Hannah Grajko
Forum Replies Created
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Summary post:
In putting the whole experience of guiding through grief together, I am feeling alot of resonance with others have summarized. I can see that the absolute best thing we can do as guides (and personally/with our loved ones), is to simply encourage a “being with” our grief, fresh or old. In the practice of allowing our grief to be acknowledged and honored, it has a chance to show us how meaningful the object of loss was in our lives, and what a beautiful thing it was that we were so connected to it. In letting ourselves feel the deep bereavement of its passing, we are able to then start a new chapter in our lives where the lost thing or person is no longer present, but always remembered. By normalizing any reaction that occurs in our bodies and psyches around the loss, we give ourselves and our clients a precious gift of empathy and kindness around the deeply painful event. If the only way out is through, being with our grief and encouraging others to do so is the only way to come out on the other side. Forever changed.
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Initial post:
In reflecting back on our intensive time with Julie, one major theme that comes up for me off the bat is the aspect of self-care that we discussed when working with clients. Julie mentioned that when working with grief, we need to “secure our masks before assisting others”. Having worked with a few big grief sessions with some of my clients, I can say with certainty that that is so crucial to being able to hold safe space for them. Another piece of addressing grief that I think is so important, which many others have commented on, is simply encouraging our clients to tell their stories, as much and as often as they need to in order to find some compartmentalization.
One of the sessions, where these factors come up the most in my experience, was with my client who had experienced sexual trauma, and was very much dealing with the grief around it. Her experience was with a person she didn’t know, and it resulted in a child. She was actively dealing with the obvious trauma of it all, but there was also a quieter grief component present, which she didn’t start to process until way later. When gently asked about what she was specifically grieving, she said it was her innocence.
We had spent some time talking about and planning how she would get her story down. In previous sessions, she decided that she would tell it verbally to a few friends, and then engage in the process of writing it all down. She was curious if the story would change at all in the retellings, and really wanted to get a consistent line down so that she could feel fully grounded in what she had experienced. I encouraged her that, even though there might be some changes, in any iteration, her experience was valid and important to be telling. She was comforted by the idea that whatever her story may be when she told it, that it would provide her an invaluable resource to simply get it out of her own head. She spent many hours writing it down outside of our session, and got about 75% of the way. During our session, she wanted to read it aloud to me so that she could be witnessed and seen.
I was struck by how calm and transparent she seemed when she first started reciting the events for me. It was difficult for me at first not to have an emotional reaction. I noticed that I wanted to express sympathy, understanding, and love for her. However, something told me that I would best serve her by simply being a quiet and interested audience. As she continued with the story, I could tell that she was very much still putting the puzzle pieces into place. She would pause for a moment and then go back and edit what she had just previously said. This showed me that she was actively creating a strong image in her mind of the story, and that she was beginning to compartmentalize everything she needed to have more clarity around the whole event. She left our session grateful that I had not given any input or advice as others had. She was simply able to be seen and that was all she wanted.
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Summary post:
Man, I just LOVE learning about this material, and it was so beneficial for me to read the reactions of everyone else! Such a cool thing to see everybody getting a clearer picture of the process of change in the brain, and I’m really getting a sense that we all got a lot out of the pieces on intentional rewiring. Overall, I’m feeling a lot of empathy for the little processes in my own brain that are just chugging along and trying so hard to move toward mental health and sustainability. I’m also feeling really empowered to help tweak those little processes in a way that is more evolved and moving in a direction that allows for the largest possible window of tolerance.
In working with clients, I’m seeing how we can use these tools to create more understanding toward their unique stages of change. I’m also seeing (and have experienced) that sharing some tidbits of neurobiology with them can allow for more self-empowerment and personal responsibilty. I’m so excited to read more Dan Siegal and other authors we discussed to become more aware of the neuro processes that are always happening just under the surface.
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Initial post:
As others have echoed as well, I left this intensive being particularly intrigued by the concepts of RAS and ritual in the process of integration or reintegration. It was definitely helpful for me to take lots of time to discuss the characteristics of integration, and what generally happens when the process isn’t fully completed. I also really appreciated that we took a longer look into the stages of change, as that was not fully clear to me, I’m now realizing, after the first brain intensive.
