[Analiese]

My Wander in the Shed:

I am currently working on a farm in Arkansas through the WWOOF. My hosts we will call Rusty and Mary. Other than care for animals and the garden, my biggest project has been the clean out of a shed that was filled with the family’s old items, relics, antiques, some junk, lots of clothes, tools and equipment. Over the years, I have worked hard to minimize my own belongings, to piece together what carries deep meaning for me, and to learn to say goodbye to that which does not bring joy or practical use. I have found that I’m quite good at sorting, organizing and assigning homes to my things, and have helped a number of friends do the same. I have always loved exploring new homes, new places, and I love to listen to people’s stories. When I was a little girl, I would love to go through my best friends bedrooms with them, looking at all their tiny trinkets, toys, and treasures. I have often dreamt of travelling through different homes, moving from place to place, finding clues and keys in each one. In my waking life, this tendency toward such curiosity has been challenging at times, and I have had to learn a lot about boundaries. That said, I have also listened deeply to many, many stories, and feel blessed to be someone that people open up to about things they may not share openly, including their supernatural stories and tales of magic.

The day I took this wander, I did so while working in Mary’s shed. It was a short wander that started with the questions: Why am I here and why am I drawn toward helping people clean and sort their belongings? What does this work mean for my life and career? When I began, I started by just noticing with a wider sense of vision and objective awareness, what my hands were doing and what my eyes were seeing. I saw pictures and took deeper looks at the stories of those pictures. I felt gratitude for being given the trust to see such intimacy of people who are practically strangers to me. I used my breath to help me go slow and mindfully. At some point I came across a picture of two young girls in cheer outfits. One was older than the other. There was another portrait of the younger girl. I placed them upright, carefully displaying them in the front of the shed. My attention continued to roam. At some point, I was really drawn to an old and gorgeous saddle. I smiled when I saw it was made in Texas. After a while, I began answering my questions. I am being shown that I am here to help a family work on something that feels overwhelming for them to face without help. I am a kind person, and they have chosen to trust me. I am so blessed by this. I saw a collage of Mary’s family before she was remarried to Rusty. It was a myriad of pictures showing their family travels. Their lives are so different now. Both remarried. She has told me that their separation was bitter. The frame was buried beneath piles of things that hadn’t been touched in some time. I found another picture of her from even longer ago. Her hair, cut short in a bob and dyed blonde, a huge contrast to the long braid that she now wears down her back. I teared up, because recently I cut all my hair, one evening after a difficult break-up, and found comfort in this picture of her, how time can do many things. Overall, I felt connected to the humanness in all of the stories that their belongings told.

At some point a little later, Mary stepped into the shed while I was working. She paused at the photographs of those girls and said: This is me! When I saw who she spoke of, it was the older of the two girls in cheer outfits. She got very still and quiet, and then said, this is my sister Tanya, who died tragically when we were young. I stopped working and faced her, giving my full and undivided attention. She continued to tell me the story of her niece, Tanya, who Mary’s mother had adopted when she was born, because her father, Mary’s older brother, was only 17 when Tanya was born. Tanya had been raised as Mary’s younger sister. One weekend, they took a trip to Georgia to visit some family. Mary was 15 and Tanya was 8 years old, the same age as my son, Oliver. During that trip, Mary and Tanya had been playing with a little boy across the hall from the apartment building where they stayed. At some point the little boy asked if Tanya could come see his cat. She went across the hall, and then Mary and her mother heard a gunshot. The little boy, maybe only 7 years old, had shot Tanya in the head and killed her. Mary saw her precious baby sister in a pool of blood. After that, Mary and her mother moved to a new state, Mary started a new school, and left the story behind. Her mother was forever depressed and closed, and Mary grieves it alone. She said that sometimes, she will sit and cry silently in a corner, but that she doesn’t often share that story. We cried and hugged and put Tanya’s picture back in the pillow case, where she wanted to keep protected, but out of sight. I suppose she doesn’t need to see the picture to be reminded of the story. I only hope that seeing it brought her some healing, even if just for a moment of not grieving Tanya’s death alone.

