[Lisa Dahlgren]

Summary Post: Utilizing parts work is always delightful. It is great as a way for clients to assess where they are and where they are moving to, as well as provides an experience where they are in the moment and have “aha” sensations of recognition and shift. I have completed my wander and chosen a basket of natural items to replace the soft balls in my office. There has not yet been an opportunity for me to bring out the items because I completed the wander just a few days ago, but I am looking forward to using them. When I take clients into their inner world, instead of using an external representations of parts, it is harder for them. But it yields wonderful results as they have the felt sensation of being in relationship with their parts. And a felt sensation when shifts occur. I do not know of any studies that have looked at what the brain is doing when that is occurring, and I look forward to having a brain picture of what is activated and what is going on when clients connect in that way and the exact moment of shift. It is visible when that shift occurs and most people have such a vivid sensation of the shift that they keep it in their memory for a long time. I do enjoy parts work for it’s clarity, versatility, and helpfulness.

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Hi Ben, Yes, I agree with you about parts work making things seem like they come alive, and how it is so great to help people incorporate and get into a part. When we were out at Starhouse doing the parts work on the land it was so gratifying to me to be able to move with the “client” and be with them as they seemed to become more free in their own body: voicing, standing, facing, bending, enacting the soul-part work. I was a child therapist for the first half of my career, and I miss all the dramatic play and crawling around on the floor and being with my clients under my desk, etc. Parts work in nature seems more like that kind of work to me. And aren’t we all just really kids anyway, in grown up bodies and with grown up responsibilities? OK. I guess that is just self-disclosure.

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Congrats, Ben! You always seem to me to have such a great awareness of your intuition and read on where people are at, and your statement that your client felt to you that he was already ready for parts work seems like it is just another example of how those talents were used by you. After reading Sandy’s post about using gym equipment as parts I was sparked to write about using balls in my office. As amusing, in an endearing way, as it is for me at times to look around my office and see where balls get perched, I have to say my internal image of how gym equipment would be used for the parts process seems even more so. I have a friend who has a basket of interesting puppets ranging from people-looking puppets such as a police man to animal and fantastical creature puppets such as dragons. When she does part work with her client she offers her basket for people to choose from to represent their parts. After reading your post and Sandy’s response as well as rereading my own post, I have decided to take a wander asap and gather nature objects to replace my balls. It always sounds to me when I read your posts and experiences that you are such an asset to those you work with. As I have said before, I have never met someone like you, combining all the things you do and in such interesting and helpful ways, and it is such an inspiration. I hope the work you do with this client continues to bring you joy and satisfaction.

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Initial Post: Hey everyone! I enjoy parts work and incorporate it into so much. Some of it is a formal undertaking of interviewing parts and working to have different parts speak and feel understood by soul, and sometimes (especially when it feels like I am in a difficult place with a client and they are embodying a part in a whole manner) I remind myself I am speaking to a particular part and that helps me stay on track. And then sometimes I feel parts of me wanting to step forward or having a reaction to what a client is saying or doing and I use part work on myself to stay grounded and centered. The client I will talk about today is someone that I have worked with for awhile, and so she is used to speaking about parts and getting the perspective of parts. When she is emotionally charged, feeling helpless and overly-triggered, however, it can still be hard for her to take a breath and center enough to use part work. For the most part I don’t have clients who want to use the out of doors, and that is how she is, and so sometimes we use objects in my room like we used the trees and rocks at Starhouse. I have a basket of soft balls next to where people sit and sometimes we use those, arranging them in the patterns of their felt mandalas or just bringing forward a few parts. Even when this particular client is losing a sense of perspective, however, by using the balls she usually can often regain the perspective more easily. In this particular session she was upset about a challenge she felt was between her and a coworker. As we identified the challenge as being internal for her between several parts that conflicted with one another she remained upset, and then found she was also in touch with a part of her that felt betrayed by the work we were doing in that she had expected to reach the end of life’s challenges by doing the work, and yet here she was, being challenged again. So we had several balls out on the floor between us and on the chairs around my office. She even had a ball that was angry at me for reflecting that her original challenge was between parts of herself, not between her and her coworker as she had not wanted to accept that despite agreeing with my reflection. I am glad that ball stayed on the floor and didn’t get aimed at me. 🙂 As we worked with the parts she would break away from the work to say she was feeling she needed answers and “what to do” about the situation, but allowed herself to be redirected to working with the balls. After she and I interviewed several of the key balls together, she was able to more clearly hear them and came to her own conclusion about how she wanted to handle the coworker situation that was in alignment with the person she is striving to become. The drop in energy was quite amazing as she went through this process, from a frenetic overwrought sensation, to one of clarity and calm. How great the parts work is! We laughed together, as we collected all the balls, about how funny it might look to those who didn’t know what we were doing if they had walked into my office and saw balls lying all over. It was a pretty funny sight.

