Lauren Lucek
Forum Replies Created
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Summary Post:
Long-term coaching, it’s like an enigma. It seems so mysterious until you start doing it. And to set a monetary value of your skills is something that should be easy, but I believe our society has trained us to doubt ourselves. Until we really start working with clients and then you start being reciprocated for your worth, does it seem like a possibility.
As a coach, I feel like I can sift through a lot of the story and pull out what the client is trying to express, fairly quickly and concisely. I like to create an energy around the goal setting and planning so that the client is excited and motivated to reach their milestones.
One thing that was difficult was putting a price tag on your services. We know what we are worth and how this work can be life changing! But one thing that I find interesting is how much this can differ based on your environment. I know that I could charge $120 per hour here in San Diego and most people wouldn’t bat their eye. If I tried to charge that in rural New Hampshire where I grew up, people would think I was crazy. Asking for your worth shouldn’t be any different than setting an expectation of your desired salary at a regular job, right? Yet somehow, when you are selling yourself essentially, the pressure seems to be higher. Maybe it’s just me. And perhaps when I start having more clients, this will all come a bit easier. -
Initial Post:
I’m going to use my sessions with Wendy during that intensive, as I haven’t had any long-term clients thus far. I had been a bit apprehensive prior to this topic because I didn’t feel ready to be coaching on a consistent basis. I definitely didn’t have the confidence going into this week to start asking people to pay me hundreds of dollars up front. But, in a way, I guess we were all feeling a bit awkward about the conversation.
I’m happy though, that even with that mindset, everything came back pretty quickly and naturally. Because Wendy and I had worked so much together over the year, we had a pretty good understanding of each other. When it came to talking about Issue, Want, Deeper Need and Goals, the planning was able to come very organically. It was like rockstar and her hype girl! Wendy had a pretty clear idea of what she wanted and what she needed to do to get it. I think she just needed some support and agreement that she was on the right path.
Coming up with a plan of our long-term coaching was pretty straight forward. Wendy and I were both realistic with how much time we could really offer. (this changed drastically for both of us right after). Coming up with a cost was difficult in some aspects, but Wendy and I were both on the same page as to our worth and value, and our prices were almost identical. -
Response to Wendy:
I get goosebumps reading your post! Full time coach by August 2022!!! Do you remember two summers ago saying that you can’t imagine ‘doing this full time and making money’? Your life was so different! The changes you made since our first intensive to our last, and since then are ASTOUNDING! Wendy, you should be really proud of yourself. I am. 😉
Another thing that stood out for me from your post was talking about threshold. I think I get so stressed out about having a ‘complete’ session, that if it doesn’t get to that point, I’m disappointed…and it’s not about me is it? Ha ha! Even when the time runs out, it doesn’t mean it’s over. Do your clients let you know if they have a threshold experience on their own and describe it? Is it because of something that you set up with them, like an exercise of some sort, or is it them just mulling over your words of wisdom?
Great job Wendy!! -
Response to David: I can see how your scenario of working with a client that you may not know, invites a lot of information gathering. I like how you use your intake questionnaire to get a really good picture of your client’s life and how they see it. More importantly, how you reflect back their responses in order to show your client some things they may not have been aware of before. I went over my own intake questionnaire and I’m definitely going to tweak it a bit to get more info upfront so I’m not spending so much time listening to story in my first few sessions. Thanks! I also appreciate the exercise of getting the client to come up with a ‘one-time action to take to signify a deep commitment to change.’ Sometimes I think I let sessions go by, where I’ve just been listening to a client unload and I’m not even sure they want to make changes, or they have no idea where to get started because everything is overwhelming to them.
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Summary Response:
I love Partswork, even though it can be very intimate and vulnerable. It has been challenging to work with my own Parts and Soul. I believe that Partswork helps clients, as long as they are open to it.
My takeaways from this intensive were, learning and practicing tracking, calling out Parts and interactive and reflective exercises/threshold. I have also continued to work on my listening skills and to be aware of any resistance from clients, as this approach may be intrusive to some clients.
I really resonated with David’s client ‘session’. I have also worked in wilderness therapy, and have seen that same story some many times. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the same education, training or experience 13 years ago. I always felt like something was missing and I wished I could have done more.
I agree with David, in that ‘some level of healing our core wound needs to happen before accessing the Soul.’ Over time and with practice, the ability to push past defenses and patterns, blocking them from connection to Soul, is possible. A lot of reflection needs to happen.
