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Online Discussion-Guiding through Grief
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34 Replies
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Initial Post:
• What steps did you take to establish the Coaching Relationship and focus the session?
To start off, important to note – did not have a client I was working with to support in the grief process. So, my answers will all be hypothetical. In establishing the coaching relationship, I can’t foresee doing anything different working with someone in grief (up front). I think during the session (if/when) it came up – it would be a gentle acknowledgement and affirmation that I am here to hold space and not fix them. That their grief is their grief and no expectations from me as a coach.
• How did or could Grief Counseling principles fit into your nature-connected coaching session?
I think nature is the perfect place for grief. Simply to be in a place of complete present moment, sacred space and quiet for reflection and feelings to arise as they need – what better way than to be in nature. Additionally, as the grief process is so different for all, could see how using nature to represent how they are feeling or even using nature to create a visual representation of their journey with grief could be supportive.
• How did or could you collaborate with Nature and combine Grief Counseling principals, and Coaching principles?
I always love metaphors in nature and people finding answers and symbols through nature. These could weave in together – maybe a sign that their loved one has sent in nature, a simple wander to answer a question they are chewing on, or simply guidance that they seek.
• What ideas do you have for how you might use Grief Counseling principals and nature-connected coaching in the future with your client?
Many of the ideas above. I am also really inspired by the way Kim has been talking about coaching in nature, where you paddle/ride for a bit (movement, silence) and then pause and reflect. I could see that with me as more of a hike or wander, but I love the pendulum of talk, move, silence, digest, then regroup to storytell and reflect. I feel this could be very helpful and healing in grief. Working at nature’s pace. I also could see holding a session in almost complete silence and letting nature do 90% of the work in a session here – to play with that and see how that worked for a client in grief. I think it is so much more about having a safe and welcoming space than anything at all, and giving our clients the permission to do that feels really good to me.
• How do change theory and Grief Counseling principals effect or enhance your Coaching Presence and approach?
So much more relaxed and willing to step into the unknown. Not worrying about getting it right, but trusting that following my own intuition will be exactly what is needed. I know that we now have the tools to how, so it’s more about dancing with experience and experimenting in the moment with you client.
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Initial Post
It’s interesting as I went into the practice session expecting that we would be going through a traditional coaching process. In fact she had told me earlier in the week that she really wanted to work on prioritizing her projects (work and personal). But as we started talking and going down the path of severance it became clear that this client was more in a grief mode. A grief for the changes and perceived loss of opportunities in her career. So much so that it can feel in some ways paralyzing to her in the current work situation that she is in.We were already in a very calming place that she had picked – a shaded water garden area of the Desert Botanical Garden. This helped tremendously during the session as I held space for her to just talk. And wander in her narrative as we hit spots that she just needed to expound upon and other spots that brought up a lot of emotion, mostly anger and frustration and some just heavy resolution to where she’s at. When it started to get too much we could take a pause to just take in the beauty around and watch the bees/birds as it was a very active place. At one point I asked her what being in this surrounding brought to her, she said it was peaceful and joyful. We came back to that a few times in the session.
So without trying to manage the session in anyway, I just held space for her to talk through the reflections of loss she was feeling with expectations, people, opportunities and resolution of where she’s at as she heads toward retirement in 7 years. The narrative hit upon both past and present feelings of things not going the way she hoped. And what that all means for her. You could see that this was a process that needed to happen.
At the end of our time together I could tell that there was a feeling that we didn’t get to anywhere other than letting it out. I felt that was successful but I could tell the client didn’t necessarily. And about a week later she let me know that another opportunity she was expecting is not happening for her at work. More anger and frustration is building up so I really hope to be able to sit with her to let this all out again in whatever shape it needs to be.
As a learning – well, this isn’t traditionally what we think of as grief although we did explore these types in our loss lines with Julie. I was definitely afraid of naming it as grief with the client since I think she’d be uncomfortable with the label. And no need really to label it. Holding space for the narrative, being in nature and letting it be what it is are all my takeaway.
