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Guiding through Grief (Oct 2019)
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28 Replies
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Initial Post
The client I had was dealing with accepting the future loss of her father. She had a scare over the past year with some health issues with her dad that brought the fact to life that he would be dying soon. Through her story the loss of her father brought a lot of different family dynamics and where some of her fears lie. There were three relationships that she felt like needed to be tended too including her father, mother in law and her brother. After some discovery of her own and talk all three situations through I posed the question with the reflection of all three and said what would be most beneficial now for you. She opted to talk about her brother and how she wanted to be more supportive with him through the process with her father. This was the initial want and the deeper need was more about not only wanting to be supportive but really show her brother the effect the pending loss was having on her as well, which meant showing and opening up a more vulnerable side of her. This was difficult because she felt that she needed to be the rock for her brother.
The client’s discovery was made through this time of grief because she may not have become away what was troubling her most.
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Ben, it sounds like you created a safe container of awareness for your client to be able to sit with what she needs. Grief is so complex with all the ripples in every which direction, and by creating that space this in turn helped her find what she really needed.
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Hi Ben! This sounds like it could have been very complicated. Family dynamics being what they are. And yet, it seems like you tied things together so well in just asking her what would be most beneficial for her at this point. And she got down to it. How wonderful. I loved hearing about it.
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Hi Ben,
I heard you say “I posed the question with the reflection of all three…” and that seemed to be key for her to stop and hear your question about focusing the session “what do you want now”) So, it sounds like you listened long enough to make sure you heard the major elements, heard the main actors in her story, and reflected that back in a way that accurately encapsulated where she was in that moment. Then she could go into her PFC with your question about feeling into the current deeper need. 🙂
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Initial Post
I have been working with someone who has been in the process of grieving her old patterns. She used to be angry and a bitch (her words not mine) towards her family specifically her sister. I started off by asking her about the intention for the session, and reemphasized that it was a safe container where there is no judgment and she is free to be honest and true. After getting some initial story she told me she wanted to have a better relationship with her sister, but these old patterns would still be coming in to stop her from doing that.
We found out that what she ended up needing was to address the old parts of her that was still holding on trying to stop this new way of being from coming up. She wanted to sit with how she was feeling, so she did a little 10-minute meditation. Afterwards she decided to have a little conversation with this part of her to figure out what this part really needed. In the end, after some connecting with the older patterns, she decided she wanted to let this part essentially die. She wanted to grief properly because it was time for this old way of being to leave. She acknowledged of what she was feeling, and then out loud said that it was okay to let go. That letting go was not a weakness. This change that was taking place had no room for two contradictory behaviors.
After she was able to grieve, she told me that she wanted to reach out to her sister and express this new person she was becoming. We had a follow up a couple days later and she told me she was able to have a meaningful conversation with her sister because she was living from this new state that was born after the old state had left.-
Hey Cory, Good to see your post! I thought you were out of the country now. Anyway, I get the feeling from what you write about with this client that she was feeling she got just the right amount of space for herself when she was with you. I think it can be a hard judge of coaching presence to feel where the line is for each client of just where they feel the best place for the coach is. She seemed to really resonate with your presence and make some awesome leaps of faith and trust to let old stuff die and really grieve it. Cool.
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Cory,
What a powerful session! I really like how you were able to incorporate partswpork into your session. It seemed as though it is the exact experience that your client needed. It is interesting how the metaphor of death can be such a great experience to some people and what it looks and feels like. Having a part of you die of as you and I have discue=ssed can be a very scary time and allowing the rebirth can be just as terrifying but so powerful at the same time.
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Hi Cory,
Good to hear from you! You said:
“We found out that what she ended up needing was to address the old parts of her that was still holding on trying to stop this new way of being from coming up.” This feels like really inspired Partswork, and yes it surely has a lot to do with the client placing their emotional trust in you so they can access this part of themselves in a loving manner. Congrats!
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I already gave an example of working with a client in the more intense time of her grieving, but by mistake posted it in the brain-change section. I want to discuss the same client who I saw for a second session this week, and where we continued working with grief. Then I want to discuss another client that I have seen for a couple of sessions in which the grief work was different.
The first client brought up her losses just at the end of our first session together and so we did not do anything other than just sit together and give permission for grief. During our second session we spent about half of the time on the topic of her loss and it’s meaning to her. I asked a lot of questions because she seemed unable to really know how to express her loss. So the questions I asked were around what her sensations were as she learned about the fire, then saw the extent of it and realizing that all was lost, and the ramifications of her home burning down. We spent sometime exploring what she wanted to take from this event in her life, and how that fit with what she wanted from our sessions, and so it began to dovetail with her other stated goal of changing the nature of her relationship with personal intimacy. I introduced the time-line of loss, and how loss is both vertical and horizontal, and she felt that tracing her losses would be a helpful launching point for her to help her understand where she was standing on the issues of loss and intimacy. She is not a client who wants to use nature, but she was open to taking her time-line of loss into a nature setting to help her feel grounded as she created it.