Connecting Partswork with Grief and Trauma, by using Neurobiology, Gestalt and Somatic practices, is such a holistic approach. I’m happy that this is my base, and look forward to figuring out the ‘best’ way to live a Soul-Connected life. -
Summary Post:
I have been spending some time thinking about, when working with a client through grief with drug or alcohol addictions, one needs to tread even softer than usual. It’s crazy how many people cover their emotions related to grief, with chemicals.
I feel that giving the client space is obviously important, but really making space to even feel ok to express their emotions. Some people like my mother for example, was always told that showing emotion was a sign of weakness. So instead of dealing with or feeling any emotions, she masks them with alcohol and changes the subject. (which really just presents other behaviors and emotions) I would ask my client what made them feel good about consuming the drug. What were they afraid of showing? I would want to coach my client to explore the feelings around showing emotion, and that it’s ok. Getting comfortable with that is a challenge in itself!
I believe that inviting your client to be ok to express their emotions is the first step to them dealing with grief. That dealing with their grief can be a journey, and that there is no timeline to be followed. Relieving that pressure and creating a space where they can peel back the layers and explore them is very important.
I would also ask my client if they could think of other ways to deal with the emotions they feel most uncomfortable with. (instead of turning to drugs, which is really just altering their state of being). I in no way, am an expert in addiction. I also believe that it’s important as a coach, to resource out my client if they were struggling in their life, with circumstances that were out of my expertise.
The journey through grief is not any easy one. It is different for everyone and ranges vastly. I think that starting to deal with my own personal grief during and after this intensive, really opened my eyes. I think it is something that almost all clients will probably struggle with on some level. I’m interested in working with more clients to explore and gain experience with different types of grief. -
Summary
It really is crazy how much trauma can affect a person’s life in the moment, and potentially a lifetime. A book that we read, ‘The Neurobiology of We’ by Daniel Seigel, really stood out for me in the connection of trauma and brain change. This intensive really hit home for me and brought up a lot on a personal level. I literally had been living my life for the past 20 plus years, thinking my life was what it was because i had endured traumatic events, and I thought that was just how life was because of them! Wow! What a way to live…not really taking responsibility for your present life and future! It is so easy to believe that your life is the way it is because that’s what you deserve. Unfortunately, so many people focus on the negative aspects, that they don’t believe change is possible. “I will never get married because I’m always attracted to the losers that want to stay single and not really show me any love and affection. It’s just always how it goes.” Or, “I will never make enough money in this city and I probably won’t get promoted because I’m a woman.”
When you change your outlook and perspective, along with the language of self-love, the sky is the limit! You change it to, “I know what I want and deserve from someone, and I’m not willing to accept anything less.” and “Of course I’m going to get the promotion. I’m the most educated, experienced, bad-ass woman here.”
I remember this story in ‘The Neurobiology of We,’ where a young woman was in a relationship with a guy that ended up cheating on her. He drove a specific blue car, and any time she saw that type of car, she immediately was brought back to how she felt when they broke up. Even though it was highly unlikely that it would be him driving the car as she passed, her reaction was as if she was reliving it all over again. It wasn’t until she rewired her brain to have a different response when she saw that type of car, that she was able to move on from the trauma. I actually used this exercise and it worked. Using this practice in different aspects of my life, has literally changed it.
When working with a client around trauma, I feel that it is most important to create space for them. Sometimes all they need is that space to start to unpack it all. I think that you need to be sensitive to your client, but not let them get lost in their story. Recognize the trauma and pinpoint how it affects their reactions and behaviors. Then introduce them to exercises that will create the change in their brain. It could be something that is a life-long practice, but I believe it’s worth it. -
Initial Post:
Working again with my client Nicole, presents several ways for me to practice working with a client with trauma.
Quick background related to this session for Nicole:
She was married to a man who was an addict and a father (not her child). He was constantly aggressive, in and out of addiction, violent and emotionally abusive. She talks a lot about staying with him because of his son, that she had basically become a mother to (birth mother was out of the picture). She wanted to give the child a life that he deserved, even if that meant essentially going through hell to be there for him.