I am not sure how to say what role Nature played in this wander, but only because there is not a way I can separate any part of the story from its connection to nature. That said, I feel that because of having intentionally opened my heart and mind to the wander and to my connection with life, life responded by sharing this story. Mary lives off-grid on a farm full of animals, but distant from any city or social life. She has had many WWOOFers come help on her land, but I may be the first to take on the job of cleaning out her shed. She needs a place to groom her animals, to sew and wash, to quilt and make flower arrangements. I saw that need and responded when she explained her vision. I admit, it is not what I envisioned when we signed up to come work the land, but this wander showed me that my hands are valuable, no matter what work they do. With the intention to help, they will always help to heal. As for what it informs me about my career, I am unsure. My career often feels like a wander in itself. I wait for the signals, and trust when the time is right. It is never certain, the next steps are hardly clear, it is present focused and difficult to explain, especially in a world that is obsessed with tenure, security, and retirement plans. But it is deeply spiritual and fulfilling. The value and sacredness of the work I did that day may never have happened had I come here in search for job security. I came to work for room and board, to be out of the urban cesspools of Covid, to give my kid an opportunity to disconnect from his growing digital dependence, and affirm his love for animals. It was not for any money. Yet, I wonder, how could I make something like that into a living, so that my own basic needs are fulfilled? Well, this is a question for another wander..

[Analiese]

Objective awareness and Sacred Questions

From each space, sitting, conversing and working, I can sense a synchronicity when shifting into a state of objective awareness. I notice that it starts with wide angle vision and breath. Once there is an awareness of breath, there is an immediate awareness of tension in the body. The objective awareness gives the space to notice tension and begin to release, which is a practice in itself. Tensions are held differently depending on the circumstances. In my sit spot, the tension in my arched low back releases and my spine lengthens. The energy shifts to a more intentional and relaxed stillness, and I can feel where in my body I need to focus more deeply on release. What has been happening is that once I begin to release tension, my breath deepens, and my mental state deepens as well, bringing up what in my mental patterning needs changing. Staying with the practice of awareness shows me a path toward answering both questions: How can I create more of this in my life? And How can I heal this in my life?

While using objective awareness in conversation, I become aware of posture, as well as tension in the chest. With awareness, I am shown my own social discomfort and self consciousness. I notice myself breathing and releasing, and begin to use more whole body type listening. It is easy to get distracted and return to self consciousness. Breath, wide angle vision, and objective awareness bring me back to the intention of whole body listening. From that place, objective awareness teaches me to hold a place of extending greater understanding and compassion.

Work is the most challenging time to practice. There is always so much work, seeking work, scanning my mind and notes to make sure I’ve not missed any work, and then the labor itself absorbs me, like I have to reach the perfect stopping place to allow myself a break. I’ll give myself a goal, achieve it, but not practice a closure and will continue to the next thing. Many times I will be in a lot of pain, I may even be grumpy or angry, but will continue to work, suppressing my feelings, and giving in to obsessiveness. Work hardly ever feels complete. With awareness, there is a greater sense of trust, which shows me that I can actually take breaks and let my body rest, and then see my work more clearly after a moment’s break. Also the sense of awareness is teaching me to move slower and more methodically. To look up and notice my surroundings, listen to the birds and my own heart beat. The awareness shows me how fulfilling work can be, when done from a place of peace and not from a sense of obsession and attachment to minutia.

[Analiese]

In writing this essay, I am squeezing in a few moments between the end of the school and work day and the beginning of the evening routine, dinner, showers, clean up and bedtime stories. Tonight turned into him climbing the tree with his book and saying, goodnight, which ended with us both relaxing in the hammock under the full moon. Nature connection to me is experienced most when the day’s work is complete and I can relax with myself, my loved ones, and with my surroundings. I know my son feels most connected when he wanders freely around outside, discovering and creating all sorts of fascinating questions and curiosities, getting lost in time, absolved of any sense of self-consciousness, and humming his way through time and space. In these moments, he moves at his soul’s pace, and is in connection, uninhibited by the demands of school, chores, playmates, and familial expectations. In a way, it’s all I ever want myself. It’s the reason I wake up with the first bird in the morning. I want to sit and listen to the world wake up. I want to get all the work done, so that I can be at ease with the day and slip into some flow state, in which the soul’s pace takes over, and the mind, body, spirit connection synchronizes with that of my surroundings.

Truly, I feel best when purposefully connected with nature, with myself, and with our co-creation This often looks like physical labor, cooking, gardening or work around the house, but I feel most at ease when moving through the world with an adventurous mindset, even if that looks like laying in a hammock playing my ukulele. I believe playfulness is deeply connected to my personal dharma, which is why I love to teach and guide others. I want people to connect and have fun with their lives, so that they want to return again and again to their personal wakefulness game with gratitude and wonder. In this way, life is endlessly entertaining.