An experience I had with a client not too long ago really hit on a lot of the points we discussed in this module, especially around integration and the practice of sitting with the discomfort of a situation in order to move through it. One long-term client I have, who I’ve posted about a few times here, was making an attempt to process the anger she felt for the women in her life (though she didn’t name it as anger for much of the session) for the way they dealt with their father’s anger in the past. She was feeling a lot of resentment and confusion around why her mother didn’t do more to stand up to his outbursts when my client was a child. She also ironically felt anger toward her sister for HER angry outbursts in reaction to her father’s angry outbursts. Clearly, this was a complex and unintegrated experience for my client, and she didn’t really know what she wanted out of the process to begin with.
Initially, we spent a lot of time going over the story; she spent a lot of that talking about the ways in which it was problematic for her family to have behaved the ways they did. My efforts to bring it back to her and what she was experiencing in the present moment around all of it were not very successful at first, but after a while, she was able to see that it was her emotions around it that needed to be tended to and addressed. She finally named that she felt immense anger toward the behavior of the past, and then immediately noted that she felt embarrassed and shameful for giving into similar anger that her family had experienced. It was highly uncomfortable for her to sit with that feeling for a few moments, but she did it! I kept asking her to stay present with how it was showing up in her body, and she was able to point to a fiery feeling in her chest that “felt like it was about to explode”. I asked her to keep naming how it was moving or shifting, and she was able to do that. Finally, she felt the urge to let out a big yell and move the energy out of her chest. This was a cathartic experience for her, and the lightness she experienced after was incredibly notable.
Moving forward from this mini-threshold, my client expressed that she realized just how averse she had been to feeling anger in particular, and that she wanted to work with that more. When asked if there were other places of her life where she felt anger at all regularly, she noted that it came up a lot around politics (she lives in Brazil, and we processed a lot around the election of Bolsonaro). We worked on a plan together to craft a ritual around when she noticed anger come up, in the hopes that she could get more integration around this particular emotion. Her plan was to note what movements were happening in her body when she was exposed to politics around her, and that, if she could, she would take a walk outside and find a place to jump up and down. In this way, she felt like she would be able to truly feel and accept that anger, but ultimately move it in her system when it came around. This ritual would serve as a foundation for her to start to process the stickier angry parts of her life (like with her sister and mother). I felt really proud of my client for being brave enough to move toward an emotion that was clearly very difficult for her to process. She was actively choosing to widen her window of tolerance through this practice.
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Summary post:
In re-reading my post and the insights of the cohort, I’m seeing that, for me, trauma work is such a complex and on-going process that there are so many ways to approach and tend to it. It’s really interesting to me how it seems that each of us are drawn to work with trauma in pretty different ways. An important piece that I’m taking from this module is that trauma is simply not black and white, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with it. All of our traumas are relative, and so is the “treatment” and healing of them.
As coaches, it seems like the most important thing we can do for our clients in terms of their trauma is to simply be with and normalize whatever is true for them. It can definitely be intimidating to witness unexpected emotional reactions from those we are so desperately trying to help, but once we get to a place of allowing whatever is there to simply be, that gets mirrored to them, and they are eventually able to do the same.
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Initial post:
Going into this module, I felt a lot of trepidation about being able to address trauma with clients. I suppose I had an idea in my mind that if they were to touch into their trauma, there was a possibility that the emotional weight of it all may send the situation into a space that neither of us could control. Or worse: That the effect of the trauma might be intensified. However, after having the two massively informative days with Katie, I felt like we had a ton of resources (no pun intended) that would allow us to touch into the wisdom of our client’s trauma and start walking the down the path of healing alongside them.