Nicole had gone on a date the night before we had our session (one of her notoriously bad dates). When she came over she was visibly upset. She said it was their first date (met on Tinder), and went out for dinner. She said that he ‘looked kind’ and they seemed to have a lot in common prior to meeting. As their dinner continued, he talked about his divorce with his ex-wife and how their child had died in a pool drowning. He clearly was coming from and dealing with a very traumatic situation. Nicole felt sad for him and tried to be supportive as he talked about his past, but then he started talking about how he thought his wife had been cheating on him and how it was her fault that their son died because she ‘wasn’t paying attention’. He then started talking to Nicole in a very odd way, saying things like ‘are you a cheater? you look like you could be a cheater? no bitch is gonna do that to me again. I hope you don’t want kids because i would never trust a woman with a child of mine ever again.’
Personally, I can’t imagine listening to this guy for more than a few minutes..especially on a first date. Long story short, Nicole ended up leaving the date in tears. She said she couldn’t believe that this guy would present like he did on a first date. She also talked about how triggered she was by the way he spoke to her, and that it reminded her of her ex. She said she would never be with someone who treated her or spoke to her like that, and if he was like that on a first date, then he could only be worse as time went on.
At this point she was in tears. I thought about trying to ground her and to bring her back to the present moment. I focused on finding some resources like Katie Asmus talked about, in order to move Nicole away from the feelings she was feeling the night before. With this, I had her focus on Internal Resourcing. I wanted her to come up with things about herself that she liked, felt good about, and offered the world (in how she presents and in relationships with family, friends and partners). She was able to dismiss the feelings that this guy made her feel about herself and the connection with her ex whom also made her feel bad about herself. She came up with some really great resources, and as she talked about them, she started to show some joy in talking about herself (a huge struggle).
I reminded her that recognizing the sensation and feeling the sensation of what she doesn’t like or want in her life is important. And if she is able to do that, she can not only neutralize her emotions around that, but also stand firmer in her beliefs of what she wants, needs and deserves from others.
This will be an important exercise to do with Nicole moving forward because she has experienced a lot of trauma in her life, and unfortunately she has defined herself by it and lives her life expecting to have tumultuous and dramatic relationships. This goes hand in hand with Brain work as well. -
Response:
Hey Amanda! Yes the brain is a crazy and amazing thing. It also has been eye opening learning more about how the brain functions and working with that for myself as well as with clients. I think the more we educate ourselves with this, the better we will be as coaches to help our clients work through some serious and sometimes debilitating situations. As a coach, it’s great that you are able to hold space for your client to process what they are going through, as well as offer some tools for her to work with. I believe that the reprogramming part is where the meat is. How did you suggest she do this? I feel like this can be a long practice for our clients and takes significant reflection on their part, as well as follow-up by the coach. How is that reprogramming going for her? -
Client work:
As I have read over all of your posts, this overwhelming feeling of wanting to talk about my mother’s experiences with grief came to mind. I have had very minimal discussions with her regarding grief, as it is extremely emotional for her. However, I’m sure that her experience will relate to future clients, and I could use the advice.
So, after this intensive, I had a conversation with my Mom about how she has dealt with grief and loss in the past, and my experiences, and how scary it is. She shared her experience with losing her grandmother in 2001. My great-grandmother was 97 when she died, and it seemed like a fluke (caught pneumonia when she was in the hospital after a fall). She died within 24 hours (during a major thunder and lightning storm that lasted a half hour – thanks Mother Nature). Everyone rushed from all parts of New England to say their final goodbyes, and it was pretty traumatic. My mother shared that for months after, she had some massive struggles. Her and her grandmother were extremely close. My mom disclosed that she spent weeks and weeks crying and she she could barely go to work because she ‘couldn’t keep it together.’ She eventually went to her doctor and was put on Celexa (which she is still on…don’t get me started on that). Therapy or counseling was never suggested, and I’m not sure my mom would have even entertained the idea of it. Fast forward 4 years to when my father died. Even though my parents were divorced, they were still very close. My mom still blames herself for not providing him with the care and support he needed. He had moved to Florida and started going to a new VA hospital in Tampa where the care was not the same he had in New Hampshire. He admitted himself one day with blue legs, released 2 days later, and died of a heart attack 3 days later. Again, another shocking death. To this day, my mom can barely talk about my dad without crying. Fast forward another 8 years, my grandmother (my mom’s mom), has a fall when my mom is visiting me in England and flies home early because her brother and sister say she isn’t doing well. She catches pneumonia in the hospital and dies within the week. To say these deaths/situations were fucked up is an understatement, but let me try to refocus. The point of what I’m getting at is, how do you help someone who desperately needs to process grief, but doesn’t know where to start, and is afraid to even show that vulnerability, in fear of what people will think of her? It is incredibly sad and hard to watch someone you are so close with, not able or unwilling to process this.