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Summary post: Hello to everyone. My summary post is going to include a few things about two new clients and starting to develop their “long-term” coaching plan. The first is one person, the other is a mother-son client(s). Both of these I met for the first time last week, with the idea that I would develop a long-term coaching plan for each. For the first individual, one of the initial challenges I noticed was how many different places he was on the spiral of stages of change. The over-riding issue is that he is newly separated from his wife at her request because she feels he is not emotionally available enough for her. They have a young child. Obviously, to be at this point in the marriage they have circled around this issue in many ways and with multiple therapists attempting to be a part of help for them. He came to our first session with multiple strategies and awarenesses about behavior change that he feels helps the issue, and he has been committed, relapsed, and recommitted to many of those changes over the past five years. Other aspects he disavows and denies and is possibly in a precontemplative stage shaken now by his wife refusing to live with him. Some aspects of change he is contemplating but feels hopeless about (such as learning how to identify sensations as feelings and then giving them a name and voicing them). And some he is uncertain about if he even wants to attempt even if he doesn’t feel hopeless about changing them (for example he really enjoys the travel his work allows him to do although he recognizes he could easily request a different, non-travel, experience, and believes that if he didn’t travel it would help his wife feel more connected to him). His sense of deeper need is articulated right now as him living to his full potential as a human being which he feels includes the ability to identify and process emotions as well as respond to loved ones, which he most closely attaches to being a parent and not so much to being a partner. In developing a long term plan I see in my mind’s eye drawing the many aspects of change like a spiraling wheel with himself at the center which means to me some aspect of fluidity but building on foundations he already knows and has energy for creating. The nature-connected activities would follow from where in the spiral we are currently working and I think would vary between using nature to support what he is already doing and being in nature and with nature to help explore his inner world in a way he can see and have an external relationship to.

My other client(s) have had years of estrangement, brought to a head when the mother had a catastrophic head injury a year ago. The injury crystalized the felt need from both of them to make things right due to the limitations of life/death, and has created organically-generated personality changes which the son struggles with on top of what he already struggled with regarding his mom. One challenge of our first session is that they both want to leap in and make the changes and be done with the process. And for each of them the change they see as most valuable and helpful comes from the other person making the changes. It seemed to help for them to take some time to describe themselves to each other, but for me to also request they speak individually to me at times while I gave reflection and observation to each as an individual with the other one watching. For their long-term plan I envision a linear process of laying the foundation of discovery and awareness, building individual mandalas that they can share with each other even as we discuss what they feel are the important issues between them. Here, they are both comfortable and want the nature experience, so I am eager to see how we can potentially take their mandalas created in the office to the land and do the 3-D part work like we did at Starhouse.

I have enjoyed reading everyone’s posts and having Daniel and Ivy demonstrate ways of planning for long-term coaching. In reviewing the readings the one I felt helped the most right now for me was the spiral of change. How quickly I can forget the specifics of what has been taught, and so it was great to review.

