding of what was going on for her and gave me some glimpse of ‘parts work’ that I will be doing in the future. It was definitely a challenge to get her back on track, but mostly I think it was because she was so sad and really needed to release a bit. I look forward to meeting with her weekly and keep this work going!

[Kaity Holsapple]

Hi, Wendy! Wow. It feels so powerful to read over this intense experience again, but from your perspective. I remember how important getting onto the ground and using my senses was during this session. The “I don’t know’s” did feel like a big wall to me. When Derek said something along the lines of “I have the sense that you feel like you are going to answer this wrong,” that was when I broke through the wall and into a big, and pretty scary, release. I am glad Derek was there to help facilitate and co-guide this with you, and to be able to see how his expertise in Gestalt really led me down a new path. It is interesting having you, Michael, and Derek there all at once, picking up on completely different but really useful feedback. It’s almost been 3 months since this, and the intensity has worn off, but I still feel really interested in what the heck happened up there that led to such a big somatic experience and release. I think we all learned a lot from this experience, in many different ways. I’m grateful that it all happened, and have been working through the experience on many levels since then that has led to a LOT of inner growth and metamorphasis. Thank you, Wendy!

[Wendy Barnett]

* Provide us with a short back story of the client. Note: it helps to consider people in your life to create this scenario.
* Unfortunately, I do not yet have a practice client so I will speak from the experience I had on site, how I observed Derek and what I would now do differently as a result of those observations and also from a theoretical point of view of what I will do when I have a client.
* My client had been having an increasing build-up of anxiety over the previous couple of days and leading up to our session. She had indicated that she was feeling overwhelmed and unable to keep up with the expectations of life, professionally and personally.
* Describe how you would Establish the Coaching Agreement
* The first thing I would do is confirm that we are in session by asking permission to be my client’s guide. Then, I would provide the assurance of confidentiality, as a way to create some trust. Then I would ask the very simple question “so, how are you feeling right now?”. This would help me to get some context around the issue(s) which might be current for my client and perhaps start to identify which appeared to have the mot energy. I would find ways to ask questions to focus in on the most important issue and then start to guide my client down that path.
* What opportunities could arise that would allow you to apply the concepts learned in this module, and how would you invite it in.
* As noted above, the foundation of gestalt is about being in ‘the now’ so by asking the question “how are you feeling right now”, this would, hopefully, bring my client into the present moment and give her with the ability to explore those feelings and what might be causing them.
* Something I noticed during my on site observation was how Derek had the client sit on the grass, focus on how it felt and describe it. He also did this with me by asking me to pick up and describe a pinecone. What is fascinating about this very simple request is that, as the client, it is not possible to focus on anything but the object you have been asked to describe and sense; it is a powerful grounding technique which requires nothing complicated or beautiful, just something from nature to bring you back to the present moment. The effect it had on me was to provide absolute focus and actually some joy in the discovery of something I’d never spent any time considering – a dead and decaying pinecone! It calmed me physically and emotionally and while was not an instant cure, certainly brought me out of the terror in reliving the experience and into the safety of the present. It created the possibility of me feeling safe again in nature, something which had been violated with the bear encounter.
* This is certainly a technique which I would use going forwards if I felt it would be helpful to shift someone from memory and the storytelling that can come with that, to the present
* Another thing I experienced myself was the way he shifted me from aboutism into the present. I was deflecting by using humor and recounting my experience so that I didn’t have to fully experience the fear. I’m very used to overcoming obstacles and I do that, generally, by avoiding the emotion and just getting on with life. He clearly saw this and while I can’t remember what he said that triggered me, I remember going from feeling cavalier (while internally terrified) to being utterly terrified, which is when he had me use the pinecone.
Challenge: What I noticed when Derek had to take over my session on site, was that I missed the key issue which was the client’s repeated answer ‘I don’t know’. I didn’t do a good job of hearing that and fully digesting what it meant to her; I tried to get creative and move around and divert but kept getting the same answer. It seemed that I may have contributed to the eventual breakdown in my client; I believe I added to her anxiety of not being able to feel she could meet me with an answer. Knowing (after the fact) that the context of her stress was not feeling able to meet the many expectations she had of herself and that believed others had of her, I can see how this happened. The session ended up actually focusing only on getting her to a calmer place, both physically and emotionally. It was very intense yet calm and my observation was that it took a lot of patience. Interestingly, Michael interjected at one point with a very useful observation – this showed me the power of partnership in supporting someone and reminded me of what Michael has told us about not feeling we need to be everything to our clients; sometimes they may need someone else too or even someone else and not us and that that’s OK.
While I think I listen well, I need to listen more deeply to what my client is saying. As I reflect back, I didn’t understand the significance of the repeated ‘I don’t know’ answers and therefore didn’t simply explore that. Going forwards, I would try to be calmer and slower with my client and connect more deeply through feeling so that I can support and guide more effectively.
When I think about the interaction of Gestalt and Nature Connected practices, it’s almost hard for me to separate them, based on the 2 experiences I had or observed. It’s powerful to be able to ground someone into the present through such a seemingly simple technique as describing a pinecone or sitting on the ground and feeling it and smelling something. Also, when you think of the Threshold experience and the ‘experiment’ in Gestalt, they are both ways by which you help the client to create a new homeostasis. They are also both driven to create awareness in the client, require the guide to have great listening skills and, at their very foundation, require trust.
Given my significant life change, I have not had much recent opportunity to coach at work but I am excited to start now that I have registered as a practice coach.

