[Shari]

I love the Brain and Change lessons and find that my enthusiasm for it is contagious to my clients. My approach to the science is one of mystery and exploration. As has been stated repeatedly, we are nature and understanding the brain and nervous system is to begin to understand the wisdom and mystery of the nature that has created us and that we are an integral part of. Coming from a holistic health, largely naturopathic background I completely agree with Katie Asmus (thanks for the reminder Matt) when she explains the power of safety and security to heal mind and body. When the body is given the support it need, supplements, foods, movement, sleep, etc…it heals. The same can be said of the mind, and the more we understand the brain and nervous system the more we can figure out what it takes to provide the safety and security that facilitates healing. It is individual to the individual.

Besides the above my take away from this session is a foundational understanding of how the various parts of the brain contribute to neuroplasticity. There are so many areas to the brain it is complex and yet as my understanding increases it sometimes seems simple. Like melody, one of my favorite parts, and I talk a lot about it with my clients, is the RAS. How awesome the power of being able to program the mind to seek out and bring to us that which we looking for. And the Prefrontal cortex, wow, take the high road and change your life. I know it’s not that easy but with practice and focus we can change the habit of being ourselves and move from the old personality to a new personality. We have the potential to heal on all levels.

I think what I love most about brain and change is the hope that it provides. Life is not meant to be stagnant. Physically and mindfully we are meant to move to be adaptable (resilient) and to evolve. For those who are not happy with their lives or aspects of their lives becoming informed about the nervous system , the grand canyon, the well-worn paths and the neuroplasticy to create new paths provides hope. My take away from the Brain and Change module is that there is always hope.

[Shari]

Summary Post Partswork 2

After reading through the posts I wondered which part of me was doing the processing and writing of my own summary post. Of course the obedient self (introject? Hmm) was there, but more at the forefront was the learner, the lifelong learner that just loves to take in this stuff. It then became obvious that several parts work together, probably most or all of the time, to accomplish goals, learn and generally experience and live life. ..I know that is what the mandala is showing. But while all the parts were there in a hierarchical fashion I had been more focused on the singularity of a part in a given moment or situation. Focusing on a dominant part helps us to get to know ourselves on a deeper level. My parts talk to each other all the time, sometimes out loud!!! For me this is very much how I ascertain the levels of awareness in Mindsight. Mindsight, aware of the awareness, is very much by parts being in connection with each other with the objective observer /the soul being the core listener.

It also feels like this notion of parts and internal family systems has a direct correlation to world peace, or lack thereof. For a long time I have felt, if we can’t get along with ourselves how can we get along in our family or community and how are we ever going to get along in the world. Getting along does not mean to agree, it means to be able to have a civil conversation and offer acceptance of the differences. Sometimes the parts need to listen and be accepting of each other to move forward as a whole!

I agreed when Sheri pointed out that our parts are an extension of nature, within us and is “a tool for discovery of the nature of who we are”. Having come across the same obstacle as Taylor, the concept of soul can be problematic”, I am wondering if there is a way to use the concept of nature instead. It amazes me the feelings we all share and yet the challenges we face in communicating them as we attempt to assign labels. Words are labels. My understanding is most people have experienced God/spirit in some form, even atheists. Maybe Melody and Nadine are on to something when they talk of using what we are drawn to in nature to represent the different parts of themselves. We have feelings and emotions that come into play as we give attention to what call to us in nature. Perhaps this is a way to bypass the labels or provide us clarity in the words we do choose.

It was interesting to read Kim’s take on the use of Partswork to help identify the causality of disturbance within her clients. Again, I think this fits in perfectly with the concept of Mindsight. For myself I also use it to find the causality of joy so I can bring more of that into my life. But I do think disturbance facilitates the recognition of parts so that the awareness arises organically, as Matt stated. And it does offer us an entrance point to offering Partswork in a way that flows and makes sense.

My biggest takeaway was the reminder that parts work is part of nature and can be represented as such and easily integrated both in a building or outside because wherever we are it is within. This feels like an important thing to remember and to incorporate into coaching.

Another big take away was the correct spelling of interject. Thank you Melody for making me aware that it’s introject!!!

[Shari]

Summary Post GnL

A repeating theme of these posts was the idea of holding space for whatever the grieving client brings to the session without trying to manage it in any way. And that grieving is personal. There is no one way that it shows up and no correct or incorrect way. It just is, in all its various forms.

I did like Sher’s idea of a pre-session form that helps to inform the session. It provides a jumping off point for questions or perhaps resources if that might be useful.

The idea of grounding came up a few times and made sense. It suggests that staying present with nature and the surroundings can be useful to staying present with and experiencing one’s own grief.

Shortly after I finished revisiting the videos on Grief and Loss a poignant occurrence happened. The Wellness Center I work for had a booth at the local wellness fair and I was offering free chair massage. A woman who had signed up earlier sat down in the chair and within minutes began to cry. I slowed my technique to one that was more embracing to let her know I was fully present with her. As I was trying to make out the words that were muffled by the face cradle the therapist who is part of the center came over and with no hesitation introduced herself as a counselor and asked if it was okay for her to be there. She then began to speak with her about her grief. My client’s 33 year old son had recently passed. I continued to do the massage as the counselor spoke with her. It was honest and open. She talked about how difficult and painful grief can be. She asked questions about her son and invited her to share her stories about him. The grieving woman cried and laughed. She was able to take in the caring and express her feelings. It was beautiful. The counselor left after the client stopped crying and I continued with the massage. We talked together, on and off, about her son and other topics. And she left very appreciative of the caring.

This event afforded me the opportunity to experience so much of what I had learned in class and what people described in the post. I and the counselor held the space for this woman to grieve and feel and express her emotions. The touch seemed to be grounding for her as she was able to take it in. What impacted me most in this experience was the simple honestly that the counselor used in speaking with my client. There were no euphemisms or distractions, she said it like it was and the client feeling safe responded with openness. It was authentic and honest and real and beautiful. And for me a gift. And a lesson. Keep it simple, keep it real and hold a space of loving kindness.