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Hi Sandy! I think I know a bit about this client you wrote about as I think you have presented her in the past. It is fascinating to read about how you guys are doing, and your ability to lead and follow, lead and follow, with her. Sometimes I feel like I can even feel her energy through how you speak of your sessions.

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Hello Josh, I wanted to comment about your flexibility in working with this client, staying true to your needs and the direction you are going while working compassionately with her needs and what she is seeking. I loved hearing about your plans for your talents and tools, and a struck again even with that at how lovely you do the dance of weaving into new things while caring for yourself, all in a very flexible manner. I hope you continue to give updates about your vision and how that journey goes along.

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Hey Ben, Did you propose the change to your clients yet? I would be so happy to hear how that goes. I think it is so great that you just go ahead and deal with these things, even though it is nerve wracking and so hard when we have to take a hit in the wallet. I imagine that they will remain as clients, as well, especially after experiencing how you are in a session. I guess we all these type of things going on. I find it takes a lot of courage in those situations. good luck!

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Hi Adriana, I really like the idea of a questionnaire prior to meeting. I have played around with a couple of them. What do you think is important to ask about? What did you decide to focus on as you build yours? I would be so happy to know these things if you want to discuss them.

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Hello all, once again! So a few days ago I had a very interesting conversation with a group of therapists. Due to an unfortunate event one of the therapist had, the group got on the topic of coaches and their deep concerns about how coaches work with clients. Obviously I am invested in what they observe, wanting to be a good coach, so I asked them to list their top concerns so I could do some research.

Here is the list they generated: 1.) emotionally abandoning clients, 2.) motivating clients through shame, 3.) not coordinating with them when they share a client with a coach, 4.) giving advise to clients about things the coaches do not really know about.

The group met this past Monday, so it is really fresh for me and has given me a lot to consider. It seems like these things fit with some of the issues in long term coaching, and so that is one reason why I am writing this now. The one observation that I have really investigated since then is “emotionally abandoning clients”. I chose this first because emotionally abandoning clients is a big deal. It is painful for the client when it occurs, it can erase gains that were made, and it reduces a clients desire to try again. It can also make a client really mad at you, which is no fun.

My first question regarding this issue, was this: is it even possible for coaches to emotionally abandon clients? What I mean is, do we assume the constructs of being a coach takes us to places where there even is the possibility of “abandoning” our clients? If we are not players on that field, then my friends’ top concern is not even valid. It would be like saying “I observe my podiatrist can not fix my car transmission, and that concerns me”. It is not a valid expectation of the podiatrist and so the concern is one of clarity not validity. Other ways I have heard this said is: we are coaches, not therapists.

So we aren’t therapists, but does that really mean we are not on that playing field, anyway? What is the playing field of emotional abandonment? Well, depth of intimacy is one factor, and then depth of dependence, is another.

ICF defines coaching as: “partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential”. The website: http://www.realbalancewellness.wordpress.com states that, “coaching is not a helping profession, it is an assisting profession”. How close is a “partner” and an “assistant”? Perhaps the depth of intimacy in the coaching relationship is not in the range where emotional abandonment needs to be a concern.

Regarding depth of dependence: one of the foundation pieces of coaching philosophy is that the client is responsible for themself-again as stated in ICF outreach and elsewhere. There are several ICF videos available on line that talk about coaching and state this foundation piece in several different ways. I’ve just watched some of them. I think the way it is presented is that coaches could not emotionally abandon clients because of the coaching philosophy of the client being responsible for themselves. You wear your lifejacket in this relationship and elsewhere in your emotional life and I will wear mine, kind of thing. There is now no way I could be responsible for you floundering in our relationship no matter how I act because you are supposed to be wearing your lifejacket. Dependency-where the risk of abandonment and the risk of the effects of abandonment are higher- is specifically not fostered in a coaching relationship in a variety of great ways because of this philosophy. So again, maybe a concern regarding emotional abandonment is not valid and coaches neither need concern themselves with it nor have specific training about it other than remembering to keep having their clients problems and solutions be their clients problems and solutions.