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Such a powerful takeaway, Kim! Holding space for whatever our client brings to the session. I consider your reflection while also going back to Michael’s commentary that, in all likelihood, our clients are bringing their “best selves” to our shared time. What a privilege. I have no doubts as to the accuracy of your tracking your client in this, I am simply curious about your assessment that the labeling of her process as grief would make the client uncomfortable. I am also curious what avenues you think that such a discomfort might open up if you had labeled it as grief and she had settled in to discomfort. Holding space. Being in nature. Letting it be. Just beautiful, Kim! Thank you.
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Kim, great observations and tracking where your client was at given her desire to be in a more problem solving mode. As we learned, there isn’t much room for us to guide them through growth when they are holding grief. It sounds like you were effectively attuned and capitalized on the abundant use of nature during your session. I’m curious if you had a conversation with the client about why you focussed on holding space for her rather than “making progress”. I find that sometimes it’s helfpul to reframe time in grief as long term progress since our society avoids grief and strong emotions at all costs. If you did have that conversation with her, do you recall how it went? Any lessons learned from it? It sounds like in general she was resistant to the idea of grief, so I’m curious about how that might have played out with someone who wasn’t receptive to calling it what it is. I also wanted to acknowledge your deep listening in noticing that! It’s a great reminder that we can hold some things for our clients without having to name them. In this case, it sounds like naming it may have disrupted the work.
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Taylor – the thought you have of “I also could see holding a session in almost complete silence and letting nature do 90% of the work in a session here” really resonates. Being wherever you are with holding space for your client physically and emotionally is so healing. It all goes back to the power of the pause. I know I tend to want to fill in the silence gaps when that silence can do so much. You noted about the paddle/ride – those worked so well because of the physical nature of what we were doing made those gaps happen. And then they worked so well – nature filling those vs. us filling those to allow for process and change.
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Kim,
I could feel the serenity of your session. Interesting that you felt the session was successful with not much integration, but the client may not have felt that same sentiment. Makes me curious if for some people they are ready to move into action to help get their minds off the grief a bit, or perhaps feel like they have more control? And then, I also was curious about the difference between grief and regret? I just had an intake session with a new client and she showed grief around the time she has lost in life and I was thinking of it as more of regret. Which, perhaps is grief? Wishing it had been done a different way? Or part of the grief process. The loss would be the loss of years/time in that aspect. Anyhow, this was great for me to think through as I get into work with the new client – thanks for listening to my process. 😉
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Taylor – really interesting thought of regret as grief. I’ve been letting this idea settle in some and I do think regret can be looked at as a type of grief for what your new client is facing. So if you do look at it that way, maybe it starts out more like guiding through grief and can move organically into other areas as needed in later sessions. I am going to this approach when I meet with my client again. Will be curious to see where this may lead. Thank you for bringing this idea up and letting me think through my process as well!
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INITIAL POST:
Finding it so ironic that this last module we are posting on is grief. Noticing I am grieving the end of this program. Fear affects my actions, uncovering what’s next, feeling pushed from the nest, uncertain of my ability to fly on my own… feel this fear has paralyzed me as I’m not taking steps at a familiar pace. I’m open to ideas, brainstorming, but holding action at arms length. After pondering this for a few days I woke this morning realizing how important movement is in our life, yet the next thought was there’s also “a time for everything” and stillness/pause is also important. Like a butterfly in a chrysalis seems still, while certainly there is much happening, moving, dissolving in there during what seems calm. Yet when it’s ready to transform it comes out struggling in movement that is crucial for its survival. Shortly after this all floated through my thoughts I happened upon a video from Katie Asmus on movement and its importance in both up and down states! Gotta love the timing of flow!So back to guiding through grief, I have held two grief sessions with this client. The first on July 2nd, shortly following our intensive. The second session, just hours ago. The first, we knew was going to be a grief session. My client, upon hearing that we did a module in our intensive on grief, immediately said “We need to have a session.” She had recently had a major loss with the passing of her father-in-law, who was a very supportive person in her life. Tip: when knowing you will be talking about grief have a tissue box at the ready – duh! We were able to meet in person, spacing appropriately outdoors for safe distancing, and with her permission I remembered to record the session. (That is a win!) Once we established the coaching contract, including the confidentiality statement, her first comment in our session was “Yes, I want to talk about grief.” Just saying the word opened up the emotions and the tissue box was required, for both of us.