[Shari]

Initial Post PartsWork 2

PartsWork and Brain n Change are my two favorite tools in coaching. Partswork has proven to be the most challenging. At least to offer it as it was taught to us. My ability to explain what it is to others has improved tremendously. But to follow up in a structured manner seems to create more confusion. I am using it regularly with the same client I wrote of in Partswork 1. I thought I would create clarification by showing her how to create the mandala. It was then that she told me when she is given very specific projects she tends to turn the other way and not follow through. Her shared awareness of this was very helpful for me. I had noticed this happening and had taken it personally thinking it stemmed from my lack of skills as a coach. I suddenly had a new perspective of myself and gave myself permission to take a whole new approach. And that is what I did with Partswork. She now has a much better understanding of Partswork and finds it very useful in dealing with her day to day challenges as well as the really big challenges she is currently facing.

My approach might be considered inside out. Rather than use a Mandala chart we use the concepts mentally and verbally. In fact I would say I have combined aspects of Dispenza’s old personality/new personality shift with the mandala concept. When I see my client and she tells me her current challenges I often begin by asking her who is talking. Once she tells me, I ask if this part is there to help the system (or my client). If she says yes, we explore how. If she says no I ask my client if there is someone better able to help out in this situation. In this way she has learned how to manage the parts for her own benefit. Sometimes when we are looking and feeling into the parts while walking in the woods I will ask my client to do a little meditation. Through the use of breath, and expanding into the space around her, she is able to move into the Eternal now and find her soul self. Once in this place of quiet she can more objectively return to her parts. This allows her to objectively choose the part that best suit the moment and bring that part or parts to the forefront. She is doing this for herself more and more.

Doing this has helped her to know and become more familiar with her different parts and to recognize the difference between the interjects and her parts. Many of what she formerly knew to be her childhood parts were actually the interejected voices of her parents and others. They have been very difficult to deal with as they are tethered into her nervous system. As she is starting to recognize this concept along with neuroplasticity, she is more hopeful and aware of the possibility of change. She is slowly feeling and becoming less victimized by her life.

Most recently her husband pushed her to the ground and she called the police. What followed was a whirlwind of conflict, fear and confusion as she tried to make sense of what happened, others reactions, including her son and save face all at the same time. As she told me what was happening in her world and inside of her I was impressed and astonished at how well she was handling all the pieces that came into play due to the circumstances. I asked her who (what part) was in charge. Without much hesitation she said the CEO. This part was new to me. After questioning we discovered this part was previously unnamed and not well known but still very firmly positioned in her. I asked her the role of this part and how it served my client. She innately understood that it was there to take charge, protect her and keep things organized. It wasn’t a physical protector. It was there to protect her psyche and keep her from doubting herself when many people around her questioned her actions.

As time went on and talk of divorce turned into talk of separation, living in separate homes but not divorcing for practical and caring reasons I asked her again who was in charge. This time she was aware that while the CEO was very much in charge party-girl was working to keep everyone happy and to try to prevent her husband from being hurt. They were working together for the good of the whole.

As all this was happening she was very aware of the old patterns that wanted to slip into manic ways and let the fear take over. She was also aware of the interjects of the little child whose parents had her feeling unwanted and not worthwhile. I’ve asked her and she asks herself, who she needs to help her cope. Her artist is important. Giving herself the time to do her beading is very important for her inner stillness. And being a teacher, both a part and a job, connects her with young children which brings her joy and feeds her soul.

We have discussed her soul in relation to partswork. Through being out in nature (nature lover) and meditating she is getting better at being able to quickly access the soul but it is still not as easily accessible as many of her other parts. She knows it as a deep place inside her that holds her deepest values and core self. She also recognizes that life challenges sometimes bury it…that’s often when she contacts me.

Working with this client has made me very aware that partswork can have a daily role in one’s life and one’s psyche without having to have a formalized structure of a physical mandala. It can become part of the flow of living and coping. My client more frequently remembers to tune into her parts, ask herself who is at the helm and determine who can best serve her in any given moment. Partswork is becoming part of the integrated wholeness of her approach to life and has been a very self-empowering tool. I find myself using it more as a conversational tool in working with others. It has actually created a lot of aha, “that makes sense”, moments for my clients, providing glimpses of possibility. And in my own life I use it to help me gain deeper understanding of my psyche which helps me to process my own life events.

[Shari]

Initial post Brain n Change 2

This is a client with whom I have an established coaching relationship. In recent times, by mutual agreement, I do not coach her because she asked me to work informally with her daughter. To prevent conflicting loyalties my focus has been on her 21 yo daughter but every now and again she checks in.

This particular check-in she was in a somewhat frenzied state as she rambled on with her concerns. Her current situation and worries for her daughter combined with her having just sold the house she grew up in and having celebrated her 1 year relationship anniversary with a man she loves, triggered a lot of emotions and a sense of instability. In our discussion I asked simple questions and listened to her awareness around what she was experiencing in herself. She spoke fervently for quite a time before I asked her if she felt defensive. The question was barely out of my mouth when she adamantly said “yes”. She told me her boyfriend implied the same notion when he lovingly told her he doesn’t want her to ever feel she needs to be defensive with him. She continue with her story, the defensiveness still in her voice. I asked her, “who are you defending yourself from”. Silence!! It was a light bulb moment.

It was in this moment she realized her stories all came from her memories and her insecurities. She was not living in or being aware of the present moment. We discussed the brain and the nervous system and how we become patterned in the way we live in the world. I even mentioned Joe Dispenza’s statement that we think 80 to 90% of the same thoughts day after day. I asked her if she thought it would be possible to make big changes when thinking the same thoughts, saying the same things and basically doing the same things day after day. Her pfc started to light up. She told me of all the things she was doing to heal her life and especially the trauma of her childhood. She came to the conclusion that she was defending herself not from me or anyone else but from herself. She was trying to convince herself that she was not a bad person she was a good person, someone she could like. She also connected her need to fix things for others as part of this defensiveness. This need was something she had mentioned to me in the past so it was interesting that she made the connection in this conversation.

I asked her, what if you didn’t defend yourself, what if you didn’t have to prove anything? What would it look like? That was hard for her to answer.

