Allyson Duffin-Dalton
Forum Replies Created
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I find it hard to be open about past traumas lately. It almost seems that when someone mentions a trauma they endured, someone else wants to say “Ya well, I had THIS happen.”
Trauma isn’t black and white, it isn’t a big fish little fish, who had the worst, who suffered the most, who is still messed up from it. Trauma is. it just *is*.
Everyone handles trauma differently and deserves the space to do so. Trauma also comes in many shapes and sizes, like global (the pandemic), community (The Joplin, MO tornado that happened on May 22, 10 years ago), and personal (my cat has just been diagnosed with diabetes, and he was inseparable with our pup that passed away who had diabetes last year.)
Trauma can manifest in many ways and show many symptoms like being physically ill and needing mental health intervention.
When I was 11 I broke my jaw. It was never fixed and healed incorrectly, so overtime I have been wearing away the cushion that lines my jaw joint. Last year (2020) I rebroke it at work. This caused significant trauma to rebloom and hinder my mental capacities and I understood that I would require extensive surgery to repair my jaw. I am still dealing with this trauma, but I recognize that others have it worse, they just don’t have a right to tell me they do.
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I enjoyed this section but also found it very difficult. I’ve never enjoyed science and always had a difficult time understanding the terminology. I do better with diagrams and images than words and definitions. This portion of EBI is one that I’ll need to watch multiple times, because honestly I lost a lt of what I should have learned by being confused on all of the scientific terms.
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Accepting that change is happening is a big step for some people. Change is, after all, constant.
I had a hard time accepting that I could be the one instituting change, and that it didn’t need to be such a difficult transition. Setting a goal, creating a plan, and having the support to institute the change are important, and I’ve learned how to work with those steps to help clients.
I learned why my method for instituting change hasn’t work. It’s a difficult process that has failed me for many years and now that I’m aware of the correct steps to take I’m prepared for actual change. I’ve begun correcting past behavior, thoughts, actions and responses that would have been second nature and replacing or training myself to have a different response.
Life would be much easier if I didn’t need to do these things and if I already knew the right way to act or be, but I’m on this journey now and I’m prepared to reach my destination.
I have learned so much during this week that it’s actually kind of hard to verbalize it, and easier to recognize it. I worked with a client during last weeks practice session that mentioned the change model. Before she even said I was thinking “This chick is in contemplation stage.”
Being a part of someone’s change and having them allow you witness their transition is a wonderful experience.
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I have thought that partswork was magical from the moment that we were taught it. I love sharing the information with others and when I see someone online that seems to be struggling with a big change/decision in their life I try to explain it to them.
I tried to work on how I would explain partswork to a client that I’m currently working with but haven’t yet gotten to that point in our relationship. It’s difficult, IMO, to explain to someone that we are not just one person, but dozens/hundreds/thousands/millions of different versions of ourselves, that we all work together, or against each other, to get to a goal. Some versions of ourselves are against a goal and should be given the same amount of time and space to explain their reasoning as the versions of us that are for a goal. Our parts are extensions of who we are, they are special and carry out so much of our day if we let them.
I have fought with many parts because I didn’t want to accept and embrace them, but they were the ones that deserved the most attention. Had I accepted my “groomer” part sooner, I may have started my business sooner, left a toxic work place sooner, and enjoyed being my own boss and providing the proper care to animals sooner.
Working with my parts has also helped me determine who is actually a part, and who is an interject. Turns out, I have a lot of them. I used to feel immature or weak when I acted like a child, when I craved attention or intimacy from my husband or when wanted to cry and yell instead of just solving my problem. What I realize now is that had my upbringing been different, had these issues been corrected when I was young and vulnerable and impressionable, I may not need so much extensive work on myself, my inner child.
My inner child is roughly 7 years old. That’s when I can remember being shamed by my family and refused basic needs like bandaids (I have dermatillomania) or time with my mother. I was “gifted” toys and played sports as a way to justify not having my parents around, so I still struggle with feeling abandoned and extra needy sometimes. I don’t like asking for help because as a child I had to do everything on my own so I still assume it’s going to be the same.
Obviously things aren’t the same. I have a husband that has been so incredibly supportive and forgiving, my pets provide me with more love and affection than my mother ever did, and i have the strength to carry on. Mentally though, I’ve built up these patterns that will take time to reroute.
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Being in this group has been such a magical, wild, wonderful and endearing ride. To see each of our changes and chart our growth, witnessing it for everyone feels so empowering. I feel so lucky to be here and hold these relationships for life. The education I’ve gained has been invaluable. Even if I don’t pursue being a full time coach, I have the knowledge and it has changed me.
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Meeting with the client I am talking about was during our week of class. My windows were open and the sound of birds was ringing through our ears. <div>
*What steps did you take to
establish the Coaching Relationship and focus the session?When I start a session I always ask what it felt like to be them when they woke up this morning. I feel that it helps them focus and think about something easy and simple. This has helped tremendously to circle back when a client starts getting overworked or stressed out, or losing focus.
*How did or could Long-Term
Coaching fit into your nature-connected coaching session?I really enjoyed doing the totem exercise with my client. I have a very vivid imagination and really enjoyed painting a picture with my client of her parts and the roles that they play in their nature vision.
*How did or could you
collaborate with Nature and combine Long-Term Coaching and
Nature-Connected Coaching principles?The scene that my client and I worked through was beautiful. We saw the animals, trees, clouds, and other natural aspects through the totem exercise. I find myself doing this alone now and can’t wait to work on it with more clients. I felt like I was in the forest, walking right behind my clients Bull and Wolf, steering clear of the Sand Pit and looking for the Wise Woman Tree. This project between us felt so real and detailed, I felt so connected and like my client and I had reached a new level of our coaching relationship, like we had moved toward a bigger and greater expanse of what we are teaching each other.
