[Kent-Singing Panther]

Summary Post:

I think in supporting the grieving process, it’s more about who I am versus what I do or say. And that’s not something that can be taught, only practiced and lived out. There are no rules to grief and no time frame. Most people don’t know how to deal with grief so it gets handled in kind of a messy way, or not at all, and leaves those grieving in a chronic state of tension. And just like breathing, if grief is held and their is no release then their is no life. I don’t think we ever really “get over” death and the accompanying grief because it’s literally in our lives every waking moment whether we’re conscious of it or not. What I’ve learned is that when I am working with someone who is consciously grieving, I can be present with them and hopefully help them take another breath.

What I appreciated the most about Kim taught us is that whatever we are doing when we are grieving is EXACTLY what we are supposed to be doing. So if we’re crying and can’t talk, then we cry and don’t talk. If we’re numb and shut down, then we say it’s okay to be numb and shut down. The permission to grant ourselves and others that truth is invaluable and so opposite of what we’ve been taught or our own inclinations to help. To simply give someone space and hold that space for them in love is truly a gift of presence.

[Kent-Singing Panther]

Summary Post:

Overall I have come to value understanding neurological functioning so much more than I ever have before, even as a psychology student. It really does help give a structure and context to the work I do as a coach and helps me conceptualize where my client is at in their processing and how we can work together to change how they think, act and feel that is in alignment with their more authentic selves. Personally what has stood out to me is the power of the relationship between INTENTION and ATTENTION. In my own healing of my feminine and masculine aspects, I perceive INTENTION as the receptive, feminine part of me and ATTENTION as the giving, masculine part. To be truly mindful is operate in both INTENTION and ATTENTION.

I have also appreciated understanding more about the RAS. It has helped me reshape the belief that I perceived others having, but I had difficulty accepting. I recall seeing a film once called “The Secret” which reviewed the “success” of so many people who created a vision for themselves and the “universe conspired to make it happen” for them. But their was so much focus about gaining material things that the whole concept really turned me off. Now I get it! It’s not about the universe giving us what we want most, it’s us deciding what we want and training our brain to look out for how to get what we want.

[Kent-Singing Panther]

(more context for this post is found by reading the grief post first)

My client recently had a breakthrough during out last session that ended with her experience in nature letting her know that “it isn’t your fault.” There is so much to unpack in that statement that became a deep truth and catalyst for change she wants to see in her life. She came to this session with a much different energy, but still unsure of how to move forward. She reflects that the experience she had during our last session opened a floodgate of past memories that she correlates to the “stuck” position she feels like she’s in now. She says that “stuck” is also minimizing her experience and that “trapped” feels like a more appropriate word.

To briefly give context, she basically has lived her life for the acceptance of others. She’s a sensitive soul whose parents have been chronically abusive to her mentally and emotionally. She has historically been compared to everyone else and feels like she has never been seen for who she really is. This has caused her to doubt who she really is and has lived life in fear of failure. The connection with her grandmother was the only relationship where she felt she could be herself and was fully embraced. And when her grandma passed away, so did any shred of confidence she had left. Not only that, but she recalls side-handed remarks from her parents about how “grandma passed away because she couldn’t handle the stress of taking care of the grandkids anymore.”

Her story has been “I’m not good enough and the one person who believed in me is gone because of the burden I put on her.” I feel this session is really getting into past trauma and in a possible situation that is not aligned with the intention of coaching. I affirm my client and what she has shared with me and ask her how she wants to continue. She says that she understands and respects where I’m coming from and shares gratitude for listening to her so openly and holding space for her.

I felt compelled to give her some more space at this point and invited her to engage with nature again with the intent of seeing where she is now and asking what her next step is. I reflect to her everything that has happened since we’ve met and the story that she is now contemplating. She came back to the session and shared that because she has so much anger, hurt, and resentment built up toward her parents she believes engaging a therapist would benefit her. I honored and affirmed her decision as it takes courage to enter into dark spaces and be vulnerable.