An experience I had with this material with a client happened not too long after the intensive. One of my longer-term clients was working on processing the aftermath of a sexual assault (an event that she was quite sure she had mostly processed, but seemed to be reemerging in surprising ways). She knew that it was one of, if not the most, traumatic experience of her life, and she so badly wanted to face it head-on and draw whatever wisdom she could from the experience. She also, being someone closely connected to somatic experiences due to her work, wanted to incorporate the body as much as possible in her process. Something that initially came up that we were able to address was her shame around her reactions. She seemed to have a notion of what the “right” and “wrong” reactions were that she should be having in the stage of trauma-work that she was in. She would say things like, “I thought I was past this. I shouldn’t be reacting this way”. When we settled into the body, it was clear for her to see that the particular aspects of the experience were still very much alive in her system. With that information, we practiced some deeply meaningful pendulation (using dance and her child as the positive resources). She was definitely able to move some the energy that had been trapped in her chest and belly for a while.
Another aspect that we utilized in our session was working on simply normalizing her reactions. We got to the point where she recognized that there is not a right or wrong reaction to trauma; she spoke with conviction that she understood that she would give herself the gift of letting herself feel whatever she needed to in the journey of processing this horrible experience. By normalizing anything that came up for her emotionally and sensationally, she started to feel less pressure to have the trama be resolved as quickly as possible. This, in turn, allowed her to just sit in the presence of what was actually true for her, and not try to push and pull against her nature. This was incredibly freeing for her in the moment, and she wanted to bring that practice into her life as much as possible moving forward.
The last piece that seemed really significant for her was when she started to enter into overwhelm in the retelling of her story. I noticed that she started to lose track of what she was talking about; things started getting hazy, and she started to feel really confused. I named that we might be entering into territory that she was perhaps not able to fully process at the moment, and that it would be beneficial for us to get back to body sensations and away from the story for a little bit. Once we delved back into what was happening in her environment and body (small things at first, like characterizing the weather outside), she was able to stop the process of disassociating, and she got back to a place of clarity. Something I gained from witnessing her process with all of that was that our brains are really just doing all they can to keep homeostasis, and there are simple and effective “hacks” that we can teach ourselves to not let that mechanism completely take over. For my client, she was thankful to have some tools on her belt for ways of getting back to a place of peace when she was actively choosing to dig into her trauma of the past.
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Summary post:
An important theme I’m picking up in my own reflection and the posts of the cohort is that, through an understanding of our neurobiology, we can begin to distance ourselves from the unhealthy attachment to our own thoughts and patterns. It is such a freeing thing to be able to recognize that, though we may have thought patterns which have caused pain and suffering in the past, there are real, tangible practices that we can engage in to help shift the tide on how those patterns behave! I know for myself (and am seeing for my clients as well) that a basic knowledge of the stages of change does so much in the way of creating real empathy for how the change cycle can look and behave.
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Initial post:
The lessons from this intensive came at a perfect time for me in the trajectory of the program, because I had just started working with a client who was both of a rational and tactile mind (with a deep interest in neurobiology), and had been dealing with mental vacillation – or as I later became aware were shifts in the stages of change – on a few very important decisions in her life. This client was one whom I had had a friendship with years ago, and came back into my life with a lot of urgency and desperation when I offered to give her practice sessions.
What jumped out about our first few sessions after this intensive was was just how committed to her vision she was, but how she kept running into roadblocks around how to get clear and actually make steps in that direction. She didn’t want the painful and difficult relationship dynamics that she was experiencing with her partner and co-parent, yet she didn’t know how to make the correct changes. She wanted to be able to start her own healing practice (using reiki and massage), yet couldn’t seem to get through the cloud of intimidation to be able to start laying the groundwork for that. I could see after our intensive that she was stuck in a vicious cycle of vacillating between pre-contemplation, contemplation, and planning. She felt like there was very little opportunity for her to get to any kind of action step because she just kept falling back into doubt and apathy.
Something that we started working with that seemed to make the process a bit lighter and easier to navigate for her was simply changing the way we were framing the discussion with things from “but” to “and”. This seemed like a small and simple step, but reorienting her view of her progress in this more empathetic and inclusive way allowed her to take some of the pressure off, and see that her journey was bound to include steps backwards. However, ultimately, she could see that she was generally taking two steps forward, and one step back, and that allowed her to have some patience with herself and where she was at in her growth.
