Participate in the Online Discussion-Guiding through Grief (April 2019)

[Lauren Lucek]

Initial Post:
A few things that I wanted to mention about this intensive was: Kim Mooney was an absolutely amazing person to facilitate this section. I loved how she talked about Grief. To put into words that Grief, death, loss, etc. are all parts of the natural progression of life, are important to remember. Even though these things are often scary and debilitating, it is normal, and EVERYONE experiences it in one way, shape or form. The humor that she brought to the conversations was helpful (for me) when discussing such sensitive topics. Thank you Michael and crew for having her there.
I am also in agreement with Wendy, when she stated how diverse Grief is. I had only related it to death in the past. Now, I understand that the topic is so incredibly broad, and that the majority of our clients are experiencing it in one way or another, and how it often is a key part in to why people start exploring the need for coaching or therapy in some form.

[Lauren Lucek]

Client work:
As I have read over all of your posts, this overwhelming feeling of wanting to talk about my mother’s experiences with grief came to mind. I have had very minimal discussions with her regarding grief, as it is extremely emotional for her. However, I’m sure that her experience will relate to future clients, and I could use the advice.
So, after this intensive, I had a conversation with my Mom about how she has dealt with grief and loss in the past, and my experiences, and how scary it is. She shared her experience with losing her grandmother in 2001. My great-grandmother was 97 when she died, and it seemed like a fluke (caught pneumonia when she was in the hospital after a fall). She died within 24 hours (during a major thunder and lightning storm that lasted a half hour – thanks Mother Nature). Everyone rushed from all parts of New England to say their final goodbyes, and it was pretty traumatic. My mother shared that for months after, she had some massive struggles. Her and her grandmother were extremely close. My mom disclosed that she spent weeks and weeks crying and she she could barely go to work because she ‘couldn’t keep it together.’ She eventually went to her doctor and was put on Celexa (which she is still on…don’t get me started on that). Therapy or counseling was never suggested, and I’m not sure my mom would have even entertained the idea of it. Fast forward 4 years to when my father died. Even though my parents were divorced, they were still very close. My mom still blames herself for not providing him with the care and support he needed. He had moved to Florida and started going to a new VA hospital in Tampa where the care was not the same he had in New Hampshire. He admitted himself one day with blue legs, released 2 days later, and died of a heart attack 3 days later. Again, another shocking death. To this day, my mom can barely talk about my dad without crying. Fast forward another 8 years, my grandmother (my mom’s mom), has a fall when my mom is visiting me in England and flies home early because her brother and sister say she isn’t doing well. She catches pneumonia in the hospital and dies within the week. To say these deaths/situations were fucked up is an understatement, but let me try to refocus. The point of what I’m getting at is, how do you help someone who desperately needs to process grief, but doesn’t know where to start, and is afraid to even show that vulnerability, in fear of what people will think of her? It is incredibly sad and hard to watch someone you are so close with, not able or unwilling to process this.
As I read over the Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning, I keep focusing on Task 2 – To Process the Pain of Grief. “It is necessary to acknowledge and work through the pain of grief or it will manifest itself through other symptoms or behaviors. Pain in this case, includes physical, emotional, spiritual, and cognitive.” In my mom’s case, I feel like she has created vices to deal with this grief and loss. Alcohol abuse, prescribed medication and internalization of her feelings have created this lifestyle that I fear are incredibly unhealthy. Where do you start with a client like this? More than likely, I am not the person she will or should talk to about all this, and I even feel like just providing her the space to talk about it with me won’t necessarily be helpful, because she doesn’t ever want to appear vulnerable in front of me. Advice?

[Ivy Walker]

Hi Lauren,
Thanks for your vulnerable share here. I hear how much this affects you to have/see the loss and struggle in all these layers and not really be able to control, alter, change, or, really, help your Mom and not to mention the whole option to have space to also address your multifaceted feelings. This feels difficult and hard to witness in its full scope for a compassionate human being and, even more so for a daughter. Sending some love and acknowledgment right to this soft spot.

You bring up a real investigation and question: where do you start with a client like this?

If you have a client who is in a pre-contemplation-contemplation dance with chemicals to keep the feelings at bay, what might you ask, as a coach, to see what their reality is?
What do they want?
What are they afraid of?
Is their reality suitable, feasible, desirable?
What is their belief system?
How are their habits serving and honoring their needs in a functional way?
And creating a ton of space to just tell their story and be honored by the hearing of it, again and again, until they can begin to make the sense of it that they need to.

If you have a client, there is the implication that you might somehow support them through the change they are investigating– either by choice or by mandate. With a family member, the power relationship is different, though just as important and, perhaps, more so. Sometimes with family, we can say stuff and they just won’t let it be heard. With a client, we have more distance and less history and have been invited, in some manner, to help them reflect on their lives and choices for some reason.

So, how to start, seems to me about getting curious with them and creating space for that investigation, what even it can look like in the amount of time you have together.
What’s it like to be you?
What happened?
And where are you now?
Maybe—Is this what you want? If not, what do you want?

These questions and conversations may take place over a long period of time. Depending on their necessary pace. And there is the opportunity to normalize the grief, allow them to hear themselves and be heard, to be with the grief together, bring out resources, be a solid listening place for the organic movement of change to come and/or being a resource to draw in other professionals who can address the multi-levels of complex grief, coupled with trauma, that might need to be thrown into the mix to help a client find their way to something that feels like living forward, rather than caught in the chemical loops of trauma and grief. What else? What do you see, Lauren?

[Lauren Lucek]

Summary Post:
I have been spending some time thinking about, when working with a client through grief with drug or alcohol addictions, one needs to tread even softer than usual. It’s crazy how many people cover their emotions related to grief, with chemicals.
I feel that giving the client space is obviously important, but really making space to even feel ok to express their emotions. Some people like my mother for example, was always told that showing emotion was a sign of weakness. So instead of dealing with or feeling any emotions, she masks them with alcohol and changes the subject. (which really just presents other behaviors and emotions) I would ask my client what made them feel good about consuming the drug. What were they afraid of showing? I would want to coach my client to explore the feelings around showing emotion, and that it’s ok. Getting comfortable with that is a challenge in itself!
I believe that inviting your client to be ok to express their emotions is the first step to them dealing with grief. That dealing with their grief can be a journey, and that there is no timeline to be followed. Relieving that pressure and creating a space where they can peel back the layers and explore them is very important.
I would also ask my client if they could think of other ways to deal with the emotions they feel most uncomfortable with. (instead of turning to drugs, which is really just altering their state of being). I in no way, am an expert in addiction. I also believe that it’s important as a coach, to resource out my client if they were struggling in their life, with circumstances that were out of my expertise.
The journey through grief is not any easy one. It is different for everyone and ranges vastly. I think that starting to deal with my own personal grief during and after this intensive, really opened my eyes. I think it is something that almost all clients will probably struggle with on some level. I’m interested in working with more clients to explore and gain experience with different types of grief.