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Brain and Change (Oct 2020)
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37 Replies
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Initial Post: This session came about completely unintentionally and stemmed from a phone call my client made to me regarding a completely separate topic (what to do about replacing her tires, because I was a tire expert in one of my past versions of me). At some point, the conversation completely shifted and I paused once I realized it and asked if this is something she wanted to explore. She said yes and gave me permission to guide her. This client is a highly influential fitness and health coach who leads and inspires many people in her community. Throughout her career in this role she’s experienced very high energy states of connection to her vision and purpose and also very low states of complete disconnection, lack of drive and unhealthy habits. In this call she was expressing the latter, and the disconnection was coming through very clearly in her energy and words. In a lot of senses it felt like grief and it felt necessary for me to allow her to vent her current feelings. Then there was a lot of story around blaming her partner and the quality of their relationship as a source of the disconnect from her coaching role and vision. I brought awareness to the fact that we couldn’t work on her partner in this session and tried to focus the session by asking “what role does your partner play in your vision of being an inspirational coach?” There was a long pause and I felt it sinking in, almost like she didn’t want to admit what realization she was coming to. She finally said “yeah, he really has no part in this. This is mine to own.” Through story of how her relationship and partner are to blame for her current state, she had integrated the conflict in a way that took responsibility off of herself.
Since she had experienced many ups and downs with her vision, I wanted to bring awareness to the stages of change. I shared the stages with her and she quickly identified that she was in contemplation, but also noticed that she’d been in Maintenance stage with this issue. I explained that when she’s at her highs, she’s in Maintenance and not necessarily Termination. I explained that it’s easy to think that when we’ve hit the peak our efforts can dwindle. When we do this, we risk spiraling back to contemplation because we can snap back to the old states of being. She understood and felt pretty okay with it as it was now normalized for her. She said “I think at times I just lose sight of why I’m doing this”. I told her that without clear intention and purpose, we’re giving our brains free reign to choose whatever program it wants. She knew where she wanted to be and was going right into the planning stage saying “I need to get out for a hike this weekend and get past this”. Her energy shifted from low and lethargic to eager and hopeful.
We were getting short on time, and were still in severance, so I wanted to harness this re-awakened energy and put it to good use on her hike (which I was going to use as a Threshold). I asked her to create an intention for this hike she was going to go on. I asked questions like how do you want to spend this time? What do you want to take away from this experience that will help you get re-aligned? How do you need to be on this hike to feel aligned? Where will you focus your attention? We scheduled the hike in detail and fine tuned her intention to a point that it carried palpable energy and strength. We ended the session due to time but connected again after her hike. The energy was through the roof! She used her hike as a wander and nature had reflected so many beautiful things to her. Upon her return she had an incredible experience with a blue jay and she felt inclined to look up the symbolic meaning which further strengthened her experience. We created a ritual around the blue jay that incorporates movement, that she can use to keep herself connected to vision. Having a ritual is so important because it turns ideas into felt experiences and these felt experiences become memories which become neural pathways. Why God Won’t go away says “Ritual has the ability to provide believers with experiential evidence that seems to prove that the guarantees made in the myth are true”.-
@david
“I brought awareness to the fact that we couldn’t work on her partner in this session and tried to focus the session by asking “what role does your partner play in your vision of being an inspirational coach?” There was a long pause and I felt it sinking in, almost like she didn’t want to admit what realization she was coming to. She finally said “yeah, he really has no part in this. This is mine to own.” Through story of how her relationship and partner are to blame for her current state, she had integrated the conflict in a way that took responsibility off of herself.
Since she had experienced many ups and downs with her vision, I wanted to bring awareness to the stages of change. I shared the stages with her and she quickly identified that she was in contemplation, but also noticed that she’d been in Maintenance stage with this issue. I explained that when she’s at her highs, she’s in Maintenance and not necessarily Termination. I explained that it’s easy to think that when we’ve hit the peak our efforts can dwindle. When we do this, we risk spiraling back to contemplation because we can snap back to the old states of being.”David, you do a wonderuful job reflecting back at your client and bringing awareness. I love how powerful question such as “what role does your partner play in your vision of being an inspirational coach?” I could fill the question just drop in for her as I read this post. Your understanding and explanation of the stages of change is supportive and assists in bringing clarity to a possible reason why she may slip back and forth from contemplation, maintennace and back into contemplation and the potential to slip back into old or familiar patterns. I enjoyed reading how you wove in the education piece about stages of changed.