She came with the realization that her grief was different than expected. We talked about how that is ok. We discussed how grief is cumulative. New grief brings up all the past losses. She shared this is the “first time I have cried about Dad.” She had a hurtful moment during the celebration of life service and shared the story of “When you’re an In-law…you’re nothing…as the priest prayed for her Father-in-law’s kids and grandkids,” she felt left out. However, when I asked her how Dad saw her, she was able to see that from a different perspective, knowing she was his kid, not an “in-law.” We had lots of tears. We had some laughs.
She thanked me for being safe, and not needing her to be strong. It was the first time she’d cried about him because she was afraid that if she cried at home she wouldn’t be able to stop. It felt like “grasping at frayed rope.” She’d been feeling a sense of relief, that he was out of pain. Yet struggling that she was not feeling what she was “meant to feel,” be that sadness. It was a gift to be able to share with her that there’s no right or wrong, as well as, the Dimensions of Grief from our training. She related to many emotions on the list like feeling “really scattered, tired, bitchy (not on the list but several similar) – not normal.” How it hits you whenever, wherever it does. “It’s the unexpected things,” she shared a story of “walking into the kitchen after the memorial and getting hit with a wave of memories and realizations that she would never have his gravy again.” I was honored to just provide space when the tears came.
Grateful that I have my clients complete a pre-session form as it gave me some insights for asking questions during the session. She had mentioned on the form that she is doing a lot for others, her mother-in-law was one of them. So I asked her how Mom is doing. Listening back to the recording now I am hearing the pendulum of how that question brought her out of a tearful state, sharing in some humor and stories but still connected to the grief.
Nature – Wow, so we were aware during the session of the butterfly, and bees, that kept visiting. We had gotten together at my front yard garden with a fountain. Listening back to the recording I could hear the fountain and realized that the flow of water may have actually played a role in her ability to bring forth the tears she had been holding back.
Towards the end there was a silence, I asked, “What are you noticing?” “I am breathing. I feel a little light headed, honestly, in a good way, like the pressure is off…
I asked, “What is that telling you?” “Crying is good. Feeling is important. Necessary.”
“I needed to get out of my house and be able to feel. This was perfect, absolutely perfect. Wish we could hug…but so good to see your face.”Today’s session was also grief based, but maybe more heavy on anxiety. Although the conversation had more to do with the unknowns of our world right now. Loss of her health as she battled COVID-19 back in March and is still struggling with her breathing and sleeping. Loss of a relationship with her little boy, who is now 16 and battling her on many levels, who is also grieving. Loss of control of planning her life due to all the unknowns and so much fear about the back to school situation as her husband is a teacher and everyone in her house going back to that exposure. Loss of “me.” She is no longer someone who loves people but rather sees them as the enemy. So while this session was rooted in loss, we were also able to get to some deeper needs and realizations. Her realizations: “I need to be me.” What does that mean? What’s missing? “I need to go for a walk everyday.” What does that look like? She described a wander. So we discussed ways she can incorporate Nature Connection for grounding herself. At the point in the session when she mentioned the anxiety I asked her if she was a barefoot person and kicked off my sandals and planted my feet solid on the ground. She followed along and commented later in the session how much that helped. I mentioned 5-4-3-2-1 and she was familiar with helping others calm down with it but didn’t realize she could do it for herself. I suggested that she start her walks with that to just help her get grounded at the start.