I asked if she felt like there was anything, or any part of her that was pulling her forward which she might want to continue in a coaching relationship for. She referred back to the acorn symbolism and stated that “the acorn breaks free in the dark, but it is fed by water and light. I feel like connecting more with nature has been a light for me and I want to build on that relationship.” “Awesome. What does that look like for you?” I replied. She referred back to my mention of having a sit spot and stated that she would like to make that a regular practice. She likes the idea of creating more intent with having a sit spot and I invited her to create a mantra or a symbol that can hold her intent when she enters into her sit spot space. She decided to keep the image of the acorn in mind and created a mantra honoring her grandmother…”I am the potential of a great oak tree and though I’m an acorn now, I won’t stay buried long.”

For possibly the first time my client has consciously created an intent and believes that a deeper relationship with nature will prepare her for the actions that are to take place as she begins to navigate new spaces of darkness and light. This new ritual of entering into her sit spot as something more sacred, and safe, is showing her that she has the choice and control to do something for herself that will also benefit those she is in relationship with around her. In making this choice she is beginning to sever the belief that she has little value and nothing to offer the world.

It has been amazing to see some real shifts happening in her so rapidly, especially considering the abuse and conditioning she has endured throughout most of her life. Her sensitive nature has attuned to the natural world in a very organic kind of way. I imagine her grandmother could sense that within her and did her best to cultivate her gifts when given the opportunity. It is easy to see that she carries the same wisdom of her grandmother and is ready to begin a deep healing.

[Kent-Singing Panther]

This was a session with a new client who was curious to try coaching because she reports feeling “stuck.” I informed her more about the intent of coaching and how it’s different from other therapeutic modalities. I also let her know that as we progress and uncover the possible reasons why she feels stuck, I may suggest that investigates those other therapeutic modalities. From our initial contact I sensed there may be some unresolved issues with her parents, but since that was not explicit she may be in a pre-contemplative state about some of her family dysfunction. I didn’t express this to her, but simply let her know that often times we feel “stuck” because there are parts of us that want to move on while other parts need resolve that may, or may not, find resolution in a coaching relationship. She seemed to grasp my intent and expressed gratitude for being honest with her that coaching might not be exactly what she needs right now. I shared that our session(s) might not help her get unstuck, but can help her decide what other decisions to make on her path of moving forward.

My client kept repeating the phrase “it’s just the way I’ve always been” throughout the telling of her story, and blaming herself for all the trouble in her life because of behavior/personality that she seems to think she has little control over. I reflected that phrase back to her and noted that in a short period of time she repeated it often. I then asked her if she thinks she will always be the way she is. I felt this was an important question for myself too because if she were to say “yes” then a coaching relationship would most likely not be beneficial to her right now. She took some time with my questions and what I reflected back to her and could see that she was getting emotional. She began digging into her childhood and darting around various memories. I paused her momentarily and invited her to engage with nature for a moment.

She stepped outside and I simply invited her to observe the area around her with her senses and reflect what she is experiencing. This quickly helped her ground and get out of her head. I asked her what her favorite season is and she answered “Summer.” “Why Summer?” I asked. “Because all my best memories are of spending the Summers with my grandparents at their cottage with my cousins.” “Was every Summer the same?” I asked. “In some ways, yes. Of course we would always talk about previous Summers and share in the memories. But as we all started to grow up, we changed and so did the way we related to one another.” “Was that positive or negative for you?” I asked. “Definitely more drama in our teen years, but I think we grew closer…especially when our grandma passed. Grandma was the glue that held us together and she made us promise that after she was gone we would all stay close.” Tears were filling my clients eyes at this point as she reflected on her relationship with her grandmother. Initially the intent for myself was to engage the concepts we learned over the Brain 2 module with my client, but as I learned in the grief module, grief is always present in some way and when it arises I want to honor it and make space for it.

I simply asked my client if she wanted to talk about her grandmother. I was a little hesitant to ask at first because this was a Zoom meeting and I didn’t want her to feel like she wasn’t supported enough to share more. She said with Summer approaching it is hard for her to talk about her grandmother, but then she thought about something her grandmother would always say…”acorns don’t stay buried.”

She described how her grandparents cottage was tucked back in the woods with beautiful big oak trees and how much her grandmother loved them. I asked her what “acorns don’t stay buried” meant to her and she said “darkness isn’t a place to hide, it’s a place to grow.” I could feel the energy shift when she said that and I even got a little teary eyed. I shared my reaction with her and we just sat in silence for a minute. “Your grandmother was a very wise woman. What would your grandmother say to you now?” I asked. “I guess I’ll never know because she’s gone,” she replied. “All I have to remember her now is the oaks I planted in my yard in her memory.” I invited her to take some time and go sit under an oak she felt attracted to holding the question “what do I need to know?”