Her initial complaint when I spoke with her had to do with the imperfections of the people around her, even though she loved them. The deeper need was seen and felt and the focus then shifted to wanting self-acceptance so that she no longer felt defensive and no longer needed to fix things for others to feel good about herself.

In asking how she might go about this she felt the biggest step was to become self-aware. Her understanding of herself, how her past effected and motivated her, gave her the clarity she needed to create change. If she could become consciously aware of when her behaviors were slipping back into the old behaviors and perceptions, she could shift it into healthy behaviors. This was the perfect segue to a discussion on the old personality, the habitual ceremony of self (though I didn’t use that terminology) and creating a new personality. I taught her how to visualize and feel into the new personality. I suggested she practice this daily and particularly in the morning when she was setting the tone for her day. She agreed and said she felt this would work for her. We had figured out a way to SNAG her brain.

She also said she thought her boyfriend would be helpful in that he could let her know when she was slipping into her old patterns.

In this situation I couldn’t offer reinforcement or ways to hold her accountable because our communication was too spotty. But I did suggest she consider ways her boyfriend might help to hold her accountable!

This all happened via telephone so there was no real opportunity to create a nature connected practice. At the time I was walking in the woods so during our conversation every now and then I would interject with things I was seeing around me and sometimes offer a metaphor. So I at least set an example.

All in all, I was happy with the flow of the session and was actually amazed at how little talking I needed to do. It seemed, because of the amount of coaching we had done previously, that she had learned to listen to herself and self-reflect as she was speaking. Often after long rambles she would then tell me what it meant and why – not unlike the use of the sacred questions. Sometimes I was about to ask or say something and then she would come out with her own profound insights. My sense is coaching gets easier as clients get to know themselves better and become more comfortable with looking inward.

[Shari]

Initial Post Guiding Through Grief.

It seems this coaching relationship was established 30 years ago! An old friend and employer called me out of the blue. He was a physical therapist who had offered me my first clinical job as a massage therapist. When we met he explained his situation telling me he had been diagnosed with cancer, for the third time, and this time it was likely terminal. He had maybe a year! My own insecurities had me wondering, “why is he talking with me” as he explained that I was one of the few people he felt safe talking with. He continued to tell me about his marriage which lacked physical intimacy and how much he missed physical touch. It left a hole in his life and a sense of isolation. He was very angry with his wife. He said there were few people he felt comfortable allowing them to touch him. We caught up quickly on what I was doing with my life and career and he asked me if I would coach him and include massage. I of course agreed knowing that the line between friend and coach might be blurry. Under the circumstances that seemed okay. Home base would be my mother’s house, being that I was there weekly and it was very close to where he lived.

The very first massage session brought him to a place of safety and openness both with me and with himself. He seemed surprised and relieved at the level of comfort and relaxation he was feeling. It reminded me how massage can be conducive to going inward and to opening up. I didn’t need to ask questions, the narrative flowed freely. He told me of his traumatic upbringing, an apathetic father, a mother who was extremely inappropriate in the affections she offered my client, and a brother who was distant as he was doing his best to navigate this very dysfunctional family. My clients self- esteem was nil. It was through university education that he realized his intelligence and skills could carry him. He married a woman he met in college, surprised anyone so beautiful would want him. I knew her from years ago. He had been married 4 times. His first wife left him and married his best friend! She also succeeded in declaring him mentally incompetent so that she could take the successful business he had built (co-owners) away from him. He still carried rage and anger though it had greatly diminished. He spent the remainder of his “working years” living off the monies provided by his disability insurance. He had spent many years training and voluntarily running group programs for people diagnosed with bipolar and similar mental health illnesses. He had also been diagnosed as bipolar and felt he had learned to manage it well.

I questioned myself and him as to whether he should be seeing a therapist. He told me his therapist of many many many (!) years had died. He was a father figure and it was a great loss. Over the course of our year long coaching relationship this question was revisited. He did some exploring of the possibility but always came back and said he was getting what he needed working with me.

As I heard more about his life, the narrative was filled with self-deprecating descriptions of himself and his life choices. Because I was both friend and coach there were many times it was difficult for me not to tell him what an exceptional person he was. I handled this by mostly listening and allowing the silent interludes when they came about. He was grateful to have someone who cared. Because I knew him well from previous years, every now and again I would put on the friend hat and would point out the degree of self – deprecation he shared and lived while simultaneously being tireless in his devotion to helping other. This combined with the numerous texts, from friends, clients and family helped him to believe that he was truly loved and cared for.

When he wasn’t receiving massage we would spend time in natural environments. Walking was often difficult, lake swimming his preferred recreation. One particular day, early on in our weekly sessions we went to a nearby island park. He had not been there before and was mesmerized. Rather than walk or talk I asked him to sit on a rock, back to back, overlooking the shoreline. I didn’t say much I just asked him to open up his senses, feel my energy, the temp of the air, the breeze, the smell of the salt water, etc…. We didn’t speak for a very long time. The tears fell as he felt his connection to…something larger than life!

He came to me in pain from his traumatic upbringing and his fear of dying. Over time this moved through the threshold and the deeper need realized was two-fold: Learning to accept himself and the choices he made throughout his life and facing the grief of knowing he was going to die.

The idea of facing grief brought on by your own imminent death seemed different than the coaching focus of helping someone deal with grief that was brought on by the death of another.

This wasn’t a matter of accepting life had changed, which being sick it certainly had. This was a matter of facing his fear of the unknown and for my client leaving behind the family children and grandchildren he so dearly loved.

The first need to my surprise was met quickly. The second never completed. The two were intertwined

It organically unfolded for my client to create a sit spot in his backyard that he visited daily and sometimes multiple times a day. Communing with nature gave him a sense of peace and safety. Along with this he paid more attention to and let in the loving messages that were constantly being sent and said to him by clients, friends and family. Over time he realized what brought him the most joy were his three boys, their families and especially his grandchildren. Facing the trauma of his childhood and divorce and the subsequent life decisions born of this, was in itself a cycle of grief. The looking at it and admitting to it was “the shock” that he had avoided for most of his life. Initially it was emotionally and mentally disorienting as he was deciding what to do with it. As we created nature ceremonies that provided a sense of support and structure the disorganization became organized. As my client recognized what he needed he gave it to himself. For example as together we recognized that he wasn’t seeing his boys as often as he felt he needed he was able to speak up and let them know his needs. And they responded favorably. And my client felt heard, validated and happy. The offerings of love outside of himself in time shifted his self-perspectives and his self-criticism turned into self love. Over time he appreciated how his life created the path of loving kindness that he built and chose to walk even though it was a rough and rocky road.

