Matthew Nannis
Forum Replies Created
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SUMMARY POST: I feel a strong emotional bond to this group and to this material. I also have an appreciation and respect for each and every one of you. And feel, in reflection, an uplifting grief? Must grief be sad? There will, of course, be more effort required for us all to share space together in the physical sense – although, even when we could all fly/drive/mountain bike to the top of a mountain to start diving in to our own “stuff” through this material, it wasn’t all that “easy” then either! I’ve spent the past 7 years or thereabouts with a number of reframes, many essential to my continuing to grow in usefulness and understanding of the world within and the world without. To that end, I invite the consideration that grief can be celebratory. That the absence of this curriculum, via homework assignments, ZOOM’n, CO intensives only asks us to all be more creative, intentional, and proactive in maintaining the bonds we have cultivated over this past year (15 months…ish).
And while I am fairly confident that this was not the original motivation behind the words, they ring true for me in our context:i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
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INITIAL POST: I have found that this lens of grief has helped me to facilitate rapport and work towards supporting my practice client’s experience. This particular reflection relates to a practice client session that occurred the week following this session. I had reviewed the paperwork that was provided to gain some semblance of context to what she was going through and get an idea on where, maybe, the session might head toward. What I find so useful about the context of this intensive/topic is that grief, as we were discussing in the beginning of this portion of the week, universal. That the elements of loss are uniting. While the experience of grief varies and may be completely subjective, it is not a foreign concept that has to be presented/explained/revisited as say Partswork would likely be. I say that because, in reflecting on this particular initial post, it is apparent to me that there is a thread that can be traced through each of the clients that I have done work with. Whether it be those in early recovery who are grieving a myriad of relationships and expectations, or someone in the early stages of a relationship change – interesting aside that I have spoken with clients both around the grieving of an ending relationship and the grieving of their perceived loss of independence as a result of a budding relationship (even one that they were thrilled to be a part of)! – or what I have held as a more ‘traditional’ conception of grief in relating to loss of life.
The way that the grief counseling principles informed this particular session were largely based around the ideas of permission: listening for places in her story where they may be opportunities to offer up permission to experience her experience (maybe not embrace, yet…but acknowledge surely) and in the ideas around grief being both bonding and timeless even. This helped me stay open and patient with my client. As I write that, I am curious if I am often all that impatient when working with practice clients, because this lens of the grief principles/content really made me aware of solid patience and calm.
What proved to be the most challenging aspect of this first session on what I will call here anticipatory grief, was that it felt jumbled up within the client’s story with how her grief was going to impact her partner and her children: this unfair burden of how her grief was going to impact them. It was tricky to navigate how I could invite curiosity into this being a deflection, or a way to dismiss her own experience and focus on theirs, AND that this was all a solid commitment to something that hadn’t happened yet.
I really leaned in to the rapport and trust that we were working towards since we began to provide myself as a grounding resource during our time together, more so to provide something to anchor in to and acknowledge “how are you feeling as you share with me this concern about how things might play out?” we sort of role-played voicing her concerns and providing some “alternative endings” to the script she was so certain was going to play out.
Ultimately we were still dancing around deeper need by the time the session came to a close. It is interesting to me, and has been something I have enjoyed sitting with since this intensive, that basically in the context of the severance process, the coach is inviting and holding a safe space for the client throughout a grieving process. The identification of a deeper need through awareness of conflict is an invitation to sit with that which is no longer serving and the threshold becomes an opportunity to experience a path maybe not free of that grief, but life with that grief having less of a hold on the client’s experience. In general, this idea of grief has been something that I have played with in many contexts with clients who are in recovery as many of the flareups around those group interactions have to do with the loss of a lifestyle, or coping skill and the conflict between awareness that it was self-harming and destructive and somehow also effective and comforting. So I have really appreciated this intensive in that it has provided some affirmation in looking through many sessions I have had for a while now as relating to grief as well as keeping a calm, patient ear and heart open as a practice client relays his/her story. OHHH: and it also has reframed my perspective on a client “getting stuck in the story” Julie mentioned something about the act of sharing stories ab out what the grief is around as a way to break or lesson the emotional bond to the event. Prior to that I had viewed the “getting stuck in the story” as an obstacle to progress when working with a client. As in, “oh boy! He/she/they are getting stuck in their story again!” whereas now, I have new insight into supporting and embracing this part of my client’s path as an important part of their own healing! (I guess my agenda/timeline just keeps jumping in there!! Good to know and continue to keep an eye on!)
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SUMMARY: I feel that the more insights into the intricacies of brain function as it relates to change really helps me hold space for the process that my client is taking on. This is a PROCESS. And the validation from recognizing the Sisyphus like climb that might potentially lie before our clients is a wonderful place to build the foundation of the coach client relationship. The impact that this intensive and the way it has informed my engagement with clients has me seeking out the next training and the next one! To continue to find and practice all these access points to support healing and growth (and actualization?!). I continuously return to something Katie Asmus brought up throughout our trauma intensive: that, when there is safety and security, the mind and body heal themselves. The more of these tools I can continue to integrate into how I show up for clients and humans in my life in general, the more healing and growth I can have the privilege of being a part of as I travel my own road!
