-
Online Discussion-Guiding through Grief
-
Summary Post
Just like everyone else here, I’m dealing with the grief of saying goodbye as fellow student coaches. It is hard to believe that we won’t be getting together anymore and sharing the space we’ve been in for the last year+. But am also excited to now be fellow coaches & there is the opportunity for us to be together in this new space. So it’s a very up and down feeling right now, which is so much like what grief can be.Grief comes in many forms and is so unique to each individual. We just need to be aware of what this is for each person, hold space without judgement and without trying to direct. Just be what our clients need in the now. And, understanding especially in this current time, that we also need to be aware of and hold space for our global community’s grief. This is the now as well.
-
SUMMARY POST:
My takeaways from this Guiding through grief module. Whatever the state of my client I need to show up holding a safe space, ready to accept, acknowledge and embrace them wherever they are in the moment. Allowing them to be in the driver’s seat, determining if we back out of the parking spot or just sit right there. With them in the power seat of putting the foot on the gas certainly provides them the control of the agenda removing me from that responsibilty.A friend posted this morning how hard it was 7 years ago to say goodbye to her mom, and how the weeks leading up to it were some of the hardest and darkest of her life knowing the inevitable was coming. She is finding peace knowing she did everything she could and was there with her mom till her last breath. I noticed I had several reactions to this post. I felt for my friend and her loss. I felt for the loss of her mother, a woman I had met many (25+) years ago and was taken back to that time and place. I put myself in the shoes of my friend and thought about how someday I will be there, mourning the loss of my own mother’s passing. That “someday” feeling, and this is where it got odd for me because as I entered that thought I had a part of me brush it aside almost like I won’t feel that way, it’s no big deal. Another flash of a thought that I am trying to grasp at, not sure exactly what it is or means. Different reactions than I would expect. Which, out of curiosity, I sat up pondering where that came from and why? Leading me onto a learning edge? Time to work through my parts to discover who is quick to brush those feelings aside. Write things off as no big deal? I can handle this.
My awareness now of this reaction has me clearly seeing and feeling those emotions are not going away but rather building up. I sense the need to transform them before I transmit them, as I have all so familiarly done in the past. (Can you say Grand Canyon??) What does that need to transform look like for me at this moment? I am aware that could be different based on the situation I find myself in, the feelings themselves, my personality and the parts involved. Do I journal, process orally, just sit with it for a time? Many options and I am only one person.
One of my takeaways from this module is how there are no rights or wrongs when working with grief. Everyone, every instance is unique. Even within myself, with different losses, the story behind them, the place I find myself in at the moment, my surroundings, expectations, all impact instantaneously how I react or respond in that moment. Even my response in this moment affects my actions in the next. We spoke of holding space for the client to be, however that looks for them in that space. I also think it is important that we give plenty of room, room to move and feel and ponder. Plus permission to feel the feels, whatever they may be, reminding them there is no right or wrong. Our society seems quite inept at dealing with grief as a whole. Informing our clients, educating them, providing a safe place and permission to be open to feeling, crying, being angry. Even providing them the shoulder for the tears, the space to act out and through the anger – tearing up paper, braking sticks, kicking or throwing stones. That is a gift we have to offer.
As gentle as we are asking ourselves to be with our clients, remember to offer that to yourself, too. This journey has been wonderfully informative and growing experience and I am honored, and grateful, that I got to walk it with each of you! Thanks for the memories.
-
INITIAL POST: I have found that this lens of grief has helped me to facilitate rapport and work towards supporting my practice client’s experience. This particular reflection relates to a practice client session that occurred the week following this session. I had reviewed the paperwork that was provided to gain some semblance of context to what she was going through and get an idea on where, maybe, the session might head toward. What I find so useful about the context of this intensive/topic is that grief, as we were discussing in the beginning of this portion of the week, universal. That the elements of loss are uniting. While the experience of grief varies and may be completely subjective, it is not a foreign concept that has to be presented/explained/revisited as say Partswork would likely be. I say that because, in reflecting on this particular initial post, it is apparent to me that there is a thread that can be traced through each of the clients that I have done work with. Whether it be those in early recovery who are grieving a myriad of relationships and expectations, or someone in the early stages of a relationship change – interesting aside that I have spoken with clients both around the grieving of an ending relationship and the grieving of their perceived loss of independence as a result of a budding relationship (even one that they were thrilled to be a part of)! – or what I have held as a more ‘traditional’ conception of grief in relating to loss of life.