I felt my part in all of this was to hold the space and once in a while remind him of who he was. Mostly the people around him (and his beloved dog) did that. He learned to forgive his wife, his mother, his father, he reconnected with his brother and he even forgave his first ex-wife, most of the time. And he forgave himself.

As for facing the grief and fear of his own death in retrospect I could have done a much better job. His deepening connection with nature helped tremendously. Recognizing the cycles in nature helped him make sense of it all. But the unknown always weighed heavily. In hospice I was with him as much as I could be. Toward the end, with labored breathing, he whispered to me, how do I let go? I didn’t know how to answer. His children were not ready to let him go, which didn’t help. And because the numbers of visitors were limited it was difficult for me to spend the time with him that I would have liked. I think he wanted me there but I didn’t have the wherewithal to speak to his children with the strength and clarity that would have been in support of him. Instead I gave his children the time and space they wanted.

If I had to do it again, I would have found ways to combine the sit spot and meditation with connection to nature so as to assist him in trusting the death process. And I would have reinforced it by his side. There are many unknowns in life and nature that we face . My client’s greatest pain was not in his body but in his fear. I wish I could have done more to alleviate it. But I am grateful for having been with him the last 11 months of his life. It taught me a lot. Thank you my friend.

[Shari]

SUMMARY POST for Long Term Coaching

Reading everyone’s posts was very enlightening and useful. Not only did it give me ideas it helped to shift my perspectives. The comfort level with charging and frontloading helped to normalize the concept for me. I loved Melody’s image when she said the flow of change is not a straight line. Metaphor is one of my favorite tools personally and with clients. And nature so markedly demonstrates this when you look at a stream or a river or even the puddles and tributaries that form from a hard rain. It also works well with Sheri’s concept that we bring the shell and the client supplies the guts. What it means to Fill in the shell often changes as different paths are explored and put into action to discover what works best (straight lines are rare). I find this concept foundational to the need for LTC. Noting the reflection between outer changes and inner awareness is a developmental process, I think it is important to give the client room for exploration and discovery. Taylor expressed and demonstrated this well throughout the posts. She is highly organized and structured (representing the container/shell) but she clearly states “ nothing is set in stone, be flexible, authentic and co-create the best plan that way with your client.”

I try to give myself this same freedom of exploration, awareness and even mistakes/falling (from Kim’s quote). I hear the discomfort in Nadine and Mel in having clients pay upfront for LTC and I feel it too. I hear both sides of the argument and while I get that for some people paying upfront commits them to the program it is still not within my comfort zone, largely because it is difficult for me when I am the client…yes I still am meandering around financial viewpoints. I have dealt with this to date, not by charging up front but by having clients’ sign a contract where they commit to 6 months of coaching. So far this has been honored by my clients.

Kim’s and Matt’s individual discussions concerning coaching with multiple people at one time was intriguing. I very much agree that this community approach allows participants to learn and grow from each other. And to potentially create a safe container to look at and process through one’s own stuff. I also like how Matt brought establishing communication with the client’s therapist into the a more well rounded approach to coaching that more fully engages and potentially benefits the client’s healing. This is a direction I am still envisioning as I move forward in my work with teenagers.

Finally, I love the way Kim applied the four directions to LTC. It’s simple eloquent and makes so much sense…and is easy to explain to clients. It is a clear and simple example of why to choose Nature Connected Coaching vs a more conventional approach to life coaching!

[Shari]

LONG TERM Coaching Initial Post

My initial reaction to the idea of long term coaching and especially charging for it, fit my typical pattern of I don’t know enough and therefore am not good enough to be charging money. So I looked at myself from the perspective of immunity to change and recognized that instead of diving into coaching I keep reading and learning, everything but doing. My competing commitment is the standard I hold myself to. I have to be good enough and knowledgeable enough before I can charge. I also tend to live the martyr concept that of I’d rather hurt myself than someone else. The Big assumption is of course if I don’t know everything I need to know I won’t do a good job and therefore will not have clients or will lose them quickly. Similarly if I charge too much, I won’t have clients. The catch 22 is that without clients I will not have the opportunity to learn by doing and build on what I am learning and thereby hone my skills. With this awareness I tried to set the self-deprecation aside and dive in. My first attempt with Natalie as my client went very well. ..and gave me confidence. I created a structure that I still use today. It has plenty of room for change as I grow and learn, and room to be tailored to the client I am working with.

To establish the coaching relationship and determine if long term coaching is necessary…

I begin with a “discovery” phone call, just to determine if I feel I am capable of meeting the needs of the potential client as they expressed, the initial want. I have created an intake form with questions that I ask while on the phone. If all goes well I next offer a free introductory session.

The free introductory session is generally held outside, often sitting rather than walking and can last from 30 minutes to one hour. This provides me the opportunity to hear my client, listen for the deeper meaning and determine if they are looking for someone to help them with situational goals or developmental goals. I have found that often what looks like a situational goal is best approached developmentally. If appropriate this is explained during the session. In this way both me and my client have the opportunity to determine if we are a good fit.

Next I create a proposal/contract that provides the details of the how what and why of long term coaching, what Nadine and Sheri might refer to as the “shell of the program”.

This includes:

Review (of our conversations together): This section highlights the important points that came from my clients narrative. It serves both to let the client know she/he was heard and also serves as a mirror to the client to hear/look at her/himself.

Summary: This is essentially a succinct synthesis of the review narrowing it down to what I as the coach heard as the most important things to focus on in order to attain the client’s goals. This allows the client to give me feedback if he/she feels a need to redirect or confirm.