So I then went to the competencies to see how issues of regulating intimacy are addressed, remembering that the deeper the intimacy the more potential there is for negative effects if abandonment occurs. I found-well, virtually every competency regarding the coaching process are methods of promoting intimacy. The process of discovery, awareness, and identifying deeper needs automatically places the coaching relationship in a position of increased intimacy (we might even say extreme intimacy), client vulnerability, and the activation of parts that enjoy, even feel a NEED for being more fully witnessed, heard, and understood. Prime territory for potential emotional abandonment.

Then I looked at social psychology and found that the top 10 methods of increasing bonding and attachment between people include: creating a common goal, doing something adventurous or outside the exiting comfort zone, frequency of meeting, and sharing hardships and challenges (www.bustle.com). What that is telling me is that even if we did not engage in the competencies with our clients, just being coached contains elements that most effectively deepen a relationship. Therefore, there is a ton of things involved in coaching that takes us into the most intimate range of relationship. We really aren’t the mechanically clueless podiatrist. We are very fully on the playing field.

Next on my list was looking at research around the brain and bonding. I found a few things: Positive social interaction increases oxytocin in the brain. Trust in a relationship is associate with higher oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is a hormone that is known to promote feelings of love and well-being and is both produced by bonding and assists with bonding, attachment, and exclusivity (www.yourhormones.into). Attachment and exclusivity are key components in dependence. Dopamine is also involved in attachment, and increasingly activates the “reward” and “pleasure” portions of the brain.

Therefore, individuals bond when there is a high level of intimacy. Bonding greatly enhances attachment and exclusivity (dependency) through hormones. Hormones then start to drive and heighten continued intimacy, and exclusivity. Additionally, new studies regarding oxytocin (www.sciencedaily.com) have noted that the downside of oxytocin is that it also increases the pain of memories of negative social interactions (potentially setting someone up to fear the loss of a current attachment figure even more), and promotes fear and anxiety in future stressful situations (potentially lowering an individual’s capacity for independently behaving outside their comfort zone).

So there may be a philosophy of client independence in ICF, but philosophy is not brain functioning. What if our brains are wired to become attached and dependent when we are in an intimate relationship even when that relationship is attempting to promote independence? Can a philosophy of independence be enough to overcome the very brain functioning which we as coaches actually have promoted?

I am now questioning what I feel is the ICFs extremely nuanced, “we aren’t, but we are” messages. When I look at the website, the intimacy is downplayed to a partnership, so we aren’t in the same place as therapists who are taught a lot about attachment and how to avoid emotional abandonment. But look at the competencies and we are actively fostering some of the most intimate ways we can be with another person, and without competencies based on awareness of the difficulties of that intimacy. Because we are coaches we are to build on the philosophy of independence (so we aren’t at a place where we need be concerned) but the power of what we do promotes dependency (so we are). “We aren’t, but we are.”

I am so grateful that our training at EBI really emphasizes things that can reduce difficulties in the coaching relationship, including an awareness of emotional abandonment. However, my awareness that this issue about coaches is high on these therapists list is now a concern of mine. I want to more fully explore how coaches can be helped to not have that happen. What I feel I have found out with my investigations is that if we say that potential harm can’t happen given we are coaches not therapists, we are in denial. And if we say that we are trained well enough through the competencies so that it won’t happen we are deluding ourselves, and now that I know a bit more about brain functioning, if we believe that we are immune from having to be aware of potential negative aspects of a coaching relationship because we follow the philosophy of client independence, we are possibly wrong.

