-
Working with Trauma Discussion 1/14 – 1/25/19
-
7 Replies
-
Hi Lauren and Amanda, My apologies for the technological issues with this course, Brain 1 and Trauma, from the beginning! Here is the new forum for Trauma specific posts. Very best, Ivy
-
Initial Post
So I think in the Brain 1 section I posted about trauma, so here I will write about the Brain 1 intensive. During this intensive we learned about how the brain and the mind are different. The brain is essentially a computer that keeps all of our experiences, knowledge and resources filed away whereas the mind uses our experiences and feelings to create what we believe is truth. Whatever feelings we had in the past during a certain experience gets stored in our brains. When we go through an experience that either a) reminds us of a past experience or b) the same feeling occurs, we create a story due to what we think happened. What we think is important flows into our consciousness and the things we don’t find as important gets stored in our brains. Nonetheless, even if we don’t find things as “important” something can happen where the unimportant memory can show up. It’s something we didn’t even know we knew. I think that’s how the brain and mind shows up when trauma comes into our consciousness, they work together to see what we store and what we keep into our consciousness.
The mythic image is the story that we create for ourselves and I’ve noticed when dealing with one of my clients (and myself!) that the story has limited them from doing what they wanted to do. She made it mean that the break up meant that she was unlovable, wasn’t worthy of love and has issues of accepting love from her partner. As a coach, I’ve held space for her to be where she’s at and she’s come up with mantras regarding love. I told her that to believe what she does now, her mind had to program this myth. So the same goes to reprogramming it for the belief that she is worthy of love. -
Response:
Hey Amanda! Yes the brain is a crazy and amazing thing. It also has been eye opening learning more about how the brain functions and working with that for myself as well as with clients. I think the more we educate ourselves with this, the better we will be as coaches to help our clients work through some serious and sometimes debilitating situations. As a coach, it’s great that you are able to hold space for your client to process what they are going through, as well as offer some tools for her to work with. I believe that the reprogramming part is where the meat is. How did you suggest she do this? I feel like this can be a long practice for our clients and takes significant reflection on their part, as well as follow-up by the coach. How is that reprogramming going for her? -
Initial Post:
Working again with my client Nicole, presents several ways for me to practice working with a client with trauma.
Quick background related to this session for Nicole:
She was married to a man who was an addict and a father (not her child). He was constantly aggressive, in and out of addiction, violent and emotionally abusive. She talks a lot about staying with him because of his son, that she had basically become a mother to (birth mother was out of the picture). She wanted to give the child a life that he deserved, even if that meant essentially going through hell to be there for him.
Nicole had gone on a date the night before we had our session (one of her notoriously bad dates). When she came over she was visibly upset. She said it was their first date (met on Tinder), and went out for dinner. She said that he ‘looked kind’ and they seemed to have a lot in common prior to meeting. As their dinner continued, he talked about his divorce with his ex-wife and how their child had died in a pool drowning. He clearly was coming from and dealing with a very traumatic situation. Nicole felt sad for him and tried to be supportive as he talked about his past, but then he started talking about how he thought his wife had been cheating on him and how it was her fault that their son died because she ‘wasn’t paying attention’. He then started talking to Nicole in a very odd way, saying things like ‘are you a cheater? you look like you could be a cheater? no bitch is gonna do that to me again. I hope you don’t want kids because i would never trust a woman with a child of mine ever again.’
Personally, I can’t imagine listening to this guy for more than a few minutes..especially on a first date. Long story short, Nicole ended up leaving the date in tears. She said she couldn’t believe that this guy would present like he did on a first date. She also talked about how triggered she was by the way he spoke to her, and that it reminded her of her ex. She said she would never be with someone who treated her or spoke to her like that, and if he was like that on a first date, then he could only be worse as time went on.
At this point she was in tears. I thought about trying to ground her and to bring her back to the present moment. I focused on finding some resources like Katie Asmus talked about, in order to move Nicole away from the feelings she was feeling the night before. With this, I had her focus on Internal Resourcing. I wanted her to come up with things about herself that she liked, felt good about, and offered the world (in how she presents and in relationships with family, friends and partners). She was able to dismiss the feelings that this guy made her feel about herself and the connection with her ex whom also made her feel bad about herself. She came up with some really great resources, and as she talked about them, she started to show some joy in talking about herself (a huge struggle).