Proposal: This is the “how we go about it” section. I generally offer three transformational models I think would be suitable and helpful for the client. It is always explained in the context of Nature Connected Coaching and includes an explanation ofeach model and why it were chosen. I stick with 3 so as not to overwhelm but I also include a list of tools we may bring into our session and let them know that we can decide on these together overtime.

What I Suggest section: This includes length, frequency and payment. It also asks for a commitment of 6 months to give the client time to experience and process the coaching and to look at the milestones as they occur along the way. After 6 months we can reassess.

I also let the client know that my goal is to assist him/her to not need me anymore.

Here is an example from a proposal I wrote:

Each session will include a “practice” for you to maintain in between sessions so that you can continue to grow toward the person you want to be and live and so you can discover which tools work best for you.

Change requires commitment and so I ask that you give me and yourself a verbal commitment of 6 months to notice the effectiveness of coaching in your life.

The transformation you are seeking is developmental; it is a shift in consciousness and in your nervous system. It takes time to achieve. We will look for the milestones along the way and frequently reassess as we walk the path of transformation. I can’t tell you exactly how long it will take. I can tell you as you are more clearly able to hear your own inner voice and connect with that deeper knowing inside of yourself, you will have less need of an external guide”.

The session I did with Nadine around the LTC served to help bring together my skills as a massage therapist, health educator, and coach and to recognize my abilites. Reflecting on my history as a MT gives me patience and impetus to trust as I move into being a coach.

[Shari]

Trauma: Summary Post

I have been working with a client, mentioned in previous posts, for about a year now. It’s been a journey for both of us and has given me the opportunity to put together much of what I have learned throughout the NCC program. It began when she, in an ungrounded state, spoke frenetically about her traumatic childhood, her 40 years of therapy, her dysfunctional marriage and her difficulty accepting her sons new romantic relationship and critical disconnect from herself. She was diagnosed bi-polar and co-dependent along with other “labels” she did not and does not express out loud.

Her trauma was intergenerational and developmental. Depending on the trigger and which part of herself was reacting she could move into fight, flight or freeze.

Flight often manifested by her finding reasons to not go home, sometimes she just sat in her car.

Other times when we met she would be in frantic and jumpy, in fight mode.

I never saw her in freeze mode but she sometimes described the 5 year old sitting in isolation not wanting to move.

The three themes that have come up over and over again throughout the year are:

· Her traumatic childhood due to the death of a younger sibling that her mother never processed and instead made my client feel responsible.

· The inner 5 year old that wanted to be loved and protected

· A husband who has his own mental health issues that no longer shows her any affection and is often intentionally detached from my client and unresponsive to any of her attempts to engage or connect.

· A son who she often expresses his upset with his mother’s behaviors towards him.

As Peter Levine so clearly states her trauma is lodged in her nervous system. It does not take much for her to interpret events as traumatic and to be triggered by friends and family and situations that might otherwise by innocuous. She often considers herself to be “immersed with the dark angel” (which she painted when asked to express herself through her art). She also feels her development was stalled at a very young age and that her 5 year old is looking for love, safety and acceptance. When asked to do a vision board that expressed a positive future representative of herself. She was unable to do this because she couldn’t envision it. The more she tried by cutting pictures and preparing the more aware she became that she did not know her future self. However she did know she wanted to shift away from constant fear and negativity to a life that embraced growth and joy where her 5 year old was integrated with her adult self.

It is apparent that her 60+ year old life was still very affected by her traumatic childhood. 40 years of therapy and she still felt stuck. We discussed comfort zones and how they related to the various parts.

We discussed resourcing; Early on she knew she loved to be in nature and used it as a “resource” for calming herself.

In the beginning my focus was simply on grounding and creating safety. The grounding was done by being out in nature, feeling her body, and paying attention to her breath. Some days it worked some days it didn’t. The safety was created by listening, accepting and largely by responding. She would often send me very long texts and or emails, on occasion there would be a voice mail but this was rare. I would respond sometimes at length but mostly with a few words just to let her know I was hearing her and that we could discuss the issue next time we got together. There were many occasions where she let me know this was of high importance to her and something she rarely experience in therapy. In fact she told me recently that her therapist changed her number so as not to receive any more texts from my client! My approached is not to get hooked into my clients narrative but instead stay focused on their goals and capabilities in reaching them. I find it has helped tremendously when clients feel that someone believes in them. It seems to allow for their inner voice to become clearer in the midst of all the interfects and the voices that hold the trauma and fear.

Early on I discussed the plasticity of the nervous system as a means for creating change. Naturally we used our own trails and treks as a metaphor for choice when working to build a more emotionally and physically comfortable and stable life. This was something she was able to relate to. It often helped to remind her that she had a choice in how she handled her life and traumatic history. And that this choice affects her future.

We used mindsight as a technique for recognizing her actions and choices. I worded it as becoming aware of her awareness. She understood the concept. And said “I’m questioning and answering myself about why I’m feeling my feelings” I would often ask her in a gestalt type of way, about her awareness and then what it meant as she looked at the awareness of her awareness. As she was more easily able to do this we would take it deeper and I would ask her to become aware of her awareness of her awareness. This allowed her to go deeper and deeper into understanding and taking responsibility for her actions.

Fairly recently mindsight served to help her recognize the role that her trauma played in her manipulative behaviors and why. It started when she defied her sons request to not behave in certain ways that affected him and his relationship with his girlfriend and her parents. It was a long painful process to recognize her own behaviors and admit to the extent she manipulates others. It made her aware of her need to be loved, her difficulty accepting that her son was an adult and “doesn’t need her” and “gives his affection to someone else”.

As she was allowing herself to look at her behaviors we further discussed the role of the “objective observer”, my name for mindsight. As we walked through the trail we were following a stream and I asked her to look for the metaphors that might be helpful. I thought it was a good time to reintroduce the concept of the sit spot and with her agreement I left her sitting by a stream with marsh-mallows and other flowers beside it, for 10 minutes. When I returned she talked about movement and flow and the swirling of the water around objects and how it related to her own sense of flow. She recognized how her manipulation actually can block the flow. And made things worse rather than better.

She also realized that she has a great need to help others. In a follow up texts she stated: “I Help depressed people what if they become undepressed. What if they don’t need me.