The way that the grief counseling principles informed this particular session were largely based around the ideas of permission: listening for places in her story where they may be opportunities to offer up permission to experience her experience (maybe not embrace, yet…but acknowledge surely) and in the ideas around grief being both bonding and timeless even. This helped me stay open and patient with my client. As I write that, I am curious if I am often all that impatient when working with practice clients, because this lens of the grief principles/content really made me aware of solid patience and calm.
What proved to be the most challenging aspect of this first session on what I will call here anticipatory grief, was that it felt jumbled up within the client’s story with how her grief was going to impact her partner and her children: this unfair burden of how her grief was going to impact them. It was tricky to navigate how I could invite curiosity into this being a deflection, or a way to dismiss her own experience and focus on theirs, AND that this was all a solid commitment to something that hadn’t happened yet.
I really leaned in to the rapport and trust that we were working towards since we began to provide myself as a grounding resource during our time together, more so to provide something to anchor in to and acknowledge “how are you feeling as you share with me this concern about how things might play out?” we sort of role-played voicing her concerns and providing some “alternative endings” to the script she was so certain was going to play out.
Ultimately we were still dancing around deeper need by the time the session came to a close. It is interesting to me, and has been something I have enjoyed sitting with since this intensive, that basically in the context of the severance process, the coach is inviting and holding a safe space for the client throughout a grieving process. The identification of a deeper need through awareness of conflict is an invitation to sit with that which is no longer serving and the threshold becomes an opportunity to experience a path maybe not free of that grief, but life with that grief having less of a hold on the client’s experience. In general, this idea of grief has been something that I have played with in many contexts with clients who are in recovery as many of the flareups around those group interactions have to do with the loss of a lifestyle, or coping skill and the conflict between awareness that it was self-harming and destructive and somehow also effective and comforting. So I have really appreciated this intensive in that it has provided some affirmation in looking through many sessions I have had for a while now as relating to grief as well as keeping a calm, patient ear and heart open as a practice client relays his/her story. OHHH: and it also has reframed my perspective on a client “getting stuck in the story” Julie mentioned something about the act of sharing stories ab out what the grief is around as a way to break or lesson the emotional bond to the event. Prior to that I had viewed the “getting stuck in the story” as an obstacle to progress when working with a client. As in, “oh boy! He/she/they are getting stuck in their story again!” whereas now, I have new insight into supporting and embracing this part of my client’s path as an important part of their own healing! (I guess my agenda/timeline just keeps jumping in there!! Good to know and continue to keep an eye on!)
-
Matt – Thanks for bringing up the “stuck in their story” piece. I have also noticed a shift in how I perceive that spot now. I used to think the same thing, let’s get out of this story…but I am now realizing that it is all a process and if they are still in the story that is where they are at. A helpful gauge to where they fall on the stages of change. I have also found myself being more intentional about asking, is this the story you want? How would you rather this story end? How might you rewrite it? In the case of grief, as you mentioned, the story cycle feels like a replay more to help overcome any disbelief and to process that this has actually happened. While rewriting the ending of a story in many cases of grief that is not possible, however, we can write how we move forward, how we accept or embrace the change in our life.
-
I really appreciate those guided questions around the story itself, Sheri! Thank you for sharing these reframes.
-
-
Matt, what really struck me about your reflection was around your comment “That the elements of loss are uniting”. As someone who is highly in touch with their emotions and emoting them (shocking I know…), my view on emotions is that they are what make life beautiful. Even the uncomfortable ones, especially grief. I see grief and other overwhelming emotions as an expression of our humanness and connection. We experience grief because we have loved- whether it was a person or a dream. We have grief because there was something beautiful we were holding onto that is now gone. To me this is the most human and touching part of living, and it’s why I enjoy working with my ideal clients. It also reminds me that on the other side of grief is hope and love of or for something or someone new, which will likely start its own cycle into grief one day. It’s become clear to me that grief is integral to the human experience.