Another need: “I need to not see people as the enemy.” How? “Take wise risks.” What does wise mean? So we talked through defining some of what made her feel safe in our community right now. We practiced establishing her comfort zone, or bubble, by playing with the energy work we learned at Foundations. It felt insightful. Talked about how she could tell where my presence was even behind her, helping her establish trust in herself. “Face my fears.” Tell me more. She was referring to leaning into her comfort zone and pushing it or expanding it a bit each day. Finding “work arounds” for those times she doesn’t feel safe.Her goal is to spend time in her creative space, take a wander and sit outside daily. When I asked if that was possible, as I was concerned of the EVERY day aspect but she said “yes, or I’m out of control.” I have been given permission to check in on her with these goals to see how she is doing. Accountability! We see each other a couple times a week for other activities. Another step is she plans to record 5 things in a goodness journal daily, this she will be texting me.
The walk/wander was her way to address needing to move more. I was able to share Katie’s wisdom sharing on the importance of movement in up and down states! We sat there and moved our joints, starting with our fingers and toes and up our arms to shoulders. It felt so good!
It is such an honor to hold her stories and laugh and cry with her. I do love this path I am on! Feels so right when doing it, just gotta do it more.
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Sheri – Thank you for sharing that you are grieving the end of this program. I echo those same sentiments. While there is excitement too ad moving into the next step of this journey, I’ve been keeping everything at arm’s distance too. And keep coming back to how important it is to take a step or two back, take some breaths in order to make the big leap forward!
Reading through your sessions with this client, I love that you reached into the toolboxes of what we’ve learned and applied them so well. Holding space in that first session for her to express the grief that was bottled up. More than directing, just going with the ups and downs of the moment. The second session you pulled in the grief toolbox, the trauma toolbox and the foundations toolbox. And, of course, nature! Isn’t it amazing to be able to do that?
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What a juicy bit of conversation regret and grief. Will be pondering this more but my first thoughts…could regret be a stage of grief OR vise-versa? When does regret happen or how is it defined? Wishing you had handled something differently. Could it be seen as a loss of the potential you wish had happened? It almost feels like an opportunity to rewrite a story. How would you do it differently, if you could have a do-over? Is there any reason you couldn’t take a new path and end in the same place you would have had you done it as you wish you had? What would that path look like? How would you get there? I am visualizing a hike up a mountain and realizing, upon reaching the top, that I meant to be on the top of the mountain next door. I took a wrong turn. Does that mean I can’t still get there? It may mean hiking the saddle between, but usually doesn’t mean starting back at the trail head. What have I learned on this path that may benefit me in crossing over to the other peak? Maybe it is a timing thing? Too late to get the peak before the bad weather moves in (a total Colorado thing!) So is there any reason why you can’t head back down the mountain with the new knowledge gained from the first attempt and try again? There may be a valid reason. Maybe as they say that ship has sailed, but maybe in hindsight somewhere in the future you will realize it was what was meant to be. Have they ever had regrets to then in time, come back around and realize it worked out for the best? I know I have! So much here to get curious about! It is exciting. Thanks for bringing this into the conversation.
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Sheri – I have been work with a local organization that offers grief services to those who otherwise could not afford them in a collaborative effort for a project. Anyways, these questions were the focal point of our most recent exchanges. And I think that this, too, goes back to something Julie referred to in our initial discussions around defining grief. Currently, it sits something like an emotional bond between the griever and an absence. Through that lens, is it a part of grief or a byproduct? I get caught up (shocking, I know!!!) with the fun intellectualizing of this stuff. I almost used the term “minutiae” instead of stuff; but there’s nothing trivial about these processes. Maybe I’m guided, by your reply here, to an awareness that my tendencies to intellectualize actually creates the shift from significance to minutiae – in the way that repeating a word over and over again can lead to a loss of meaning…
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Sheri,
I love your sharing of a beautiful session. It was so great for me to hear you cried together. I have been wondering how I can stay so stoic and seemingly unattached when some people are talking and going through so much pain. For me, it didn’t seem human for me to not cry. Hearing your stories helped me with that limiting thought I was having as a coach. Especially with grief. It’s human for us to feel for others and human for us to cry with them. Thank you for your beautiful insights and words.
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SUMMARY POST:
And my LAST (I think) post! Bittersweet for sure.