I am frightened of myself. Im going to stay in pain unless I choose to get out of it. I project my hurt on others and give them power to hurt me. I give people the power to help me also . I become dependent on them”. These were big realizations to admit to herself.

She is concurrently listening to a guru and doing meditation with him most mornings. She lets me know our work together is aligned with what she is learning from the guru and that her meditations help deepen her knowing and becoming comfortable with self.

In a recent email to me she thanked me for helping her incorporate nature’s metaphors into her development. She is seeing the changes in herself and in her last email wrote: “It’s amazing, thoughts are coming to me in an ordered fashion (usually jumbled). I meditated and felt clarity. I do a lot of interp of reality/nature as you showed me. This is much more gratifying than DBT which suggests similar-but not colored by the inner self.” The more I do this work the more I recognize the powerful effect nature has on an individual’s ability to relax into themselves and recognize that they are part of something much larger. It shifts perspective. It shifts reality.

So what have I learned this past year?: Resourcing comes in many forms and changes as trauma is being processed. Support has to be without expectation while providing a scaffolding for change and holding a safe space for it to occur. Accepting someone as they are provides the safety for them to look at themselves. Recognizing someone’s strengths helps them to see them and utilize them for themselves. NCC provides numerous modalities and techniques for supporting a client’s journey. I used many of them. Some worked some did not. Through it all my client knew I cared and supported her and that seemed to be what mattered most. It’s been a journey for me as well. Seeing the degree of change that has occurred is amazing and the fact that she sees it feels it and appreciates it in herself, is joy. Her narrative is changing and the trauma is losing its grip. And what is also very exciting for me, is this co-dependent person that thought she could only do a sit spot because she knew I would be returning, is now beginning to realize her own strength and abilities and healthy individuality…and doesn’t need to manipulate, but recognizes when she does!!

[Shari]

Summary Brain and Change 1:
As I learn and understand more about the brain and neuroscience I am fascinated to relate my understanding to the various thinking and cognitive processes I observe in my clients. It also provides me insight into my own thinking patterns and the relationship between brain and body.
Joe Dispenza’s approach to integrating the various parts of the brain is very different and much simpler than Daniel Siegel’s. I should clarify, much simpler in its approach but not necessarily easier to achieve. Dr Joe Dispenza’s research indicates that connecting to the unified/quantum field through meditation automatically facilitates integration of the brain. I brought this up with a client whose immediate response was, ”I’ve been meditating since I was 16” as though she was an expert. I silently noted her defensiveness and continued our walk and conversation. We continued our discussion, recognizing how the milestones she has achieved since she began coaching. She pointed out changes she perceives in herself and how much more able she is able to manage her emotions under various circumstance, including trauma based triggers. I asked her to trust me as we gently moved back to the topic of meditation. Having recently listened to Richard Strozzi—Heckler on Somatic Coaching, I asked her how she felt when meditating. Without hesitation she described her thinking process of letting go of thoughts and anxiety. When I asked her how her body felt she said she just lets go of everything and is gone. She related it to Dispenza’s, Nobody, No thinking, No place and No one. I realized she has no conscious awareness when she goes into what she experiences as deep meditation. Gently I pursued the conversation and suggested to her that meditation is a process and practice in which the meditator can always go deeper. It’s an exploration of experience and can further the awareness of awareness skills that she strongly values. She thoughtfully took in this idea. We then had a brief conversation on brain wave states and how they relate to meditation. I suggested the gamma state is a creative space in which you can set intentions and create change. I asked her if she thought she could remain conscious while in a deep state of meditation. We walked as she thought. Looking around her she said, “Its similar to prayer.” She explained the why and how of her insight. This allowed her to be much more comfortable with the idea of conscious meditation. This concept also encouraged her optimism in regards to her path of personal healing. Throughout the walk we stopped several times to seek the metaphors of the forest. I did this to assist in empowerment by connecting the amygdala to the PFC. She wasn’t aware of why I did this but I could see the effect it had on her thinking as we were talking. I hope to bring this into future coaching sessions. She likes understanding the science that supports the changes she is making. I concur. A large part of the joy of learning and understanding the brain and neuroscience is that you can use it personally and professionally for developing insights, going deeper, and creating strategies for various goals. Seeing it in action is amazing.

[Shari]

PARTSWORK Conclusion

I think I’m starting to get the hang of PartsWork, though explaining it still feels like the most difficult aspect. When clients bring up “part of me felt this way and another part felt that way” I dive in. And we seem to do okay until it comes to actually naming the parts. Then we both seem to overthink it and way too many named parts show up.

I’m currently working with a client who has done IFS with a therapist she is no longer seeing…a man she says is one of the top specialists in Connecticut. It seems he focused on “the child” with her. What she described was a number of children, herself at different ages. It sounded very different than the version of PartsWork we are being taught. Not knowing where to go with all this I dropped it for quite a while…until the other day…when I heard her manipulator show up as she was discussing her relationship with her son. Previously we have had several discussions on her need to manipulate others and her dislike of being manipulated. So I recognized the likelihood of this being a part. I didn’t tell her this. Instead I listened to the story of her visit with her son and her son’s girlfriend’s family. She has a very strong self-awareness of her discomfort in feeling that she is losing her son’s affections and caring as his relationship with his girlfriend deepens. She has explained how this is all tied into her childhood. I leave that aspect to the therapists. She described how she can’t seem to stop herself as she intentionally does the opposite of what her son requests. I asked her what part of herself was manipulating her son. She named it “the restrainer”. It restrains others from getting what they want as she, in this case the mother, does what she wants . She is relatively clear on what the restrainer wants for the mother…the love that was denied her in her own childhood by both parents and brother. She was also aware of her dislike of this behavior. During this conversation and previous session it was clear to her that what she really is looking for in her own behavior is to be kind loving and compassionate. So I asked her if there was someone who might help her in obtaining this and in stopping the manipulator before something happened that could not be undone. With no hesitations she said Ms. Appreciator! The part of her that loves and appreciates life!
I was surprised that she found this part of herself so quickly but didn’t hesitate to seek out the resource anchor that she could use to bring Ms. Appreciator to the forefront when the restrainer was looming largely. She thought for a few moments and pointed out the comfort she felt using the hand warmers I had let her borrow on this particularly cold day. It was something she could keep in her pocket. Then she remembered a small embroidered sack that had sentimental value. She could put the heater in this. And so it was agreed upon that the next time she would be seeing her son, which was soon, she would buy a hand warmer and put it in the embroidered sack and carry it hidden in the pocket of whatever she was wearing that day. This would serve as a reminder and give her the internal strength she was seeking, to behave in the ways she preferred. And that’s how the session ended. In the future I plan on further understanding and naming the various parts and begin mandala work.