I also appreciated the reminder about clients getting stuck in the story. At times, I can be a bit critical of myself if I “let” the client continue in the story. While it is helpful to find ways to encourage them out of the story, I am also seeing this through a different lens. Part of meeting a client where they are at may mean being stuck in the story with them. I don’t want to encourage them deeper into the story, however, I am realizing that if they are stuck in the story, it’s not necessarily a reflection of my abilities as a coach. Thank you for pointing this out.
-
-
SUMMARY POST: I feel a strong emotional bond to this group and to this material. I also have an appreciation and respect for each and every one of you. And feel, in reflection, an uplifting grief? Must grief be sad? There will, of course, be more effort required for us all to share space together in the physical sense – although, even when we could all fly/drive/mountain bike to the top of a mountain to start diving in to our own “stuff” through this material, it wasn’t all that “easy” then either! I’ve spent the past 7 years or thereabouts with a number of reframes, many essential to my continuing to grow in usefulness and understanding of the world within and the world without. To that end, I invite the consideration that grief can be celebratory. That the absence of this curriculum, via homework assignments, ZOOM’n, CO intensives only asks us to all be more creative, intentional, and proactive in maintaining the bonds we have cultivated over this past year (15 months…ish).
And while I am fairly confident that this was not the original motivation behind the words, they ring true for me in our context:i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
-
Matt, this is beautiful. Thank you for these words and sharing your heart. ***grabbing the tissues….***
-
-
INITIAL POST
What I came to “really” realize in a recent session with a client, is that Grief, like trauma, can take different forms, display a variety of emotional, mental, behavioral, spiritual, physical reactions at various degrees of severity. But also that the client may feel grief but may not know exactly what she is grieving, and not relate to it as grief. Somehow, as with trauma, I had expected the client to show major signs, and for me to recognize Grief very easily, and for the client to name it. Instead, in a recent session with a client it is only after the fact that I realized I had gone through a grief session without being fully aware of it.My client who is a very social person and thrives on interactions with others has lost her bearings recently because of the situation caused by the virus. Cooped up in her kitchen, attending mainly online meetings, she was lamenting about the pre-covid days when she used to hang at the Oregon State Bar with other professionals and lawyers. Not only she had lost the social interactions but also the direct recognition she was getting from interacting one on one with other humans. For an extroverted person, so much was lost. The way she was responded to this loss should have cued me in. Work became more difficult, she did not have the same relationship with people, her business world had lost its dimension, she was retreating, and could not see a great future.
In the course of the conversation we ended up better understanding the situation and the loss that had occurred, and we ended up naming it: The Great Flat. There was a feeling attached to it and my client reacted in a way that positively got her out of a daze. “That’s it,” she said, and repeated the words a couple of times. My client is an avid mounteenerer. Every other weekend she climbs a new mountain and goes as far as Nepal or Hawaii to find a challenging one. Naming it, the Great Flat, brought intensity and definition to her feelings. She now realized how the situation with covid had made her life flat, without the momentum and challenges she is accustomed to, and lacking the personal contact that she needed. Flat, boring, and idle. Not a good combo for a climber who likes heights, challenges, partnership, camaraderie, momentum, and newness.
At that point we were still sitting on the grass. I suggested walking to find out if and how Nature could contribute to our conversation. She was not sure what this could yield but went along. We were in a lovely Park where there were other people. As we approached the top of the hill, a puppy was running around and came to say hi to us. I greeted him and said a couple words to the owner to be polite and all the sudden my client, the dog owner and I were chit-chatting. As we walked away, my client acknowledged that this human interaction felt good and at least she could engage with people when she took her walks.
I realize that there is no place to go in a grief session, but at the time, as she was still feeling and under the grip of the Great Flat, I encouraged her to alter the shape of that feeling. My intention was to ask her to make a ball out of it, shrink it down, and let it drop down her leg into the ground and KICK IT!! Far! And Kick it until it was out of her sight. Something powerful happened for her. As she was shrinking it, all the sudden she exclaimed “It exploded!!” and she laughed. And a feeling of lightness seems to have overcome her.