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David it sounds like you beautifully included the education piece about the stages of change with your client, shifting from a coaching role to a bit of a different role like that of educator for a brief period. It seems like this worked pretty seamlessly for you – do you recall how you made this shift? So the words you used or how you addressed the transition? I’m always curious to know how different coaches express their different ‘hats’ with clients.
I also like the idea of going through that process of planning the threshold, then letting the client do it on their own immediately afterwards if there is no time left in the session. It gives them the opportunity to harness that energy then and there, while sticking to the time that you set together. A great way to be flexible!
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Initial Post:
My practice client is a coach in training through another program, and she and I have been working together on overcoming her barriers to starting her own coaching business. Part of her wants to go all in by quitting her job and just starting now. Another part of her is concerned about her family and her husband, because he doesn’t want her to do this since it will put their security in jeopardy. She also is not confident with financial matters. So, she is often vascilatting back and forth between these two narratives, and they are reinforced by her beliefs around money.
In our last session, we spent a bit of time developing some awareness of where her concern and apprehension comes from around money. She was able to distill her narrative down to its sources and figure out why she has the mindset she does around money, however she still wasn’t sure what or how to address it. She continued to get stuck in one of the two narratives – her route , or her husband’s route. I had initially thought to have her go on a wander to see what it might reveal, but quickly realized she needed something much more structured. When we tried to dig into what her intention for the wander might be, she either responded with, “I don’t know”, or a general, “I want to have it all figured out by the time I”m done.” She was impatient and frustrated, and I instinctively felt that wandering was not the best route because she was stuck in a very specific narrative and a space of negative emotions, making it much harder for her to be open to broader perspectives, curiosity, and creativity.
Instead, I asked her to choose a space in her area outside that signified her husband’s narrative. When she got there, we explored it, how it felt, and what came up for her. The space she ended up in was full of shadow, and a swarming bees nest. She was instantly uncomfortable, and wanted to get out of it immediately – she saw the connection there to her husband’s narrative! The next space she chose was to represent her narrative – a sunny, open space that felt warm and inviting – in the same way it was very symbolic and connected to her narrative. Finally, I had her pick a third place to represent any potential options or routes she hadn’t considered yet. She had chosen a spot by the water, which she immediately identified as a space of flexibility that needed to lie between the two narratives. That was a light bulb moment for her, and a big part of it was realizing that she needed to be more aware of how these narratives were coming up in her life and affecting her in the day to day. She realized that she needs to establish a better relationship and comfort with money before she can even talk to her husband about how to move forward.
I think there are several ways this session applies to the topics we learned in Brain & Change. My client is in the process of creating a new mythic image, and as a result she’s having to make some adjustments to the stories she tells herself. The first step to rewriting the narrative, and to rewiring the pathways in her brain that reinforce those narratives, is noticing when they appear for her. What triggers her limiting beliefs around money? How do those limiting beliefs impact her? As she builds more awareness around that narrative it will enable her to be more intentional about how she responds to those triggers.
Another way this session relates to Brain & Change is in how during the session, I decided to not have her wander but instead to do a sort of guided wander. I felt that at that point, her negative emotions had hijacked her and as a result she was not in a space to effectively wander on her own. It might have been much easier had I been there with her in person, but over the phone and without video, it’s impossible to pick up on those cues in a wander that help clue you in as the guide. Since she was in that negative spiral governed by the Amygdala, expecting her to be able to use focus, creativity, and insight of the prefrontal cortex was not realistic. As I guided her through using nature to explore the different narratives, she gradually became less frustrated and more open, especially after we had quickly bypassed her husband’s narrative in the bees and shadows and came to a space that felt much more comfortable for her.
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“Finally, I had her pick a third place to represent any potential options or routes she hadn’t considered yet. She had chosen a spot by the water, which she immediately identified as a space of flexibility that needed to lie between the two narratives. That was a light bulb moment for her, and a big part of it was realizing that she needed to be more aware of how these narratives were coming up in her life and affecting her in the day to day.”
Leslie, I absolutely LOVE how you related her external environment with her two different narratives, then a third environment with a new possibility. While reading about your client, I too felt stickiness in my body. But when you invited the third environment for new possibilities, I felt myself open. Brilliant idea!!!
