[Amber McCormick]

PW2 SUMMARY- My biggest takeaways from this module are:

The effect of self-care and grounding on the process of partswork and my curiosities around watching how these affect my clients’ parts

Partswork is deep inner transformational work, including radical acceptance and self-compassion. I think this sums up why I am so drawn to partswork. It is the exact goal of my clients. My ideal clients are people who have lost connection to themselves or can’t trust themselves due to various, usually traumatic, life experiences. From the moment I learned about partswork, I knew intuitively that this would be powerful stuff for them. This conversation allowed me to get some clarity and verbage around why I have felt that from the start.

The importance of using the tools that resonate with our coaching styles, as well as what is comfortable for our client.

Something I didn’t share in my other posts that I wanted to comment on here for future use and in case it is helpful for others in their use of partswork… I’ve now gone through two modules of partswork and the partswork deep dive. Through all of that I struggled to connect with my inner child part. After doing some trauma work, I had a huge lightbulb moment. I couldn’t connect to my inner child because I had a very loud inner critic. I didn’t have the self-compassionate voice yet, so the inner child did not feel safe to reveal herself. Once I worked on the inner critic and built up my compassionate voice, I was able to connect with my inner child. This may be helpful to keep in mind if we have clients who can’t connect with their inner child, especially if we suspect childhood trauma.

[Amber McCormick]

PARTSWORK 2 INITIAL- I recently had a client express interest in bringing partswork into our coaching sessions. We haven’t held a true partswork session yet, but I will speak to how we are starting and how I am supporting her because the situation is a bit unique. This is the same client I wrote about for long-term coaching. Her situation has become such that she is in urgent need of leaving her job, while also being in the middle of a long-term plan to start her own business. We are pivoting in our work to address this urgent hurdle of the hostile work environment to get her into a safer situation, and then will return to our long-term goal of discovering what she wants to create for a business and then how to make it happen.

My client is not spiritual, so I had to frame the partswork model in a way that didn’t get into spirit much. She does believe that we are all connected and she feels intuition, so I’m confident that this will still be powerful for her. Our current situation is that she needs out of her current work environment ASAP and I am only around for another week and a half before a 2 week wilderness immersion trip. I understand her urgency and also recognize my inability to be present with her. To resolve this, we had a lengthy discussion about partswork. I followed up with a summary email, breaking down how we to get started. Her homework is to start identifying her parts. As we know, this is an ongoing process, and I believe her heightened emotional state might make this a bit more challenging. I emphasized that the list doesn’t have to be perfect and that it will evolve over time. I also emphasized that she doesn’t need to identify all the parts yet- this too will show itself over time. I also gave examples about what are parts and what are not parts. Her other assignment was to create a jamboard for us to use in our sessions.

Since I only have one session with the client before I leave, we aren’t going to dig into the parts yet. I am going to introduce the mandala activity so she can practice watching for activated parts, and if nothing else, practice intention setting for how she wants the energy to flow through her system. Part of our discussion was around if we can do this work or if she should work with a therapist instead. We came to an agreement on working together and she knows that if it pushes the bounds of my training I will recommend we work with a therapist as well. Though perhaps unconventional, I think this is a wise approach so she can become a little more comfortable with her parts, do something to make progress while I am away, and without opening her up in ways that may bring up bigger issues. The last thing I want to do is have a significant issue arise and then not be around for 2-3 weeks to support her in her process.

[Amber McCormick]

LTC SUMMARY- My biggest take-away from this module is finding the balance between my coaching style and a long-term coaching model that feels good for my client. Everyone is different and therefore will be drawn to different ways of going through the work. Additionally, I know that I’m never going to be a one-size-fits-all coach. My unique coaching style is what will bring my ideal clients to me and I’m doing my clients a disservice if I’m not being authentic in my coaching style. That being said, my clients aren’t one-size-fits-all either, and so some flexibility and individualization is important when creating a long-term coaching plan.