When she came back her energy seemed much different and she shared that as she sat on the ground and asked that question, a strong wind came up and she felt an acorn hit her on top of her head. She was stunned because acorns shouldn’t be dropping this early in the year. She said the words “it isn’t your fault” came to her and she broke down in tears. She said her body felt like it had collapsed into itself and then burst back open! At this point our time was coming to an end. I didn’t want the sensation of this experience to be overshadowed by anything else, so I asked her what she thought she could do to integrate this experience and new insight into her life. She said that she felt attracted to bury the acorn that bopped her on the head. I asked her if there was any kind of mantra she could say as she buried it and could take with her into her everyday. She replied “my shell is cracked open and I am ready to grow.” I reflected this mantra back to her and said that I think our next session together is going to look very different!

[Kent-Singing Panther]

Summary Post:

I definitely was reawakened to the power of parts work over the intensive, as well as working more with my personal mandala and seeing how effective partswork can be in coaching. One of the things I found most interesting during the intensive was the brain mapping of where my parts were located in my brain. I haven’t dove into that more but it’s something I often think about. With the understanding that our parts are written in our DNA it makes sense that they don’t all operate in the same spaces. This gives me a clearer understanding of how the communicate and operate. NOt to mention what kind of wisdom and knowing those parts might possess if they have been passed down through generations. It’s kind of crazy to think that some of my parts could be, and probably are, ancient!

What stood out to me the most over the session with my client is that there is a good chance that the reason we don’t effective communicate with other people is because we are actually unciously trying to communicate with our other parts, but trying to do it through them. I don’t know how often that’s true, but it definitely turned out that way for my client. She unciously saw a part of herself in another and was desperately trying to make a relationship work. But it couldn’t work the way it was going because the part of her that she was projecting on Person A wasn’t even identified. I feel like this is whole other area of partswork, and maybe I’m off base with it, but it has definitely raised some questions.

[Kent-Singing Panther]

My client has done some previous parts work and after listening to her story about what she’s experiencing in her life right now, I heard a few different parts come forward. I asked her if she would like to do some more in-depth partswork and she thought that would make a lot of sense for her right now. I invited her to revisit her mandala. She didn’t have it with her but she was able to recall most of them.

I asked her to go back into the story she shared thus far and we narrowed down what she wanted this session to be about. She wants to break off a toxic relationship but doesn’t know how and is afraid of the consequences. I invited her to take a few moments to breathe into the moment, ground herself, and tune into the parts laid out before her to see which ones are actively communicating. She identified “nurturer, defender, and lover.” She seemed surprised by these parts coming forward because, for her, they are very positive and active, and not related to the hurt she feels within this relationship she feels the need to let go of.

I invited her to step into one of these 3 parts that wanted to speak first. “Defender” was the first one to speak and she shared how she has worked tirelessly to stand up for the person whom she wants to let go of (we’ll call them person “A”). She described how person A was, at one time, a very involved and intense relationship. She’s had very deep, spiritual kinds of experiences with Person A and sees below the surface of their pain. Person A has made a choice to indulge alcohol as a coping mechanism and it has gotten out of control. Not to the point of physical abuse, but some mental and emotional abuse. “Defender” has been by person A’s side, always pushing past the abuse because she knows what person A has gone through and why they drink.

I asked Defender why she is really here. She paused and replied, “I’m here to protect the other parts.” “Do you feel like you are?” I asked. “No” she said. “Then who are you defending?” “Person A.” “Is Person A you?” “No.” What part is Person A most like?” “Wild Child” she responded (this was a previously unidentified part). I could see her body language change; she started to tighten up and close off. “Is that you Wild Child” I asked. “Yes.” “I’m so glad you’re here in all your wildness! I’d love to know more about you, please tell me about yourself Wild-Child.” “I’m a free roamer. Free to do what I want, when I want, and with whom I want.”

To spare the long narrative here, we got to the place in the session where Wild-Child and defender were able to have honest conversation with each other. Defender felt guilty for not standing up for Wild-Child, and Wild-Child was reluctant to be stood up for. Wild-Child has been a part of my client that she has not fully accepted, in part because she feels like she was never really given permission to speak her mind. Because of that repression she has withheld her own truth and has tried to overcompensate for it by defending the truth she sees in others.