“I decided to not have her wander but instead to do a sort of guided wander. I felt that at that point, her negative emotions had hijacked her and as a result she was not in a space to effectively wander on her own.” I think your decision to hold-off on the wander and instead guide her through exploring her narrative on the land was an excellent idea. I can tell that you were deeply listening to your client in this moment. I am also impressed with your flexibility to change the idea of the wander to a guided walk through the different narratives. Nice job at staying open and in the unknown as the guide!!!
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@lesliewier
Thank you for the great question! This shift, to me, felt really natural because I have a lot of historical knowledge of this client relating to this specific issue. Knowing that she’s had many highs and lows in this journey,it felt necessary to bring the change process to light for her for a couple of reasons, 1) I felt that normalizing the cyclical process of change was important for her to not feel alone in her times of disconnection from the desired way of being. Many people cycle through this process many times before getting to a sustainable place in the Maintenance Stage. 2) The energy of the session felt a little “heavy” and I could sense a lot of internal dialog going on that wasn’t necessarily being spoken. The segue to a little bit of education got her pre-frontal cortex engaged and dis-engaged any low road patterns that may have been going on. I’m finding that this seems to take a little pressure off a client. They are kind of in the hot seat to share and share and share. Shifting gears and offering a little bit of information to them can really give the sense that this is a mutual process we’re engaged in. The energy shifted completely after this and it was really just a gut call that I thought would help create some confidence, some energy and an understanding of how we make change happen in our lives.
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@lesliewier
Really nice job with staying flexible and creative here! Your decision to have your client identify in nature the different perspectives at play was a very valuable insight for her in finding that needed middle ground. It was also a great way to get these two beliefs into visual form. Nature showed her the stark contrast between her and her husband’s points of view but she had the realization that these weren’t the only options. There was a statement she made in severance that I think had the potential to get to deeper need. It’s a similar one that came up in my last fishbowl session with my client. Your client stated “I want to have it all figured out by the time I”m done.” From the feedback in my session, I learned that that’s a great opportunity to ask “what would it feel like to have it all figured out?” The “want” can come from that question and then we can dig further to deeper need. Curious what your thoughts are on this and how that might have played out in this session.
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Initial Post:
One of my current clients has had a HUGE breakthrough. This client has been trying to overcome her feelings of shame around her messy/cluttered house. She has been trying to declutter for several months and has been running into her old patterns and stories. The session before last, she was able to identify the greater want and need. The situation with her house has caused her loss of romantic relationships and loss of social life because she is too embarrased to have people over. At our second to last session, she explored two parts of herself, her “impatient speaker” and her “compassionate speaker” who both offered her wisdom and advice. The “impatient speaker” inviting her into liberation from her attachments to her things so she can live the life she wants, and the “compassionate speaker” offering her compassionate support “decision making is hard” and “there are so many other fun things to do”. This conversation between these parts led her to connect with her family patters around being organized “I haven’t been taught to organize. I recognize some things I struggle with have been modeled. These were the habits I was raised with. The skillset of organizing is foreign and not intuitive.” We then explored what is currently intuitive for her: “piling things up, put things in a box, put it in a room, and forget about it”. We asked each speaker to offer wisdom as to how to approach moving towards her goal of having the home she envisions. Each offered compassionate advice and wisdom, which led her to identify her big need:”I need to get rid of a bunch of junk to make space in my life, both literally and metaphorically”; and her want: “I want to find a life partner and have a family. I want to make room in my home to be a more hospitable space for people.” This was the first time she had been able to clearly identify the longing in her heart.
This clarity led her to huge movement forward–a domino effect that dismantled her feelings of shame and her old stories. The progress she has made towards her goals is remarkable. She has been able to ask for help from her friends who have helped her sort through things. She has been able to donate household items. AND she discovered an ally in herself, her “teacher” self who keeps her accountable. Her shifts in beliefs and self-perception include:
–moving past shame and fear of judgment either from self or others
–asking for help in vulnerability without hiding– “this is who I am, take it or leave it”
–releasing the burden of having to do things “perfectly”
–finding in herself a part that keeps her accountable to the task at hand–“the teacher”
–moving into the action of sorting and donating
–beginning to visualize the space/home you want for herselfDuring the session, I explained the transformation that was ocurring in her brain each time she practices these new skills and ways of being. To reinforce the “teacher” part that has been so helpful to her as an inner resource, I invited her to ask the “teacher” what her next steps could be. Since we were outside, and there was a gate conveniently in front of us, I asked her to become the “teacher” as we walked through the gate and I asked permission to interview the “teacher”. First, she gave the “teacher” permission to give advice, and then we entered the threshold (literally!). As “teacher” she was able to clearly identify next steps without judgement. Her “teacher” loves to create action item lists. As “teacher” she was able to identify obstacles, be focused, pragmatic, don’t have to be perfect, be more realistic about her choices, and committed to getting the job done.