The second client I want to mention is also a fairly new client. We have met three times. She came in to see me because she is very unmotivated and angry, and because her husband insisted she “see someone” because she seems angry at him a lot. As she reviewed a list of ways she feels stuck, I was very aware that she was outlining great losses in her life: she had moved away from her friends and family, she had adopted a child that had a personality that challenged her, she was feeling estranged from her husband due to their differing political views, and had stopped working. Unlike the first client I mentioned, however, with this client I did not feel inclined to go toward the grief. As I questioned myself about this I realized that I was sensing that her grief was seeming to have a function in her being stuck, in the sense that it was almost a rationalization for remaining stuck. As we would move toward expressions of personal change, she would lapse back into conversation regarding the losses through reflection on some aspect of what her husband or son or neighbor had done which was making it difficult and painful for her. And so in some ways it seemed her grief was like a deflection or distraction. And so I began to use statements that would include both aspects together, such as, wondering how we could honor her losses as she made changes, and, how we might re-make aspects of her life rather than jump to changes. This led us to explore just how difficult and scary changes are, her felt sense that she has always avoided change and just how limiting that type of avoidance can be. Which of course helped crystalize aspects of a deeper need she was trying to articulate. She, also, is someone who does not want to take things outside, but she was willing to start a 5 minute morning meditation after dropping her son at school, by parking in the neighborhood park and meditating in her car. (Maybe at our next session she will feel comfortable enough rolling the window of her car down during her meditation time.)
I was struck by the contrast between these two clients, both of whom have aspects of grief in the session but which called up much different reactions inside of me.
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Lisa
Thank you for talking about just continuing to ask the client questions. I feel that during the grief process that some clients haven’t had a chance to really be heard and we can create that safe place to just be there for our clients and let them just talk. It sounds like through powerful questioning you were able to get her to a realization of the personal intimacy attachment. Sounds like it was a very powerful session.
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Hi Lisa,
I liked the contrast between the 2 clients–both suffering from grief. I wonder if there is anything to be said about “simple” grief, versus Complicated Grief here? Do you feel that maybe the first client, while undergoing the loss of everything in the fire, maybe is not feeling the kind of layered, complicated grief the second client is?
Just a thought.
I like to envision you, gently trying to draw your clients outside!-
Hi Sandy,
I am so glad that you commented on my post! It is nice to read your thoughts, and have you take an interest in my clients. yes, I think the second client does have a more complicated grief, and a more complicated relationship to grief, too. I was also just so struck by the function it had in our sessions. It was kind of like when I am curious with someone about how something might be for them and they say, “That is such an interesting question. In fact, I was just listening to a pod-cast the other day that talks about…..” and I am observing that we zoomed into the head space pretty fast there and might be getting distant from other aspects about how something was for them. I hope that example helps give the flavor of how things were with the second client. Like, it was grief but it had a function, too. Thanks again for your thoughtful comments, I am going to miss having contact with cohorts on a more regular basis. Hope you are doing well.
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Summary Post: Throughout the grief learning module, I found myself amazed at how much we grieve throughout our lives. It struck me as an almost constant process in a way that I had been aware of before, but somehow had forgotten. One aspect that I feel we did not cover much is how grief opens us to be in the world in a way that can be actually helpful. I remember when we lost our daughter and just how much that left a hole inside of me. At the same time, because of that loss, I experienced the world in such a different way. I was in many ways much more open and so more connected to the sensitive parts of the world. For me, although I was totally out of my mind with grief, it felt like I was also so much in a heart-space with the world and other, living, things. I wrote a poem at that time which I got out and reread because it talked about those sensations of connection in the midst of hard loss. At the end of it, it reads: “I fold into the existence of others, even as they seem unaware we are the same. They talk of groceries, and gas, and the price of fruit. While the vapor of their breath speaks of their own, eternal, sorrow.”
Being struck by the many, many, losses we each have had as we shared in our toolbox meeting together, I am imagining that we each have had the heart-space opening I tried to convey with my poem. And so as I am hearing in a new way, again, the grief that my clients are experiencing, I am holding that aspect, perhaps even promise, of what living through grief can be; A deeper presence within ourselves, a more complete heart-opening to life, a greater appreciation for being connected, a wider acceptance of suffering. -
Summary Post
I felt like the grief intensive was really good and almost very closely related to the trauma in that we are working with grief and finding the underlying question and goal. What is the grief keeping the client from? What do they need right now surrounding the grief?
I also found it interesting that some people may always be in a state of grief because we all grieve differently and about different things. Grief can be a sneaky culprit. Proving a safe place for a client with genuine concern and empathy is something that most do not experience from close family or friends. Family and friends may feel like they are doing a service but they may be creating more harm than good and not intentionally.
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Initial Post
• How do Nature-Connected Practices and Grief Counseling principals interface?