Additionally, I feel more and more drawn to 4 Shield’s work. If I choose to adopt this model, I can still use it with clients who may not resonate with the style. I don’t have to tell them I am using it, but I can use it as a method of tracking them to evaluate where they are in the process of change and to indicate what might help them get unstuck.

[Amber McCormick]

LTC INITIAL POST- My practice client has been with me for about 5 months now, so we already have a bit of a long term coaching relationship. One thing I have become aware of is that it has been difficult to keep things moving toward her goals because we tend to go in a different direction week to week. I’ve noticed that when she comes with a clear goal or intent for the session, we get a lot done and she feels like progress is made. When she doesn’t come prepared, it’s more of a meandering session. She reports that she still gets a lot out of it, so I do think I’m holding the container she needs, it’s just not cohesive with the rest of her process.

Recently, she reached out to me because she’s overwhelmed and her work has become a hostile environment. She’s known for a while that she wants to leave her job and start her own business utilizing her art or photography, but she’s not sure what that looks like yet. I had previously come up with a long-term plan to target discovering her innate gifts, what she wants to get out of her work, and what she needs financially to live the life she envisions. This plan was in line with the Transformational Learning Process, or Wheel of Transformation, of discovery, knowing, becoming, then living.

Now that her urgency has shifted, we discussed shifting her goals as well. It’s apparent that she needs an interim solution to buy her time for us to do the deeper work we had previously agreed on. As a guide, I recognize that we can’t get through the Wheel of Transformation if she is stuck in survival mode. Therefore, we are going to address the threat (hostile work environment) to get her to a solution that is “good enough for now”. Once she feels like she has more control over her safety, we will get back to the process of discovering, knowing, becoming, and living.

[Amber McCormick]

GRIEF SUMMARY POST- My takeaways from grief are:

• Grief is a process that requires time. “If you take the time it takes, it takes less time”
• Grief is uniting, however our response to grief can be either uniting or alienating
• Grief is complex and is different for everyone
• Don’t be afraid about talking about thoughts of suicide. It could save someone’s life.
• The gift of presence and acceptance of people and their emotions when they are in grief. It is truly priceless, especially in a society that, in general, lacks these skills
• Remembering that grief isn’t typically something we are expecting as we enter sessions with our clients. It’s important to remember to listen for it, so we can be present and hold the space that our client needs when it arises.

[Amber McCormick]

GRIEF INITIAL POST- A client that I’ve been working with since February reached out (outside of regular coaching) because she is having a hard time emotionally. We hadn’t met in a while and she was trying to decide if she wanted to work with me or if she needed to work with a therapist. I scheduled a free consultation with her so we could figure out what she needs. As we were talking, it became clear that a big part of her work right now is around grief. She has been through two significant deaths (partner and parent), a serious injury, and the pandemic in just two years. In addition, she’s entering a new phase of life that is creating grief around “what could have been” and things she had envisioned for her life.

Even though this wasn’t a true coaching session, I would reflect her share and my understanding back to her. I could tell we were attuned because the more accurate I was able to reflect her situation, the more emotional she became. Throughout our conversation, I acknowledged the significance of all of her losses, normalizing them, and giving her permission to give them space to grieve them. It was clear that what she needed most at the moment was to feel seen and understood.

As we return to a new normal after the pandemic, I believe my client is entering the disorganization phase of grief. The timeline of her losses were such that there was no true recovery time between each one. From what she has shared with me, it sounds like she would get through the “shock/protest” stage and the next loss would hit before she’d get too deep into disorganization, though I think she did experience it some. Now that there has been time after all the events, going back to the old ways is stirring a lot within her. From my perspective, it appears that she is now deep in the disorganization stage.