Wild-Child was able to sever the blame she placed on her upbringing and stepped into a threshold of Wild-Childs deeper truth; that she is an autonomous being that understands where she comes from but realizes now that she has the choice to be wild in a way that gives her positive momentum forward. She experienced the wildness of nature, and that nature is also exposed and vulnerable. She experienced that truth as herself.

The relationship between Wild-Child and Defender was also healed and my client came to realization that she didn’t need to completely sever the relationship with Person A. Instead she needed to speak her truth, create boundaries, and create some space for now. Defender helped Wild-Child to create this structure to move about freely while also feeling protected.

I was really moved by how this session flowed. I feel like it really spoke the power of parts-work as a very effective tool. As at the intensive, I was better able to see how a part can move through the coaching process independently and allow the threshold in nature to speak to the deeper truth of each part and find healing with other parts. And even though we didn’t get into it, I could better see where in the brain these parts operate or have been hiding for safety. And it was fascinating to see how Person A was so much like a part of my client, and the kind of relationship she had was like an outward projection of an internal struggle.
That realization seems pretty significant for me because I’ve started looking more into my own parts in relationship to my outward relationships. It’s created a deeper awareness of self and human behavior, and it’s definitely something that will be at the forefront of my mind when clients express difficulties in relationships. In this particular circumstance with my client I found this quote from Roger Strachan’s Self-Soul-Spirit to be especially curious, “As a consummate force of life, Soul is not involved in many of life’s mundane tasks, though it could enter into any interaction if so moved. Humans often differentiate between activities of companions and those of Soul mates. The Soul is creative and contemplative and seeks to find significant purposes for life choices. Many people never seek to uncover or understand their Soul, content with living a Self-directed life, acting on impulses and reactions, and making mindful proactive decisions and choices given the information at hand.” My client has stated before that she believes Person A is a “Soul-Mate.” Actually more than that, from the experiences she has described they have encountered each other on a psychic level and has gone as far as stating they are “twin flames.” Yet within all of her description of these profound experiences, she only ever describes her side of it. Obviously Person A is self-destructing in many ways and if they did experience something profound, it has not altered their behavior. However, because my client feels like are basically one soul sharing two bodies, this has significantly affected her decision making. This also challenges Strachans notion that “Soul is unique. Just as no two selves are alike, no two Souls are alike. Each Soul is housed and maintains its functioning within the body.”

A lot of interesting dynamics at play. But I am willing to hold space for all of it and allow my client to move through their own space without impeding notions or believes from my end. I want to challenge my clients using their own language and beliefs; not to manipulate, but to help them determine what is true for them. If I’m hearing opposition between parts, it is important to reflect that back to them so that can make space for what is true. And in that space they are better able to receive from nature.

[Kent-Singing Panther]

Summary Post:

During the Long Term coaching intensive I don’t think I was in the right mindset to really engage the material. I had been in a new space of really focusing on the moment and where it would take me instead of seeing 6 months down the road. But after listening to the audio sessions again it made much more sense; long term coaching isn’t one or other, as in, it’s not set the goal and every single step…it’s set the markers to the goal and be in the flow between them. I think it’s hard a little hard for me to empathize as a coach because the change I’ve had in my life primarily came by way of conscious time alone in nature and certain books. I don’t know the experience of having been coached and so I tend to lean toward my own experience and try to integrate that into my coaching process. I know the time it’s taken for me to change and I understand the commitment to self that is necessary for that change. A huge part of that commitment was allowing nature in, and allowing my inner nature to come out. Nature herself was my coach and still is my primary coach. But after a year of being coached I see how exponentially I’ve grown and it has been something very new. I’m still learning what that’s all about, but as I grow in it my main priority is to help my clients learn to trust nature first as they learn to trust me as I do my best to reflect nature to them. Hopefully as they do that they will feel that much more confident in entering into a long term coaching relationship.

[Kent-Singing Panther]

Practicing Long Term coaching with my client came at a perfect time in his life as he is moving into a major transition. Just by emphasizing the word “transition” as I reflected back to him what he has been moving through in his life, it was like a light came on. He stated that he had never really considered “transition” as a point of reference and has just always been a person that is on the move; always looking ahead to the next project or exciting new thing. With this new awareness in mind I invited him to sense what it was like to actually BE in transition. He said that felt like something important for him to do so we devised an activity.