As I read over the Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning, I keep focusing on Task 2 – To Process the Pain of Grief. “It is necessary to acknowledge and work through the pain of grief or it will manifest itself through other symptoms or behaviors. Pain in this case, includes physical, emotional, spiritual, and cognitive.” In my mom’s case, I feel like she has created vices to deal with this grief and loss. Alcohol abuse, prescribed medication and internalization of her feelings have created this lifestyle that I fear are incredibly unhealthy. Where do you start with a client like this? More than likely, I am not the person she will or should talk to about all this, and I even feel like just providing her the space to talk about it with me won’t necessarily be helpful, because she doesn’t ever want to appear vulnerable in front of me. Advice? -
Initial Post:
A few things that I wanted to mention about this intensive was: Kim Mooney was an absolutely amazing person to facilitate this section. I loved how she talked about Grief. To put into words that Grief, death, loss, etc. are all parts of the natural progression of life, are important to remember. Even though these things are often scary and debilitating, it is normal, and EVERYONE experiences it in one way, shape or form. The humor that she brought to the conversations was helpful (for me) when discussing such sensitive topics. Thank you Michael and crew for having her there.
I am also in agreement with Wendy, when she stated how diverse Grief is. I had only related it to death in the past. Now, I understand that the topic is so incredibly broad, and that the majority of our clients are experiencing it in one way or another, and how it often is a key part in to why people start exploring the need for coaching or therapy in some form. -
Summary Post:
We are all in agreement that Change is hard, and yet, we have all made leaps and bounds in this change over the last year+. Thank you all for your feedback, and to be honest, I never thought about reaching out to that client. But now, I feel like I have the courage to do so. Really, what do I have to lose?
Some things that I am taking away from this section is my personal challenges and practice of neuroplasticity. So many people, including myself, what those changes to happen immediately, and that’s just not realistic. Understanding that change is possible, with some focus and practice, is the key for me. That, and the fact that nothing happens overnight. A quote that I remember from the Pocket Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology was, “Neuroplasticity has an upside and a downside. The challenge is that negative experiences can alter brain structure in long-lasting ways that make life difficult. The positive opportunity that neuroplasticity affords is that IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO USE THE FOCUS OF ATTENTION TO ALTER THE BRAIN’S ARCHITECTURE.” Until you start to explore your own personal blockages and invite your client to do the same, you don’t always see what is holding you back. The story continues and you believe it to be the only way.
I’m starting to ‘read’ (audiobook) Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. I would relate it to the book The Secret, but with a scientific approach. I have also been meeting with Ivy and that has helped me to identify and focus on what my brain is telling me, how I react to things, and how to change it. For me, finding a sit spot has been a challenge, but I have been trying to find alternative ways to contemplate my life, actions and thoughts about myself. Journaling has been really helpful, because when I read back over my entries, I see how I get lost in my story. Related to Brain/Change, I have been recording actions for change and reflecting on them. It’s mind blowing (no pun intended) on how reflection helps the brain change. You start to recognize new actions and how consequences from them can be life changing! Practice practice practice, record and reflect! -
Initial Post:
I am using my session with Wendy during our intensive in May. Wendy at the time, had quite a few things going on. She was not happy with her job and wanted ‘someone’ to fix it for her. She wanted the total package of happiness in her house, job, dog, friends, etc. She wanted her depression to subside, her house to be finished, the weather to shift, and more physical energy. After we sifted through the things she had control over and what she didn’t, Wendy realized the main issue was her job. She felt as if she was going through the motions at work, didn’t feel safe in her role, and essentially wanted an ultimatum at work so she could quit.
We discussed what she needed to happen and/or how she needed to feel in order to leave her job. I sensed a lot of fear around these questions, and parts of her that played different roles. There is a major part that is responsible. She needed a back-up plan, financial safety, the ability to go on disability or be ok with taking from her savings. She wasn’t ready to be self-employed but also didn’t want to ‘run-away’ back to California. The responsible parts of Wendy were definitely taking the drivers seat, but I kept hearing from other parts of her that wanted to be HAPPY and JOYFUL. On several occasions, Wendy said she wanted to be in a place of appreciation (of where she was and what she had), to reconnect with herself, to feel whole again, to find joy and peace, a way to manage her mental health, and eventually a vacation.
Wendy worked on some mantras to be able to focus on her deeper need, and came up with ‘I want to feel and show the joy that I know I am’. I loved this, because she was able to see past the financial concerns (that are always overwhelming), and really tap into what was going to make WENDY happy.