[Lauren Lucek]

Response to Wendy:
Wendy, I can see how posting about gestalt without having a client can be challenging, but you made several great observations from our time in Colorado with Derek and your session with Katie.
I loved how you brought up the observance of the use of Nature (pinecone) and how it brought focus, grounding and yourself into the ‘here and now’. I need to use this technique, especially when I feel like my client is all over the place! You seemed to have done a great job with observing yourself, and noticing your ‘aboutism’ and use of humor in recounting your bear experience. You also stated that you noticed how you overcome obstacles in life by avoidance and ‘getting on with your life’. Even if you haven’t landed a client yet, you are doing some really great work observing yourself. You notice your body language and what you are verbalizing very well, and this is really going to help you as a coach.
In stating what your ‘challenge’ was with Katie, you said you were missing key issues in her language and the constant statement of ‘I don’t know’. You said you felt like you added to her anxiety. That is a valid feeling and one that I think as coaches, we teeter on the razors edge with constantly. But don’t be so hard on yourself. Remember, we are learning Wendy, and we do not have all the answers. Keep focusing on body language and verbal cues instead of going directly to fixer mode (which is what we innately want to do, lol). With practice, we find success.
It sounds like the take away from that session was that it was a learning experience, and you learned a lot! Even remembering what Michael said and the ‘power of partnership’ with your client and not feeling like we need to be everything to our client, is a huge piece to take away. I also feel like you made a great connection with the likeness of ‘threshold’ and gestalt’s ‘experiment’, helping to create homeostasis, building client awareness and trust with your client.
I’m excited to hear about how your session goes when you do get a client. You have the tools, and that confidence in yourself is in there, let it shine!

[Wendy Barnett]

Reflective summary post that expresses what you are taking away from the module.