He said that he really enjoys hiking and loves to push himself to make good time on the trail. I invited him to utilize this passion in a new way for this activity by picking out a reference point down the trail about 30 yards away and walk as slowly as he could toward it. He grinned and said “that’s going to be really hard for me!” But he was up to the challenge and he set off on his slow-mo journey. I noticed he was fixated on the reference point and kept his eyes straight ahead for about the first 10 yards and was still moving relatively fast. I paused him and asked what he thought about taking his shoes off and going the rest of the way barefoot, which he did.

Then his gaze became fixated on the ground so he could see where he was stepping, but it did slow his pace significantly. I challenged him one more time and invited him to walk blindfolded. He gave an uncomfortable laugh, but agreed. First, I had him pause and look down the trail where he was headed to take a mental picture and to use that picture as he started walking again. He exhibited a lot of trepidation as he started off and expressed his frustration every time he teetered or stepped on something uncomfortable.

His tension was building quite a bit so I invited him to pause, breathe, and lead him to open up his other senses. I could see the tension in his body release with every nuance he described with his other senses. I know he often has a hard time connecting with his body so I pushed him a little more to describe the sensations his body experiences just through sound. This proved difficult for him at first, but eventually he was able to describe the subtle changes in pressure he felt when he heard/felt the birds and trees. At this point he was much more relaxed and grounded in the moment, so I told him to envision his destination again and begin to slowly walk toward it.

It was amazing to see the difference in how his body moved as he navigated his way down the trail. I saw his feet step in all the right places, avoiding rocks, sticks and roots. Even his foot positioning changed from a heel strike to a mid-foot strike. His posture was straight, with hardly any teetering at all. I told him to stop once he felt like he was close to his endpoint and he came within about 10 feet of it. I had him remove his blindfold and he was amazed by how close he came to his goal! I shared with him the changes I noticed along the way and how cool it was to watch him walk exactly wear he needed to. And also noticed that when he first started he would cuss or groan when he stepped on something, but after he relaxed and started to step on something, he paused and adjusted without agitation.

We reflected back on the activity by using the sacred questions at each interval of this process. The most profound insight he gained was wrapped up in this statement, “the more comfortable and confident I became as I walked, I began to focus less on where I was going and more on how I was getting there.” He also came to see that he has historically tried to avoid the stress of being in transition by hyper focusing on what was next. He recalled that as soon as he put the blindfold on he felt very vulnerable and afraid; not so much of the current situation walking blindfolded, but the bigger picture of who he is within this life transition. His focus shifted from what he needs to get to his goal to how he needs to be to get to his destination. His mantra became “I have the capacity to slow down, relax, face my fear, and enjoy my journey as I navigate each moment toward my destination.” I told him I would take this mantra and take a few moments to plot out a long-term map based on the things we’ve discussed and the insights gained thus far.

I gave him a “map”, which was a circle, indicating his starting point and the ending point he identified as starting a new business endeavor within the next several months. In the center of the map I wrote in his mantra. He was already pretty clear about what the next logistical steps where toward his goal so I pinned those around the circle, but then had him fill in what he felt he needed, or how he needed to be, to get to each step. Trying to fill that in all the way around the circle felt too overwhelming for him so we just focused on the first “yay-stone.”

I felt like this was a pretty good start to a long-term coaching relationship with this client and my so did he. He felt like the fact that he was able to slow down and relax was successful in and of itself. And that by doing so he felt like he could think more clearly and feel more confident moving forward. He expressed some frustration in not being able to fill in the rest of the gaps on his map; I simply pointed to his mantra and he smiled and nodded. “Rushing has really only caused me more aggravation” he said, “I don’t know why I do that.” At this point we were nearing the end of the session so I told him that this might be a good question to hold on to for the next session. He said he actually wanted to put the question on his map. I was a little concerned about ending the session on a possible “negative” note, so I asked how he felt about doing that and he said he actually felt calm because he wasn’t judging it. He was able to just be in the moment, seeing the question like a stone on his path and trusting himself to navigate it.