I reminded her that recognizing the sensation and feeling the sensation of what she doesn’t like or want in her life is important. And if she is able to do that, she can not only neutralize her emotions around that, but also stand firmer in her beliefs of what she wants, needs and deserves from others.
This will be an important exercise to do with Nicole moving forward because she has experienced a lot of trauma in her life, and unfortunately she has defined herself by it and lives her life expecting to have tumultuous and dramatic relationships. This goes hand in hand with Brain work as well. -
Lauren thank you for giving such a detailed description of what Nicole was going through. I love that you pulled in Katie’s exercise and asked Nicole what qualities she likes about herself. Isn’t it so interesting that we have to rewire our brain and remind ourselves what greatness we all bring to the table? Negative thoughts are easier to come to our minds. I’m wondering what happened after that exercise with Nicole, what did the integration moving forward look like? You’re great at bringing people back to the present moment and creating a safe space for them. Can’t wait to hear about later sessions with Nicole!
-
Summary
Something that I found incredibly profound about this intensive was that my consciousness wasn’t aware of what my brain was doing to protect me from my trauma. That is something that really stuck out to me; the brain and mind are different. I used those words interchangeably throughout my life without realizing that they are actually different. Although we can be so conscious of what happens around us, we will never pick up everything in our conscious state. Nonetheless, the brain has it all stored away and can bring something to our consciousness, even if we didn’t know it was there before. When we were learning about trauma and fight, flight or freeze, I finally got why I was in freeze mode and I understand my body so much more than I did a year ago. I understand what’s coming up for me and am able to communicate with my body and my mind so much easier, instead of resenting and resisting myself for shutting down or being the way I am – there’s so much more space and ease with all of my complexities.
When it comes to clients, I feel that creating the distinction between the mind and the brain are important and to acknowledge what the person is going through is real for them. What happened for them might not be what actually happened but since they are in this perception,it’s important as a coach to guide them through what is real for them, what their brain and mind are telling them about the experience and help them discover what they can do to move through the issue. We learned so many great exercises in the module and it was one of the most profound weeks of my life. -
Summary
It really is crazy how much trauma can affect a person’s life in the moment, and potentially a lifetime. A book that we read, ‘The Neurobiology of We’ by Daniel Seigel, really stood out for me in the connection of trauma and brain change. This intensive really hit home for me and brought up a lot on a personal level. I literally had been living my life for the past 20 plus years, thinking my life was what it was because i had endured traumatic events, and I thought that was just how life was because of them! Wow! What a way to live…not really taking responsibility for your present life and future! It is so easy to believe that your life is the way it is because that’s what you deserve. Unfortunately, so many people focus on the negative aspects, that they don’t believe change is possible. “I will never get married because I’m always attracted to the losers that want to stay single and not really show me any love and affection. It’s just always how it goes.” Or, “I will never make enough money in this city and I probably won’t get promoted because I’m a woman.”
When you change your outlook and perspective, along with the language of self-love, the sky is the limit! You change it to, “I know what I want and deserve from someone, and I’m not willing to accept anything less.” and “Of course I’m going to get the promotion. I’m the most educated, experienced, bad-ass woman here.”
I remember this story in ‘The Neurobiology of We,’ where a young woman was in a relationship with a guy that ended up cheating on her. He drove a specific blue car, and any time she saw that type of car, she immediately was brought back to how she felt when they broke up. Even though it was highly unlikely that it would be him driving the car as she passed, her reaction was as if she was reliving it all over again. It wasn’t until she rewired her brain to have a different response when she saw that type of car, that she was able to move on from the trauma. I actually used this exercise and it worked. Using this practice in different aspects of my life, has literally changed it.
When working with a client around trauma, I feel that it is most important to create space for them. Sometimes all they need is that space to start to unpack it all. I think that you need to be sensitive to your client, but not let them get lost in their story. Recognize the trauma and pinpoint how it affects their reactions and behaviors. Then introduce them to exercises that will create the change in their brain. It could be something that is a life-long practice, but I believe it’s worth it.