After the threshold experience, I had her reflect on what it’s like to exercise her “teacher” part. She said, “It’s like I’ve discovered a new muscle to exercise.” I explained how every time she uses the new ways of being (not ashamed, focused, committed, etc), she is creating new pathways in her brain.
She left energized and more internally resourced to move forward with an overwhelming task that has consumed her for a long time. What a gratifying session this was!
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Hi David and Leslie,
I loved reading your posts. Thanks for sharing. I love the conversation.
David, I was psyched to read how your client used the metaphor and symbolic meaning of the blue jay to anchor her experience and that you seized the moment to have her create a ritual. “Having a ritual is so important because it turns ideas into felt experiences and these felt experiences become memories which become neural pathways.” I love the way you connect this to the new neural networks that are formed everytime we practice the new way of being. Beautiful. I had an interesting experience with some fellow spiritual directors and I’d love your thoughts since you refer to “Why God Won’t Go Away”. When I talked about how we are supporting our clients to create new pathways in the brain, I got some push back around keeping the mystery in the equation and letting God be part of the process–as if brain function is somehow diminishing the power of mystery. Have you ever experienced “push back” from more traditional religious people when the science of the brain is explained? I was quite taken aback by the comment and I would love to hear your thoughts.
Leslie, I loved what you did with the guided wander! Using the natural environment to explore the different worlds/points of view is a wonderful idea. It is very somatic and creative. It definitely activates the PFC. I am curious to see how this new insight supports your client as she moves forward. How do you think this new insight will support your client?
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@mariarosagalter
Hello Maria! Wow what an interesting topic to ponder! I have not experienced this in my sessions or discussions with others about the work we do but I would love to add my 2 cents to this. By adding Nature to the equation in our coaching or guiding, we are allowing the mystery (the spirit who moves through all things) in to interact with the client. If you’re someone who calls this God, then this is where that takes place. While we are guiding with a goal of initiating all kinds of “sciency” stuff to start taking place in our clients’ brains, we’re also using Nature as a co-guide. In my opinion, Nature is a manifestation of God and, thus, has a very large role in this experience. Take these spiritual directors on a wander or guide them through a threshold and they will quickly understand that the mystery of those experiences is very much at play 🙂 I’m sure you’ve experienced first-hand the wonderful and often unexplainable mysteries during those experiences, both for yourself and your clients. Science isn’t creating those experiences and neither are we as the coach. This is spiritual….taking place in a spiritual realm.David
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Thanks for sharing your session with us. When I read this I clearly see that so much work has been done to identify the deeper need with her. We all know that ridding herself of the stuff is not the core of the problem. It’s very apparent in the list of beliefs that have shifted that you’ve gone deeper and asked “how do you need to be while creating space in your home and in your heart?” This list is so powerful!
–moving past shame and fear of judgment either from self or others
–asking for help in vulnerability without hiding– “this is who I am, take it or leave it”
–releasing the burden of having to do things “perfectly”
–finding in herself a part that keeps her accountable to the task at hand–“the teacher”
–moving into the action of sorting and donating
–beginning to visualize the space/home you want for herselfThe visualization of the home/space she wants adds another dynamic to the new behaviors. I know you’ve been working with her on this for some time now and I’m curious if you’ve been able to track her in the stages of change through this process. This session feels like she’s in the action stage. How will you continue to help her strengthen this way as she moves into maintenance stage? What growth edges can be stretched for her to continue building confidence?
David
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Thanks, David, for both your answer to my question above, and for your thoughts about where my client is on her change process. First, about my question. Agreed! I was just surprised that this particular group would think that by understanding the science we are somehow diminishing the presence of Mystery. I love your wisdom…
As far as my client, she continues to make strides in self-awareness. I would say she is teetering on the edge of contemplation and preparation, sometimes flirting with action. We’ve met once more since the session I referred to and she has hit a bit of a pause (totally understandable because of the rise in COVID and the elections!). However, even though there is a pause in the activities of clearing out her house, she made an incredible connection. She now sees her house as a “playground” in which to “practice” her detachment from her old stories. Wow!!!!! Now her whole experience of clearning out her home is a threshold experience in which she gets to practice her new “mythic image.” She blows my mind. She shared that she recently accidentally broke a coffee mug that was given to her as a gift. In the past, this would have been distressful. She was able remain non-reactive and detached–no big deal to break the coffee cup.