-
Thank you Sheri for sharing your session in such details. What struck me the most outside the grief topic at hand is following you in the progression of your session, and how pertinent your questions are and how it propelled your client toward the insights needed for herself. What I can see as well is that the tools learned throughout this year are becoming so readily available to you and you seem to be using them effortlessly. Good coaching my Friend, I am very proud of you.
-
As you said so well Kimmee, “Grief comes in many forms and is so unique to each individual”. And to complete this thought for me, how individuals respond to loss depends on many factors, including their personal belief system, their social and cultural conditioning, personal coping skills and support systems they have in place at the time of the loss. What I am also learning first hand is that the client may not necessarily know that she is grieving, or what she is grieving. There is a sense that something is missing, lost, it is not the same. So it is important for us as coaches to recognize the signs so that we can handle the session appropriately. Allow the client to express her discomfort and not necessarily get anywhere specific.
-
SUMMARY POST
There is no right way nor there is a single way to experience grief. Each of us has our own needs in terms of our emotional and physical well-being, so activities and rituals to help will be different from one person to the other. We cannot escape grief, but we can learn how to incorporate into our life. How nature can help us to heal from grief, will be very individual as well, as there is no right way to use nature to deal with it. Each of us has our own view of nature, our own opportunities to connect with it. A closer connection to nature may help us better come to terms with death and the grieving process. Just as one season gives way to another, death is part of life. Nature provides an intellectual frame of reference for death and dying, reminding us that death is a natural phenomenon that we can neither escape nor ignore. Nature also provides undeniable physical evidence that life goes on. Being in nature one becomes aware of the infinite circle of life. There is evidence of decay, destruction and death; there are also examples of rejuvenation, restoration, and renewal.
This is my last post, and with it comes the closing of an amazing year. It feels bitter sweet. Thank you EBI, thank you Cohort 18, each of you had a tremendous impact on my journey this last year. THANK YOU. We will connect soon I trust. -
GRIEF INITIAL POST- A client that I’ve been working with since February reached out (outside of regular coaching) because she is having a hard time emotionally. We hadn’t met in a while and she was trying to decide if she wanted to work with me or if she needed to work with a therapist. I scheduled a free consultation with her so we could figure out what she needs. As we were talking, it became clear that a big part of her work right now is around grief. She has been through two significant deaths (partner and parent), a serious injury, and the pandemic in just two years. In addition, she’s entering a new phase of life that is creating grief around “what could have been” and things she had envisioned for her life.
Even though this wasn’t a true coaching session, I would reflect her share and my understanding back to her. I could tell we were attuned because the more accurate I was able to reflect her situation, the more emotional she became. Throughout our conversation, I acknowledged the significance of all of her losses, normalizing them, and giving her permission to give them space to grieve them. It was clear that what she needed most at the moment was to feel seen and understood.
As we return to a new normal after the pandemic, I believe my client is entering the disorganization phase of grief. The timeline of her losses were such that there was no true recovery time between each one. From what she has shared with me, it sounds like she would get through the “shock/protest” stage and the next loss would hit before she’d get too deep into disorganization, though I think she did experience it some. Now that there has been time after all the events, going back to the old ways is stirring a lot within her. From my perspective, it appears that she is now deep in the disorganization stage.
At one point, my client did acknowledge that she has been having thoughts of self-harm and suicide. I am so grateful for our discussion during the intensive on this topic. It gave me the confidence to ask her directly if she wanted to die or if she didn’t want to live (this particular question may have come from a book I read about questing). We talked about her thoughts of self-harm more and I feel confident that it’s part of the grief. I didn’t get any indication that she had plans or that she would act on it. She shared that she was trying to get in with a psychiatrist to adjust some medications and she has been great about reaching out during struggle, so I am not concerned about this being an emergency at this time. I have communicated to her that she is always welcome to reach out if she is in crisis and we have talked about crisis hotlines (she works in a similar field so she understands the help available). Without our discussion during the grief module, I’m not sure I would have responded as directly to obtain clear information about her level of safety.
-
GRIEF SUMMARY POST- My takeaways from grief are:
- Grief is a process that requires time. “If you take the time it takes, it takes less time”
- Grief is uniting, however our response to grief can be either uniting or alienating
- Grief is complex and is different for everyone
- Don’t be afraid about talking about thoughts of suicide. It could save someone’s life.