Like many of us, I am challenged daily to remain conscious of the connection. I juggle parenting, work, house and finances, self care, family and social gatherings, adventure, whatever else needs doing in the course of a day, month or year. You know the drill. It takes tremendous effort and organization, and as a single parent, my exposure to solitude and to the necessary resources for extended time in the outdoors is minimal. The most time I have ever spent away from my child was in the last two weeks when he had to quarantine with my parents. That said, he and I have gone on many camping, paddling and hiking adventures, and I look forward to his getting bigger and stronger so that we can go out for longer. This is my reason for signing up for this course. I always want to broaden our community of ecologically minded folks, so that we have more opportunity to experience the wild, and with a greater sense of safety and impact.

Every day, there is an anxiousness to quiet the chattering insecurities, the mental attachments to daily chores, fears, desires, tendencies toward perfectionism and escapism. This is the stuff that knocks me off my horse, and at the same time offers, again and again, an opportunity to hop back on! Spirituality and connection with nature has been a journey of discovering harmony for the chattering mind and the aching body. When I am outside of my home, car or other confine, I sense expansion and feel fully capable of traversing the Earth at a soul’s pace. The challenge is not an outdoor or an indoor one for me, but rather how to experience synchronicity, not only when at play, but also within the grind of completing the day’s work. The challenge is to stay tuned to his synchronicity as well, so as not to interrupt his personal flow of ease. There is no escape from parenthood, from modern life, from reality. Nature is everything, everywhere, and is a healing gift to us all. It is in the mastering of technology and in making space for kindness. It is making the friendship of the ego and the soul. Connection is moving our spirit beyond the walls of our physical,mental and technological manipulations, into a space of trust. To me, this is the key to the next phase of our existence.

As for a sacred question, my nearly 9 year old child has so many devices, for school, play, social connection. At times it feels absolutely necessary, and at others, completely indulgent and superfluous, and certainly draining psychologically and emotionally. With no social life right now and limited access to spending overnights in the wild (Texas is huge and most land is private), there is a great opportunity to live out the sacred question of what does this time mean for us? Within this technological burst into our evolutionary path, how can we learn to master our time so that we can master the external and internal balance of work, play and love?

Remembering my connection with nature is the truest of life’s guides. I teach yoga, love to dance, am fascinated with climbing rocks and paddling rivers. I walk and ride my bike as often as possible. I create somatic experiences for myself, and for the next 10 years, for my son and occasionally, for his friends and classmates. It is my responsibility to keep his connection to nature sacred and intact. Our bodies are built to achieve a level of mastery in mechanical functions. For those who are born with disabilities and illness, the able-bodied humans are responsible for giving care and compassion, and in return, those who live with illness give the gift of wisdom and resilience. We are built internally and intuitively to master the body, breath and brain. It takes practice, but life continuously gives us the opportunity to get on the horse and synchronize with the path, to build bodily and intuitive confidence, and to trust in the bounty of the Earth and the wisdom of the spirits. Nature connection is having a relationship with all parts of life and death.

The life of a parent right now is keeping us on our toes, bound by needs to feed, water and rest. This is education in itself for many working parents who are used to the daily grind of professionalism, childcare, rushed meals, and strict routines. At the same time, our kids are learning to move through the portals of online education. What about the people who still work outside of the home, and their children? The unknown of that feels doubly scary. Before the quarantine began, I was looking for full time work. I was trusting that summer camps would be open for children. I know I am not the only parent who relies on childcare during the summer. Yet, I know that those children, especially children with single parents, need to find their feet into boots and onto a beautifully wooded trail. Even more-so, they need to be on those trails with their parents, walking together and experiencing connection together.

I am here to build that. How do we make it easier? What can we do with schools and workplaces to give families paid time off to experience the wilderness together? This experience is vital to the healing of our familial culture here in the United States. Our families are broken, therefore are children are depressed, distracted, disassociated, and violent. Schools feel like prisons, as do careers, and prisons begin to feel comfortable. Families are at a loss, ask any teacher or school principal. When educators talk about the need to heal family systems, it begins with spending time together, without the stresses of money, and within the healing power of their connection to nature.