At one point, my client did acknowledge that she has been having thoughts of self-harm and suicide. I am so grateful for our discussion during the intensive on this topic. It gave me the confidence to ask her directly if she wanted to die or if she didn’t want to live (this particular question may have come from a book I read about questing). We talked about her thoughts of self-harm more and I feel confident that it’s part of the grief. I didn’t get any indication that she had plans or that she would act on it. She shared that she was trying to get in with a psychiatrist to adjust some medications and she has been great about reaching out during struggle, so I am not concerned about this being an emergency at this time. I have communicated to her that she is always welcome to reach out if she is in crisis and we have talked about crisis hotlines (she works in a similar field so she understands the help available). Without our discussion during the grief module, I’m not sure I would have responded as directly to obtain clear information about her level of safety.

[Amber McCormick]

SUMMARY POST- My biggest takeaways from this discussion are the importance of the coaching vs therapy talk and the difference between resourcing and relaxing.

Previously, I found the conversation around bringing in a therapist daunting and uncomfortable. Now that I have had a little practice, I’ve found that it’s fairly easy to bring this conversation in at the beginning of the coaching agreement. I’ve found that sharing my process with the client (to be sure we are a good fit) is a great way to pull in the difference between coaching and therapy, and thus that leads gently into the conversation around inviting a therapist into the process if needed. Since many of my clients have been through a lot of emotional trauma, I’m pleased to have found my way with this sooner than later.

Thinning about the differences between resourcing and relaxing is an important distinction. To me, relaxing tends to be somewhat dissociative, maybe not completely dissociative, but unlikely to be fully present in the moment like with resourcing. Resourcing on the other hand is more of a mindfulness practice. It is a great support for the nervous system when trauma is overwhelming but also seems to have a place in self-care and building self-compassion and resiliency.

[Amber McCormick]

Gina, you bring up a great point here around self-care, groundedness, and the level of activation of parts. There are a few things that come to mind. One being how self-care affects the parts. It would be interesting to explore which parts become more activated when self-care is missing. I imagine that there are a few that become more activated to try to keep things together. I think this would be especially interesting with clients who are parents, or struggle with codependendancy, as they would be the likely ones to put everyone’s needs above their own. Which parts become activated? What is it’s role- is it to fight for their need for self-care, or is it a busy, overworking, logical part trying to keep all the plates spinning (like her list maker)? What is this dynamic informing the system?

The other point that really struck me is around groundedness and effect of us helping clients center and ground at the start of a partswork session. I can see this being useful in a few ways. If the client is really overwhelmed, especially if they can easily access their part, I can see grounding as a helpful way to keep them in an optimal arousal state so that coaching is effective. On the other hand, if it’s a client that isn’t in overwhelm and if they have a hard time accessing their parts, then I would think it would be beneficial not to ground so they could connect to the activated part to get into the system.

Thank you for bringing these ideas forward. They both make me very curious as a guide to watch these dynamics in my clients in my work with them.

[Amber McCormick]

Leslie, this is such valuable personal insight you have here. What I love about this program is the variety of tools we are taught. Every tool isn’t going to be a fit for every coach and recognizing what works and doesn’t work for you is such a gift for your clients. I’m sure they will feel the disconnect if we try to use a tool we aren’t comfortable with. I am personally very drawn to partswork and my ideal clients have personality traits that are very introspective and they process deeply (and aren’t afraid of it). So, I think partswork is a good fit for many of them. Gestalt, on the other hand, is too intense and “in your face” for my coaching style. Similar to what you mentioned with partswork, I see gestalt helpful in deepening my listening as I watch clients body language while we interact. Thank you for your authenticity in sharing that partswork doesn’t feel like a great fit for you as a coach. It brought a lot of clarity to me around which tools resonate with my coaching style and which do not..

[Amber McCormick]

Maria, I am a bit late in these responses, so I am curious if you reached out to her to reset and make a long-term plan? I wonder if the idea of a fresh start with a long-term plan would re-ignite your client’s hope and motivation? I know for me, when I have a goal and I’m not making much progress, I feel like a truck stuck in the mud, spinning my wheels, but just getting deeper into the mud and more stuck. I’m curious if this could be a useful way to reset with a client and would love to hear your experience if it’s something you tried with her.