It’s interesting that Partswork is not mentioned in this because this is such an integral aspect of the week and one which I think might make Gestalt ‘more complete’ (for me). What I mean by that is that having learned about Parts, people make so much more sense to me, even I make more sense to me! The fact that we are are a complex composition of parts which interact constantly, sometimes in harmony and at other times seemingly in conflict, makes it easier (at least in my head) for me to consider how to be a more effective coach. I believe that having a developing understanding of Partswork and Gestalt gives me the ability to understand my client more clearly; there’s a part of them (or maybe a couple of parts) showing up a certain way while the rest of them is in the background and I can help them to become aware of this and integrate.
As women, we so often believe that one negative thing that happened means we are fundamentally X (unlovable, unsuccessful, unattractive…). However, we can guide our client to awareness that there is only 1 part of her which is owning that negative introject and that in that moment that part is dominant, but by experimenting to bring awareness to her other parts, she can challenge that introject and bring herself to a place of acceptance again.
I am also excited to become more focused as a guide which means further developing my listening skills. Again, as women, we can often be upset about 1 thing but we tend to pile on so many other issues along with it that clarity can be hard and can make the situation worse. As a coach, it is critical to listen and sense which of the issues has the most energy and then help the client to focus on whichever it is. Our curiosity and opinion is irrelevant; it is all about meeting the client where she is at and guiding her to a place of awareness. During my 1:1 with Katie, she said at the end of the session that she felt that she had learned something that she could use; that was a great thing to hear and will be a goal I seek – guiding my client to a new homeostasis through experimentation and integration, aka ceremony (severance, threshold and integration).
I’m so excited to have done this section of my course as I found it to be fascinating and challenging and wholly in line with my coaching philosophy. Gestalt, Partswork and Nature Connection are kind of inextricable, for me 🙂

[Lauren Lucek]

Summary for Gestalt:
Awareness, Awareness, Awareness!! This is the key to what I’m taking away from this toolbox. What I have noticed over the last month, is my awareness of myself. I’m aware of what I’m feeling (good or bad), and accepting either as a true and fair feeling. Sometimes it sends me down the rabbit hole of overanalyzing, to which I try to take a step back and focus on the ‘here and now’. It is definitely a challenge, but also has created a lot of growth for me as an individual and now, as a practicing coach. With that being said, my self-awareness has created more confidence as a coach, because I’m really focusing on my client’s body language and how they are saying things, before I start paying attention to WHAT they are saying. It’s really easy to get lost in the ‘stories’ that our clients are telling us, and generally they can be really fascinating in how they create rationale for their behaviors. Becoming more self-aware myself, has really helped me create opportunities for my client to be more self-aware. With these observations and focusing on deep listening skills, I believe that I have asked some really powerful questions. It’s amazing to see what comes from those questions, and to notice that ‘ah-ha’ moment in your client.
I’m really happy to have had the gestalt training. I learned a lot and I believe it will help me in the future growth of myself as Lauren, and also as a coach.

[Daniel Brisbon]

Daaaang Lauren! It really sounds like you are understanding the key concepts and foundation of Gestalt work on a personal and professional level! Which is so important and such a great learning opportunity! And I say this because, from what I have learned and from personal experience, we learn and integrate things best when we first truly understand them within ourselves so that we can then share that deep wisdom with others.

Like I have said before, we are our own best coach and our own best client. The second we deeply feel and understand these tools (Gestalt, Partswork, Severance process) within our own lives then our potential for guiding others to that same space goes up exponentially.

I remember it took me almost a year from learning the Gestalt module as an EBI student until I honestly felt that I understood these concepts, that you’ve shared so well in your discussion and summary post, and knew how to implement them into my coaching work. So to hear how quickly you are picking this up is super awesome and inspiring!

And something I want to share with you and the whole group is that as you reflect on the F2F and your own private coaching experiences, remember to focus on asking yourself the Sacred Questions.

What am I noticing?
What is this telling me?
What is this teaching me?
How can I learn from this?

And make the intention of asking these questions and listening for the answers from Soul, Spirit, Intuition rather than the answers that may show up from our ego. Soul answers with truth. It is normally not an emotional response. When you notice yourself in a state of over-analyzing or worry/doubt/fear about then use this as a chance to listen within and ask these questions.

And I bet if you ask these same questions to your client, Lauren, in a Gestalt-ish way, that you will see that all those stories she has shared with you will lead you to home. Stories that are shared by our clients can be like clues toward their deeper need. Which is almost always within themselves.