Another thing she found very helpful was simply talking about the neural aspects at work in her process. We talked about how the journey of rewiring the patterns and memories of ourselves living in the hippocampus take tons of repeated effort, and that it may not always be clear that change is happening right away (even though it often is if one is putting in the time). She was also to have an increased level of understanding for herself and her process when we discussed that the amygdala is the ultimate protector that is doing whatever it can to maintain the previous wiring (because what you already know and have already seen is safer than new, uncharted territory!). She was able to take a step outside of herself for a moment and simply observe the forces at work within her that were making it more difficult to just immediately enact change. She left this session with an intention to write down the story of her relationship with her partner, with change, and with vision as a jumping off point to intentional rewiring.
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Summary post:
As a few other people have mentioned about this partswork experience, I’m noticing overall a deepening of the practice over the time since we’ve begun working with it. This was clear in the intensive as well, and I’m feeling really grateful that we got the opportunity to work with this practice in such an intentional way for the second time. The intersection of long-term coaching and partwork felt the absolute perfect way to end the program, and I’m feeling all the more inspired to work with this as a main focus with clients moving forward. It’s been so beneficial for me to see and read how others have been using it in various coaching situations, and I just love how we are incorporating it in the ways that best serve our individual coaching styles!
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Initial post:
After this intensive, I found myself longing to work with parts with my clients so much more. Especially within the framework of long-term goal, I saw throughout this reintroduction just how profound and meaningful getting in touch with parts can be for clients to make crucial connections in their lives. This bridging of the gaps came up with a long-term client recently, and it proved to be the perfect chance to incorporate some partswork.
My client, whom I’ve mentioned in previous posts is a long-time friend and client, was grappling with two relational tensions in her life that seemed to be reaching a head. In one, she was noticing that she was being energetically swayed by a very strong-willed co-worker; in this situation, she was feeling inspiration and motivation as a result of this relationship, but she was also noticing a deep fatigue, and worry that she was adopting some negative behavior patterns she saw in this person. In the second situation, she was faced with how to best handle being reunited with her estranged sister after over two years of no contact. The relationship with her sister had some crucial similarities in that of the co-worker (her sister is also inspirational to my client, but also feels volatile because her energy can be erratic and explosive).
Throughout our discussion of the patterns that were emerging between both relationships, she started to notice that her empath part was being devalued, taken advantage of, and disempowered. This was the part that served her so well for so long as a peacekeeper in her family and at work. She noticed that if she was to keep this beautiful part healthy and sustainable, she needed to bring in reinforcement to protect it. We determined that she would need to spend some time with the careful, sometimes appropriately defensive boundary protector. She felt so happy to get some clarity on how these two parts are so essential to the system, and can really bring out the best in one another when harmoniously working in line.
Something that jumped out at me about the results from this partswork intensive as opposed to the first one was that I’ve really started to see how the practice can be used as minimally or primarily as a situation requires. With this client, we had already spent some time digging into her mandala, so in this session, it didn’t really require that we enter into a whole long parts-focused threshold. Instead, I was able to invite her to view the situation from a parts perspective, she was able to make some really beneficial connections about the past and how she could move forward, and the process felt complete very quickly. I think after the first experience with partworks, I had been operating under the assumption that we needed to spend a ton of time viewing the parts from every possible angle every time, and while that is probably beneficial when setting up the mandala, I’m seeing that this process can also provide lightbulb moments in very concise and efficient ways if the session asks for that. I’m excited to see how the partswork process continues to evolve in my understanding!
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Summary post:
I really enjoyed reflecting on my own experience with my longterm client, but I think I got the most out of reading everyone else’s experiences with theirs! I echo what Mandy wrote in her summary: Viewing the ups and downs that a client goes through feels very important and crucial over the span of 6 months or more. I know as a coach, it can be a bit frustrating to witness some forward movement with a client’s progress, and then see them slip back into contemplation or pre-contemplation, but having a more zoomed-out perspective really drives the point home that that vacillation is essential to their long-term progress. I know I have much less attachment to outcomes as time goes on with a client because I’ve seen the arc of how things can move, and I recognize that sometimes change can only truly be observed in hindsight.