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Initial Post: My situation gets complicated at times because people come to me seeking therapy, and I want to offer coaching. So with those in which it seems that coaching would be a good option for the both of us, I offer coaching but then need to tell them why making the change to coaching would work even better for them than therapy, and then usually sell them on the idea that it would be so much better to be coached that they are willing to pay out of pocket for it. Also, since I increased my rates as I became a professional coach-now having even more training behind me-I also have to sell them on the idea of how much of an investment they are making in themselves and why even that is a benefit rather than using insurance. I have found that being able to quickly help a client take clear, personal, control of their goals and milestones from the beginning really seems to help with the whole concept for them of changing from a therapy to coaching model. One of the ways it seems for me to achieve this now is for me to be mindful of myself having a greater sense of distance from their stated difficulties than I typically had as a therapist. Even with these challenges, I have a hand-full of coaching clients, and that has given me some opportunity to look at how I am establishing the coaching vs therapy relationship, talk about long term goals, and establish yaystones. Right now, except for the difference I mentioned just now about distance, I see a lot of similarities between setting up long term therapy and long term coaching.

I have tried it a couple of different ways to try to get coaching clients that want to work in a nature-connected way but none of those ways have panned out yet. So the coaching clients I have now still meet with me in my office and although they may incorporate nature things at times in their work and because of my passion, it is still not a full-out nature connected experience for them. so right now I draw a lot on my experiences as a therapist to help people with long-term connection (between they and I), establishing goals, and keep them both focused and motivated to continue in the long term. I do have a new coaching client I am meeting for the first time next week-specifically is coming for the coaching- and so I may be able to post about my experience with that person in the future.

My therapy experience has been that people appreciate taking a step back every so often to review where they have come from and to celebrate again their milestones and progress, as well as review their goals to see how they may want to adjust or redefine them. I think I used to do that on a timed-basis, that is, after so many meetings or such amount of time, I would just build it into our meeting plans. For some time, however, doing that kind of review is also based off of the sense of energy around what we are working toward. If the energy starts to lag, it sort of signals that a short review and possible reset is something to look at. Also, it seems so important for me to keep a mindset of looking for progress and pointing it out, referring back to how their old self may have completed a situation or challenge vs how they are reporting doing it currently. It seems so easy to weave that into observations, such as, “just two meeting times ago I was hearing you say/do/believe/ ______, and now I am hearing _____. Ha! What do you know? What do you make of that, anyway”

I am just in the midst of reviewing the recordings and some of the readings for this toolbox. I wanted to get this initial post out there to be in discussion with others as the posts come in, but I am hoping that I will have more helpful things to write about as I am reviewing more of the meetings and readings, and listening to what others say.

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Hi Sandy,

I am so glad that you commented on my post! It is nice to read your thoughts, and have you take an interest in my clients. yes, I think the second client does have a more complicated grief, and a more complicated relationship to grief, too. I was also just so struck by the function it had in our sessions. It was kind of like when I am curious with someone about how something might be for them and they say, “That is such an interesting question. In fact, I was just listening to a pod-cast the other day that talks about…..” and I am observing that we zoomed into the head space pretty fast there and might be getting distant from other aspects about how something was for them. I hope that example helps give the flavor of how things were with the second client. Like, it was grief but it had a function, too. Thanks again for your thoughtful comments, I am going to miss having contact with cohorts on a more regular basis. Hope you are doing well.

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Hi Ben, Cool that you got to use so many of the techniques we are working on, and that you decided to keep with it even when you were questioning how it was working for your client. It helped me a lot to read about how you combined the techniques together and with nature and how that all worked so well. It was really easy to see the whole progression of things in the way you explained it. Thank you.

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Hello, Ben, I loved reading your post when you posted it, and again re-reading it now. I loved it because you speak in such an open way about your work. I thought it was such a great idea to use the boundaries around your relationship with the client to propel you into work that might be so new to your client. It really seemed to set the stage well. And then it seems like it also helped you to keep things at a great place in terms of working as a professional instead of as a friend, and for being in that great space of just trying new things without too many expectations.

[Lisa Dahlgren]

Hi Taylor,

I am struck by how limiting it must feel to be in corporate and so glad that you can be more of your true nature when working with clients. I, too, love partswork, and am celebrating that you find it so liberating for you, for your work, and for your clients.