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INITIAL: I actually had a new client sign up through Psychology Today page for the first time, which was exciting. We spent a LOT of time in the story and then there was consistently a sudden and abrupt stop when we got to the general vicinity of conflict/need. The deeper dive into Brain 2 was able to provide me with a lot of patience and awareness around what I perceived to be blind spots? The awareness of the want was there, it was there from the first few minutes of the video call. And it was really interesting to basically be listening to this client describe what needed to be removed/altered/updated as far as her behavior. There was a lot of time during this particular session exploring the question that Michael presented to our cohort: “If you didn’t have to resolve this, how would you feel?”. We kept returning to this at about the 45 min mark in a variety of wording and then we stepped away from it and got back in to the story. It was fascinating to almost sense how efficiently this client’s brain was sticking with the rut that they found themselves in through conditioned behavior. The details around what new behaviors were desired was crystal clear. However, it became clear eventually that these ‘new behaviors’ were actually assigned to this client from the client’s partner. That this session was happening because there was trouble in the relationship and their behavior was now being met with ultimatums. This clarity actually resulted in my feeling more comfortable with the rut I was witnessing as it felt very similar to other mandated clients that I’ve worked with for a while now. Not that this person was ordered to seek NCC so much as the motivation was external. It aloud us to spend time discussing Intention for the balance of the session. As it is still quite a new depth of the concepts from this last intensive, I wasn’t really using the vocabulary as it was presented per se; however, we talked a lot about motivating factors, inside and out. We explored where there might be overlap with what others wanted/expected for this person and what this person wanted themselves. I am hopeful that we can come up with a long-term coaching agreement as I noticed a number of elements to this person’s story, this person’s “why” that resonated with not only my own, but also those with whom I have worked over the years. We shall see how it plays out.
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SUMMARY: I was not even aware of hearing the concept of an interject when we were first introduced to partswork at star house. I know it wasn’t part of that introduction section; however, it was SUCH a nuanced layer to this intensives deeper-dive that it has added such awareness to how I walk through the day. The impact of that has resulted in a boosted commitment to reviewing my own mandala and taking snapshots throughout my day. All of this greatly supports my ability as a coach to play around in Partswork. In reading through these posts and the ensuing discussion, it is reminding me of my own level of comfort with the fundamentals of Partswork and more so with my willingness to lean in to my own self-discovery using partswork as a lens. The impact of one of our practice sessions during the intensive when Michael had taken the wheel to help me suss out an interject and what the h#ll it was doing to my snapshot and perspective was such a transformative experience that it has inspired me to rekindle my efforts and commitment to all the elements of the toolbox we have been introduced to. Some may fit well with where I’m at at any given time, some may not; however, by cultivating some consistency with practicing them myself, I can be more confident and responsible in my facilitation of these practices with my clients.
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INITIAL POST: establish reviewing my own mandala as part of my own personal routine – both as I am starting my day and also when I begin to prepare for interactions whether they be business meetings, general work outings, board meetings, etc. – the more attuned I find myself in general to not only those around me, but also to myself. As a result, I have a focused ear when both listening to my practice client as well as when I offer up feedback (if requested or willing to be received) to my practice client. Occasionally, I can basically sense a shift in my own baseline, or maybe the baseline of the session and my contribution to it, and by being curious myself about whether or not I have begun to shift into another part in the middle of a session, I can maintain integrity and authenticity with my practice client. The experience has arisen on only a few occasions; however, when it has (and when I am actually aware that it has) I can model that awareness and speak to my client in a way that displays some clear communication around the practice of enfolding Partswork into our sessions. I have yet to have a session with a client since beginning our intensives on this topic, where I do not hear it mentioned at least once that “part of me feels like _____…”
It is so valuable to allow that to come up organically in my experience so far and to highlight the languaging around the client’s own experience through an accurate reflection. Allows for a “This is something that most of us do quite regularly. I’m curious if you would like to establish some routine and practice around this type of self-reflection with a little more intentionality around it…” It has typically resulted in willingness as well as some foundational confidence in knowing that this is something that is not as new as they may have initially assumed.
I think that it would be a wonderful exercise to explore what sensations of connection with the environment different parts might have over the course of a long-term coaching contract. It would greatly inform me as the coach during a session as well as provide some dynamic meaning making for my client as we explored shining a light on not only how his/her/their own demeanor shifts when stepping into a new part, but also how that impacts the way the view and interact with the world. -
SUMMARY POST:
This online discussion has truly informed the behind-the-curtain elements of my work as well as adding to some fascinating insights into the work that all of you are doing. What comes up for me in reflection is that there is a thread of evolving from the limitations or presumed limited applicability of long-term coaching as an approach to client sessions towards the lens of long-term coaching enhancing not only the overall approach with clients, but also being present as a guide for each individual session with clients. The cohorts thinking is so forward and engaging and exciting (it’s contagious!) I have been in a number of discussions with people in the recovery field around the union of what’s called the acute-care model of treatment, where the individual deemed to require alcohol and drug treatment is removed from the environment; quarantined, so to speak, for 30/60/90 days; given information about the disease model and some skills and new behaviors to model and incorporate; and then is returned to the same environment or a totally new one without much further engagement. The other approach, which I feel is more aligned with the work that all of us are embracing in our own ways, is called the recovery management model, where by the facilitators, supports, and peers are involved in the healing the community and the individual as a member of that community. If anyone here is familiar with Don Coyhis’ (Mohican Nation) and his White Bison Wellbriety movement? It basically drums down to (oversimplification coming!) we cannot pull the tree from the poisoned soil, trim and prune the tree and replant it without also tending to the soil! It is a community effort; it is a big picture/long-term effort. It challenges dichotomy approaches of success/failure, good/bad, healthy/unhealthy. It acknowledges a continuum of journey, of progress being subjective, of healing being anything-but-linear.