Akin to my client’s personal empowerment was his deeper awareness of how easily nature was able to soothe him by simply opening his senses in a way he hadn’t before. Though he enjoys outdoor recreational activities, he realizes that he doesn’t have a close relationship with the Earth he is trying to care for. This kind of dissociation is reflected on page 206 of “Your Brain On Nature.” Selhub/Logan devise that “Ecotherapy requires mindfulness, not simply a contrived get-back-to-nature effort with conscious thought. Although contact with nature may have antidepressant and antianxiety effects akin to some psychotropic medications, it’s essential to recognize that nature cannot be abused or taken for granted, and that humans can benefit from it only so long as they truly care for it.” My client, like many people, sense a deep, innate value in being in nature but they haven’t become conscious enough to be with nature. And so this relationship is something my client wants to deepen as he moves toward his goal over the next several months and beyond. I couldn’t be happier about that!

[Kent-Singing Panther]

Amanda, it seems like you’ve set a good tone in pre-establishing a coaching relationship with your friend and really, it’s kind of good practice for you to just step back and be an active observer rather than try to give advice as a friend like you might normally do. I don’t think there’s necessarily an either/or when it comes to friendship and coaching, just a different way of engagement. You challenged yourself to engage her in a different way, but you are still being her friend. Now, hopefully, you’ve gained more of her trust by choosing to support and hold the space that she’s currently in without having to guide her one way or another. Now if she decides to engage you as a coach, then the agreement between you is that she will be guided and you will guide without executing your own agenda for her. There is that fine line of challenging the client and pushing them over the edge and out of their window of tolerance.

[Kent-Singing Panther]

Elizabeth, even though you didn’t perceive your clients grief at the time, you still seemed to connect with her like you did…”she shared that she’s never had the opportunity to cry like that, nor to recognize how much of herself she has lost.” The fact that you helped to provide and support space for your client to weep and recognize loss is HUGE. You didn’t have to force anything or guide her a certain way; you just listened deeply and went with the flow. Those are highly valuable traits to have and you naturally have them.

[Kent-Singing Panther]

Hannah, it was interesting to see how “express partswork” operated for you and your client 🙂 Makes sense though. In dealing with emotionally charged issues we are probably only using one or two parts that we default to during times of tension, etc. and how quickly resolution can be found just by asking a client to see the situation from another parts perspective. Maybe the outcome isn’t so quick to come about for everyone in that way, but at least it creates a shift that already has some foundation because the client is familiar with their mandala.

[Kent-Singing Panther]

Carrie, I echo your reflection of just having clients simply identify parts can be very enlightening. I had a similar experience with a client who was curious about partswork so I explained it the best I could and even shared the writing from Dr. Strachan with her to help guide her through the process. I was pleasantly surprised at how she committed to identifying a good handful of parts with pretty specific profiles of each one, along with animals to represent them. Doing that alone brought her some healing I think.

[Kent-Singing Panther]

Hannah, it was so great to read about the connection you have with your client. Obviously you’ve been working with her for a while and didn’t know whether or not your time with her was going to be long term or short term; regardless you set a cornerstone in your relationship, built on trust. Honestly, it’s hard for me to believe people will dive into long term coaching if they haven’t set that cornerstone. I’m sure it happens, but I think I would be much more likely to build rapport with a coach I like for at least a little while before I decide to commit to a long term relationship. That’s just me of course and I’m only projecting; some people may be ready to dive in even if they don’t know a coach that well. My point being, we will commit when we’re ready to and it might take time to get to that point and we need to give our clients the space they need to determine that. I think I might be a little put off if I had just met a coach and soon after they’re talking about a relationship for the next 6 months. I’d be like “hey, why don’t you buy me a drink first before we get engaged.”

[Kent-Singing Panther]

Carrie, so glad to hear that all of your education is be interwoven and helping you determine where to give your energy. Many strands make a strong rope!

[Kent-Singing Panther]

Mandy, I am so appreciative of the depth you bring into your clients sessions. Your groundedness and attunement is so incredibly valuable for helping your clients navigate their process and I believe long term coaching will definitely be attractive to the folks you work with. You are really integrating who you are into the process, and with the tools we’ve learned through EBI, making it your own. You exhibit a genuine sense of care and wellbeing for your clients and that goes a long, long way with creating trust in the relationships you are building.