In reflecting on Grief and how our culture encourages us to bury it, get over it, fail to acknowledge it, etc, I was struck by the experience of a client and her 14 year-old son, he who has recently undergone shoulder surgery. As the son lay in hospital with 6 screws in his young body, I couldn’t help but notice the comments on facebook from family members. Most of them were along the lines of “Get well, you’ve gotta get out there again, get back on the snowboard again, You’ve got this, you’re the man of the house.” True empathy for his situation (his loss of physicality, potentially his loss of pursuing his dream to be a professional snowboarder at a young age) was absent in those comments, and it shed a lot of light on my client, who needs to stay constantly busy, and who failed to note any trauma on the intake form despite a serious encounter with cancer herself. There is a story in this culture around grief, trauma, and what to do with them. We bury it and hope that will help, but they just come back as complicated grief (Workaholism, for example). I find the list of complicated grief signs on pg 102 of the Toolbox to be so helpful in trying to decode what my client is trying to show me. So, Nature-connected practices are perfect for addressing clients in grief—for creating situations where nature is companioning them and bearing witness. Nature is entraining their nervous system, and allowing their process to unfold–Literally, going to the wilderness of the soul of your client. So, my goal for the next few sessions with this client is first to provide more resources about grief/trauma and how it manifests, and second, to spend less time talking inside, and spend more silent/quiet time on wanders, or sitting, in nature.-
Hi Sandy,
The facebook reponses seem like very common one. Many people want to “make it all better” or make the pain go away but the feeling need to be acknowledged and accepted. It’s ok to cry, to fall apart, to realize something has been lost. How will we become whole again otherwise?
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Summary Post
I saw a Faceboook meme recently that said, “Grief is love that has nowhere to go”
This tells me that grief has so many faces and ways that it manifests, and that it has an ongoing nature in our lives. We never totally “get over” certain losses.Our culture honors acquisition, but not loss, although both are a part of nature, and life. Even if we just help our clients to identify and then honor their grief, honor that part of themselves that is feeling so deeply, I feel like we will have done something very useful.
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Summary Post
I found that grief is one of the things in our culture that is treated somewhat like a swear word. I had this view for so long that grief is a weakness and when I see someone going through it I would not know how to respond to what they are going through. What I found from my personal experience sharing with everyone, as well as working with others, is that much of the time all that is needed is presence. People want to feel that they are not alone. Just being there for another person is sometimes enough for them to be with what they are experiencing, and nothing else needs to happen. I don’t look at it anymore as something I need to hurry up and fix, but instead allow it to be recognized for what it is. -
Cory – Sounds like working with partswork and that little meditation really helped your client. You really seem to show up for your client and hold that space for them very well. Great job!
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*Initial Post*
I haven’t had the experience of coaching a client through grief at this time but I feel completely prepared for it, more than I thought I ever would. While I haven’t had an official coaching session, I did have an experience after we came home from the intensive. I was with a friend, getting ready to go out and he got a phone call that his grandmother suddenly passed away.
I had literally gotten back from CO the day before so everything from the Grief intensive was very fresh in my mind. I held the space for my friend differently that I normally would have. Normally I would’ve tried to cause a distraction or use humor, which is some times okay, but in that moment, just being there in silence as my friend cried was what was needed. And I could really feel the energy from my friend letting me know that the silence and support was all that was needed in that moment.
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*Summary Post*
I’ve had a good amount of experience of grief in the past few years personally and attending the intensive helped me personally grow so much, and also helped me learn how to be there for others. I know that grief is a very delicate subject, but with the personal experience I’ve been through and the education I received at the intensive, I feel like this is a path I need to go down. I think that using my negative experiences and turning them into ways I can help others would be an incredible service.
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I have been working with someone who has been in the process of grieving her old patterns. She used to be angry and a bitch (her words not mine) towards her family specifically her sister. I started off by asking her about the intention for the session, and reemphasized that it was a safe container where there is no judgment and she is free to be honest and true. After getting some initial story she told me she wanted to have a better relationship with her sister, but these old patterns would still be coming in to stop her from doing that.
We found out that what she ended up needing was to address the old parts of her that was still holding on trying to stop this new way of being from coming up. She wanted to sit with how she was feeling, so she did a little 10-minute meditation. Afterwards she decided to have a little conversation with this part of her to figure out what this part really needed. In the end, after some connecting with the older patterns, she decided she wanted to let this part essentially die. She wanted to grief properly because it was time for this old way of being to leave. She acknowledged of what she was feeling, and then out loud said that it was okay to let go. That letting go was not a weakness. This change that was taking place had no room for two contradictory behaviors.
After she was able to grieve, she told me that she wanted to reach out to her sister and express this new person she was becoming. We had a follow up a couple days later and she told me she was able to have a meaningful conversation with her sister because she was living from this new state that was born after the old state had left.Great post Cory!
Neat to see a client who is aware of their own feelings but still searching deeper to rediscover patterns. Also congrats on being patient and holding what looks like a very open and safe place for her to move forward to embody her grief in a different way.
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Thats amazing MJ! Sounds like the space that you help for your friend was a powerful space for her to be in. But also your essence was all that she needed. Really cool!
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You really created a safe space of trust to be open and honest. I think your own comfort with openness and honesty could have really helped. It sounded like you were a presence to her own grief process which had its own forward momentum. I want to say that you showed bravery in being present with what could be a very intense situation but it seems like you really are in an accepting place, not allowing fear to enter.
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My last comment was meant for Cory. Wonderful that you shared this Cory.