I do not consider this as a tangent, but rather a valuable overlay for me in the applicability of what we covered during the May intensive and how it relates to my work with PIVOTPoint WNC. The added impact of long-term coaching module for me is this amazing amount of space that I have grown aware of in holding space for groups. I am amped to continue to explore both in-the-moment perspectives and a 1000’ perspective while engaging in client-led healing and growth. So stoked! -
Such a powerful takeaway, Kim! Holding space for whatever our client brings to the session. I consider your reflection while also going back to Michael’s commentary that, in all likelihood, our clients are bringing their “best selves” to our shared time. What a privilege. I have no doubts as to the accuracy of your tracking your client in this, I am simply curious about your assessment that the labeling of her process as grief would make the client uncomfortable. I am also curious what avenues you think that such a discomfort might open up if you had labeled it as grief and she had settled in to discomfort. Holding space. Being in nature. Letting it be. Just beautiful, Kim! Thank you.
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Sheri – I have been work with a local organization that offers grief services to those who otherwise could not afford them in a collaborative effort for a project. Anyways, these questions were the focal point of our most recent exchanges. And I think that this, too, goes back to something Julie referred to in our initial discussions around defining grief. Currently, it sits something like an emotional bond between the griever and an absence. Through that lens, is it a part of grief or a byproduct? I get caught up (shocking, I know!!!) with the fun intellectualizing of this stuff. I almost used the term “minutiae” instead of stuff; but there’s nothing trivial about these processes. Maybe I’m guided, by your reply here, to an awareness that my tendencies to intellectualize actually creates the shift from significance to minutiae – in the way that repeating a word over and over again can lead to a loss of meaning…
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I really appreciate those guided questions around the story itself, Sheri! Thank you for sharing these reframes.
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Taylor: thank you for sharing this experience about a not-quite-fit! This has happened a handful of times for me both with clients and in recovery work outside of the NCC coaching lane. It is so reaffirming to read your take of the experience. That it can be, in fact, quite a challenging one. I am so curious as to the way you and this individual navigated the closing of the session. Or rather, how you both came to the conclusion it wasn’t what he was looking for. Just my own curiosity there. I also appreciate you owning how fascinating you find the “why” and wanting to enthusiastically share that/convey that with a client. AND how that is not necessarily what the client is into. It’s such a dance, isn’t it?
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This sounds so amazing Nadine. I read so much confidence and flow in your practice client reflections of late! You relaying these tracking instincts into when to push/probe with your client, and when to let things sit: it’s so exciting even to read. The work we have all done in the intensives and that you have clearly done in between them comes across with absolute clarity in your recounting of your practice sessions. I find the ability to sit with, as a coach, “hmmm…this isn’t tracking…this is off somehow…” is such a visceral response and also a tricky one for me when it arises (is that my ego/agenda cropping up?! or am I on target and they’re deflecting?!). Sounds like real effective work in identifying the “off” and redirecting/coming up with a new approach!
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Rolling with the technical shortcomings with mapping out your client’s Partswork snapshot feels brilliant when I read this, Nadine! It brings up a connection to me in the way that a reflection is so powerful whether it is spot on or WAY off base! Either way, there is so much more information to run with. I can see how asking a client to be quite specific and directive in guiding their coach to create the snapshot could provide such depth in the content: “who is directing me to arrange your snapshot?” “is it still ____?” The preparedness of having a back up on paper is also a wonderful insight into where your practice client is at on the need vs commitment graph, too! In your synopsis I feel tremendous patience and confidence in how you facilitated this/these sessions. Inspiring! Thanks!
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I was thinking this when I wrote up my initial post, too! That’s awesome! The interplay between various parts and how they interact with the environment during a session. It feels like it would add so much depth to the session (both in the moment: I see how it could help inform incorporation by adding a level of mindfulness to where the client is at in the moment; as well as over the course of a long-term coaching contract). I am curious what challenges in particular (if there’s an appropriate way to get into that here) you have found in regards to facilitating Partswork over the computer. I was so impressed with the Jamboard app during the intensive that I signed PIVOTPoint WNC up for a ZOOM account just to start messing with the other elements of how to best engage with clients virtually…maybe this could be a fun discussion offline if that proves easier, too!
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HAHA! That’s awesome! So fascinating what can come to the surface! Thank you for offering this clarification, Sheri! Good insights into where I’m at too, that I read it the way that I did!