[Kaity Holsapple]

Initial Post:
My client, Amorita, is an old friend from high school who recently moved to Hawaii with her boyfriend. She is 23 years old and works as a waitress, and is transitioning to life on the island. She has found a lot of power and strength from coming to the island, but has been struggling with her relationship with her partner and mother in recent months.
She came to me for coaching in the following areas:
She has recently had a big spiritual awakening, but feels unsure of how to be around her family, specifically her older sister and mom. She feels that many of her family members are very judgmental around her spirituality, which brings up shame and uncertainty in her ability to trust herself.
Her relationship is on the rocks. They still live together and she still feels deep love for him, but he has been having some anger issues that have been difficult for her to get past. She wants him to work on himself so they can be together, but he is uninterested in changing. She knows she can’t force him to change, but I sensed that she really wants him to be somewhere/something he isn’t so their relationship can move forward. She is uncertain of whether she should leave him or wait for him to change.
Her mother is dying from sorosis of the liver. She has been an alcoholic for many years and Amorita cut their relationship off when she was 19 years old. Amorita saw her mom briefly a few months ago, when she was in the hospital in Hawaii after a night of binge drinking. This is really sad for her. She wants so badly for her mom to shift her behavior, especially for her little brother’s sake, but she has given up hope. She is in anticipatory grief and can’t decide on whether she should visit her mom or not.
It was clear to me that there was a lot happening for Amorita. She would constantly deflect from one story line to another. When we would begin to go a little deeper in one direction, she would switch gears to a new story or struggle. She was also the type of client to talk a lot, and not leave a ton of space for silence. Reflecting on the Gestalt tools, I would be interested to point these patterns out to her the next time we work together, if it continues. I have a feeling that this will be a useful tool with other clients as well, and want to work on how to gracefully share what it is that I see and notice.
Since this was our first session, we stayed mainly in severance and story-telling. We had a baby threshold and a short incorporation. From using the Gestalt awareness tools in my own listening, I could sense Amorita’s overwhelm and confusion. It became apparent in the chaotic manner she was telling her story.
The largest gestalt thread I picked up on was the similarity between how she spoke about her mother and her partner. Her voice would inflect in a similar way, and the stories felt very similar. She felt very powerless in regards to both of these relationships. The two both struggled with not being able to control their impulses (for her partner it was anger, and her mother it was drinking). She had cut her mother out of her life and was having a similar feeling toward what she wanted to do about her partner if he didn’t change.
Amorita identified that what she really wanted was to be at peace, and not have rocky relationships influence her inner state and growth. She needs to trust herself and build boundaries to achieve this.
Amorita connected to Nature through the recognition and understanding that the power of the island often brings up challenging feelings and emotions because they’re ready to be processes. This threshold realization opened up space for her to trust that the island was holding space for her to grow.
In future sessions, I’d like to explore some of the deflections I came across as well as the projected belief that came up from time to time that she cannot trust herself and is “evil” for following her own spiritual path (she grew up in a catholic family).
I feel that gestalt has been the best toolbox for enhancing my coaching presence. It gives me the framework and tools for really tracking the shifts, on very subtle levels, in my clients to read what their bodies and minds are saying. Using gestalt also has allowed me, with many clients, to get to the heart of the deeper need much more efficiently. I look forward to continuing my study and work with gestalt techniques.

[Kaity Holsapple]

Summary Post:
Thank you all for your patience as I’ve created some time and space to reflect on this big week again! I had a lot going on with work in the past few months, and I also think it has taken some time for me to re-approach everything that happened up there on the mountain. It’s been really beautiful to read over your posts, and I appreciate reconnecting to the depth of Gestalt with this group again.
Gestalt is so obviously powerful, from my own experience and also from the work I’ve done since the intensive. I find that using Gestalt techniques brings me and my clients to the deeper need 10x quicker than without them. In that sense, it is an amplification and intensifying to my sessions that creates even deeper work. Considering all of the “jections” that are constantly at play within myself and my clients, it is easier to see what is being avoided and what holds charge. I have particular interest in introjection and retroflection and how that influences my client’s on a day-to-day basis.
As Lauren shared, AWARENESS is a huge takeaway for gestalt. Awareness of language, assumptions, body language, eye contact, base-line, nature, and also myself. And, where all of these places meet and communicate with one another. It is like the ultimate internal tracking that leads right down into the heart of everything. I am so appreciative of this module, and value learning from Derek in such an experiential way as a client and observer. It really showed me how MUCH is under the surface for each and every one of us.