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Initial post:
My longest term client is a woman who I’ve known for many years in a friendship role, and have been working with on and off as a client for over a year. As is apparently common in long-term coaching relationships, we had been working together consistently every week for many months, but in the last 6 months, have had a more intermittent and sporadic structure where she schedules with me as needed. This seems to work well for her, and she refers to it as “maintenance”.
Something that strikes me right off the bat with this client in the reflection of our long-term relationship is how we’ve developed so much intentionality over time; I think when we first started working together, I wasn’t so sure of how to not only set up things like her mandala and progress markers, but I didn’t fully have a strong overview of how we were intending to progress over a long period of time. Not to mention, I had no idea of whether this would be a long or short term relationship. However, even given all that, I really feel like we have developed a handful of solid, overarching themes and goals to address each time we meet.
In the last session that we had together, I was remarking about the flow that we now feel with one another after developing this relationship for so long. I’m aware of many intimate details of her life, and she feels comfortable sharing things that she can’t share with anyone else due to the trust we have developed. Given that, we are able to jump into the process so much quicker and more efficiently. As an example, she has been dealing with the emotional and logistical ramifications of a horrible falling out with her older sister. The whole dynamic is wrought with abusive tendencies (seemingly on the part of her sister), and painful dynamics which have been present for my client since childhood. She is now faced with a situation where she will be in the same place as her sister for a family gathering after over two years of complete communication disconnection. Knowing all that I already do about this dynamic and my client’s feelings and tendencies around it, we were able to get right into a resourcing practice in order to best prepare her for the meeting. She left the session feeling strong, confident, and supported by the intentions she set out during our time together. I don’t believe that we would have gotten to that place in one one-hour session if we hadn’t had over a year of foundation building under our belts! So cool to see what dedicated time and attention can sow the seeds for.
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Carrie,
I really appreciate how you are approaching the subject of loss from a few different angles with your client! It appears to me that this issue in her life is multi-faceted (As they often are), and you are giving her full permission to go into whichever dynamic feels the most valuable in the present moment. You wrote, “After some discussion, we pinpointed to the pressing need… the responsibility of being a caretaker. The loss of her mother was set aside for future discussion. Creating the pathway for future, long-term coaching”. By letting her dive into her role as a caretaker, it seems she can reassess how that part of her life with be evolving with this new change; from what you wrote, I’m thinking that the grief of the actual loss will be something that you two can explore later down the road. Thanks so much for sharing about your experience here!
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Carrie,
I love reading about how you are utilizing partswork with this particular client! It sound like you were really able to make the process and practice a lot clearer for him. I hadn’t thought to frame the introduction in terms of what is “driving” or “slowing” any given part; I usually think of it in terms of wants and conflicts, but your frame seems to have an important distinction behind it where there isn’t so much an endpoint in mind, but more an observation of simply how the part behaves on its own naturally. Its also really great how you are giving your client a chance to work with parts in a way that isn’t so narrowly focused; he can use it for self-reflection with his own clients in a way that suits him.
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Mandy,
I love reading about how you incorporated the use of the mandala with this client! It sounds to me like you have been able to develop with her a strong foundation of knowledge for how it works and can be utilized, and she has a good idea of how some of her parts interact and come online. It’s really awesome that she is to the point where she can resource by sending love and care to particular parts who need it during sessions.
I totally echo your questioning around how to regularly work with the mandala when a lot of the session time seems to be filled with putting the fires that are arising in the present moment out. I’ve experienced this a lot with various clients. Something I started to realize was that, in order to best serve my clients, I can consistently scan for opportunities to bring a partswork experience up within whatever is coming out in the “fire”, but that it is not something I need to be utilizing frequently if the situation isn’t asking for it. I know it sounds simple, but letting it arise naturally seems to allow for the most impact for me and whomever I’m working with. It sounds like you have a ton of wisdom and discretion about when to bring it in, and when something else needs to take precedence.