- The gift of presence and acceptance of people and their emotions when they are in grief. It is truly priceless, especially in a society that, in general, lacks these skills
- Remembering that grief isn’t typically something we are expecting as we enter sessions with our clients. It’s important to remember to listen for it, so we can be present and hold the space that our client needs when it arises.
-
Initial Post Guiding Through Grief.
It seems this coaching relationship was established 30 years ago! An old friend and employer called me out of the blue. He was a physical therapist who had offered me my first clinical job as a massage therapist. When we met he explained his situation telling me he had been diagnosed with cancer, for the third time, and this time it was likely terminal. He had maybe a year! My own insecurities had me wondering, “why is he talking with me” as he explained that I was one of the few people he felt safe talking with. He continued to tell me about his marriage which lacked physical intimacy and how much he missed physical touch. It left a hole in his life and a sense of isolation. He was very angry with his wife. He said there were few people he felt comfortable allowing them to touch him. We caught up quickly on what I was doing with my life and career and he asked me if I would coach him and include massage. I of course agreed knowing that the line between friend and coach might be blurry. Under the circumstances that seemed okay. Home base would be my mother’s house, being that I was there weekly and it was very close to where he lived.
The very first massage session brought him to a place of safety and openness both with me and with himself. He seemed surprised and relieved at the level of comfort and relaxation he was feeling. It reminded me how massage can be conducive to going inward and to opening up. I didn’t need to ask questions, the narrative flowed freely. He told me of his traumatic upbringing, an apathetic father, a mother who was extremely inappropriate in the affections she offered my client, and a brother who was distant as he was doing his best to navigate this very dysfunctional family. My clients self- esteem was nil. It was through university education that he realized his intelligence and skills could carry him. He married a woman he met in college, surprised anyone so beautiful would want him. I knew her from years ago. He had been married 4 times. His first wife left him and married his best friend! She also succeeded in declaring him mentally incompetent so that she could take the successful business he had built (co-owners) away from him. He still carried rage and anger though it had greatly diminished. He spent the remainder of his “working years” living off the monies provided by his disability insurance. He had spent many years training and voluntarily running group programs for people diagnosed with bipolar and similar mental health illnesses. He had also been diagnosed as bipolar and felt he had learned to manage it well.
I questioned myself and him as to whether he should be seeing a therapist. He told me his therapist of many many many (!) years had died. He was a father figure and it was a great loss. Over the course of our year long coaching relationship this question was revisited. He did some exploring of the possibility but always came back and said he was getting what he needed working with me.
As I heard more about his life, the narrative was filled with self-deprecating descriptions of himself and his life choices. Because I was both friend and coach there were many times it was difficult for me not to tell him what an exceptional person he was. I handled this by mostly listening and allowing the silent interludes when they came about. He was grateful to have someone who cared. Because I knew him well from previous years, every now and again I would put on the friend hat and would point out the degree of self – deprecation he shared and lived while simultaneously being tireless in his devotion to helping other. This combined with the numerous texts, from friends, clients and family helped him to believe that he was truly loved and cared for.
When he wasn’t receiving massage we would spend time in natural environments. Walking was often difficult, lake swimming his preferred recreation. One particular day, early on in our weekly sessions we went to a nearby island park. He had not been there before and was mesmerized. Rather than walk or talk I asked him to sit on a rock, back to back, overlooking the shoreline. I didn’t say much I just asked him to open up his senses, feel my energy, the temp of the air, the breeze, the smell of the salt water, etc…. We didn’t speak for a very long time. The tears fell as he felt his connection to…something larger than life!
He came to me in pain from his traumatic upbringing and his fear of dying. Over time this moved through the threshold and the deeper need realized was two-fold: Learning to accept himself and the choices he made throughout his life and facing the grief of knowing he was going to die.
The idea of facing grief brought on by your own imminent death seemed different than the coaching focus of helping someone deal with grief that was brought on by the death of another.
This wasn’t a matter of accepting life had changed, which being sick it certainly had. This was a matter of facing his fear of the unknown and for my client leaving behind the family children and grandchildren he so dearly loved.