[Shari]

Trauma, initial post:

I have several clients with issues surrounding trauma. Two of them are bipolar, a result of childhood trauma. I am also working with a 70 year old man who has metastatic liver cancer. He has done both chemo and radiation. One scan said it had disappeared completely, a month later the follow-up scan and mri had the doctors telling him he has 6 to 12 months to live! More recently a massage client asked me if I would meet her in the woods for coaching. She is having emotionally abusive issues with her husband and also her grownup daughter. Being a social worker, she is very articulate in expressing her feelings and connecting her rage, pain and overwhelm with the events of her upbringing and situations from her past.

I’ve noticed I have to be careful when creating the coaching client relationship with clients that have trauma and or mental health issues. They are used to doing therapy and initially seem to have the expectation and hope that I will “fix” them. This expectation is shifted over time as they welcome a deeper understanding and relationship with self and start exploring answers that begin to emerge.

Rereading the section on Trauma has been very helpful. I’ve also viewed some videos with Peter Levine and Thomas Huebl on healing collective trauma. Watching all that is happening in today’s world I am very aware that much of the personal trauma individuals are feeling is exacerbated by the collective trauma. For some a lack of coping skills may mean that the collective trauma is actually foundational to the personal trauma. It can be difficult to differentiate between the two and for some being aware that there exists a collective state of trauma can serve to help in calming the overwhelm and emotional pain and bring a shift in perspective.

I have found at times, I need to be careful not to get hooked into the collective trauma myself. This awareness reminds me not only to get myself grounded and focused in the present it helps me figure out ways to work with my clients in finding the resources that serve them in grounding, coping and creating a more positive future. The concept of resourcing in combination with grounding is very useful.
As I discuss my experiences in this initial post I am keeping it generalized because I have observed similar threads that my clients hold in common. One, that didn’t click immediately, but is now very apparent, is what I at first interpreted as frenetic communication. At first it seemed they would describe the immediate trigger and then they would be all over the place jumping from story to story many being situations from long ago. I had great difficulty following from one story to the next. What I have come to realize is they are expressing the memories of their nervous system. While the stories may have seemed disconnected they were all triggers for emotions that were very similar. This has made me very aware of the importance of solidifying grounding resources prior to the start of coaching so that they are readily accessible when needed.

Another common coping skill is the importance of having friends and a social life. I’m not sure yet but my sense is that it provides a mirror for self-valuing. Acceptance from others validates that they are okay in the world. When there is a lull in the social life it is not unusual for self-doubt to creep in and the bad feelings to rise to the surface.

In seeking coping skills that will both serve to prevent the trauma reaction and quell it if it does occur I have been looking into the polyvagal theory. It is often helpful and fits in with bodywork and also mindfulness concepts such as breathwork and meditation. Some techniques are simple and fun and very welcomed. I am finding that another helpful coping skill is simply education and learning as a directive. While it often seems difficult for a traumatized client to feel safe enough to give up the “victim” status they seem to welcome learning more about themselves and recognize neuroplasticity, resourcing and pendulation, polyvagal theory and scientifically proven healing potential of the body in general as offering hope for long term healing. It seems that learning something new distracts from ruminating on negative thoughts and often provides new neural pathways around something positive that may serve to build self confidence.

I also have found truth in the concept of resonant frequency. If I can hold a positive frequency toward the client as he/she tells the story it can be personally grounding and often gives them the strength and understanding to shift and create change in their life. When appropriate, as I tell my own stories of overcoming trauma, this too serves to let them know what’s possible. Happiness is a choice; many people don’t realize this, until it is stated. Interacting with another person, believing they can heal and grow, does much to help them believe in their own potential and to reach it. And not getting “hooked” into their “stuff” also serves to help them from falling too deeply into the pit of trauma despair. I view it as caring non-attachment. I hold the space and the caring and the belief in them so that they can have the safety to decide for themselves how they want to move forward in their life.

I am practicing personal mindsight as I move forward in this realm of trauma. I had intentionally avoided working with trauma until recently. Since I have learned more about collective trauma I have a deeper understanding of the importance of individual trauma and how it has impacted this planet culturally and environmentally. I am learning how to tailor the coaching for individual needs as I better understand the neuroscience behind trauma. It is a slow yet fascinating process for me. Coaching from a developmental perspective there is no way or reason to avoid trauma. It is unavoidable. However developing coping skills and skills of resilience can both prevent trauma from getting stuck in the nervous system when and if it occurs and heal the trauma that may already have solidified in the nervous system. Perspective provides choice in how we interpret and embody an event and Meditation reminds us that we are much more than our circumstances.

[Shari]

B&C initial post

I have a friend who is a DBSA (depression and bipolar support alliance) counselor who has referred several of his clients to me. I had some trepidation at first but as I have met with them and created coaching agreements I have recognized that a large part of establishing the coaching relationship is as simple as pointing out their strengths and letting them know I support them and believe it is possible for answers and solutions to emerge from their inner knowing and wisdom. One woman with whom I have recently done a phone intake, she herself is a psychotherapist, said what is personally most important to her in connecting with a coach or similar professional, is someone who genuinely cares. It was a succinct statement that reverberated for me in my relationship with the clients I am seeing who have seen numerous therapists for decades. It seems so simple, yet apparently, is not so common. So that is where I focus. Honest interaction where the positive acts as a scaffold of safety (and perspective) for looking at and feeling the pain that the client is working through to discover and live into next.