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Summary Post:
I continue to be in awe of how we activate our deeper knowings when we move into the PFC through nature experiences…. Nature’s voice is so present and this different way if tuning in seems so Natural (!). I appreciate how this wisdom meanders through our client’s experiences. It is an honor to read through the posts and see this magic at work. It is an honor to be present to our client’s own meanderings and knowings.Ahhh…. what a blessing we experience together.
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David, thank you SO much for your insight regarding what my client stated in severance, “I wanted to have it all figured out.” When she said that, I genuinely was not sure how to respond and felt a bit stuck for a moment. The question you posed, “what would it feel like to have it all figured out?” is a great one and I think one that could have potentially worked well for her.
Maria in answer to how the new insight from our guided wander might support my client, one thing I noticed with our next session is that she automatically started looking for other potential alternatives to her challenges that she had not thought of. Her somatic experience with the realization that there was a third option available to her that she hadn’t considered, really stuck with her and has gotten her to critically consider that possibility in other areas of deliberation, without even being prompted!
Maria what you mention about those of faith pushing back on science is interesting, and my very first thought is that this is a behavior/thought/belief pattern in and of itself that’s deeply embedded in the brains of the spiritual leaders you were speaking to. I like what David said about Nature being a manifestation of God, and I don’t think Science is any different. Science is just a different manifestation of God. But the fact that there was pushback on science as if it’s in antithesis to mystery, tells me that that sense of mystery fills a need for them. I’d be interested to dive deeper into what the full story of that pattern is!
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Summary Post:
I think one of the biggest things that sticks out to me with this module is how we use nature as a tool or guide in partnership with how the brain works to help generate transformation for a client. The power of nature with intention is particularly important, since it’s the intention that activates or hacks neuroplasticity and helps us to avoid going onto autopilot. Everything that we do in partnership with nature activates the prefrontal cortex, getting us out of the limbic brain and autopilot. At the core of things, we are using nature to generate awareness in the PFC.
Another major concept that comes to mind is empathy. We have the wiring within our brain to create mental maps of another person’s mind, and to intentionally take their perspective. However, this is a skill that must be built by the coach, and for many people it’s something they’ve never really done before. So, coaches have to work at building the skill of empathizing with others (particularly those who are very different from them) and that requires rewiring their own mental maps. I think the more we practice intentional perspective taking, the more connected we become with the client and the easier it is to attune with them in our communication so that the client feels seen and heard. Thinking about how this process of intentional perspective taking, or intentional empathy takes place in the pre-frontal cortex, it’s interesting when we empathize with others that we tend to often take on their emotions without realizing it. So, we have to consistently be aware of our own emotional balance when we practice empathy and ensure that we don’t get hijacked by our own amygdala. It just reinforces for me how much the process of coaching is skill based.
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Summary Post
I think one of the biggest things that sticks out to me with this module is how we use nature as a tool or guide in partnership with how the brain works to help generate transformation for a client. The power of nature with intention is particularly important, since it’s the intention that activates or hacks neuroplasticity and helps us to avoid going onto autopilot. Everything that we do in partnership with nature activates the prefrontal cortex, getting us out of the limbic brain and autopilot. At the core of things, we are using nature to generate awareness in the PFC.
Another major concept that comes to mind is empathy. We have the wiring within our brain to create mental maps of another person’s mind, and to intentionally take their perspective. However, this is a skill that must be built by the coach, and for many people it’s something they’ve never really done before. So, coaches have to work at building the skill of empathizing with others (particularly those who are very different from them) and that requires rewiring their own mental maps. I think the more we practice intentional perspective taking, the more connected we become with the client and the easier it is to attune with them in our communication so that the client feels seen and heard. Thinking about how this process of intentional perspective taking, or intentional empathy takes place in the pre-frontal cortex, it’s interesting when we empathize with others that we tend to often take on their emotions without realizing it. So, we have to consistently be aware of our own emotional balance when we practice empathy and ensure that we don’t get hijacked by our own amygdala. It just reinforces for me how much the process of coaching is skill based.