Wendy continued to focus in on these topics and came up with a bit of a plan with some milestones.
JOB: Needed to change. Quit, find a new one or take short-term disability. Has the ability to be financially confident. Gave herself 3 months to find a new job.
MENTAL HEALTH: work on managing depression. Check in with Dr., find practices to feel more grounded. Focus on awareness of depression before it becomes to much.
CONNECTION TO SELF: ‘Build pathways and practices to connect.’ Celebrate successes. Awareness of self and how outside factors affect her. Take time to connect with other, even if it’s to unload.
CONNECTION TO NATURE: Find additional practices to connect with nature besides walking. Vacation more often. Yearly trips to Yosemite 😉 Planting things in her new garden room.
REFLECTION ON CHANGE: How do these things bring joy? If they don’t, don’t do them!
A cool little nature connection we did was notice the seasons and how it is a structure of change. A git from Mother Earth, that is normal and imperative to the function of the environment, and not something to be afraid of. We talked about the wild flowers that were outside, that were enjoying the warm sun one day and then getting covered in spring snow, and how RESILIENT they are (just like her)! Things in life come up and back again several times. What have we learned in the past and how do we deal with it this time? I also wanted her to notice that her move to Colorado was a good choice, made with serious intention, and she was right where she needed to be.
Wendy’s Judge and Child are strong parts of her. They tend to take over when things don’t ‘seem’ to be going as planned. Wendy also spoke about her relationship with her Father and how, although full of joy and respect, can sometimes cause these parts to kick into high gear. She started to change her mantra a bit to “I am joy and live a joyful life”. Wendy talked about how Joy comes from the Soul, so we spent some time speaking from the Soul and how the Soul can be checked in with often.
I personally feel that Partswork is an amazing tool, but can be very intrusive and emotional to our clients. I think having a strong connection and solid trust with your client, allows them to really dig deep into Partswork. Michael did an amazing session with Wendy that I observed and plan to take with me to work with my own clients. I call it the ‘Wendy and Wood Pole Dad.’ Michael did a great job with calling out Wendy’s different parts and physically having her move to get into these parts. When Wendy would say ‘you should…’ he would interject with ‘who’s saying that?’ He also did a great job with mirroring her body language as those parts. I think this really helps the client with language and point of view. The coach and client can notice the emotions/feelings associated with that part, and you can have the client verbalize that. Michael ended up having Wendy eventually talk to her Dad (the Wood Pole in the Star House), as a threshold experiment. It was important to see that he focused on the STRENGTH that Wendy and that Part had in that moment, and congratulated that Part for it. He then tied it together, by having her go back to her Mandala and do a final check-in with those Parts (integration).
I felt that Wendy and I did a great job of coming to her greater need and want, identifying what needed to happen for change, coming up with a plan, and being gentle with herself. From watching Michael interact with Wendy, I gathered a lot of great ideas of ways to work Partswork into sessions with my clients. I would say it takes a certain level of confidence on both sides to go deep with this theory, but it can be really amazing and super helpful for your client. -
Amanda:
I feel like you did a really great job with your client in the ability to bring significant parts to the table and ask them so pretty direct questions. I think that may have really helped your clients embrace that part, in order to speak it’s truth. Asking questions like, ‘what does you want/need, what are you scared of, how are you serving this person?’, gave your client a voice for some of his parts that maybe aren’t always heard from. I personally could tell that your sessions with him really got him to start breaking down the walls he has built so high around him. I worked with him later that week, and he was very confident in his parts and their place in his world, and was able to speak authentically from each of them. I give you credit for getting him to that point! Great job!
I thought your connection with the soul and two other parts, was really special, and also well guided by you. I feel like sometimes as a coach, I forget to recognize the Soul and the importance of it to the client. Great job with that!
I wonder if you were able to do any threshold experiments with your client, and see if he was able to recognize the Little Boy’s needs, and then start figuring out ways that he could incorporate those into his daily life? -
Kent:
So awesome!!! And as Elizabeth said, ‘all through Zoom.’ Wow! I loved the connection to nature with her own words/mantra and quote from her grandmother whom had passed. In relation to her mantra of ‘My shell is cracked open and I’m ready to grow,’ I thought about how cool it would be to create (or have her create, since it was long distance), an acorn essence. She could collect acorns and set them in water for some time and then strain that water off to use when she repeats her mantra! So great! I hope you continue to get to work with her.