Wow, similar to what Sheri mentioned on the grief process in finishing up EBI. What a journey it has been. I really love written words and expression, but for this time, I don’t have the ability to find the words for my experience. Grateful.
In grief – everyone is unique and different AND perfect. Grief for everyone is just like we all are – perfectly imperfect. And with imperfection comes the ability to let go of perfection. The tendency of coaches to “get it right” is able to go out the door. Simply holding space and continuously evolving the container and meeting our clients with their grief is the answer. Simply leaning into it, rather than away, is the answer. Unwavering support. Something every single one of us could use more often if you ask me.
What a beautiful way to end this part of the journey. In reflection and remembering how we are all grieving in some way.
xoxo
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Initial post
I haven’t coached anyone through a grief session so I will go with a hypothetical one. The client has all but lost her self employment job and is very uncertain of her future as covid continues. In addition to this she also had to put 2 of her dogs down just a few months apart, one just this past week.
I would start the session as usual with grounding to become present and would explain to my client that there is no “place to get to” in this session and that I am here to support her and hold space for her with whatever arises for her and share with her about communal and cummulative grief.
I would ask her if there is any specific way I can help her right now, like maybe to share some stories of her dogs if she felt comfortable and wanted to do so, or just listen gin so she can process. I’d also share the take the time it takes statement with her too as I think in particular with pets many people hear the “it’s just a dog”
More in regards to Covid and her job I would ask her how she feels and we would talk about resourcing and grounding since I really feel this is where nature fits into the grieving process, as well as with the cycle of change.
I think the challenge I would face in a grief session is trying to help and make suggestions, but I also know that i can hold space to just listen and support the client which is what they need, and that I don’t need to get anywhere in this coaching session, which was a little confusing during the intensive but now I know it’s another tool to add to our tool box as well rounded coaches. I really liked the Changing for good book and how it talks about how an ending is the beginning and feel this really speaks to how grief isn’t just about a loss of a human or an animal, but a way of life, what may never be, a job, a relationship, etc.
This toolbox is very helpful in knowing that sometimes we just need to be there with the client in the moment with nowhere to go and that grief comes in many forms. -
Taylor I totally agree about metaphors in nature as maybe being a sign from loved ones and how impactful that could be for a client, and appreciate you mentioned giving a client permission, I’d forgotten that. Saying it’s ok to cry or be mad or whatever, that they are in a safe space to just be and fell what ever they need to.
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Sheri I’ve totally felt the same about this being our last toolbox in the program, and trying to avoid it too to some extent I think.. Maybe that’s why I hadn’t posted here until now? And loved your butterfly metaphor! With having a box of tissue ready- yes! And reminded me that we as coaches can show our feelings too, just don’t become enmeshed and why I like to start with grouping at the beginning of each session because I need to be too. I love the idea of using the energy work from Gunnison during these difficult social distancing times! Typing that made me think of setting boundaries and how with grief society puts boundaries on how we are “supposed” to grieve, and how and when and with whom yet it’s not all cookie cutter like that
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Sheri your response on regret brought up for me that yes I’ve had regrets, and yeah that definitely feels like a form of grief, AND that all the things I’ve gone through in life have brought me to this moment and I am thankful, and that regret dissipates. But not to say that to a grieving client obviously.
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Summary post-
As has been said, bittersweet to be ending this program on the topic of grief and writing this post. Tears are falling, there’s a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach and I’m ok to say that here because as coaches we create a safe, sacred space, a container where thoughts, emotions and feelings can flow, either big or small, pretty or “ugly”. We make sure our clients feel held, heard and supported, while being human ourselves. We may share with them, invite them to participate in exercises that we have learned about here and that we know are tried, tested and true. We all have grief and that just another thing that connects us. Looking at the tasks of mourning I look forward to staying connected with all of you and EBI “in the midst of embarking on a new life”. Grief is a cycle of life, a cycle of nature and as with all that we’ve learned here we as coaches, we are here to guide our clients in the moment and through this cycle as they lead the way.