*What challenges did you face?
How did you adapt?Sometimes when I try something new it doesn’t land. I try not to dwell on that and instead just move on. I don’t want my client to feel like they have to cater to me or answer/participate in something that doesn’t work for them. When my client seems to avert from a line of questioning, I make note and try to understand if they were uncomfortable because they weren’t ready to go there or because the question didn’t mean anything to/for them. Sometimes this happens with my client, but I don’t take offense. I’ve often found that when we work together, I’m more of a sounding board and someone that she can bounce ideas off/plan her next steps with.
*What flowed and how did you
build off it?I noticed that the totem exercise was really bringing out the creativity and imagination for my client. She seemed very accepting of the path that we were on so I continued pushing and asking questions about who her parts were and what role they would play in a situation. I remembered from a past session that one of her parts was a cloud, so I brought that in and helped connect more of her parts to nature.
*What did you learn about
yourself and nature-connected coaching?I am nature, and she is me. We work together through our common placements and experiences. I enjoy coaching, and before every session I am nervous and excited, but when I have the opportunity to incorporate nature into the work I feel relief and energy begin to flow toward the path that I should be on.
Coaching has become a way of life for me. I have been introduced to a new way of living, being and interacting with people. I’ve discovered that there is a better way to talk, listen and engage.
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Amber,
I love that you had a session without it being “coachy” but still offered guidance. I think we get caught up in feeling like we need to hit every CC during a session, but instead we can offer insightful and conversation in a judgement free zone. That was also a great idea to offer to your client about including a therapist in your work together, the more people in someone’s corner the better.
Like Leslie said, offering resources as a self care routine was super valuable. I hope your client continues with that!
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Leslie,
Working with a client in the here and now, having them handle the present and coming up with a plan or resource for when a situation arises is a great idea. I read somewhere that having a therapist is like like learning the tools you need to keep you safe until you can get back to them, something about being on a dark and deserted road when your car breaks down with no one to call for help, you have the knowledge and tools to stay safe until daylight comes with a ride.
I’ve often wondered about the healthcare and frontline workers during this pandemic, who are they turning to and how are they getting help. I’m glad to hear that you’re there for them.
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Sophie,
This sounds really interesting! Do you have any recommendations as far as books go for how to learn more about this?
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Jen,
WOW! A’s journey with you has been incredible. I love the idea of returning emotions back to the person that they “belong” to, and will likely start incorporating that into my own journey.
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Thanks for sharing this Sophie! It appears we have the same questions about our mandala/parts. Who I default to is a big question I have myself, and often struggle trying to figure out if I revert to one part or if there is another part that I’m missing.
I also have tried reorganizing my mandala a few times, it seems to help and I think mine just needs constant feng shui movement to keep the peace.
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Jen, this is such a special read. Thank you for sharing!
When I read your line about grieving but not knowing what for, it reminded me of a line I read somewhere, “When someone asks why you’re sad, tell them a friend died, and when they ask who, say I don’t know, they could have been a friend.”
It amazing the impact that this program has had on us, the growth that we’ve experienced and the loss that we’ve sustained at the same time.
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Jen,
It really is so amazing to witness someone’s growth over time. I’m very grateful to have been put with this group of people that were able to witness my own growth, and facilitate change with me. You are such a great person and helped me see myself, I can imagine being a longterm client of yours, I’m sure it’s great!
It sounds like you and your client have put in some serious work, and I’m sure she feels incredibly grateful. I love the bit of her having new glasses to see through, I think that always helps to imagine something like that.
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Sophie,
These are all really great points about our journey here.
I hope I didn’t offend you when I said that I couldn’t afford you! I’m sorry if I did, truly. The work that you are willing to put in for your clients to guide them is tremendous, and you deserve that amount. You are a skilled coach, nurse, educated, empathetic, and connected with nature and anyone that works with you will be rewarded. The price point is what they are willing to pay to make the change that they cannot do on their own.
As a new business owner, I want to please everyone. I want everyone to be able to afford me and I want to help all of the dogs/cats. The problem of affordability isn’t mine, it’s theirs. When a potential client says I’m too expensive or they can do it on their own, my internal question is “Why don’t you do it then?” Obviously their ability to perform the task has been underwhelming otherwise they wouldn’t be contacting me. When I look at everything I do for my clients, the products I use, my time and gas, my knowledge, my patience, my love and understanding, I value myself highly because I know what I’m worth. I hope you know that you’re worth all of that and some.
For what it’s worth, when you told me that my prices were exceptionally low, I realized that I didn’t value myself. You’ve helped me understand that my knowledge alone is worth more than what I had quoted you.
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Sul, your line “That the “knowing field” will show up and support my client and I get to be the lucky witness to it. There is something “shamanistic” about this work. It is undeniable. I call it magic.”
That is truly how I feel too! I feel nervous as well heading into a session, thinking if I have enough knowledge to get through the session let alone a few months worth. If I can help them/guide them in this journey for long enough for them to get their feet back under them or begin to swim instead of tread. It really is magic how all of us wound up here and found our calling to guide/coach, that we are here because we’re helpers and that this magic chose us to be the carriers of itself. We’re witnessing magic because we get to share it.
Your story of working with your client as he found his Artist again was beautiful. I’m glad the physical mandala worked for him!