For one of my clients, the idea of neuroplasticity gave her hope. I find in general that explaining this concept to people offers them a path forward. It seems to provide a metaphor that moves the overwhelm into a manageable perspective. It seems people who enjoy being in nature easily relate to discovering and creating a new path, a trail, and understand that the old one may become overgrown and obsolete at some point as they walk the new one over and over! Upon hearing about neuroplasticity she got very excited realizing that she could change her patterns. Whenever she begins to feel overwhelmed she reminds herself of this concept and she calms down.

Grounding is really another metaphor, isn’t it? With this same client, on the first day we met (after a phone intake) I became acutely aware of her energy being all over the place. Almost every thought she spoke was followed by a subtext, a qualifier of possibility….story within story within story, making the solidification of a myth difficult. I pointed this out to her, introduced the concept of neuroplasticity discussed the concept of grounding, and offered some tools for achieving this. It hit home. And within a few months her myth-story which included new relationships and increased socialization became “I am now mentally healthy”. The people around her noticed the difference. The subtexts decreased dramatically. We are both aware that there is much more work to be done to create coherence of health in various realms. But after years of therapy I think these simple concepts gave her an anchor and a new ritual on which to solidify the therapy so that she was able to apply it in a new, useful and practical manner.

Of all the authors and researchers mentioned, Joe Dispenza is my go to. For me he embraces all the concepts discussed in Brain and Change and offers very cohesive and understandable and attainable application. What he includes, which I think is sadly lacking in our education in general, is the explanation and understanding of the unified (quantum) field. It is from this place that we can achieve heart and brain coherence and find a peace within ourselves that has the possibility of creating peace outside ourselves, and balance to the planet. I haven’t brought this into my coaching yet but as I better understand it, and can find the language, I intend to. I think it is extremely important .

Working with clients diagnosed as bipolar has given me insight into what Siegel discusses as a lack of integration of the various parts of the brain. It’s fascinating to see it manifest as the client jumps from one thought to the next without any connection, that I can figure out. According to Dispenza when you achieve brain coherence, or connection with the unified field the brain will automatically integrate. Siegel has various guidance/tools that he suggests for achieving integration that are more specific to where it is lacking. The Wheel of awareness should also help to create integration. I tried using this with the above client but she was not able to follow through with this…which may be because I am not comfortable with it?

Having relistened to Brain and Change, as I continue coaching I will focus more on creating a flow from severance to threshold, through story to myth, and then creating the ceremony and ritual. This is happening naturally where there is resonance with tools discovered or offered, depending on the need. It is not a sequence that I have been intentionally following but one I am beginning to better understand and feel more capable of implementing.

[Shari]

Summary Post
Inviting the client into the here and now while I am monitoring my own here and now has been quite fascinating. Being on the massage table lends itself to an immediate here and now presence while setting an intention/request for the session. Often the line of questioning brings the past into the present by assisting the client in becoming aware of how the past is influencing the here and now…physically and emotionally. Recognizing this connection, is made by inviting the client to feel instead of think. To describe what is happening in their body currently as they tell the history that caused it. This can lead to a cycle much as Matt described in which the past story produces current behaviors that when felt-into can change perceptions and heal the past by creating a new way of being as one moves into the future. The last two clients I have worked with actually had difficulty knowing what they were feeling. I use the exercises and ideas of Dan Siegel’s mindsight to help clients become aware of how their internal processes relate with the external experiences and events. To me mindsight is a form of gestalt both mindfully and physiologically. It allows us to create a wholeness of the parts of our lives and it does so by integrating the parts of the brain so that the various areas work together to create a comprehensive wholeness that provides flexibility, resilience, global perspective and balance. I am still developing skills to actively apply this with clients in a timely fashion and without getting hooked into my own interpretations, which is not easy for me (but I need to stop telling myself that story!). For me a fascinating aspect of all this that I have observed, as I further my own understanding of the concept of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts, is that not only is it important to realize one’s purpose in life but also to realize spiritual (karmic) growth and healing. And while the two can be the sam, they are not necessarily, though there is likely a relationship. I am currently working with a man who has been diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. He has followed his purpose in life, serving others in many and varied ways related to both physical and mental health. We have just started to look into the Gestalt of his disease but he is finding that what he has neglected is his caring for self. In fact most of his life he has been self-deprecating for reasons he considers related to PTSD due to traumatic childhood events. Using gestalt we are very slowly looking inside and unpacking the events that have been deeply buried. He is timidly allowing the feelings related to the events to emerge. He is exploring his relationship with death, and also with life. It is this edge that has motivated him to seek a fuller understanding of himself within the context of his own life. For me it is an honor and a privilege I do not take lightly, to watch and learn from his self-exploration.

[Shari]

I have found, increasingly, that it is really useful to establish a gestalt inclusive, coaching session using massage as an entrée into securing a safe and trusting relationship with the client. The client drops into a greater balance between body and mind and is more able to access awareness of each separately and as they relate to each other. An example is a client I worked with recently who found out the week prior that her father has throat cancer. As she told me the story of his original test results, the next round of tests and the current results that were more optimistic of a favorable outcome, her eyes were wide open, I simply suggested she close them, recount the story in her mind and notice if anything changed. Her response was she wasn’t sure. Feeling her energy I asked her to drop into her body (eyes closed) and notice once more. This time she could feel there was a difference but wasn’t sure how they were different. We continued to explore this by having her speak with eyes open and then eyes closed.
This allowed her to begin to recognize what it was she was feeling. She spoke a lot about her relationship with her family and realized the increased tension in her body when her eyes were open. Closing them she relaxed. And then started questioning how to keep eyes open and stay relaxed. Her awareness was enhanced around her breathing as well. With coaching questions she realized her emotions affected her breathing. And breath became connected to spirit which connects to universe/nature which brought her home to self. Her takeaways were, the importance of 1. breathing and 2. expanding, to provide her the support of nature/spirit. In body work gestalt seem linked with somatics. Somatics is the entrée into body awareness and gestalt is learning to read the messages and consciousness of the body and connect it to the mind. I have to be careful because I can be imbalanced on the side of somatics and forget to keep bringing back the deeper emotional and experiential awareness.