The first need to my surprise was met quickly. The second never completed. The two were intertwined
It organically unfolded for my client to create a sit spot in his backyard that he visited daily and sometimes multiple times a day. Communing with nature gave him a sense of peace and safety. Along with this he paid more attention to and let in the loving messages that were constantly being sent and said to him by clients, friends and family. Over time he realized what brought him the most joy were his three boys, their families and especially his grandchildren. Facing the trauma of his childhood and divorce and the subsequent life decisions born of this, was in itself a cycle of grief. The looking at it and admitting to it was “the shock” that he had avoided for most of his life. Initially it was emotionally and mentally disorienting as he was deciding what to do with it. As we created nature ceremonies that provided a sense of support and structure the disorganization became organized. As my client recognized what he needed he gave it to himself. For example as together we recognized that he wasn’t seeing his boys as often as he felt he needed he was able to speak up and let them know his needs. And they responded favorably. And my client felt heard, validated and happy. The offerings of love outside of himself in time shifted his self-perspectives and his self-criticism turned into self love. Over time he appreciated how his life created the path of loving kindness that he built and chose to walk even though it was a rough and rocky road.
I felt my part in all of this was to hold the space and once in a while remind him of who he was. Mostly the people around him (and his beloved dog) did that. He learned to forgive his wife, his mother, his father, he reconnected with his brother and he even forgave his first ex-wife, most of the time. And he forgave himself.
As for facing the grief and fear of his own death in retrospect I could have done a much better job. His deepening connection with nature helped tremendously. Recognizing the cycles in nature helped him make sense of it all. But the unknown always weighed heavily. In hospice I was with him as much as I could be. Toward the end, with labored breathing, he whispered to me, how do I let go? I didn’t know how to answer. His children were not ready to let him go, which didn’t help. And because the numbers of visitors were limited it was difficult for me to spend the time with him that I would have liked. I think he wanted me there but I didn’t have the wherewithal to speak to his children with the strength and clarity that would have been in support of him. Instead I gave his children the time and space they wanted.
If I had to do it again, I would have found ways to combine the sit spot and meditation with connection to nature so as to assist him in trusting the death process. And I would have reinforced it by his side. There are many unknowns in life and nature that we face . My client’s greatest pain was not in his body but in his fear. I wish I could have done more to alleviate it. But I am grateful for having been with him the last 11 months of his life. It taught me a lot. Thank you my friend.
-
Summary Post GnL
A repeating theme of these posts was the idea of holding space for whatever the grieving client brings to the session without trying to manage it in any way. And that grieving is personal. There is no one way that it shows up and no correct or incorrect way. It just is, in all its various forms.
I did like Sher’s idea of a pre-session form that helps to inform the session. It provides a jumping off point for questions or perhaps resources if that might be useful.
The idea of grounding came up a few times and made sense. It suggests that staying present with nature and the surroundings can be useful to staying present with and experiencing one’s own grief.
Shortly after I finished revisiting the videos on Grief and Loss a poignant occurrence happened. The Wellness Center I work for had a booth at the local wellness fair and I was offering free chair massage. A woman who had signed up earlier sat down in the chair and within minutes began to cry. I slowed my technique to one that was more embracing to let her know I was fully present with her. As I was trying to make out the words that were muffled by the face cradle the therapist who is part of the center came over and with no hesitation introduced herself as a counselor and asked if it was okay for her to be there. She then began to speak with her about her grief. My client’s 33 year old son had recently passed. I continued to do the massage as the counselor spoke with her. It was honest and open. She talked about how difficult and painful grief can be. She asked questions about her son and invited her to share her stories about him. The grieving woman cried and laughed. She was able to take in the caring and express her feelings. It was beautiful. The counselor left after the client stopped crying and I continued with the massage. We talked together, on and off, about her son and other topics. And she left very appreciative of the caring.
This event afforded me the opportunity to experience so much of what I had learned in class and what people described in the post. I and the counselor held the space for this woman to grieve and feel and express her emotions. The touch seemed to be grounding for her as she was able to take it in. What impacted me most in this experience was the simple honestly that the counselor used in speaking with my client. There were no euphemisms or distractions, she said it like it was and the client feeling safe responded with openness. It was authentic and honest and real and beautiful. And for me a gift. And a lesson. Keep it simple, keep it real and hold a space of loving kindness.