Thinking about what you shared about the client not being able to take action makes perfect sense when I look at the 4 Shields diagram in our handbook. If she’s stuck in the south, the diagram says “to move: practice reflection”. I notice that “taking action” is how to move from the west to the north. What’s additionally interesting to me is that I recently went on a wilderness quest, and the program I participated in used the 4 Shields model. I learned from them (at least I don’t recall this in our class, if it was said, my apologies to Michael) that when we are stuck in a shield the medicine is in the opposite shield, however we can’t jump across the shield and we have to move through the next shield to get there. To me, this matches with her inability to take action. Taking action would be skipping over the west shield.

Your experience with this client really helped me in thinking more deeply about the 4 Shields model. Thank you for sharing!

[Amber McCormick]

David, your clients shock at how much you picked up on that she didn’t think she shared is a true testament to your deep listening skills. Nicely done! I am very drawn to the 4 Shields model and I have also experienced the “aha” you shared about clients seeking guidance. I’ve also used this with myself when I feel stuck. Whatever the “complaint” is, I can usually find it in the negative context of the wheel.

I also wanted to acknowledge your courage in reaching out to your client. Your willingness to approach someone in this manner is inspiring. Thank you for sharing this part of the story!

[Amber McCormick]

Matt, this is beautiful. Thank you for these words and sharing your heart. ***grabbing the tissues….***

[Amber McCormick]

Matt, what really struck me about your reflection was around your comment “That the elements of loss are uniting”. As someone who is highly in touch with their emotions and emoting them (shocking I know…), my view on emotions is that they are what make life beautiful. Even the uncomfortable ones, especially grief. I see grief and other overwhelming emotions as an expression of our humanness and connection. We experience grief because we have loved- whether it was a person or a dream. We have grief because there was something beautiful we were holding onto that is now gone. To me this is the most human and touching part of living, and it’s why I enjoy working with my ideal clients. It also reminds me that on the other side of grief is hope and love of or for something or someone new, which will likely start its own cycle into grief one day. It’s become clear to me that grief is integral to the human experience.

I also appreciated the reminder about clients getting stuck in the story. At times, I can be a bit critical of myself if I “let” the client continue in the story. While it is helpful to find ways to encourage them out of the story, I am also seeing this through a different lens. Part of meeting a client where they are at may mean being stuck in the story with them. I don’t want to encourage them deeper into the story, however, I am realizing that if they are stuck in the story, it’s not necessarily a reflection of my abilities as a coach. Thank you for pointing this out.

[Amber McCormick]

Kim, great observations and tracking where your client was at given her desire to be in a more problem solving mode. As we learned, there isn’t much room for us to guide them through growth when they are holding grief. It sounds like you were effectively attuned and capitalized on the abundant use of nature during your session. I’m curious if you had a conversation with the client about why you focussed on holding space for her rather than “making progress”. I find that sometimes it’s helfpul to reframe time in grief as long term progress since our society avoids grief and strong emotions at all costs. If you did have that conversation with her, do you recall how it went? Any lessons learned from it? It sounds like in general she was resistant to the idea of grief, so I’m curious about how that might have played out with someone who wasn’t receptive to calling it what it is. I also wanted to acknowledge your deep listening in noticing that! It’s a great reminder that we can hold some things for our clients without having to name them. In this case, it sounds like naming it may have disrupted the work.

[Amber McCormick]

Thank you for all this wonderful, thoughtful feedback! Yes, there is tons here to elaborate on and grow with. I think I planned and pulled this off in just a few days, so I kept it simple. Since then I’ve been thinking about it more and I want to turn it into a self-paced program on my website (and perhaps and occasional live offering). I will build more into it at that time and you presented some insightful things for me to think about for it.Thank you @sul !